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Relationships

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Original poster

No communication between dates! Would you find this odd?

103 replies

Catsgrey · 15/06/2021 21:08

We are now on the 4th date and he never contacts me apart from sorting out a date to next meet (no sex involved at this point) strictly dating. I have tried initiating contact between dates but he says he is very busy as he has a lot on at the moment and I don't want to keep trying if that is not what he wants

I feel we will get to know each other more if we communicate between dates and I really like him so I miss speaking to him in between. On the dates he seems really interested, surely we wouldn't be up to the 4th date if he wasn't interested but the lack of communication between dates suggests to me he is not interested!

Opinions/views/suggestions all welcome. I'm really confused! Do I end it now before things go further? As I say, I really like him but obviously not enjoy the lack of contact/communication before dates.

Should I speak to him about this? How would I phrase it without sounding needy?

P.s. he is 100% single so I know that is not the reason.

OP posts:

Feelinghothothottoday · 17/06/2021 15:10

After a date does he phone or text to make sure you got home safely and to say thank you for a lovely date?

VelvetSpoon · 17/06/2021 15:36

Erm, why is he 'pursuing' the OP?

Surely in a mature adult dating situation it's all about equality - so no person is pursuing the other, you're mutually interested and sharing arrangements to see each other etc.

Like @Umberellatheweatha I hated the good morning/ evening texts. Super cringe. Plus the sort of guys who sent them are sending them as a group text - one bloke I was seeing admitted as much. He'd send 2 generic texts most days to 20-30 women

First thing:

morning how are you?

and then either/or depending on whether sent early evening or later

evening, hope you've had a good day

or night, sleep well thinking of you

Never sent anything more unless he was about to arrange a date with any of them.

I think I'd rather no message at all than what's effectively a text template as sent to a dozen others!

Peach01 · 17/06/2021 16:13

Erm, why is he 'pursuing' the OP?
Pedantic 🙄
Surely in a mature adult dating situation it's all about equality - so no person is pursuing the other, you're mutually interested and sharing arrangements to see each other etc.
Typical MN where everything has to be turned into an equality issue.
It's not really mutual anyway when he refuses to contact OP, while she finds it strange and wouldn't like to be left hanging between meeting.
She's tried to initiate contact but he's always busy.

VelvetSpoon · 17/06/2021 16:25

I don't think it's pedantic highlighting that the suggestion of being pursued etc is all a little archaic.

The OP hasn't said he refuses to contact her, he's just told her he's busy - so presumably not spending all his time thinking about sending inane chit chat texts. They've been on 4 dates in under a month, that all seems perfectly reasonable to me within that time frame. If he was too busy to see her more than once a month that might ring alarm bells - but he's not. Sounds like he's prioritising his free time to make sure he's available to see her.

MaMelon · 17/06/2021 16:31

Sounds like he's prioritising his free time to make sure he's available to see her.

As someone said upthread, you can send a text while you’re on the loo. Given that blokes seem to spend a fair amount of time pooing (and before anyone jumps on that, yes - some women do too…)he could quite easily send the OP a few messages.

Peach01 · 17/06/2021 16:56

I don't think it's pedantic highlighting that the suggestion of being pursued etc is all a little archaic.
This the moral high ground coming? That's right, we all should be running after men in the name of equality. 2021 and all that.

The OP hasn't said he refuses to contact her
Again pedantic, he doesn't do it.
presumably not spending all his time thinking about sending inane chit chat texts
He doesn't have to spend all of his time sending texts, but he doesn't have to put a moratorium on it. If he views conversing with someone who he's potentially interested in as negatively as you've put it then he's wasting her time.
Seeing each other only 4 times in a month isn't bad at all, but OP would like to hear from him in between, why wouldn't she, she likes him? I wouldn't blame her for losing interest, she doesn't need to accept what she's not happy with.

VelvetSpoon · 17/06/2021 17:19

I don't think either party whether they be male or female should pursue the other. It shouldn't be about one person chasing another, that's such an unhealthy dynamic. It's much better when there's a meeting of minds, and both parties equally interested in making arrangements and continuing contact, not one person (of whatever gender) sitting back and playing it coy, while the other does the pursuing.

You simply can't infer interest from a daily text or lack of from it's absence, and it's crazy to think otherwise. If he was texting all the time, but never around to meet up, I'd think there was a problem. But regular meetups and no texts other than to make arrangements, there's only an issue if you want to make it one.

I can only share my experience, and that is that my partner and I have never frequently called or texted each other, and the absence of texts and calls had absolutely no bearing on his interest levels.

Febo24 · 17/06/2021 17:23

I like your posts @VelvetSpoon

SarahDarah · 17/06/2021 17:32

@MaMelon

It sounds to me like he’s dating more than just you and is currently making up his mind who he’s wants to ditch and who he wants to keep.

Regardless, if it doesn’t feel right for you then it’s not right. Never, ever settle for second best

Absolutely this. I would bail at this point OP. Even if he "selects " you, he will be conscioualy or subconsciously keeping an eye out for another woman whom he prefers . A guy needs to be properly keen at this point which is the stage when he should be excited to get to know you and show you he's keen! So many women go wrong by not getting rid of men ambivalent to them early on. In 5 years time you'll be wondering why he's dragging his feet proposing.

Peach01 · 17/06/2021 19:06

It's much better when there's a meeting of minds, and both parties equally interested in making arrangements and continuing contact, not one person
Yes, agree but that's where the problem lies, it's not happening. He's keen for company for a night once a week, but nothing outwith that. OPs to march to the beat of his drum.

Of course the OP doesn't want to accept what she's not happy with, but as I said previously, it's important that she gives some thought to why that is, and whether that is because of threads like this where posters pontificate about how a man who's actually interested will do X and Y
I would hope she doesn't need to give too much thought as to why she isn't happy with it. I think he is interested but I wouldn't be waiting around for a shift in his behaviour. It doesn't only apply to romantic relationships, male/female. In a friendship if one person was doing all the ground work, it wouldn't be any different.

Is the regular text contact necessary for the OP to be happy, or to feel reassured, and if so why is that? Is there something lacking between them, or is it a concern based on past experiences which may or may not be relevant.
Maybe the radio silence is giving mixed signals? Maybe regular texting is necessary for her and that's a standard that she's allowed to maintain. She's not getting what she needs. I'm sure you and your husbands needs must've been met for your relationship to be successful. I wouldn't waste my time forging something with a man who is "too busy" to speak.

@MaMelon @SarahDarah I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case either. I hope not though.
Start as you mean to go on OP. Don't doubt how you feel or how you like things done. He's happy to state how he likes it. If you want something to change because you'd like to continue this then speak to him.

Original poster

Catsgrey · 17/06/2021 21:41

I know he is 100% single and I know his schedule does not give him much room to be dating other people, although it is possible for him to be seeing someone else casually at best.

OP posts:

MaMelon · 17/06/2021 21:44

When did you last speak to him and when are you seeing him again?

Original poster

Catsgrey · 17/06/2021 21:45

Our last phone call he told me how much he enjoyed the time he spent with me and that he is looking forward to seeing me again. A few people in this thread have said no contact between dates is better than the fake miss yous, good mornings etc that some men may be sending to 10 different women so that has helped me put things in perspective.

OP posts:

Original poster

Catsgrey · 17/06/2021 21:46

@MaMelon I last spoke to him yesterday and he told me to contact him whenever I'm available and he will then make himself avalibe.

OP posts:

Original poster

Catsgrey · 17/06/2021 21:48

*available

OP posts:

MaMelon · 17/06/2021 21:51

He’ll make himself available?!! Good grief, he certainly has a way with words.

Beware of seeing things from a different perspective in order to justify his behaviour - there’s a vast middle ground between fake miss yous and no contact between dates.

mswales · 17/06/2021 21:53

Loads of people hate texting, don't end things with someone for not wanting small talk that you have to type out! Someone who isn't attached to their phone and much prefers face to face communication is a great thing to me

Original poster

Catsgrey · 17/06/2021 21:54

He didn't exactly word it like that but he was basically saying when I want to see him let him know and he will make the time

OP posts:

Original poster

Catsgrey · 17/06/2021 21:56

@mswales yes I have figured he doesn't like small talk and is not necessarily a bad thing I suppose.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/06/2021 22:02

All that matters is what you are both comfortable with naturally and whether those things are compatible.

Not whether what one wants fits with a sort of arbitrary notion of being acceptable.

It's ok for your wants, needs and boundaries to be unique to you and for some to be dealbreakers.

seensome · 17/06/2021 22:03

I think judge him on his actions, there should be equal effort in contact and arranging dates. If it's always you that has to call then that's not healthy.

Just because someone is a fast communicator, I wouldn't jump to conclusions that all men are messaging a-load of other women, just because someone else experienced that.

Time will tell if he's truly interested or not.

MaMelon · 17/06/2021 22:04

Do you like small talk Catsgrey? Would you like a few more texts from him? What do you like?

Original poster

Catsgrey · 17/06/2021 22:05

He does contact fairly often to arrange dates but is is very early days.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 17/06/2021 22:06

I'm much older than you but I would find incessant texting quite tedious and unnecessary... I met my DH years ago (bef mobile phones ), we lived a long way apart .... he travelled a lot with work & we wrote old fashioned letters to each other, daily contact would just be impossible. Obviously I know things have moved on but at the early of dating I would think it quite intrusive to get constant messages.

What is his 'history' ? Is he a divorcee? Always been single? Does he have DC? Maybe he is happy to sensibly take things slowly?

Original poster

Catsgrey · 17/06/2021 22:07

@MaMelon not small talk as such but a little "I'm still alive" wouldn't go a miss.

OP posts:

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