Help getting over a long term crush (I’m married!)

[Crushlastingforever32]

I’m married with young kids and a husband who is a workaholic to the detriment of family life. Long story short I have been attracted to a dad at my kids school and I have really fallen for him. We walk together if our paths cross (we live very close) and I chat to him at least a couple of times a week. I feel like the feeling is mutual but he isn’t the type to cheat and honestly neither am I. The fantasising is an escapism from my life and issues in my marriage (which I’ve addressed many times with my DH but nothing much changes. He’s a good man but work always comes first). Since lockdown and this dad working from home and doing more school runs, my crush is getting out of control. I’m always hoping to bump into him and I take care of myself so I’m always looking good if I know I’ll definitely see him. Sad I know. I know no good is coming from feeling like this, but I’m stuck seeing him for many years to come whilst our kids go through the school system. I’ve tried avoiding him but end up seeing him one way or another and as soon as we start chatting that’s it I’m smitten again.
What practical things can I do to move past feeling like this? I hate that it’s been over 4yrs and I’m still not over him. He added me on Facebook a couple of months ago and that’s made it worse! He always checks out my stories and likes my posts. There’s never been any messages or anything in appropriate.
Would appreciate any help in moving past this ridiculous crush...

Remove him from Facebook.

If you bump into him, tell him you're just off to the shops, meeting a friend, need to rush to go to work etc to avoid walking together.

Take a different route to and from school.

Nobody is the type to cheat until they do.

Is he married?

What makes you think that the feeling is mutual and that “he’s not the kind to cheat”

Married yes. I can tell he’s not the type to cheat because we’ve known each other for a few years and we’ve been to social events together but asides from staring at me or chatting he’s never been inappropriate in what he says/does.
I think avoiding him is the only way. It’s hard as we live so close that we walk the same way often just the two of us as our youngest kids go to the same pre-school. We also have another potential 8yrs of seeing each other as our kids go through School. I’m insightful enough to know my own marriage is clearly lacking and I would never go after anyone’s husband. I know I’d be devastated if someone was doing what I’m doing with my DH that’s why it’s messed up having these intense feelings.

* staring at me *
Sure that made his wife feel just so special.

He’s a twat. It won’t be, but should be enough to put you off

Following this thread with interest OP as I'm in the same position.

I have developed the most ridiculous crush and have no idea how to switch it off. It invades my thoughts all the bloody time.

He's married as am I. Trouble is, he's also my colleague so we work together every day. There's definitely a mutual attraction.

I'm trying to tell myself that it's just my stupid peri-menopausal hormones running amok. I need to stay absolutely professional and not let this control me.

It is shit though, isn't it?

Do you know about limerence? I would advise reading up on it and the only way to deal with it is to remove the temptation and avoid contact.

It does sound like limerence... never heard of it before but it's definitely more intense than a crush!

I 100% agree that avoidance is the only way but on a practical level it's not possible to do forever. Our youngest kids are friends and there will be times I'll have to interact with him. He talks to my DH and we have a lot of the same friends even though we don't socialise much together (thank god). If it was a random stranger that I fancied it would be so much easier as out of sight out of mind. I think seeing him so often even from a distance, has fuelled my infatuation. I would never make a move on him, the joy of fantasising is that it's an escape from real life. The reality would be very different and I wouldn't even go there.

Park the crush, avoid him as PPs say. Suggest thinking hard about what you want to happen as regards your marriage, finances, working life etc. If your DH is unwilling to make the changes you’d like, are you willing to stay?

I don't think it is anything to do with this man and everything to do with your husband.

I think you need to speak to your husband and tell him your marriage is at risk unless he starts showing up more. If it isn't this guy, it will be someone else.

I have told him many times but he says there's nothing he can do about his job and I have to accept it. I've tried but I can't. I'm having treatment for breast cancer (I'm 32) so leaving is not an option right now. It's also why my crush has gotten out of control as my life is the worst it could possibly be right now and this guy makes me forget all of that.
I feel frustrated that I have no control over what happens to me in the future in regards to my cancer and I have zero control with my husbands work. The only silver lining to having cancer is that you know how your life can be cut short at any time so you want to make the most of every single day and be happy. I have changed so much in the last year since my diagnosis and life will never be the same for me again.

Just think of his partner.
Just imagine yourself in her shoes.
If she gets wind of some annoying woman fawning over her partner it could go several ways, but one way you surely wouldn't want is to make her feel worried, on edge, that sort of thing?

Wow, that sounds v tough, sorry you’re unwell.

This man is a distraction/fantasy: you don’t know him.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time I other areas of your life OP.

I’ve been through this and it’s really destructive - it’s like an addiction harms the rest of your life in the same way any other addiction would.

The only things I found helped were cold hard reality checks - like really, what would my life be like if I followed this through? I knew it would be a car crash and reminding myself of that helped.

Also stop with making yourself look good for him, it’s not healthy. Change your FB settings so he can’t see your posts. This is all feeding the addiction.

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis op.

Concentrate on getting better soon and then you have to decide whether you carry on accepting your DH's work schedule or not.

Then your husband either changes or you'll split up and you'll be free to find someone available. Atm this man is the only man who's shown a bit of interest that you're around in. When you're single there are dating apps and other opportunities to meet lots of single men.

I am going to go slightly against the grain here. I think these feelings and the fact they won't go away is a sign there is something wrong in your marriage.
Avoiding the OM is not going to fix that and in fact it's just disruptive and stressful to do.

I think you need to see this as a warning sign and get some counselling with DH to sort your marriage out or end it. Don't write off your feelings as "limerence" or a crush as they are telling you something.

BTW I write this as someone who spent 10 years in a damaging marriage, writing the love of my life off as "limerence". I wish I'd acted sooner to figure out what my deep feelings for OM were telling me.

@Insignificantintheschemeofthin

Just think of his partner. Just imagine yourself in her shoes. If she gets wind of some annoying woman fawning over her partner it could go several ways, but one way you surely wouldn't want is to make her feel worried, on edge, that sort of thing?

Oof a bit brutal on the OP there!

I never fawn over him ever or flirt that would be embarrassing for us both. Whenever we chat it's always about work/kids/weekend plans... we don't talk about personal things. The most personal we've ever got is when he asked me if it was true if I had breast cancer. I'd kept it private (or so I thought, but a nosy mum from school took it upon herself to share my news). I'm very lucky to outwardly not look like I'm sick as I kept my hair through chemo by cold capping. He was so shocked and said i always look really well, so that's about as personal as we've been and he's never mentioned my treatment again strangely.
I agree that the crush is very telling that my marriage is in trouble and has been for years. I love DH but he is very selfish when it comes to his job and even through my treatment (8 months) he has barely taken a day off. He's great with the kids and on the weekend will take them out to give me a break. It's the connection I'm missing with him and spending quality time together. I've spoken about it at length with him but he tunes me out now so I internalise my resentment and turn my attentions elsewhere (daydreaming about this other guy).

Personally, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. If you’ve both got the will power not to cheat then just enjoy the excitement, attention and fantasy for what it is (like watching a film or reading a book).

Come off Facebook for a few months.
Walk earlier or later to school.
Walk a different route to school.
When you see him say hello and then leave / make excuses.
Focus on your health and family.
Once your stronger have a think about your marriage and what you want to do.

@4fingerKitKat

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time I other areas of your life OP.

I’ve been through this and it’s really destructive - it’s like an addiction harms the rest of your life in the same way any other addiction would.

The only things I found helped were cold hard reality checks - like really, what would my life be like if I followed this through? I knew it would be a car crash and reminding myself of that helped.

Also stop with making yourself look good for him, it’s not healthy. Change your FB settings so he can’t see your posts. This is all feeding the addiction.

Totally agree.

Been through similar, and it does just take over your life and makes you miserable.

Cold hard reality checks is definitely the way to go. You are not smitten with you are smitten with the . These two people might look the same, but one is real, and imperfect, and married, and farts and get wee on the toilet seat and never does the washing up, while the other, is perfect in every way.

is what you have constructed in your head - where you do not have information about what he is like or what he feels, you have filled in details as you would like them to be. The real cannot possibly live up to your expectations of .

And as KitKat says, take some time to really think through what would happen if you followed this through. How would this affect all the kids involved, for example?

And do treat it like an addiction. The root cause of most substance addictions is a poor support network and profound low self-esteem. The root cause of most crushes is something missing in your own life - crushes give you the adrenaline rush, the purpose, the dopamine you're missing. Can you get those things another way?

It absolutely sucks, you do have my sympathy. It would be nice if we could switch these things off at will. Unfortunately, though, this is coming from your subconscious not from your rational brain, so being told it's wrong or bad or to "just stop" won't work.

Have a read of the limerence threads on here and go no contact.

Thank you so much for the replies and for taking the time to give me advice. It's not something I would feel comfortable talking to my close friends about as they wouldn't really get it and they know this dad so it would be weird. Life feels scary right now and the happiness I get from seeing this guy is a bit like an addiction I guess. I don't get that from anywhere else.
The thought of ignoring him fills me with dread and I know he would be so confused as to why one minute we're friends and the next I'm blanking him.
It's the only way to move past this, whilst working on the root cause of how I've allowed myself to get in this position.

I do feel for you, I’m so lucky my crushes are film stars but I know what you mean something is lacking in your marriage,