Help getting over a long term crush (I’m married!)

[Crushlastingforever32]

I’m married with young kids and a husband who is a workaholic to the detriment of family life. Long story short I have been attracted to a dad at my kids school and I have really fallen for him. We walk together if our paths cross (we live very close) and I chat to him at least a couple of times a week. I feel like the feeling is mutual but he isn’t the type to cheat and honestly neither am I. The fantasising is an escapism from my life and issues in my marriage (which I’ve addressed many times with my DH but nothing much changes. He’s a good man but work always comes first). Since lockdown and this dad working from home and doing more school runs, my crush is getting out of control. I’m always hoping to bump into him and I take care of myself so I’m always looking good if I know I’ll definitely see him. Sad I know. I know no good is coming from feeling like this, but I’m stuck seeing him for many years to come whilst our kids go through the school system. I’ve tried avoiding him but end up seeing him one way or another and as soon as we start chatting that’s it I’m smitten again.
What practical things can I do to move past feeling like this? I hate that it’s been over 4yrs and I’m still not over him. He added me on Facebook a couple of months ago and that’s made it worse! He always checks out my stories and likes my posts. There’s never been any messages or anything in appropriate.
Would appreciate any help in moving past this ridiculous crush...

@Crushlastingforever32 - I’m in a similar position to you. Huge crush on someone - friends with him and his wife and we initially met through the kids’ school. I sensed the attraction was mutual from the start (I think when you know, you know!) and it’s been a few years of letting things escalate quite a bit with some quietly inappropriate flirting on boozy nights out etc. Nothing major has happened but lines have been crossed and my feelings for him are now off the scale. I’m in a bit of a mess about it all. If I could go back in time, I’d try not to orchestrate the friendship as much as I did (it’s not all about him of course, but I steer most of mine and DH’s social life together).

Hard as it is, I’d try to dial down bumping into him and chatting. So hard I know, it is just like an addiction.

I think you’re also in a vulnerable place with your treatment, and there’s nothing like awareness of mortality to make one want to embrace the joy in life - and we all know, attraction and desire is thrilling. I do find it helpful to think about consequences…eg if I were to actually have an affair, to consider the grim reality of breaking up my family and devastating my kids and DH in the process.

Hope this makes sense. Be kind to yourself. I’m sure, for both of us, these situations will pass…

Sorry OP i missed the post where you said you had told him and he basically isn't interested. I'm not really sure what to advise then, when I do speak to DH and if he isn't interested in working on things then that will be us done. I appreciate you aren't in the position to leave now but you most definitely shouldn't feel guilty!

I think you're running a massive risk when talking to this other man, OP, all the time you are smitten with him.

You are going to have to keep the conversations more generalised. I know you state that the most personal it's got is talking about your diagnosis. You need to be careful as familiarity can be the precursor to emotional affairs.

If I was in his wife's position and suspected you had a long-standing crush on my husband, it would start to make me feel concerned and anxious knowing you and he had regular contact. She might be able to trust him 100%, but nobody is entirely safe from emotional affairs without taking steps to build up those boundaries.
You wouldn't want to make another person anxious I am sure. It might help you to overcome your crush if, every time you start thinking about him romantically, you think of his wife instead.
HTH.

It seems to me, just from what's been said here, that both you and your DH are finding ways to not deal with the cancer diagnosis. It's too huge and frightening to face head-on, so your subconscious is distracting you with Handsome Dad, while your DH distracts himself with work.

I've been a workaholic myself, and it's such an easy trap to fall into. You get recognition for working hard and getting so much done, whereas you don't get that at home. With work, your DH can control a lot of things. He can't control breast cancer. Maybe that's what's frightening him into the papery arms of the thing he DOES understand and CAN control.

I feel for you, OP, it's really tough. Have you tried Better Help, the online counselling? I used them several months back when I was going through something similar but without the life-changing diagnosis. My counsellor was excellent, and I have never had successful talking therapy before in 35 years of depression. It might help you sort through your feelings and get to the root of it?

Thank you for the replies - I really appreciate the time people have taken to give me advice.
I'm currently having CBT but think counselling for relationship issues would be better.
Spoke to DH and it didn't go well. He's very defensive and said he's doing his best to juggle everything and I should accept that he's busy. He said he doesn't think we're compatible and we probably never were, but he won't leave because of the kids and the damage it will do to them. I disagree and think children would rather two happy homes than parents that have simmering resentment for each other. I've heard him say the above many times before and he only ever says it when he's really angry with me.
He said we could've relaxed and enjoyed our evening together as he had the night off but instead I start bringing up issues and causing an argument. I wasn't inviting an argument, I just wanted to move forwards with a plan of how he's going to manage his workload whilst I still have another 6 months of treatment left. He just wants to sweep everything under the carpet and move on - his parents are exactly the same. In their family they never fall out or discuss any issues. As a result from the outside looking in they are all a bit disconnected and not as close as they could be.
I feel so tired and drained. I will just focus on my self for now as this stress is making me ill and knowing I have chemo etc.. coming up is only making me feel worse about my life. 2021 has been hands down the worst year ever.

The dad I have a crush on isn't something that would ever go further than a daydream. Next year we'll see less of each other as our kids will be in separate classes. I was never worried about having an affair, it was that my crush was becoming more intense the worse I felt about my marriage/life. There is zero way it would ever jump from being attracted to him to anything more.

@Crushlastingforever32

The dad I have a crush on isn't something that would ever go further than a daydream. Next year we'll see less of each other as our kids will be in separate classes. I was never worried about having an affair, it was that my crush was becoming more intense the worse I felt about my marriage/life. There is zero way it would ever jump from being attracted to him to anything more.

In that case, your first step is to hide this thread.

Sounds like there’s little enough joy in your life at the moment. If it’s just a daydream and neither of you would act on it, why not? Stop giving yourself a hard time for a daydream and someone being nice to you.

He said he doesn't think we're compatible and we probably never were, but he won't leave because of the kids and the damage it will do to them
That's quite cruel. Poor you It really reads like he sees your cancer as an unwelcome distraction to his work. I can't imagine how lonely that must feel for you.

@Crushlastingforever32 - OP you need support and empathy, especially after going through such a tough time. It’s cruel that he’s dismissing your feelings and saying such statements. He needs to know problems don’t disappear and he needs to communicate.
I’m sorry things are so tough for you at the moment OP, I think you really need to consider if this marriage is sustainable for you and your well-being

Op - you don’t work? I suspect that boredom’s and too much time on hands is leasing to a lot of emptiness.

Work and hobbies OP. That’s the way to go. This will replace your crush.

Hmm, I suspect I may have been a bit charitable in my post above. If he's actually come out and said that he thinks you "never were" compatible, that's just needlessly hurtful.

I think this is your subconscious saying, in increasingly loud, clear and ringing tones, that your life, as it is now, is totally out of step with your personal values. What matters to you does not appear to matter to your DH - or if it does, not enough to make any practical difference.

I'm not saying LTB, but it may be worth properly scoping out your options, and what most closely aligns with what YOU personally value and what makes YOU at ease. Because trudging on as you are is clearly a recipe for unhappiness.

By the by, I agree with you wrt kids - two happy homes with parents who are friendly is WAY better than one home where no-one actually feels at home. It's meant to be a safe haven from the world for your children, not somewhere they dread going to because of the atmosphere. I felt like that for many years and it made me chronically uneasy, never "at home" wherever I was, right through to my late 30s.

We chatted again and he apologised for saying things in anger (I also said some hurtful things too). He has promised to turn down big jobs for the next couple of months and spend more time together. We shall see what happens but as I can't do much at the moment going through treatment, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

The crush is just an escape, a distraction from all the crap. You'll probably go off him when you feel happier in your own life.

Your husband sounds like a dick, he's pretty much told you the marriage is over and he isn't willing to change. You and the children deserve better.

Start making your plan to leave your husband, a long term plan for after you have finished your treatment. You said you have 6 months of treatment left so could you plan to leave in a year?