Help getting over a long term crush (I’m married!)

[Crushlastingforever32]

I’m married with young kids and a husband who is a workaholic to the detriment of family life. Long story short I have been attracted to a dad at my kids school and I have really fallen for him. We walk together if our paths cross (we live very close) and I chat to him at least a couple of times a week. I feel like the feeling is mutual but he isn’t the type to cheat and honestly neither am I. The fantasising is an escapism from my life and issues in my marriage (which I’ve addressed many times with my DH but nothing much changes. He’s a good man but work always comes first). Since lockdown and this dad working from home and doing more school runs, my crush is getting out of control. I’m always hoping to bump into him and I take care of myself so I’m always looking good if I know I’ll definitely see him. Sad I know. I know no good is coming from feeling like this, but I’m stuck seeing him for many years to come whilst our kids go through the school system. I’ve tried avoiding him but end up seeing him one way or another and as soon as we start chatting that’s it I’m smitten again.
What practical things can I do to move past feeling like this? I hate that it’s been over 4yrs and I’m still not over him. He added me on Facebook a couple of months ago and that’s made it worse! He always checks out my stories and likes my posts. There’s never been any messages or anything in appropriate.
Would appreciate any help in moving past this ridiculous crush...

Do you not think that these feelings in you put your marriage in serious jeopardy? You are obsessing over another man because your husband puts work first.
You need an urgent conversation with your DH. I suspect he works to provide for your family. But he is losing you and if he prioritises work over family then he will probably regret it.
As for your feelings- people are often reduced to silly adolescents when they become attracted to someone while married - and that teenage brain won't serve you well - making utterly stupid choices and engineering situations that 'just happen'.
Grow up, grow some balls and lay out to DH what is at stake for your family. You aren't prepared for the fallout that your fantasies are leading you.

@Seadad maybe read the whole thread before commenting. You make zero sense and clearly haven't bothered to read any of my earlier replies.

The only thing that worked for me was to block on all social media and stop messaging/replying. Cold turkey. It was really hard. Don't know what I'd have done if I saw him at the school gate. I guess sunglasses, talk to other people, be in a rush. Good luck!

Going against the grain here but if you both know neither of you would ever cheat, can you not just enjoy the feelings and use them as a bit of escapism?

@Xztop I did think that but I feel like my feelings for him are getting more intense the more I see him and chat to him. When I don't see him and his wife does the school drop off I feel disappointed. That's how I know it's gone too far going from a harmless daydream to feeling deflated if I don't see him.

We've never messaged each other. I don't have his phone no and he's never pm'd me on Facebook. He added me a few months ago and he always likes my posts if it's of me updating my profile pic and I'm on my own in it or he watches my stories (esp if they're ones where I'm in my gym kit or bikini - throwback Facebook memories). If I post about my kids he doesn't look at those ones. Maybe just typical guy behaviour? He knows my husband but didn't add him, which I thought was a bit telling. I don't know, when you have a crush on someone you can read into every little thing. I'm trying to think of all the interactions we may have in real life and on social media so I can stop them and therefore reduce contact.

I just want to say I know you're saying a major issue with your marriage is your husband being a workaholic... no one LIKES to work. He's working to earn money for your family. If he can't take a day off yeah it's annoying but you're benefiting from him working?! Do you work? I just feel like this is so inappropriate. Your husbands working hard to support his family and you're thinking about this stuff

Don't beat yourself up OP. You're going through a tough time and this is most probably a hypothetical escape from it all.
When you've finished treatment think seriously about your marriage and what you want. As you've said, life is short and you need to do what is best for you. If that means separating, or marriage counselling so be it.
None of this is about the crush. It's about you going through a scary time and your feelings of disappointment in your marriage.

@HelloWorld2577

I just want to say I know you're saying a major issue with your marriage is your husband being a workaholic... no one LIKES to work. He's working to earn money for your family. If he can't take a day off yeah it's annoying but you're benefiting from him working?! Do you work? I just feel like this is so inappropriate. Your husbands working hard to support his family and you're thinking about this stuff

What?? That's nonsense. Loads of people love their work. You don't need to be a workaholic to provide for your family - if it's salaried you get paid the same whether you do 40 or 60 hours a week. Being a workaholic is a choice, and OP's husband is choosing to check out of the relationship because he prefers to work. You sound like you have very little life experience.

I think there are many people who have been through this. Enjoy the attention but really, you’ve got think about where this ends up.
It doesn’t end up in happily ever after.. it ends up in a mess for everyone, including your children.
I agree you need to speak to your husband, even telling him you are at risk of having an affair in the future if he doesn’t sort it out. Tell him your family needs him as well and it can’t be all work

I am going to go against the grain a bit too. I'd say don't worry about it. But do treat it as just a crush.

Don't manufacture things to meet him, don't message him and don't talk about anything personal

I get crushes from time to time and I tend to just roll with it and enjoy it for what it is. If it brings a bit of happiness to a shitty time then accept that happiness but not to the detriment of family. Sometimes it's good if it gives you a reason to feel happy about the day and put a bit of make up on etc.

I actually agree with hello world. I imagine the husband is in a sales type job or managerial and is putting in the hours to provide for his family. My own husband works every hour God sends to provide for us and there is no fucking way I'd be entertaining another man while he's working his arse off for me and the kids, that is just taking the piss tbh.

Fucking hell op just seen your update about the breast cancer. 🤦🏻‍♀️So sorry. Maybe have a chat with dh and see if he can be home more, everything considered he needs to be with you as much as possible. But forget this other guy, in a romantic sense anyway

DH is a partner in a hedge fund in the city. He loves his job and there is a HUGE difference between someone who grafts for their family and a person who gets their self-esteem and self-worth through work like he does. He's a people pleaser and would rather make sure his clients are happy rather than his family. He is addicted to work - the money, the praise he gets as he's top dog etc... I honestly don't feel too guilty for thinking of this other guy and DH has been told many times that he's pushing me away and I feel like going off with someone else. He continues to say that this is the way it is and refuses to set boundaries by making constant excuses for his job. We NEVER eat together unless it's on the weekend. He's been working at home for the past year due to lockdown and hasn't had a day off. Not even 5mins for a coffee or lunch with me, while our kids are at school. Especially on my chemo days I've had to come home and get on with things on my own. He is selfish and anyone that thinks I should be grateful to be treated like that can get stuffed!

Are you prepared to stay in this marriage. Im so sorry about your cancer diagnosis but apart from money what's your husband bringing to the relationship?

I think your husband sounds incredibly selfish with regards to how he's treating you while you're on treatment. Life is too short! Look after yourself

@Crushlastingforever32 - I really feel for you OP, it must be tough, it sounds like he’s not prioritising you, especially since your cancer diagnosis. You need that emotional support, comfort and love because otherwise it becomes neglectful and that then turns into resentment and that can be very hard to recover from. In terms of the crush, i think you are pining for what you are missing and to be honest I don’t blame you. He is giving you what you’re missing in your own marriage. Obviously you both being married doesn’t make it workable but I would consider whether you still want to remain with your husband and it’s the life you wish to continue to live

Your last post is heartbreaking OP. Your DH hasn’t ever been to chemo with you? Or stopped to care for you on those days? This is some of our greatest fears…who will care for us if we fall seriously ill? It will have built massive resentment and hurt in you. Money isn’t everything and stopping for lunch doesn’t mean you won’t be able to pay the mortgage.

Re your crush, it’s a distraction from the real problem which is the lack of care and concern from your DH. Avoid the dad if you can but if you can’t stay in control of it like you have. An affair will just make an already hard time even worse for you. I wish you well and the best of health.

Blooming partnership firms are toxic. They dangle this future where you are rich and don't have to work, at the expense of current life. So many people get to the promised utopia and are unwell/divorced/no friends.
Not to mention all the people who work themselves into the ground and don't make it

This is interesting on the culture. It isn't just "working hard"

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bkqy1l

Due to Covid he's not allowed to come to chemo with me. He does come to my appointments with my oncologist and can be supportive when I'm feeling anxious about things. This whole job situation went on long before my diagnosis and it's gotten worse. Other people in his line of work are dropping like flies with burn out but he's still continuing to work the way he does. He won't be told that there are consequences for this, even for his own health. He's young and capable now but it will catch up on him. When you're diagnosed with cancer at a young age you realise that life can be cut short at anytime and I really want to make the most of every single day. I'm so jealous of anyone who wakes up and has nothing really that serious or life threatening to worry about. Every day is a gift. Everyone else's life will go back to normal when my treatment finishes but I will never be the same person again. I had hoped my diagnosis would make him think how short life is and time is precious, but if anything I see less of him than ever. I feel trapped but I can't do anything now while I'm going through active treatment. I'll have to put my energy in to getting strong agin and try not to dwell on the lack of support.

@QuentinBunbury thank you so much for this! I've forwarded the clip to him as he is definitely an insecure overachiever. I just listened to some of the audio and it describes his firm to a letter. He sometimes works 48hrs straight with no sleep and this is the expectation of the firm and his clients in the US. It's a brutal job but most people would look at how crazy it is and realise the money is in no way worth the sacrifices.

I'm so sorry OP. This is a crappy situation for all. I agree with PP, try to take the rose tinted glasses off and see it for what it is and all the potential negative ramifications. Also, it's a crazy thought, but maybe you could be a little honest with the school gate dad and tell him a little bit about what you're going through. Bringing it out into the open and exposing your crush might help to fizzle it out, especially as you have potentially many years of seeing him. And also, maybe it is possible that your husband is avoiding you and staying at work because your cancer is too painful for him. Maybe the thought of losing you is too terrifying and he is hiding from it by working.

I'm so sorry about all you've been through, op.

It sounds to me like your dh needs a real wake up call. As though he doesn't believe deep down that he's risking anything.

He thinks he can have his cake and eat it. Because so far he has been having his cake and eating it.

He's the problem here imo.

You deserve to feel fulfilled and really connected to your partner. As you say,life is short.

If be insisting on relationship counselling if it were me

@Crushlastingforever32 I wasn't going to comment on your crush situation as I don't think I can add anything but I just wanted to send you solidarity as someone else currently going through chemo for breast cancer although I'm ten years older than you- still young (Ish). It changes the very core of who you are forever and makes you assess everything - all whilst feeling rotten physically. The idea of escaping it all to life before. Or something better. Well. I get that completely

So sorry you are having such a bad time OP. I think you know you need to keep your distance from this man though. It can never end well, I know this unfortunately. In my case the messages were genuinely innocent at first, completely necessary but eventually took a turn in a different direction. If there are feelings from both sides then the more contact means you will only feel more for him.

I wish I had spoken to my DH about how I was feeling beforehand but instead I'm left with a big mess and even further behind with sorting my marriage. A big can of worms has been opened and it really isn't good.