Found out my husband has £17,000 of debt

[MsRobinEllacott]

That's it really.

I thought he maybe owed a couple of thousand but I became suspicious because he seemed to get letters from so many different banks. I put him on the spot and he admitted he owes £17,000 on about 6 different credit cards. That's more than his annual salary.

He claims that it goes back to when we were both part-time before our DC went to school and that it just accumulated every month because our outgoings were consistently more than our income.

But this doesn't really make sense to me; I had a lot more outgoings than he did - the mortgage, car, council tax, most bills came off my account and I paid quite a bit towards food as well.

I am the higher earner so didn't mind this, and It should have left us both with more or less the same amount after bills (We have a joint spending account for food, petrol etc that we pay onto as and when needed but our own accounts for salaries, direct debits etc.)

I'm now absolutely frantic. We CANNOT afford this. I worked out that the minimum repayments cost him about £350 every month.

The worst thing is that a few months ago he suggested it was time to get a new kitchen. I had been getting extra hours at work and we'd just saved quite a bit on a new mortgage deal so felt like we were in a better financial situation than we had been for a long time, and our kitchen had been in a bad way ever since we moved in 5 years ago.

So we got an interest free deal, that seemed affordable; it's costing us about £7000. I signed the direct debit agreement as I'm the higher earner.

I just can't get my head around the fact that the kitchen was HIS suggestion and he WATCHED me sign this agreement in my name knowing all the time that we were in all this debt. I feel like an absolute idiot.

He's now unable to contribute much to our day to day expenses - food, petrol, DC's hobbies. That's all going to come from my account which is fine when I'm getting extra hours but due to cutbacks these aren't guaranteed. So I'm probably going to end up in debt too.

I just don't know what to do. Don't know why I posted this, really, but I have no-one to talk to in real life

I had one like this and he is history. I actually view this deception on a par with cheating. I hated my ex for doing this to me and it’s something I couldn’t recover from. Mine got into £25k of debt when he had no need to. It infuriated me and our relationship never recovered as I lost all respect for him.

The lying would get me.

Has he made any practical suggestions to sorting out clearing it? Has he made steps to sell anything he has of worth? Downgrade car/phone/cancel gym memberships that he has etc (if of course he has any of this).

Have you seen the credit card statements? You can go back 7 years online. I would want to see what the money was spent on to see how it happened and what could be cut back on going forward. I would also go through every direct debit splitting into essential/ non essential and cut out all non essentials until I felt the debt was manageable. If you post you income and outgoings on here people will help with this.

Can he increase his hours? Take on a second job in the evening?

What has he spent it on? General day to day things building up or something else?

If you want to just deal with the financial payments and make them more manageable can you add it to your mortgage? That will spread out the cost.

Or, get them all on 0% interest deals asap so he’s at least paying off the debt not the interest.

I would ask to see the statements going back to the start, when you're on a low salary its so easy to overspend and thenit grows and grows as you have less money available due to minimum payments.

He cant just get out of contributing to the bills, if he lived on his own he would have to pay bills and his debts.

My ex husband loved spending on anything and everything, he generally didn't spend more than £10-£20 on anything but when you're buying something every day it all adds up.

Work lunches out can add up to over £5 per day.
I bet he is still spending on the cards which isn't going to help the situation.

If you want to just deal with the financial payments and make them more manageable can you add it to your mortgage? That will spread out the cost

Do not do this. Clearly you and dh keep your finances separate so I'd leave things that way (with transparency from him). Do not bring this debt (of his) onto a shared asset (that only you pay for).

On a purely practical level, the organisation below are great with free debt advice and possible solutions. It’s a government charity, so you won’t have to pay.

www.stepchange.org/

For advice on cutting back etc. the site moneysavingexpert has a ‘debt free wannabe’ section, with experienced posters offering help.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe

Good luck with sorting it out.

With that kind of debt unless he’s on 0% interest deals (which I doubt if he’s a low earner) he’s not making a dent on repayments I was in £10k of debt and paying £500ish a month on just minimum payments. He’s never going to pay it back unless he perhaps enters a DMP but specifies this is his debt and your earnings are not taken into account. You need to speak to Stepchange. It’ll take him years to pay it back but it’s likely one of the only ways.

I’d find that really hard. That’s a lot of debt on his salary & now you’ll be left dealing with the repercussions. Make sure he’s changed his ways & cut up his cards. Having debt also means he can’t save/invest for the future & this also impacts on you hugely. Very unfair.

Why is he unable to contribute? That seems a bit much. Has he been transparent about his earnings, where his money goes each month and how he’s going to pay this all off?

Sounds like he sees you as the money bank

My concern would be that he continues to get further into debt despite claiming to pay things off if he’s not being transparent

Has he cut his cards up etc?

If he has not been making much of a dent in his debt, it's quite possible that the cc companies have increased their interest rates. Any payments he makes would just be covering the minimum amount.

My DH had a card with a 50% interest rate purely down to his poor debt management!

Can you call the kitchen company and tell them you’ve ran into unexpected financial difficulties? They will try keep the deal but you can say no point them sending workmen to a property that is going to struggle to pay, they’re not a charity, so it’s in mutual interest to cancel the deal.

Find out how he got into that debt.

A friend's DH had similar debt from gambling online. They managed to pay it off by selling property but he did it again.
They are now divorced.

Do you think he could be or was gambling?

I'd be concerned there's more if he's admitted to £17k.

Does he have an agreement plan to pay it off?

I totally agree with the recommendation from @KarmaLady to go over to the Money Saving Expert forums.

This story of hidden debt finally being revealed is common and in addition to practical advice on dealing with it you will find people supportive about the emotional implications. There are some people with long running dairies who have cleared astonishing sums of debt often on very low incomes.. They are really inspirational.

Obviously you need to jointly deal with the practicalities of repaying the debt (sounds like some of your financials are separate if he's hidden it for so long) and a strict JOINT budget so you can see where the money is going from now on.

However you and your husband need some help to resolve the sense of betrayal this will have caused and to repair the trust in your relationship. Maybe separate counselling as well as for you both as he needs to understand why he did this. I know it must feel like such a shock and with no one to talk to IRL the online community can be a real support network.

I wouldn’t trust him op. I’d want full disclosure now. If you’ve signed up for credit don’t you get a cooling off period? So can you cancel the kitchen??

I disagree with others that it could be gambling - my DH is similarly awful with money and a tendency to run Up (secret) debt - I wouldn't trust him to manage a piggy bank!

I totally understand why you feel betrayed and unfortunately it means you'll never really Be able to trust him with money again. I think tough love is needed for now - you tell him he needs to sell
Any of his belongings with any value, he finds a second job, all his salary goes into your account and you transfer him in an agreed set amount of "spending" money after his debt and share of household bills is paid. If that leaves him with nothing then so be it (I don't care if this is classed as financial abuse by the way) and that's the way it is until the debt is paid off

Do not under any circumstances pay this bill off yourself or or add to the mortgage

Tell him you want to see statements op and work out exactly where the money is going

I lost a lot of respect for my ex over his poor money management and stopped helping him get out of situations that were of his own making.

Your DH needs to look for a better earning job or take a second job in the evenings. He needs to take the hit in his day to day life and standard of living so that it has less impact on you and your children. Hopefully he realises this.

You need to see everything and understand exactly what happened. Complete transparency from the past and going into the future.

I’m not sure I could get over this tbh - especially the kitchen bit.

@BurrosTail

Can you call the kitchen company and tell them you’ve ran into unexpected financial difficulties? They will try keep the deal but you can say no point them sending workmen to a property that is going to struggle to pay, they’re not a charity, so it’s in mutual interest to cancel the deal.

I'd say if this was the right step, that the OPS husband should be the one to sort it.

I'll go against the grain here. If I'm honest I would cut him some slack. He's owned up to it. Been in debt is extremely stressful. Is he keeping up to date with payments?

Nobody sets out to get into unaffordable debt, therefore there is obviously a deeper issue here. I think you have a right to be angry about the secret keeping, but you either decide to support him with it and move on or if you can't do that then look at parting ways. He will feel relieved now it's out in the open.

I would try to get to the bottom of if this is the full amount. I don't think I would demand to go back through credit card statements as this will only fuel your anger.

If you've been able to get credit for the kitchen then at least he hasn't trashed your joint credit ratings, hopefully this means he'll be able to get 0% balance transfer cards?

I'm ok with maths, but I really struggle to figure out a comparison between loan interest rates and CC rates. Although I think I recall something about the rules about how they advertise them being changed, so maybe it's simpler now? Anyway, maybe a loan to pay off all the cards would be better than the existing cards if he can get a good rate? If he can't get 0% card/s

I worked 3 jobs to clear XH debts, suggest he does the same, make sure it his him putting in the graft not you. Lots of bar work available right now. Be aware their maybe more debts to come. My XH was a repeat offender you may need to assess your relationship because this could be an ongoing trend with him. Is he worth it? Living in debt is awful, I couldnt do it again.