Found out my husband has £17,000 of debt

[MsRobinEllacott]

That's it really.

I thought he maybe owed a couple of thousand but I became suspicious because he seemed to get letters from so many different banks. I put him on the spot and he admitted he owes £17,000 on about 6 different credit cards. That's more than his annual salary.

He claims that it goes back to when we were both part-time before our DC went to school and that it just accumulated every month because our outgoings were consistently more than our income.

But this doesn't really make sense to me; I had a lot more outgoings than he did - the mortgage, car, council tax, most bills came off my account and I paid quite a bit towards food as well.

I am the higher earner so didn't mind this, and It should have left us both with more or less the same amount after bills (We have a joint spending account for food, petrol etc that we pay onto as and when needed but our own accounts for salaries, direct debits etc.)

I'm now absolutely frantic. We CANNOT afford this. I worked out that the minimum repayments cost him about £350 every month.

The worst thing is that a few months ago he suggested it was time to get a new kitchen. I had been getting extra hours at work and we'd just saved quite a bit on a new mortgage deal so felt like we were in a better financial situation than we had been for a long time, and our kitchen had been in a bad way ever since we moved in 5 years ago.

So we got an interest free deal, that seemed affordable; it's costing us about £7000. I signed the direct debit agreement as I'm the higher earner.

I just can't get my head around the fact that the kitchen was HIS suggestion and he WATCHED me sign this agreement in my name knowing all the time that we were in all this debt. I feel like an absolute idiot.

He's now unable to contribute much to our day to day expenses - food, petrol, DC's hobbies. That's all going to come from my account which is fine when I'm getting extra hours but due to cutbacks these aren't guaranteed. So I'm probably going to end up in debt too.

I just don't know what to do. Don't know why I posted this, really, but I have no-one to talk to in real life

He also needs to stop spending on the cards.

Have you sat down and seen exactly what / who he owes (look on some of the credit checking website - there's a free link on money saving expert) then look at what he's earning/spending, then you can see where it's been going and how to change. There's an analogy that the one coffee at day is >£1k a year - it all adds up !

I second checking his credit score and see exactly what the damage is - you may not even know the whole story yet.
If you don't already, you should also check your score to see if there's any joint debt you were unaware of

Absolutely cancel the kitchen

If I were you, I wouldn't be accepting any kind of head in the sand shit - he's done this, I would expect him to be getting out of it.

Id want to know what it's been spent on - specifically is it gambling,

What's the point of having a partner you can't trust, someone who is basically happy to steal from you and your children? What's it gone on? Tat, only fans, gambling, drugs booze? Nothing good anyway. I wouldn't be able to carry on with someone who did that to me unless they came to me with a plan of how they were going to pay it all back; and full disclosure on W here the money had gone.

He needs to:
a) get it all transferred onto a 0% interest card. When the 0% interest period is up it needs to be transferred to a new 0% interest card.
b) all cards cut up, including the new 0% interest one. He's not going to be adding to the debt
c) get an evening/Saturday job. Plenty of places advertising for bar staff right now
d) share the statements with you so that you can be satisfied that he's not spending wildly and this debt has been caused by interest payments getting out of control

My Exh did this. Once it all came out he just got sneakier with it. He took out a loan to cover all his credit cards and unauthorised overdrafts as it worked out much cheaper. He stood in front of me and cut up all the cards. Then I found out months later he reported one as lost so got sent a new one and opened up another online credit account (so no physical card and no statements to the house). He ran up even more dept!

@Shinesun14 He can't have a DRO if he owns a house.

@tara66 He can declare himself bankrupt but his share of the eauity in the house would go to the Official Receiver who will want the money so the OP will either have to pay that or sell their home to pay it.

Any form of insolvency the OPs husband does WILL affect her as they have a joint mortgage, his credit rating reflects on hers even if she is not named on his accounts.
There is no need to consider insolvency at the moment while the payments are affordable.

If the OP decides they should stay together and work through this then all options need to be discussed and she should definitely care about her credit rating and house during these discussions.

OP I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I'd be concerned that DH isn't going to stop getting into more and more debt.

Unless I was completely convinced that he wasn't going to continue getting in debt then I couldn't continue the relationship as it's just unsustainable and is dragging the whole family into a downward spiral.

I'd need for DH to understand and communication what drove this overspending and what it was that he overspent on. Is there an issue with addiction to gambling, drugs or alcohol? Does he have an undiagnosed mental illness?

Does he really feel ready and able to stop overspending and start to pay the money back?

And I'd need him to come up with a plan to address the issue. If his plan is for YOU to address the issue rather than make all possible attempts to raise his own income and sell his stuff that would be unacceptable for me.

You would definitely not be unreasonable to leave him over this OP. It's certainly a huge betrayal of trust and has undermined the future and financial stability of your whole family.

What a shock. What others have said -

Full disclosure about amounts and what it's gone on. Check statements, Equifax the lot.

No new kitchen for the mo.

Him to go to CAP/Stepchange and work out a plan.

He's not a high earner by any stretch so a few shifts in a pub/restaurant each week to bring the debt down.

You should have a cooling off period for the kitchen.

Then you make him tell you everything and go through statements and his credit score together.

Then HE takes responsibility for it and contacts a debt organisation. This isn't your shit to sort.

I would be asking for copies of the statements to see what harps been spent

Look at 0% transfer cards if possible, but in his name. Do not take any part of the debt on

How much does he earn a month? I would suggest he pays the minimum plus a bot to start to eat away at it by setting up a standing order. The rest goes to you as his contribution to bills for the house

I would also be telling him to find a second job to bring in extra

Make sure all cards have been destroyed

Should have also said that any form of DMP or informal payment offers will lead to defaults (if the payment is under the contractural amount) which are also detrimental to the husband and the OP.

Tread very carefully as you could be putting your future at stake.

@Karmalady

It’s never a good idea to get in different debt to try and clear older debt. Contact one of the free charities, such as Stepchange, as they can help with a debt management plan, which freezes interest and negotiates with companies to receive x a month.. It will trash his credit rating for 6 years, but that might not be a bad thing.

But it will also trash OPs credit rating, they're married, mortgage, joint account - they're 'financially linked'. I made this mistake - I opened a joint account for household expenses with someone who was on a DMP. My previously ilunblemished credit rating was completely destroyed.

My husband's DMP hasnt dented my credit rating. It's always been 99% throughout.

The only think it affects is our joint assets- the house. So I cant move it. I can get the best rate with the same provider. I cant get it signed over to me either even if dh willing wanted to agree to it.

Something to consider before arranging the dmp or before he defaults. The moment he defaults on a payment the mortgage situation gets fucked dmp or not. I think that's two missed payments? Cant remember

He is utterly dishonest and prepared to drag you down with him.

Utterly selfish.

Deal breaker.

I would never trust him again.

Protect yourself.

Do not take on this debt.

Separate, sell, start again.

This is who he is.
Dishonest.

Your dh needs to get a second job
Anything that’s going until he, not you, has paid his debts

This ^^

The rest of it, and the future of the relationship, would depend for me on just what it went on, and especially how open he's now prepared to be about the extent of it all

@Snog

OP I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'd be concerned that DH isn't going to stop getting into more and more debt.

Unless I was completely convinced that he wasn't going to continue getting in debt then I couldn't continue the relationship as it's just unsustainable and is dragging the whole family into a downward spiral.

I'd need for DH to understand and communication what drove this overspending and what it was that he overspent on. Is there an issue with addiction to gambling, drugs or alcohol? Does he have an undiagnosed mental illness?

Does he really feel ready and able to stop overspending and start to pay the money back?

And I'd need him to come up with a plan to address the issue. If his plan is for YOU to address the issue rather than make all possible attempts to raise his own income and sell his stuff that would be unacceptable for me.

You would definitely not be unreasonable to leave him over this OP. It's certainly a huge betrayal of trust and has undermined the future and financial stability of your whole family.

Excellent push from @Snog

I would also be concerned that he's admitting to £17K but it's actually even more than that. I would want to see copes of his credit report too

For practical issues, they both need to sit down, check credit reports, and see what is owed to whom. Then contact one of the debt charities for individual tailored advice, as to the best way forward.

They then need to discuss how this debt arose…debt can spiral with shorter hours/less pay and trying to make ends meet. Not every debtor is an alcoholic, gambling junkie!

Part of the problem is that when people lose control of their debt, they are stressed and worried about disclosing it to their partner. Silly, unwise but understandable. Even with the kitchen, he might have thought the OP really wanted it, and he just unwisely kept quiet.

As for busting up the marriage and home, I would certainly try and sort this out first, rather than that, unless there are other problems. Money issues can always be sorted out with the right help, determination, and an ability to be honest about it, with each other, going forward.

But, that’s up to the OP obviously.