Found out my husband has £17,000 of debt

[MsRobinEllacott]

That's it really.

I thought he maybe owed a couple of thousand but I became suspicious because he seemed to get letters from so many different banks. I put him on the spot and he admitted he owes £17,000 on about 6 different credit cards. That's more than his annual salary.

He claims that it goes back to when we were both part-time before our DC went to school and that it just accumulated every month because our outgoings were consistently more than our income.

But this doesn't really make sense to me; I had a lot more outgoings than he did - the mortgage, car, council tax, most bills came off my account and I paid quite a bit towards food as well.

I am the higher earner so didn't mind this, and It should have left us both with more or less the same amount after bills (We have a joint spending account for food, petrol etc that we pay onto as and when needed but our own accounts for salaries, direct debits etc.)

I'm now absolutely frantic. We CANNOT afford this. I worked out that the minimum repayments cost him about £350 every month.

The worst thing is that a few months ago he suggested it was time to get a new kitchen. I had been getting extra hours at work and we'd just saved quite a bit on a new mortgage deal so felt like we were in a better financial situation than we had been for a long time, and our kitchen had been in a bad way ever since we moved in 5 years ago.

So we got an interest free deal, that seemed affordable; it's costing us about £7000. I signed the direct debit agreement as I'm the higher earner.

I just can't get my head around the fact that the kitchen was HIS suggestion and he WATCHED me sign this agreement in my name knowing all the time that we were in all this debt. I feel like an absolute idiot.

He's now unable to contribute much to our day to day expenses - food, petrol, DC's hobbies. That's all going to come from my account which is fine when I'm getting extra hours but due to cutbacks these aren't guaranteed. So I'm probably going to end up in debt too.

I just don't know what to do. Don't know why I posted this, really, but I have no-one to talk to in real life

I don't know gingerbiscuit19 OP said she had to put him on the spot, he's not come clean voluntarily. And OP also thinks he should have had enough money to cover essentials, so I'd want to see statements in case it's gambling or something else that could be an ongoing problem.

I got deeply into a overdraft a few years ago, from day to day expenses when I had a reduction in income. I can sympathise with him perhaps being stressed/ashamed/not wanting to talk about it.

I think the difference here is that my DP knew we were skint, although he didn't know the exact state of my bank account. OPs DH has let her believe everything is fine, even to the point of encouraging further debt which he must have known OP wouldn't have agreed to if she knew about his CCs.

I feel he has un burdened onto OP who now also has the emotional and financial burden on herself. My X just sat there sheepishly whilst i went out on Sunday mornings to clean pub toilets to clear his debts. I would get rid of the fucker, can't get past the fact he watched her sign that contract.

Cancel the kitchen. Tell him you need all his credit card statements and you need to know what the money went on. Drugs? Gambling? Tell him you need to know everything or the marriage is over. Then he needs some proper debt advice. If it’s credit cards the interest rate is probably extortionate. Look into ways of consolidating the debt into a loan or adding it to the mortgage. If you want to stay with him that is. I’d be questioning that personally.

I had this but it was more. Dh started a DMP which is not without consequences. We now cant move mortgages.

He had everything frozen by step change and his credit rating went to shit which was a massive relief as hopefully he will never get credit again.

I took him off every single joint account where I could. The only thing we share is the house now as I couldn't split that. All his wages get paid to me.

It's a horrible betrayal. We have masses of equity so it's stupid and needless but I am still financially secure. He knows also that if we ever parted ways his debts come off his share after I recope any overpayments I make into the house. That might seem unfair on him but I need know that if I pay more into our assets than him, he never gets to piss my hard work up the wall.

PM me if you want too.

Your dh needs to get a second job.
Anything that’s going until he, not you, has paid his debts.

Horrible shock OP, emotionally and financially, sorry you are going through this.

Whatever else happens I would formalise your finances more. It seems he pays towards joint food and petrol costs ‘as and when’, which if he is bad with money (he obviously is) doesn’t hold him to a clear budget.

Work out all the joint costs each month and pay them all from the household account. Cover everything from mortgage to kids activities, a budget for family days out etc.

Pay an agreed amount into that account on standing order from your sole accounts, the day after your salaries go in. You might want to pay into the account pro rata to your wages, or in a way that leaves you an equal amount of disposable and / or savings.

Then his contribution to the household is fixed and guaranteed, the money for bills etc is secured, and he has a clear remaining budget to work from.

He is not a grown up as far as money is concerned, and has probably treated all the credit card ‘deals’ like a supermarket pick and mix.

Yes, why are you doing all these extra hours? I keep hearing pubs and restaurants can’t get staff: he can do some shifts every week alongside his job.

What are his prospects for something bringing in more than £17k?

Sell the house and divorce him before his debts swallow up all your assets. Then you can buy another house solely in your name with no financial tie to him.

He needs to go to a reputable organisation or charity like stepchange and get an IVA or debt relief order - assuming the mortgage is in your name if you're the one paying it.

Otherwise an informal agreement between creditors would be best.

I feel your pain OP. I had the same with my husband, I found out by total coincidence that he had 10000 euros in debt plus any interest and court costs from the creditor to get it back. Luckily we are married in a total separation of assets situation so my money has been safe but as with you he lied about it, we got a new car i would never have agreed to if I had known and it also means that I have paid for tons of things when he should be contributing. I lost a lot of respect for him over this. And no, he didn´t spend it on luxury items, or clothes, we have NOTHING to show for it.

On a practical side I'd start bingeing Dave Ramsey, financial diet ect. Between the two of you cut down all unnecessary spending to the bare bones. Take on extra shifts or second jobs if you have to. Throw every penny you can at clearing the debt. I'd be very upset it's happened but if they had the right attitude to getting out of debt I could forgive in time

I suspect there may be other accounts yet to emerge. You need to sit down and ask him to come totally clean. Debts do spiral if all you do is pay minimum so he may well have spent far less. The interest accumulates often at a very high rate. Can he speak to Stepchange or similar to get the payments under contrail and hopefully freeze interest. 17k is a low wage, can he work another job/more hours or upskill

Can he declare himself bankrupt? Expect some expert on MN will know the answer.

Definitely cancel the kitchen, tell them you can’t afford it now as suggested up thread,

I hope you get this sorted out.

I wouldn't have thought he could declare himself bankrupt as they have a lot of equity in the house.

There will come a point when he puts his head in his hands and starts crying....dont be swayed by this, HE needs to sort it.

Are you sure it's only that much? He has been deceptive, it's possible he's not owning up to all of it. Run a credit check on him and ask to see all his account statements and correspondence from the banks.

What has he been spending his money on?
Are you happy that you live within your means?
What a mess he’s got are you in to definitely look and see if you can cancel the kitchen

I’m not sure how you move on from this you don’t want to micromanage his finances you’re not his mother but equally I couldn’t trust him

I am so sorry OP, that is an awful thing to be dealing with on a practical level, plus the betrayal of trust is huge. I agree with PP who puts it on a par with cheating. This will change your relationship, but for the moment let’s assume you can recover it, and it’s about taking practical action.

I think you have to stay involved to get a repayment plan going, to avoid it impacting on you more than necessary, but after that step away. From what you say it sounds like he is very childish financially and you have been paying for stuff for him for a long time.

• cancel the kitchen, if you can - go through to customer services and explain the situation if necs. If they say no - don’t despair you may well be able to cancel it once you are in a debt management programme, so put it all on hold for now.
• sit him down for a serious come to Jesus conversation. Tell him he needs to come completely clean, now, or your relationship will be irretrievably damaged
• sent him off to pull out all of the details right then and bring them all back to you. Don’t give him a couple days to do this, make him do it right then and there
• make a list of everything and contact citizens advice or a reliable debt charity direct to get advice on how best to do it - there are many options - you can freeze it (so no further interest), reduce payments, declare a IVS (less severe than bankruptcy, or bankruptcy. Obviously you need it on his record not yours so you need to stay part of this conversation.
• once you have the repayment system going - it’s his problem. He needs to accept reduced spending for himself and if he doesn’t want to do that then he is going to have to pull a. Extra shift at the weekend
• at some point, probably when you have a plan sorted, he needs to address why he did this.

Try and get something like a Tesco loan, £17K over 10yrs will be around £185/month, i.e. half what you're paying now. Then pay off and close all credit card accounts.

For practical advice stepchange are fantastic. I will echo others though and say that he has to fix this , if you do it for him there's a chance that he won't learn the consequences of his actions. I say this as a person that had a small amount of debt many years ago too.

If he's unwilling to do the work then you've got a difficult decision to make.

Oh , and please , please don't take out a consolidation loan in your name. That's the worst thing you can do.

You need to see all his accounts as I have a feeling 17k won't even be all of it.

Contact stepchange to see if they can help him consolidate any of the debt and freeze the interest on it. Work out a plan, use the snowball method as it can be very motivating.

Alternatively kick him out as he has shown to be deceitful.

Mine was £13k although I knew about most of it, he just wouldn’t stop spending. It was even anything ‘big’ just frittered away. It’s all too easy to let it all spiral out of control.

Mine wouldn’t face up to it and made minimal attempts to cut back which is a major reason why he’s an ex.

In your shoes, the kitchen would be the death blow. He knows you can’t afford it but still carried on.

It’s never a good idea to get in different debt to try and clear older debt. Contact one of the free charities, such as Stepchange, as they can help with a debt management plan, which freezes interest and negotiates with companies to receive x a month.. It will trash his credit rating for 6 years, but that might not be a bad thing.