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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed next door neighbour's 5 year old a burger... oops!

85 replies

JC2021 · 14/06/2021 22:57

Really random one, but it has been on my mind as to whether i did the wrong thing - depending on the parents..

so next door a 5 year old girl on (some occasions) plays with my boy, we were in the garden - it was sunny around 5pm - my husband was making us a BBQ, he offered her a burger to which she said 'yes, with no cheese!'

At age 5 I would have thought it OK to offer her directly - I then immediately felt I should have checked-in with her parents i know, my husband is very chill/relaxed with kids.. but it has definitely fallen on me..

the mum messaged me that night saying 'thank you for the treat..she enjoyed it' but since hasn't let her play in our garden..

Each time the little girl now comes close to ours her parents call her in/away.. :/

Oversight on my part I know, any one would have responded differently?

We are fairly new neighbours of 2 years..

OP posts:
Original poster
JC2021 · 15/06/2021 08:31

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Derbee · 15/06/2021 08:31

I generally agree with PPs saying if the child is old enough to come over, they’re old enough to decide about food choices, and parents should mention any allergies etc.

BUT the child was not over for dinner, and that’s not what was agreed with her parents. Therefore, the correct thing in my opinion would be to say “we’re going to have dinner soon, so it’s time for you to go home now. Thanks for coming to play, and see you soon!”

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 15/06/2021 08:32

At 5pm she was probably expected home for her own dinner shortly. Maybe they had dinnertime issues because she's already had the burger.

I do think 5 is too young to decide for yourself here.

Tal45 · 15/06/2021 08:38

Calling it a treat is weird, maybe they eat extremely healthily or something. It seems a shame they've stopped letting her play though. Could you text her back and say you hope you didn't over step the mark with giving her a burger and that she is welcome to play in the garden.

MareofBeasttown · 15/06/2021 08:45

I think you were being kind and hospitable. I say this as someone whose children were veggie at that age ( they are not now). But if I let my child into your garden, then it is my responsibility to inform you of allergies or diet habits.

CorvusPurpureus · 15/06/2021 08:48

Message her & blame it on dh, since he was the one who actually offered the burger...?

'I've been thinking & hope the burger didn't ruin her tea or was something she's not allowed - I told dh afterwards he should have checked it was ok first.'

Then she can either put your mind at rest that it's fine, & maybe they just thought she was being a bit cheeky taking food/don't want you to think she's a nuisance.

OR she can explain that actually there is a reason (vegetarians, allergies, no snacks rule) why they would prefer you not to feed her in future.

I'm wondering if specifying no cheese indicates a dairy intolerance? My friend's dd has this, & friend really worries about food at other people's houses because dairy gets into everything. It's not an allergy as such, but does upset her stomach quite spectacularly.

So if it's something like that, neighbour might be thinking 'I can't say anything - they were being nice! I'll discourage dd from going round in case they're dishing up ice cream next time, though...'

beetlesandants · 15/06/2021 09:41

Don't ask or message her about this as other people advised as then you will look over the top.
Just say hi if you see them and be polite.
They are not worried about offending you.
You had their child over, gave them some food and the lady said thanks for the burger.
That's it.
Worry about people as much as they worry about you.

Ting20161987 · 15/06/2021 09:42

A couple of years ago I would have done the same as you and offered food. Since then though my daughter has been diagnosed with serious allergy and I would always check with the parents now before giving another child food. But at the same time, if allergies were involved the neighbor should inform you, I am very vocal about my daughters allergy for the reason of people/children offering her food. My daughter is 5 and pretty clued on her allergy. But a burger she would think is fine, when in reality it potentially couldn't have been. Don't beat yourself up about it though

ginghamstarfish · 15/06/2021 09:49

The mum might (or should) be embarrassed. If there was any chance the daughter has allergies, then no mum should be allowing them at friends' or neighbours' homes without telling them. Or she might be embarrassed that you thought the girl was hungry. I'd ask her - you don't know what the girl might have said.

UpTheJunktion · 15/06/2021 10:03

Communicate head on. All this second guessing helps no one.

When you see her “Hi neighbour, I’ve been meaning to say, I hope it was ok that xxx are a burger at our house, we should have checked for dietary needs or that you weren’t cooking her tea…how do you feel about her having anything to eat when she’s over?”

Kanitawa · 15/06/2021 10:07

My DS has burgers at home but I specifically choose a wheat free brand. If the neighbours gave him a burger made with wheat flour he would be extremely ill. And he wouldn’t think to say no because he eats burgers at home and they look identical so he doesn’t understand the difference. Never feed children without asking the parents!

SoupDragon · 15/06/2021 10:10

The mum might (or should) be embarrassed.

Why should she be embarrassed?

I think it is far more likely that she's annoyed because the DD didn't eat her dinner having been fed at 5pm next door.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2021 10:13

Just message her / speak to her.

"I do hope we didn't cause any upset offering Jemima a burger, only she's not been over to place since. Mark didn't think to check so I hope it didn't mess up your own dinner"

DragonDoor · 15/06/2021 10:21

If the child had any severe allergies, or strict dietary requirements I would expect the onus to be on the parents to inform you if the child is on their own, even for a short visit. It’s not unusual for snacks to be offered to children for example.

They may be feeling embarrassed that they let their child over to play at a meal time while you were all BBQ’ing. Alternatively, may be a bit surprised that the child had been given food when they had a family meal planned later in the day, and will now remember to discuss expectations for play dates in the future.

Unless they had said something like ‘can X play out with your D.C. until tea time’ I don’t think you have done anything wrong.

Mandalay246 · 15/06/2021 10:28

You haven't done anything wrong.
If her daughter had any allergies the parents should tell you before they let their daughter play in your garden.
Don't worry about this at all. If they are funny about you giving their child food it's a very sad/pathetic world.
Some people get funny if their child is given something they think is unhealthy.
It's an occasional treat when you are visiting someone else.
If they don't want their daughter to play with your son anymore over this I would say 'get a life'

I totally agree with this. How has parenting become such a minefield these days? When I was a kid this sort of thing wasn't an issue and we all ate at friends houses.

Kanitawa · 15/06/2021 10:33

the onus to be on the parents to inform you
Truthfully I wouldn’t expect my DC to be handed food over the fence in our own garden though. If he’d gone round to the bbq then I’d have told the neighbours about his food allergy. But not if he was just playing in our back garden on his own.

LoopTheLoops · 15/06/2021 10:43

Was it over the fence? I assumed the child was round their house?

Bananahana · 15/06/2021 10:52

There could have been gluten in burgers and kid could be celiac. It’s a serious condition. You should have checked but you could raise it and just say sorry. It’s no biggy.

MissDoomAndGloom · 15/06/2021 10:54

Their child was playing in your garden whilst you were BBQing, I think it's normal and polite to offer food to visitors? and others have said, I would have expected the parents to make you aware of any allergies, etc beforehand.

I'm also pretty sure they would have seen you preparing the bbq and still didn't call their child in? so try not to overthink x

Hallyup6 · 15/06/2021 10:56

I'd have checked with her parents first. If it had just been an ice lolly on a hot day then I'd probably have just given her that but a burger is quite a substantial meal for a small child and I wouldn't have wanted to prevent her from eating her tea. I wouldn't be worried about allergies or anything like that as I assume the child would be able to tell me if they were allergic to anything. My 5 year old nephew has food allergies and knows exactly what he can and can't have, and if he's not sure he will always say.

LindaEllen · 15/06/2021 10:59

I would have asked the parents because at 5pm they could have been cooking dinner, and it's annoying when someone comes home saying they're not hungry because they've eaten while they're out.

BorderlineHappy · 15/06/2021 11:00

If you fed my DS a burger you could have killed him. He's anaphylactic to multiple foods. He CAN eat some burgers so would probably think all were safe and accept it. Whilst I understand he's the minority you really should be careful.

In the his case the onus is on you to tell people they're not mind readers.
And maybe drill it in to your son not to accept food without checking with you first.

Fuckingcrustybread · 15/06/2021 11:02

@Kanitawa

the onus to be on the parents to inform you Truthfully I wouldn’t expect my DC to be handed food over the fence in our own garden though. If he’d gone round to the bbq then I’d have told the neighbours about his food allergy. But not if he was just playing in our back garden on his own.
Stop making stuff up, op hasn't said the food was passed over the fence, the child was in the garden. It's the responsibility of the parent to inform others of any allergies.
huuskymam · 15/06/2021 11:07

The mother could think her daughter is bothering you so calls her away. I was constantly having to tell my son to stop looking over into our neighbours garden, after a chat she's actually fine with it. My son regularly hops over the wall to play with her daughters.

mindutopia · 15/06/2021 12:34

I would be annoyed if someone fed my child a meal without asking me first. I wouldn't expect a 5 year old to know about every food allergy. I know some 5 year olds with allergies who still try to eat all the treats everyone else is having that they can't have. Or if there were cultural reasons. But more it's just about interfering with someone's routines for the day. If she was in the middle of cooking a meal herself and then her child had already eaten, it would be annoying to waste that food.

As a parent, I think it would make me worry a bit about boundaries. What else might you offer to do without asking? It's just polite to check that it's okay first rather than assuming.