I’ve messed up and I’m lost

[Sweetpea82]

Please don’t judge me, I just need people to help me! Long story. I’ve been married 19 years I’m 35 been with my hubby since 16. I love him dearly but we have grown apart just different people.
We have to lovely kids.

My hubby has always been one of those guys who has to be texting a women. In fact I’m not sure of a time when he hasn’t. I’ve put up with a lot. When I had my first baby I suffered really bad with PND my hubby whole time spent his time talking to his work wife. It just wore me down. He mum and dad have caused a lot of trouble to the point I haven’t spoke to them in 2 years. He wasn’t helpful at all just let them be awful. He is a good man a fantastic father.

I have worked with this guy for 3 years we have got along from day 1. About 2 year ago he seemed different so I asked him if he was ok and he told me his gf has cheated on him. He was crushed. That evening we confided in our relationship problems and bonded.

After that we just got along more look after and out for each other. Even to the point my hubby was happy I got a work husband lol.
Then when either of us would be on hol he would text me and I started to get feelings for him.

After about 6 months and the first week of COVID we kissed and made love. Since then we have been having an affair.

Before this I’d already spoke to my husband about not seeing a future and problems etc.

Racked with guilt I came clean and told him. We decided to separate live as co parents rather than be a couple.

I’m so stuck. “Mark” my affair has planned to move in with me planned to be together tried ending it with his gf but she throws things back at him. Doesn’t see what she did wrong.

She found out about us 6 month ago. But he hasn’t stopped the affair. He told her he loves me was very honest.

He wants to be with me I genuinely Believe him. He’s a few years younger. No kids no ties.

I’m married with two kids. ( I’m awful I know)

Now he can’t leave his gf saying every tome he ends it she throws back every thing she has done for him.

He has been honest said he can’t see a way out. But he wants me.

We have argued so much lately because it’s so painful. I keep trying to end it not because I want to but because it’s awful. But I love him so much the chemistry connection every thing.

I’m struggling so bad I suffer with ocd and anxiety I’ve had to pay for private councilling to get me through this.

Will this guilt ever pass and he have the courage to leave her or is he playing me for a fool.

I know what I’m doing is rubbish. When I first went in to this I thought do u know what I’m doing something for my self. Sick of being walked all over. Now I’m madly in love and in an even worse situation.

Any body offer advice any thing ? Similar experiences

I’ve also been kind on “mark” he told me they were pretty much over and hated her. Now he’s overwhelmed with guilt I have no experience I met my husband at 16 never had any other relationship and then I have went other way and completely messed up

I don't think either of these men are good for you or can make you happy. It sounds like your husband has been at minimum having emotional affairs for quite a few years, and this other guy is all mouth and no trousers and clearly has no intention of leaving his partner (about whom you only have his word for what a bad person she is, by the sounds of it). It won't feel like it now but you would be better off without the both of them.

He's got no kids and no ties to her. If he wanted to leave her for you it would be easy. He doesn't want to.

Also, I'm confused that he's going to leave her and immediately move in with you and your 2 DC?? Have they even met him as your partner? Reading this whole post that's the most worrying bit to me. Surely it should at the very least be gradual rather than him moving in straight away?

Sorry you're in this situation but honestly if Mark really wanted to, he would be with you. He's stringing you along. Cut ties with him and work on settling your kids into their new normal and don't date for a while until you can see clearly.

In the nicest possible way you should end things with "Mark".

He is pissing you about in the same way your husband did, emotionally carrying on with other women.

Relationships shouldn't be this dramatic and agonizing.

I think you need time on your own to find out who you are and what you want. You seem emotionally stuck as the 16 year old who met your husband.

He is playing you for a fool, he doesn't hate her, far from it, he doesn't have kids so no real reason to stay with her, he wants to simple as that, he's getting both of you.
Realise that nothing good can come from affairs, the kind of people that do this have no morals, they don't care about anyone but themselves. Have a clean break to reflect on your part and choose a better quality of a partner next time, don't get involved with the players and don't be one!

Thanks every one your all saying what I know.

No no I wouldn't move in with him it would be a long process that I've planned out on my head but feel even more pathetic for typing it. I wouldn't do that to my kids it would be completely slow.

I'm so scared of being in my own. Ive completely lost my self in this. I keep telling my self "mark" is in same situation as me scared it's all he's known like me.

But I know he has no ties I don't think he will ever do it. And the pain I have to work with him

He hasn’t got any children with her or any real reason to stay. He’s having his cake and eating it. He’s not going to tell you he’s just in it for the intimacy is he. He’s probably got a good relationship with her, and he doesn’t want to leave her, he’s just a player. All men who have affairs the OW know about tell the OW their Mrs is horrendous, to project and feel guilt free for the horrendous thing they’re doing!

Hmmm OP I think "Mark" has seen you coming... He's obviously seen you as a diversion to make the days at work pass quickly, and all this "bonding" has got him a plaything to cover for the mundane situation with his partner,Covid, boredom, etc. Have your kids even met him?

I think he's played you like a fiddle tbh, he's got no ties or responsibility with his partner ( that you know of) I can't see him giving that up to move in with you and your two kids.
If things were so bad with her, he'd walk away, (they're not (despite the crap he's fed you) he's done the "I'm so hard done too" you've fallen for it.
The best thing you can do for yourself, and your kids, is to forget all about men!
Have some time on your own, look at as a fresh start. Learn to stand on your own two feet, focus on the relationship with your children. Further down the line, with some independence under your belt, and a clear focus forward things should feel so much better. All the best x

The more I read these I'm just a dumb naive Idiot.

I don't know what's worse the pain of this whole situation or the pain of not being with him.

Nope, he’s not going to leave her. This is just the script to keep you hanging on. Been there and done it. Please please move on, it will fuck your head up.

He blatantly doesn't want to end it with her. It would be simple for him to do that. He doesn't want you enough. He's not the man for you.

I agree with PP. You need some time to be single and get over both these men. You never know, you might actually prefer it. Being a single mum can be hard but life without relationship dramas can also be easier.

I think the fact that you're scared of being on your own is a big issue. Maybe you need to stand on your own two feet and be you first, rather than jumping from one relationship to another. Be yourself and don't go running after someone who can't move on from his current relationship.

Do you think there is just no chance he's scared and give him so more time . Or am I just a muppet.

No, what would he have to be scared of? He has no ties to her. You need to let him go. It will be horrible in the short term but you will get over him. If he really wanted to be with you he would. He’s having his cake and eating it.

Said with kindness, you're a muppet.

What are these things he’s saying she’s saying she does for him that means he won’t leave her?

It sounds highly improbable but does he owe her money or something?

I take the muppet with kindness.

He just says she does every thing for him. They have been together 13 year and she's held off having a baby for his career bla bla. He slated her at first to the point I use to say stop there is no need for it.

I tried to end it with him today and he just talks me around. He tells me he loves me and I crumble.

I know writing this I need to end it and be strong.

It's wore me down.
I have a counselling session tomorrow I hope she calls me a muppet too.

I'm at rock bottom I have never been so low.

I definitely think Mark is lying about most of what he's said... Why would he stay with her because he feels he owes her :S if he felt he owed her then he wouldn't be cheating on her right now.... And why would she stay with him but let him stay with you?

Also he doesn't even sound like a nice person :S

If Mark wanted to be with you he would be.

You might be a bit of a muppet, but you’ve had a crap few years in your marriage by the sound of it, so no wonder you wanted distraction. I think it’s just as well he isn’t working out - I know it might be awful right now, but I suspect you’d be out of the frying pan into the fire.

Can you focus on giving yourself a breather from crappy men and figure out what you want? (Stop saying you’re awful BTW, you aren’t). If I were you I would figure out first how you and husband can separate probably and co-parent - actually living in the same house seems very hard. What might the options be?

He is the complete opposite to my husband. My husband is a very handy fix any thing kind of guy saves loads of money doing jobs in the house him self very independent.

Mark is different he reply's on every one for every thing. Which makes him sound like a bad person but he is almost vulnerable. He's the opposite to what would attract me, it's just the bond connection every thing. I don't know I fought it over and over and chemistry kept drawing me in.

Forget him. Forget your ex. Focus on building a lovely life with your lovely children.

Honestly it is not meant to be this difficult.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Yes, it wasn’t a great start however you can’t help falling for people and especially when it’s an affair feelings are heightened and you’re blinkered. You dream of being together etc etc but you’re only seeing the best of him. If he wanted to walk away he would. He’s already having an affair so there should be guilt there already. Walking away from her wouldn’t add to what’s already there. Don’t give him an ultimatum because it will always be “I will” “it’s not the right time yet” etc. Walk away with your head high and block him x

He's convinced her he's ended it with me. I think she is with him because she is as low as me.

I know deep down he's lying to me he tells me there not having sex I don't believe it.

This thread has really helped listening to you all and my replying is making me aware I truly am just a bloody muppet.

Before I started this with mark. I dreamed of breaking up with my hubby and getting my own little place for me and kids. I'm that worn out with it all I've just got my self stuck