I’ve messed up and I’m lost

[Sweetpea82]

Please don’t judge me, I just need people to help me! Long story. I’ve been married 19 years I’m 35 been with my hubby since 16. I love him dearly but we have grown apart just different people.
We have to lovely kids.

My hubby has always been one of those guys who has to be texting a women. In fact I’m not sure of a time when he hasn’t. I’ve put up with a lot. When I had my first baby I suffered really bad with PND my hubby whole time spent his time talking to his work wife. It just wore me down. He mum and dad have caused a lot of trouble to the point I haven’t spoke to them in 2 years. He wasn’t helpful at all just let them be awful. He is a good man a fantastic father.

I have worked with this guy for 3 years we have got along from day 1. About 2 year ago he seemed different so I asked him if he was ok and he told me his gf has cheated on him. He was crushed. That evening we confided in our relationship problems and bonded.

After that we just got along more look after and out for each other. Even to the point my hubby was happy I got a work husband lol.
Then when either of us would be on hol he would text me and I started to get feelings for him.

After about 6 months and the first week of COVID we kissed and made love. Since then we have been having an affair.

Before this I’d already spoke to my husband about not seeing a future and problems etc.

Racked with guilt I came clean and told him. We decided to separate live as co parents rather than be a couple.

I’m so stuck. “Mark” my affair has planned to move in with me planned to be together tried ending it with his gf but she throws things back at him. Doesn’t see what she did wrong.

She found out about us 6 month ago. But he hasn’t stopped the affair. He told her he loves me was very honest.

He wants to be with me I genuinely Believe him. He’s a few years younger. No kids no ties.

I’m married with two kids. ( I’m awful I know)

Now he can’t leave his gf saying every tome he ends it she throws back every thing she has done for him.

He has been honest said he can’t see a way out. But he wants me.

We have argued so much lately because it’s so painful. I keep trying to end it not because I want to but because it’s awful. But I love him so much the chemistry connection every thing.

I’m struggling so bad I suffer with ocd and anxiety I’ve had to pay for private councilling to get me through this.

Will this guilt ever pass and he have the courage to leave her or is he playing me for a fool.

I know what I’m doing is rubbish. When I first went in to this I thought do u know what I’m doing something for my self. Sick of being walked all over. Now I’m madly in love and in an even worse situation.

Any body offer advice any thing ? Similar experiences

He’s a liar and a cheater, I know you love him but could you ever trust him?

It's common to go for the exact opposite from what you're used to. It doesn't mean he's the one for you. He sounds like a total dick to be honest. He's messed his gf around, not making a commitment to having children and cheating on her, and he's clearly a user of everyone, not just you.

You'll look back and wonder what on earth you saw in him.

You deserve better.

'Mark' sounds like a shithead in all honesty. Tell him to do one and be you for a bit.

Are you absolutely sure he's told her OP? To me it's reading like he hasn't, and the issue is that he can't bring himself too rather than him not caring about you.

Yeah she knows she found out contacted me hurled a load of abuse. (Rightly so) I just took it. Lied for him and said nothing was going on. He told me the other day she said she wants to work it out with him. So I kicked off and ended it but he just talked me around saying he's trapped and stuck.

Oh what a mess I know I need to get out of this.

I think he wants to stay friends so work is good. But I will have to leave my job I can't work with some one knowing I love them and they have used me.

You are all a bunch of cheaters.
It will work out with none of them long term. None of them know how to be faithful.
No kids-he could leave her. He hasn’t. He doesn’t want you. He wants her, AND you on the side.
Wake up.

@Sweetpea82

Do you think there is just no chance he's scared and give him so more time . Or am I just a muppet.

No he’s not scared. They is nothing especially scary about splitting up from somebody you are not married to and don’t have children with. Of course it is not pleasant, but if you want out you will do it.

I am afraid that I also do not think he wants to be with you, your marriage sounds like it is over too. Maybe you need to focus on that (as in the separation) and spend a little bit of time by yourself.

Makes you wonder what he must be telling her.

She found out about the affair but decided to stay with him. That part I accept but I bet that since then he's been telling her he loves her, she's the one he wants to be with etc. Saying things like you've left your husband to be with him (given he's so special of course 🙄) but she's so so lucky and should be so grateful to still have him in her life!!

You also say she's put off having a baby for 13 years for his career (can't imagine what he actually does that would prevent him & his partner from having a baby), and because of this he doesn't want to leave?! So is he planning to string her along and waste more of her fertile years which I assume are ticking by, or is he actually planning to have a baby with her? 🤯

Sounds like he's stringing both of you along tbh

I know, he is very selfish he's told me he tells her he wants her but he tells me the same thing.

I know I need to end this, it's very toxic. I've only told u half the story. He's quite controlling doesn't like me speaking to guys at work gets jealous. But is going home and more than likely sleeping with her.

When she messaged me she blamed me for every thing I took it all coz I deserved it but she stuck up for him. I genuinely believed they were over pretty much when we got together

Also, if he does leave his DP for you do you really think it'll be happy families long term? He couldn't have a baby with his partner of 14 years as his career was too important. But he'll be happy to shack up with you and take on 2 kids that aren't his.

And if course, it'll be happily ever after, he'll love living with you and his 2 new step kids (that he doesn't even know yet, at least not properly) and he'll never ever cheat again.....

@kiddo5467

Also, if he does leave his DP for you do you really think it'll be happy families long term? He couldn't have a baby with his partner of 14 years as his career was too important. But he'll be happy to shack up with you and take on 2 kids that aren't his.

And if course, it'll be happily ever after, he'll love living with you and his 2 new step kids (that he doesn't even know yet, at least not properly) and he'll never ever cheat again.....

Your completely right 😞

I don't mean to sound so harsh. Despite the affair, I actually have sympathy for you but mainly as I fell you've been strung along.

Leaving your marriage was one positive to come of it but I honestly think you'd be better off alone. Even if he turned found tomorrow and said he'd leave his partner, if sounds like a recipe fid heartbreak in the longer term.

Might be hard now but at least you're not living together and your kids arent caught up in the mess yet so better to get out now for their sakes

You're not the first person to be in this situation and you'll not be the last so be kind to yourself. I think sometimes (especially when you've settled down young) you get caught up in the role of wife and mother so when someone sees you as a real person it's flattering and we end up in situations that we could have never have imagined.

Just because he's not leaving her it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, and it doesn't mean that he used you either, but it does mean that he's not the person you thought he was - you've only seen the charming side of his personality because that's what affairs are.

I'd pull away, gradually if you need to, and get planning for that life with you and your kids. The more you fill your head with plans for the future the less space there will be for him. You're worth more than this, and you'll get yourself out of it, but time to take charge and stop letting him be in control.

I would never do this again. Before him I'd only been with my husband in every way never even kissed another guy. I think part of it was 30s crisis and thought I was living instead I've made things much worse for my self.

For 15 month I've been racked with guilt it hasn't been amazing it's been utter pain. I know affairs are awful I never thought I would have one.

Thank you for all the advice and no bring too harsh I appreciate the advice

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth

You're not the first person to be in this situation and you'll not be the last so be kind to yourself. I think sometimes (especially when you've settled down young) you get caught up in the role of wife and mother so when someone sees you as a real person it's flattering and we end up in situations that we could have never have imagined.

Just because he's not leaving her it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, and it doesn't mean that he used you either, but it does mean that he's not the person you thought he was - you've only seen the charming side of his personality because that's what affairs are.

I'd pull away, gradually if you need to, and get planning for that life with you and your kids. The more you fill your head with plans for the future the less space there will be for him. You're worth more than this, and you'll get yourself out of it, but time to take charge and stop letting him be in control.

Thank you

The very best thing about Mark is that he's acted as a catalyst for you to end a relationship that stopped working.

Job done. Now leave it and move on. He's not for you.

You've made the big break from your marriage so try and concentrate on making that relationship as co-parents as good as it can be and stop thinking you have to have a man, any man. Concentrate on yourself and your children for now. Start over and sort your thoughts out through counselling before you open up to anyone else.

He told you that she had cheated on him .If that was true and they have no kids he would leave her but he would have to be in love with you -he clearly isn’t at least in the real sense of the word

Oh dear, you've been letting men walk all over you since 16 - why on earth did you marry so young? You said your ex is 'one of those men who has to talk to a woman' like it's a thing, it really isn't, most men in relationships don't.
I'll bet you are not the first affair 'Mark' has had, ask his GF, I think you will find he lied to you about her having an affair 2 years ago and feigned devastation exactly to get you on side.
But then you know he's saying he wants her, and the same to you, so that clears it all up, he wants both of you. Your choice has always been the same, share him or respect yourself enough not to.

Yea he's basically done "my wife doesn't understand me" on you

Op I married youngish too and I've now been single to all intents and purposes for almost 19 years and while I wouldn't say being a single mum is easy, it's easier than doing all the graft AND dealing with crap men!

Leave husband, be single - for a couple years at least - get to know yourself, get comfy in your own company and become truly independent and THEN if you meet someone who would genuinely add pleasure and no strife to you and your dcs lives then start dating again.

I've dated, I've had fun I've even had a couple relationships but it never reached point of moving in together so being single on paper needn't mean being alone either

There is a LOT to be said FOR single life I can assure you. Not enough is in the wider media and sm about the benefits of singledom but they are definitely there.

Move on, be happy.

Mark sounds horrible! He's strung her along wasting her fertile years for his career? (Bullshit!) and now he's cheating on her and slating her to you...

Yea what a prize...not!

Better off without him by a mile!

In fact I'd bet good money the reason he's not leaving her for you is cos you've got kids and he knows he's persuaded her not to get pregnant

he tells me there not having sex I don't believe it

My ex told ow this - utter bullshit!

she blamed me for every thing

I'm betting that's at least partly cos HE said it was all you, you pursued him etc

And a CONTROLLING man is the LAST thing you and more importantly dc need!

They have no kids/ not married etc. The reason he’s staying with her is because he wants to. He may tell you he wants you, but this is where actions speak louder than words.

If he's controlling and not even managed to keep up the charming facade when you've not been together full time then I think you've dodged a bullet. He doesn't sound like a nice man.

Think of it as an addiction. Some people go cold turkey, and some people cut down gradually until one day they feel empowered enough to think enough is enough, only you know what works for you.

I suppose your other option is to accept what it is and carry on knowing that he's not going to leave, but I think you know that that is going to mess with your head big style.

Be honest with yourself, is it that you love him, or do you love the idea of the romance and chemistry? Sometimes when you really take the time to unpick it things aren't what you first thought x

You've all empowered me ladies. I'm blocking him and going to try my best to be strong.

I'm not going to lie I think I will cave and it will be Gradual but your help and advice has woke me up.

I already knew this I just needed to read it

Now he can’t leave his gf saying every tome he ends it she throws back every thing she has done for him.

He doesn't want to leave his girlfriend or he would.

He has been honest said he can’t see a way out. But he wants me.

He hasn't been honest.

He knows the way out - it's to leave her.

He doesn't want you. Not over her.

He wants to have an affair with you but be with her.

He's literally doing with you what your husband did to you. Having his cake and eating it too.

Lied for him and said nothing was going on.

He will have told her you're a psycho who fancies him and tried it on and he is such a good guy and would never do what she did so knocked you back blah blah blah

Think about how humiliating that is for you. He's done that to you.

Have you had unprotected sex?

If I were you op I wouldn't believe a word he says. You only have his word that she had an affair, going by her anger when she found out about you I would think it's probably unlikely.

I know this sounds harsh but I also think the very thing that you believe attracted him to you is the thing that keeps him with her. At home he has a wife that probably has not cheated in her marriage but you have, you have made yourself undesirable and too available without bounderies.

You are now actually in a worse position than when you were married, yes your husband was a flirt and probably a cheat but he tried to hide it, not with Mark from the get go you had to share him and be a dirty secret. How can that build your confidence ?

I would let his wife know he is a cheat, she deserves to know what a shit he is and if she wants children she would be better off losing husband Mark.

Forget the work atmosphere, he is to blame as much as you and don't have him back if she dumps him, you will only be second best.

Find someone who will treat you as number 1.