Help me understand what I'm experiencing

[Dailydingo]

Back story: Married 17 years, 2 DS 11 & 14. I want to separate from H. I've met a bloke, we are just friends though for the moment. I don't want this thread to be about meeting another bloke while I'm still married. The OM is single, grown up kids, very good job.

Before meeting OM I was content (to an extent) in my life and happy to bumble along, but knew I wanted to leave H. Leaving is complicated by lots of reasons but nevertheless I was content at staying for the time being. Its a case of it's not bad enough to leave but not good enough to stay.

Since meeting the OM I have become extremely restless with my life.

OM lives a great single life. Loads of mates - male and female. Going out when he wants as no ties. Having who he wants over at his house. Loads going on in his life. No one to answer to. I am scraping the barrel for mates in terms of number of friends - I love the friends I have but they are very very few. I can't go out when I want as don't have the friends to just say ''anyone want to meet up today'', it all has to be planned. Plus friends have kids too so cant just go out whenever they feel like it. Today I have spent the day in the garden in the sun alone. Kids wanted to play xbox. I was so bored. No where to go, nothing to do, no one to do it with (me and H live very separate lives, but in the same house, which is one of the reasons for me wanting to separate. I'm not interested in trying to make it work). I thought of OM at the pub watching the footie, with his mates, he will probably stay there till late tonight while I'm in my house cooking dinner, tidying up, sorting uniforms/washing and then bed. How boring. I used to be content doing this stuff and take fulfilment in having my house in order/tidy/organised/stocked kitchen of food. I don't feel that fulfilment any more.

I feel like I'm stuck in the house, tied to it just to sort the house and kids out. Yes I do go out with friends but I feel as if there is not enough going on generally in my life. If I separate (I'm gutless at the moment to do it and am worried about the effect on the kids and selling their family home and the huge leap I would be taking) then I will get more time to myself when H has the kids but I cant afford to buy a house on my own and I cannot stay in the house we have, it would need to be sold. So financially I would be screwed. I would need to use my equity from the sale of the house to put towards topping up the rent for a house each month as otherwise it would use most of my salary.

To sum all this up - I'm bored being at home. It's like I cant stay in for fear of missing out. I don't have enough going on in my life (despite the fact I work every day (from home) and have the house/life admin/kids to sort). However, I was ok with it all until I met OM and was then instantly envious of his carefree life with loads going on. I feel unfulfilled and meeting the OM has made me see that. I rely on H for his income/the house and life we have (our house and lifestyle are jointly on a par with OM's) and company (as in general company in the house, another adult just being around, although we do nothing together. The kids are on their phones/PCs/Xbox and at an age where they don't want to do anything with me).

I feel so very lost in life and have lost interest in everything I used to find contentment with, even if it was tidying/sorting/early night with a good film/book after a long soak in the bath. I'm extremely restless, unfullfilled and discontented with everything - am I having a mid life crisis ?

Blimey, that went on for longer than planned ! well done if you managed to reach the end !

Leave because your marriage because it doesn’t make you happy. Don’t bank on OM sticking around. This is going to sound somewhat harsh, but there’s every likelihood that OM isn’t going to be interested once he realises that being in a relationship with you means he’s also going to be tied down with supporting you financially and working your social lives around two kids.

You’re fed up, and if you live separate lives then it’s very unlikely that your husband is completely oblivious and thinks he has a wonderful marriage - he’s probably pretty unhappy, too.

I think it’s a leap to think OM is the answer

Get some hobbies, proper ones where you meet friends. Fill your life up and then see where it lands you

OM’s life sounds really quite shallow, exciting to you maybe as it’s the total opposite of the home ‘drudgery’, but I know a man in his mid 30’s, living the single life, sees his daughter EOW and is desperately unhappy. He’d much prefer a family to spend his time with. Grass is not always greener.

I mean this very kindly but this may be an early midlife crisis. Take up a super high adrenaline hobby. I wouldn’t recommend a motorbike, but if you must!

Sounds like a mid life crisis but that's not necessarily a bad thing - seeing this other life has given you a lot to think about and an opportunity to assess what isn't working for you in your own life.

Very normal to look at someone who seems to be living a young free and single life and long for some freedom of your own. But I think you know the reality won't match the fantasy.

What was stopping you leaving your DH before you met this new guy? You said you were thinking about it, what made you decide to stay and put up with things? Maybe seeing this new guy's lifestyle has given you the jolt you need to make the decision?

Dont bank on this other man but use him as the catalyst to see the life you want and go and make it happen.

This new man isn’t the answer. It sounds like you envy his independence more than anything. You feel trapped.

Your DH wouldn’t be allowed to force a sale if the house until your youngest D.C. turns 18, so you’d have 7 years in the family home if your split up.

You are just leading a normal married life. Thats what marriage is all about, the drudgery and routine. It gives your children a safe framework to grow and together with your husband you create a life together. It works for some and obviously not for others. If you left your husband I will guarantee that the OM will run for the hills, he is living his single life and will not want to be tied down to a woman who has 2 kids most of the time. If you aren't happy in your marriage you can try and talk to your husband to make it more fulfilling for you with days out with the family or more evenings with friends. This time I will advise you to stay, work on yourself and your marriage and forget the OM. He is not your answer. You are married, this is what married life is like with 2 young children.

It's not your husband's fault life is a drudge- it's due to having kids 😂

Sounds like you need more balance in your life. Get a hobby/ take a course/ go on a trip.

People tend to swap out partners because they are a movable object. Really though, your boredom will follow you - it's YOUR life. Add colour to it yourself. Don't expect someone else to do it for you!

OP , external factors won't make you happier. It will come from you. Try to make your life fuller rather than hoping that someone else can do it for you. You might be right that your marriage isn't going to last but you have DC and disrupting them without going as far as you can to avoid that is irresponsible. Stop fantasising about a single life with the OM for a start. Your life will be a whole lot harder if you separate. It doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't the right thing but please take the OM out of your mental picture. He is a mirage.

I thought of OM at the pub watching the footie, with his mates, he will probably stay there till late tonight while I'm in my house cooking dinner, tidying up, sorting uniforms/washing and then bed. How boring.

What jumped out at me reading this was a picture of you in your (new) house, alone, doing all the same things while OM is at the pub watching the footie with his mates till late.

Basically if you're unhappy in your marriage then make plans to either improve or leave it, but please assume OM won't be part of the picture. He may like his current life and be quite unwilling to swap it for a more domestic one, you might be less interested when the reality of a burping, fating human being with his own faults comes to light, etc. Don't leave on the assumption that you're a trapeze artist and that OM is going to catch you, because none of us know if he will.

If you want to leave your marriage, do it for you and work out what you want next.

Don't use this OM as an excuse or a crutch.

Chances are he won't want to spend his evenings in with you and your DC. What are you going to do, drag them to the pub?

There is nothing wrong with deciding that you're not happy and that you want to leave. But you need to do it on your own first.

I will get more time to myself when H has the kids but I cant afford to buy a house on my own and I cannot stay in the house we have, it would need to be sold. So financially I would be screwed.

Sorry but it really sounds as if you have not thought this through properly.

Imagine your life divorced from your husband with no OM.
Is that preferable to being married? When the family home is sold where will you live?

Because statistically OM Is not going to work out.

Also the bit about him watching the football while you sort school kit out screams you just want to run away from your life in general not just your husband.
It sounds like a mid life crisis

@TheWestWind, Hahaha! I came on to say 'buy a motorbike' and you beat me to it!
@Dailydingo, I second everyone else saying to get some good hobbies. When I was in your situation about 6 years ago, I joined a dog walking group, then bought a motorbike (yes really!) and I am now writing a book about my adventures on said motorbike.
My marriage is still bumbling along but generally I am content and enjoying life.

You have kids, they are a responsibility, you can’t have the free life your new man has.
If you leave your DH do it because your marriage isn’t working, and live a happy independent life. The grass isn’t always greener.
How old are you ? What you have written sounds a bit perimenopausal to me.

Sorry op but your posts come across as if you are more interested in the freedom and lifestyle the om has, rather then the man himself.

Also, your DC aren't that old at 11 and 14. They still need their uniform washing and meals cooked. Does your current dh do enough of that?

And if you lived with your om wouldn't all of that still have to be done?

I think this restlessness you are feeling is a consequence of Covid and lockdowns etc as much of the domestic burden has fallen disproportionately on women. As such, I wouldn't make any life changing decisions right now, but focus, as others have said, on improving the quality of your life where you are now, by studying, volunteering, joining a choir or a campaigning group etc. You could create more of a lifestyle like the one the om has, you don't need your dh's permission to do so!

Good luck!

[quote CoolHonda]@TheWestWind, Hahaha! I came on to say 'buy a motorbike' and you beat me to it!
@Dailydingo, I second everyone else saying to get some good hobbies. When I was in your situation about 6 years ago, I joined a dog walking group, then bought a motorbike (yes really!) and I am now writing a book about my adventures on said motorbike.
My marriage is still bumbling along but generally I am content and enjoying life.[/quote]

Awesome you had fun with it. All of life can be improved by trying to inject more fun and smiles into it.

Go off on a week holiday OP, and leave “DH” toiling at home doing everything. That’s what two parents are for, surely.

He has grown up kids. Yours are not yet. Of course your lives are different.

Also more tends to fall to the woman - bet it was his ex who was the resident parent and who did the majority with their kids when they split, until they were fully grown up.

You seem a bit unreasonable/illogical here.

In any case on the friends/activities front ... It's up to you to join new things, preferably things with a strong social side and try to build up more of a network of acquaintances.

Maybe you can leave h to supervise kids while you're out doing those things instead of it being you most of the time.

Also I wouldn't leave for him at any point, he sounds like he could be v tricky to have a relationship with, in fact you probably wouldn't get s relationship. You'd probably just be one of his rotation.

Unfortunately in my experience single men with plenty of female friends often tend to have shagged them or be shagging them. When it comes down to it they're often not truly platonic friendships.

very good job

Don’t let that sway you. I doubt he will want to spend his very good salary on housing your kids. Take him totally out of the picture and make your decisions.

I think this is a classic point at which to get restless. But I also sense some deeper problems. A huge amount of dissatisfaction with yourself and what you have or have not achieved. I am a bit mystified as to why you think sitting in a pub watching footie is exciting let alone interesting - but that's probably just me.

I would start with yourself. Perhaps consider a course of anti-depressants - because I think you are depressed. Then perhaps look into re-training or going back into education. Challenge yourself.

The marriage, the guy down the pub will sort themselves out when you really start to put yourself at the centre of your life.

You sound a bit selfish tbh - it reads like " I had kids and now I can't be arsed to look after them. I would rather be at the pub like this single man? " Don't you see how ridiculous that seems ? I could imagine you comparing yourself with a single girlfriend who has no kids maybe... YOU are responsible for the life you have so if you are not happy in your marriage then it is time to do something about it . How do you know what this guy is doing all the time ? Are you and he texting all the time ? Is he eating into your life at home and adding to the discontent ? Are you rewriting your life now to suit this OM ( as men are usually accused of doing ) ? You've looked at the financials - yes divorce certainly makes you poorer . It's a fact .

Hey op, why don't you try and rekindle things with your husband? Start a hobby or sport together, play games, cook together, go to the pub together. Be more proactive about meeting and making friends. Destroying everything because you want to spend an afternoon in the pub with some stranger and his friends is a bit extreme!

Next time, invite friends round to your house for drinks or a bbq. The midst can play their xbox and you and your husband can enjoy the day.

You should leave your husband. Firstly because the poor man is being lied to and cheated and and it's awful for him.

It sounds like you are unhappy with your general life rather than your husband. So the other option is to seek out new hobbies, make new friends. If you want to go out, ask if DH can babysit.

If you split up from your husband, you'll still have boring day to day responsibilities; children will need to be cared for and the housework done. You may get every other weekend free but other than that (unless you have family willing to help) you'll be even more tied to the house. At least when married you have your DH to fall back on for help.

Also, this OM sounds like someone who would not be interested if you leave DH. He likes a carefree, single life. Will you be happy sat in every day of the week with your children whilst he is out? Do you think he will give up a single, carefree life to stay in with someone else's children?
Do you even have feelings for each other? Have you discussed being together properly?

Ultimately if you do want to leave DH you need to remember that going forward you will need to co-parent and thus keep things as amicable as possible. Him finding out you're lying and cheating will not be a great start to that. Which is why you should focus on making a decision about your marriage before seeking out a third party.