Help me understand what I'm experiencing

[Dailydingo]

Back story: Married 17 years, 2 DS 11 & 14. I want to separate from H. I've met a bloke, we are just friends though for the moment. I don't want this thread to be about meeting another bloke while I'm still married. The OM is single, grown up kids, very good job.

Before meeting OM I was content (to an extent) in my life and happy to bumble along, but knew I wanted to leave H. Leaving is complicated by lots of reasons but nevertheless I was content at staying for the time being. Its a case of it's not bad enough to leave but not good enough to stay.

Since meeting the OM I have become extremely restless with my life.

OM lives a great single life. Loads of mates - male and female. Going out when he wants as no ties. Having who he wants over at his house. Loads going on in his life. No one to answer to. I am scraping the barrel for mates in terms of number of friends - I love the friends I have but they are very very few. I can't go out when I want as don't have the friends to just say ''anyone want to meet up today'', it all has to be planned. Plus friends have kids too so cant just go out whenever they feel like it. Today I have spent the day in the garden in the sun alone. Kids wanted to play xbox. I was so bored. No where to go, nothing to do, no one to do it with (me and H live very separate lives, but in the same house, which is one of the reasons for me wanting to separate. I'm not interested in trying to make it work). I thought of OM at the pub watching the footie, with his mates, he will probably stay there till late tonight while I'm in my house cooking dinner, tidying up, sorting uniforms/washing and then bed. How boring. I used to be content doing this stuff and take fulfilment in having my house in order/tidy/organised/stocked kitchen of food. I don't feel that fulfilment any more.

I feel like I'm stuck in the house, tied to it just to sort the house and kids out. Yes I do go out with friends but I feel as if there is not enough going on generally in my life. If I separate (I'm gutless at the moment to do it and am worried about the effect on the kids and selling their family home and the huge leap I would be taking) then I will get more time to myself when H has the kids but I cant afford to buy a house on my own and I cannot stay in the house we have, it would need to be sold. So financially I would be screwed. I would need to use my equity from the sale of the house to put towards topping up the rent for a house each month as otherwise it would use most of my salary.

To sum all this up - I'm bored being at home. It's like I cant stay in for fear of missing out. I don't have enough going on in my life (despite the fact I work every day (from home) and have the house/life admin/kids to sort). However, I was ok with it all until I met OM and was then instantly envious of his carefree life with loads going on. I feel unfulfilled and meeting the OM has made me see that. I rely on H for his income/the house and life we have (our house and lifestyle are jointly on a par with OM's) and company (as in general company in the house, another adult just being around, although we do nothing together. The kids are on their phones/PCs/Xbox and at an age where they don't want to do anything with me).

I feel so very lost in life and have lost interest in everything I used to find contentment with, even if it was tidying/sorting/early night with a good film/book after a long soak in the bath. I'm extremely restless, unfullfilled and discontented with everything - am I having a mid life crisis ?

Blimey, that went on for longer than planned ! well done if you managed to reach the end !

“A room of one’s own” is one of the fundamentals of self actualisation as not just a woman but as a complete human being. It is time and space to grow, learn, change, and to spread those mental wings... realising your own power and creativity.

One of the world’s best kept secrets. Let its opportunities unfold for you.

Honestly, you need to grow up. Stop looking to the men in your life to entertain you...maybe get a hobby. This all sounds incredibly selfish.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

OP, you haven't been back, so maybe you thought you'd get different answers! Unless there is a big ole drip feed, and your husband is an absolute arse, what you are describing is life with kids, as has been said before. Kids are not such hard work forever, they grow up, and can organise their own clean pants. Mine even grew up and went off to be a teacher, and I love to see her now, for a few days before her messy ways drive me to distraction.

If your marriage is in trouble apart from this, explore this, possibly in counselling. Or have your mid-life crisis. Mine was when I hit 40 and got very angsty because I'd never learned to play the saxophone. (Don't ask). I did actually get rid of my not very dear husband, but that was because he was an abusive arsehole. Then I learnt to play the drum. Very grounding that. I now play in a band, but not a trendy one. Lots of people I know, during their MLC (mid life crisis) learned to play the ukulele. I don't necessarily recommend that, but it's less extreme than giving up on an otherwise good marriage. Only you know the answer to this.

You might not want the thread to be about meeting another bloke while you are still married, but that's pretty much what it is. Maybe it's that sort of refusal to face reality that's the real problem here. So what exactly is the man you are having an affair with offering you as a way out of the doldrums? Your post reads more like wanting to have your cake and eat it to be honest. End your marriage rather than using your husband as a cosy safety net if you dislike him enough to start seeing other men. So you'll be worse off. You'll be even more worse off when your other man gets cold feet and doesn't want to be tied down with your kids. What you have here is the grass us greener the other side syndrome. Maybe work on why the grass stopped being so green your own side of the fence and deal with that before you start looking for other men. Sorry if this wasn't the encouragement you were looking for to continue having an affair behind your husband's back, while still keeping your cosy lifestyle at home x

OM is just a red herring.

You are envious of his lifestyle, not the man himself, so forget about him.

You need to think about how to inject some fun into your life !

It's not because you're married and have 2 DC that you are bored, it's because you no longer have anything fun or exciting to do/look forward to.

You say that your friends always need to have any social events planned well in advance ? OK, so start bloody planning !!

1. Arrange/plan a few days/ nights out with your friends.
2. Join some clubs/ social activities you'd enjoy (you'll make new friends there).
3. Join a class/club with your DH (maybe salsa dancing/ archery, whatever you'd like), so that you're together doing something fun and 'out of the ordinary'.
4. Take your kids on unusual days/trips out ! Surprise them ! (e.g A locked room game where you all have to work together to solve the clues/ Lazer tag where you're all a team/ A competition at Alton Towers where you all have to go on every ride, regardless of fears etc)

If you manage to do these things, I can promise you, you're life will no longer be humdrum/boring, and you'll have a much improved relationship with your whole family !

This is two separate issues:

1 - you want to leave DH
2 - you fancy OM and like the idea of his life

They need to be treated separately.

1 - tell DH you want to separate. Make arrangements.
2 - (once you are separated), start dating OM (if that’s also what he wants)

Don’t confuse the two things. It’s not ‘my life or his life’. His life wouldn’t look how it does now if you and your kids also featured in it.

To sum all this up - I'm bored being at home

Could you get a job? What did you do before you stayed at home with the kids/?

You say you rely on your husband for his income , the house , and the life you have .
There is no mention of love . Do you love him? Is the lack of feeling you have down to the fact that maybe you don’t do things together as a couple . Have you spoken to him about how very sad and fed up you feel . You say you don’t want to work on it , and to be honest living that separate lives thing is very hard . It doesn’t sound like he’s particularly motivated to try to change things either . It also doesn’t sound like either of you are totally fulfilled in your marriage .
If you want to move on , it will be hard financially, no doubt about it , but maybe you would be happier in the long run .
I absolutely agree with most pp. I would not factor in OM in your decision. He sounds like he’s having a great time , out and about with mates all the time , doing what he wants when he wants. That won’t change, he’s done the hard bit , his DC have grown up and he has all the freedom in the world.
You have youngish DC , who will not be ready to fly the nest any time soon . He’s not going to want to give up his lifestyle to stay home to help you care for your DC.
Yes parenting can be lonely and boring sometimes , but you are a Mother first and foremost, you may need to accept that for the time being, the fun packed out every night lifestyle will have to wait . It’s easy to look at others and wish we had what they had, but sometimes it’s not all it’s cracked up to be .
See if you can find some Fb groups or join some groups who do something you are interested in . I think if you find things you enjoy and make new friends , life may not seem so boring . Good luck

Sorry, but I think it’s time to leave. Your hubby deserves a wife who cares.

I think it's possible you are a bit depressed given you're no longer getting happiness from things that used to give you pleasure. I also think OM is just you latching on to something external which seems 'better.' This guy is loving the single bachelor life and it's not going to work out long term so stop thinking about him. As other people have said, you need to plan some fun in your life - meet friends/ book something/ do a course/ retrain. Maybe speak to your doctor about your low mood. These feelings are quite normal and tend to occur at some point for lots of people.

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm 45, OM is 58, if that puts his/my life into a bit more of a prospective in terms of the stages our lives are both at.

I'm not interested in rekindling things with H. I no longer fancy him, I don't want sex with him. I cant even bear for his dirty clothes to touch mine.

I'm desperately unhappy in my marriage. I dream of my own home and own front door and not having H's sh*t thrown about the house. I get annoyed when he stays in bed while I cajole the kids to get them up and out of the house for school every single day. I keep thinking that if he wasn't here to lay in bed then I wouldn't get cross. I have asked him to help so many times, yet he doesn't. He asks me what he needs to do in the morning, Err get the kids up and out the door and everything that's involved with that. I do the kids washing (and mine), I order their food on our weekly food shop order. I plan their meals. I sort any school stuff out and appts/medication for SEN son (eldest child). I have asked H to help until I am blue in the face from doing so. but he just says nothing. H is just like another child for me. He does cook for them a lot. He does a clothes wash for himself every 2 weeks, he only buys new clothes once a year for holiday/summer. We are not short of cash. He is still wearing clothes and shoes he had before he met me over 17 years ago. I've just had enough. Clothes are randomly thrown all over the house, several pairs of dirty socks on the living room floor at any given time, even found a pair in the keys pot the other day. I mean WTF. he sits gaming all the time, day in day out in front of his laptop (working from home while also having the games running too) plonked on the sofa, too exhausted to do anything apparently as he says the week-ends are for doing nothing. I want more than this. Whether the OM is that I don't know. He is certainly cleaner and takes pride to look after himself. H has even never trimmed/tidied his pubic hair. Its one big wiry bush.

I couldn't live in the house for another 7 years, separated, until the youngest is 18 and we then sell the house. H would make it total hell for me.

Me and H have lots going on in terms of plans/joint things with friends, But they are his (couple) friends. We could have BBQs, people over etc but I don't want to do any of that with H.

I guess the true crux of all this is that I have seen how OM lives, his clean tidy house, how he looks after himself, how he likes to look good and smell nice. I cant get into H's car without having to remove Mcds rubbish from the seat first. The car stinks, its grubby and dirty inside. I refuse to get in it most of the time (and have my own car anyways). This is not how I want to live my life. I don't want H to change, I'm beyond that.

I do think OM has certainly show me that not all men live/behave like my H. Some still have pride in their appearance and don't sit gaming on their phone day in, day out wearing clothes that look like rags and are years old.

A few of you have hit the nail right on the head - its OMs lifestyle that I am envious of. I've been to his house and its totally what I would want in terms of cleanliness, style and decor. I will never get that with H. He is a mess. he likes to live in a mess. I imagine my OWN bedroom, decorated how I want. It may be small but its MINE with no H's smells/dirty clothes/shoes and general shit thrown around it. He actually sh*t the bed once when he farted and followed through but had no idea and left it in the bed for me to find. Along with a wet patch from having a wank. Lovely.

Your DH sounds gross. Leave him for yourself, not any OM.

It does sound as Mustard said.
Be careful, you don't want to lose your head.
That single life just isn't available to you yet.

Omg - that is absolutely disgusting.
Get rid.
But I don’t think you can trust him to mind the kids properly if he’s that gross.....so you may be better off just you and the kids. Leave him to his gaming.

Whether the OM is that I don't know. He is certainly cleaner and takes pride to look after himself. H has even never trimmed/tidied his pubic hair. Its one big wiry bush

How do you know the OM doesn't have a big wiry bush ?

@MrsMaizel - he has told me he has his back waxed and that he thinks men should be equally as clean and look after down there, as women do.

H doesn't clean his teeth before bed, he doesn't believe in doing it at night

My thoughts on this are even if you leave DH and get together with OM, you still won't be able to indulge in a carefree life because you have DC.
I think the fantasy is better than the reality. You'll probably end up bored.

I think you need to leave DH but with a very open mind and see what you really want when alone. Being a single parent-even part time is still intense and has a lot of drudgery especially when running a home alone and doing all housework diy and gardening and working etc. But you should get some free time that is truly free-if he has the children to visit or part of the time. To explore what you really want and who you want to be.

I think that the OM is a red herring. You life wont be like his. Your home wont be like his. As you have DC and responsibilities. But it would be different and you would have
Some freedom and choices. You will need
To work hard to build the new life and friendships and social life after the trauma and recovery of separation for you and the DC and that takes a long time. You also wont have his financial freedom. So i'd let
Go of that fantasy sharpish as it will only lead to disappointment when you get there.

At first you are lonely and skint and sad and lost and overwhelmed. But free! And you build slowly slowly up from there.

If its meant to be he will still be around in the future.

I've been married a similar length of time with similar aged kids. After your first post I was thinking, so you have a Sunday where the kids are amusing themselves on the Xbox - in fact there is nothing stopping you going down the pub with friends if that's what you want to do. You can do that now. In fact perhaps even easier because there is a second parent around.

I'm finding that seeing friends and doing my hobby with friends is much easier now than it was when the kids were small. In most cases these are things I do without DH (not all). My ability to do these would not be improved by becoming single (I see the challenges of my single-parent friends.)

But, your second/ later posts show your specific dislike of and mismatch with your DH. That's what to focus on - whether these can be resolved or whether your relationship is dead, and then what to do. OM is a complete red herring here.

[quote Dailydingo]@MrsMaizel - he has told me he has his back waxed and that he thinks men should be equally as clean and look after down there, as women do.

H doesn't clean his teeth before bed, he doesn't believe in doing it at night[/quote]
You have had interesting discussions 🤔

@Dailydingo
"I'm not interested in rekindling things with H. I no longer fancy him, I don't want sex with him. I cant even bear for his dirty clothes to touch mine."
and
"I get annoyed when he stays in bed while I cajole the kids to get them up and out of the house for school every single day. I keep thinking that if he wasn't here to lay in bed then I wouldn't get cross. I have asked him to help so many times, yet he doesn't. He asks me what he needs to do in the morning, Err get the kids up and out the door and everything that's involved with that. I do the kids washing (and mine), I order their food on our weekly food shop order. I plan their meals. I sort any school stuff out"

^This is such a common theme on MN. When will men understand that no woman in a LT relationship will want to have sex with someone that they have to act like a parent to!

I think you have to be true to your feelings about your OH and leave if necessary (and by extension, give him back some of the mental load of caring for children/a household). I think this is more about wanting your freedom/OM lifestyle rather than this OM himself, and I don't believe that it would work out if you got together with him anyway. I think you need to be realistic about the situation, and accept that at the moment, you probably can't adopt the OM lifestyle 100%.

@Howshouldibehave

very good job

Don’t let that sway you. I doubt he will want to spend his very good salary on housing your kids. Take him totally out of the picture and make your decisions.

^ this Make the decision, but do so bearing in mind you may be single at the end of it. OM probably always went to the pub, leaving his wife to look after his children, hence why he’s single! Has you on the side, no commitment- he’s on to a good thing.

You need to leave your husband as soon as humanly possible. You being so miserable is definitely not good for your kids.