Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I shouldn’t text this should I??

30 replies

Skirtsoutorj · 12/06/2021 19:06

My partner of a few months (not sure if partner is best description but we are exclusive) has been wanting time to himself to get work done. We are in our 30s, this is just extra stuff he needs to do for a promotion.

Last weekend he asked if we could meet sat eve, I would stay over then leave him to work Sunday (met a friend) and come back in the eve on Sunday for dinner and stay. It was fine, obviously didn’t see much of him but dinner out Saturday eve was nice and it was nice having a quiet eve on Sunday, though he spent the majority of it faffing around with house admin like washing etc...I would rather have spent time with him properly like watching by a film etc but I wasn’t too bothered by it and it was nice to be around each other.

It gets to the middle of last week and he’s funny about how much free time he will have at the weekend. I suggest doing the same as last weekend ie have the days to ourselves. He is hesitant, says he didn’t get as much done last weekend as he wanted to as he was just excited for me to come back on Sunday and it was rubbish saying bye for the day Sunday morning.

I said fine let’s just meet Sunday eve then and I will stay until Tuesday - work from his on Monday. He doesn’t work remotely so won’t be in the house. He’s fine with that idea.

Anyway... sorry the background was so long! I’ve had a full day today with friends and meeting a friend tomorrow before I head over to DP’s - not sure what time as we haven’t confirmed.

But I’m just sitting here now wondering why on a sunny Saturday night I’m not with my partner. He’s been on WhatsApp too so not exactly switched phones off and head down to work and realistically he’s not going to have been working from 8am to 10pm is he. I reckon when we see each other he will casually mention he got take out or watched a film. I find it upsetting.

He’s on the spectrum so doesn’t always understand if I am hurt by something. I want to text him and say I’m disappointed we didn’t meet tonight and have a proper functioning relationship. Is that unfair? Would that be a stupid text to send? I want to be supportive of him and yes I could have made other plans this evening but it was only decided on Wednesday that we wouldn’t meet... most people my age are with their other half’s on Saturday night so not many people to catch up with.

I’m just fed up. Haven’t even heard from him today. In all other ways he’s into the relationship but this makes me feel he doesn’t give a shit

OP posts:
spotcheck · 12/06/2021 19:10

But this is just one weekend?
If it happened all the time, I can see you being cross, but surely if it is just for a short while, you'll be ok?

MoiraNotRuby · 12/06/2021 19:10

You've been together what - 12 weeks? I would not send the text.

Hughbert · 12/06/2021 19:11

If it's not working for you, finish it. Although for me, partner of a few months reads as new bloke and he has told you he is v busy. A new person hanging around when I've got a lot on my plate would do my head in. And I wouldnt want a relatively unknown person in my house while I was in work. It reads like you want 100% right now and he is seeing how things go.

spotcheck · 12/06/2021 19:12

I didn't answer the question...

No...put your finger back in its holster. You'll only cause damage

Original poster
Skirtsoutorj · 12/06/2021 19:14

It’s been a few months not weeks. It’s the first weekend we’ve not met up on a Saturday, yes. And to be fair it was me that said there’s no point doing Saturday as he seemed so busy.

I’m just having a moment feeling sorry for myself. I won’t text, thanks for replies!

OP posts:
Dervel · 12/06/2021 19:16

I wouldn’t text it, but you should tell him how you feel. However phrase it in terms of how you are feeling not in terms of things necessarily being his fault. Also don’t compare your relationship to what others appear to be on the surface. Every relationship is bespoke and it’s up to both individuals to find the balance that works for them.

If he’s on the spectrum it stands to rewind someone not neurotypical is unlikely to be able to pull off a typical relationship iyswim?

You absolutely should end up with a relationship you are happy with, but it will require solid communication and compromise on both sides.

WhoDidAndWhy · 12/06/2021 19:17

Don’t send that message. You agreed to the plan so complaining about it now is just annoying.

JohnSteinbeck · 12/06/2021 19:18

Also adding to encouragement to say don’t text! I sometimes feel like this, too - when my partner says he will be busy doing stuff & I can see he has been online. But I know from my own WhatsApp behaviour that it’s not personal - mine sometimes gets a message from one of his kids, or a work-related message, or he might just be mindlessly clicking & leaving it on. I do this all the time! It makes me look online when I’m not.

If you do need to text, just send sth supportive - how’s it going, or do you fancy doing x/y next weekend, or whatever.

But I’ve been there!

LubaLuca · 12/06/2021 19:21

You've spent every Saturday with him for - what?- the best part of a year. He told you he was going to be busy, and it would be unfair to try to make him feel guilty.

You should have arranged something with friends - they haven't been out with you on a Saturday for months...

Fightingfirewithfire · 12/06/2021 19:21

Did you post something recently along the same lines about your partner before? I'm convinced I read a thread about someone's partner doing loads of extra work for a promotion and when they could go to their house.

WatieKatie · 12/06/2021 19:24

You’d be better off having a conversation OP. Don’t send the text.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2021 19:26

You might need to consider that he's just not as into you as you want him to be, or he may be purposefully keeping you at somewhat of a distance to keep things more casual.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2021 19:27

To add, no relationship issue should be handled via text. That's what children do.

JohnSteinbeck · 12/06/2021 19:30

Something else - you are still getting in the swing of a routine, so give things a chance. It sounds like you really want to be in his space, but he’s not so aware - maybe because of ASD, maybe also cos he is busy with job - sounds like he takes this v seriously if he’s going for promotion. I have ASD and don’t always mark people in my personal space. I can go for data alone and sucked in a sort of lone vacuum. It does happen.

Give him the space to miss you!

JohnSteinbeck · 12/06/2021 19:31

*Days!

FairyDusting · 12/06/2021 19:32

@Fightingfirewithfire

Did you post something recently along the same lines about your partner before? I'm convinced I read a thread about someone's partner doing loads of extra work for a promotion and when they could go to their house.
Yeah I remember a similar thread also?
youOKhunn · 12/06/2021 19:36

Also, even if he's working he could still check his messages on WhatsApp etc. I know I do that whilst I'm working

Fightingfirewithfire · 12/06/2021 19:39

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4244610-feeling-distraught-have-i-ruined-my-relationship

This is the thread I'm referring to, if it was you OP there is some useful advice in there.

1forAll74 · 12/06/2021 19:52

Just leave him be, and don't send texts. It's early days in your relationship, and you have to have some patience with certain things at the moment.

Aprilx · 12/06/2021 19:52

As you mention it, no he is not your partner, you have been dating a fee months he is your boyfriend. You have seen him every Saturday but this one, at your suggestion, and now you are thinking of texting him to say you are disappointed. I don’t get it. Don’t do it.

AramintaArrowsmith · 12/06/2021 19:53

I've read this thread before recently

It's an awful lot of aggro for a few months in. I don't think the answers you get will be much different to the ones you got last time.

You want to be a priority to him and he clearly enjoys seeing you but also enjoys his own time too or just simply wants time on his own

TreeDice · 12/06/2021 19:57

You sound very intense.

My DP and I have been together 5 years and sometimes still have a Sat night apart - it's not healthy to be glued together, especially after just a few months ...

Somersetlady · 12/06/2021 19:59

I feel for him.

If you sent me a text that needy a few months in i would exit the relationship.

He might just like some time in his own company in his own home. How can you possibly have a problem with this?

EarringsandLipstick · 12/06/2021 20:01

@Fightingfirewithfire

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4244610-feeling-distraught-have-i-ruined-my-relationship

This is the thread I'm referring to, if it was you OP there is some useful advice in there.

Sounds almost identical to this one, doesn't it, even down to the 'he's on the spectrum line'.

OP was that your thread?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 12/06/2021 20:13

This is odd. I thought this sounded familiar but not the thread linked above.

Op, is your partner a consultant and has asked for every weekend to write a paper? The Saturday night/Sunday night thing seemed familiar.

Op if all the threads are yours, there is an issue here.