Online dating, ghosting

[morethanspice]

Nothing new I guess but I’m so confused by someone I met on a site. Great online chemistry, met for coffee within a few days. The date got extended to a lovely walk and seat in the sunshine and an agreement to meet again. Follow up messages confirmed the mutual attraction. Then suddenly he stopped messaging and hasn’t opened my last one, a reply to his previous one.
I’m not stupid, his social media reflects what he told me and he was not particularly confident. Just lovely company and not sleazy at all.
I’m just feeling if this is how it is what on earth is the point. Suppose at least this one made it to an actual date.....

But that's our choice to put lots of time and effort in. Personally I take 10 minutes tops to get ready for a coffee date. The thought of spending ages getting ready only to then spend hours at a restaurant with someone I likely won't fancy seems bizarre to me. Maybe it's a generational thing.

Back when I was online dating (a while ago), if I went on a few dates with a woman and wanted to keep seeing her then I would send messages to other women with whom I'd been in contact, explaining that I was taking myself off the market, rather than just disappearing with no notice. However, I got the feeling that I was unusual in that regard. Also, I'm not sure that all of them actually appreciated my honesty - I got a few angry responses (e.g. "Great, you picked someone else, not me...")

@Suprima thanks but that is quite a strange response considering we don't know one another. Just like how a man on a dating site doesn't know me and I don't know them.

I'm actually pretty average in most respects - similar to the majority of the population; average.

I just can't get my head around this sort of thinking. I'm sure some of the hundreds of men I decline offers to go on a date with are special, great men but I don't know that do I. The same way they know very little about me other than what I choose to broadcast on the app.

Are people really spending lots of time and money on getting ready for a coffee date?

And my ex was extravagant and always wanted to pay and he turned out to be really sexist who never lifted a finger at home because he believes that his only role was to pay the bills.

My boyfriend and I go halves financially and he has done more decorating, gardening, housechores and spent more time talking to me and doing things with me in the year weve been together than my ex did in the 10 years we were together.

He makes lots of effort in the ways that count. Him throwing lots of money for a few hours to impress me wouldn't take much effort and I wouldn't value it.

But we are all different with different values. And that's fine. I am quite bossy to be fair so I like to have a say. And I like to pay my share.

@StillLearningDad

Back when I was online dating (a while ago), if I went on a few dates with a woman and wanted to keep seeing her then I would send messages to other women with whom I'd been in contact, explaining that I was taking myself off the market, rather than just disappearing with no notice. However, I got the feeling that I was unusual in that regard. Also, I'm not sure that all of them actually appreciated my honesty - I got a few angry responses (e.g. "Great, you picked someone else, not me...")

I used to tell men if I didn't want to go on a second date. Most took it poorly so I just ghost now. It's nothing personal, just for one reason or another a second date wasn't desired.

Yes, that's totally understandable - some men are scary!

@coronaway

But that's our choice to put lots of time and effort in. Personally I take 10 minutes tops to get ready for a coffee date. The thought of spending ages getting ready only to then spend hours at a restaurant with someone I likely won't fancy seems bizarre to me. Maybe it's a generational thing.

No one is saying anything about ‘hours getting ready’. I’m not suggesting your first date should be at a 89 star Michelin restaurant with you in a bloody ball gown. And tbh, your 10 minutes to get ready is immediately more effort than he’s putting in. It’s about effort and intent- as I said earlier, I have gone on lots of non-dinner dates which still demonstrated the man’s effort and interest in me.

You see if you could fancy them through vetting and research- I’m not suggesting you go out to dinner/an exhibit/a play with someone completely blind of who they are and what their vibe is. Video calls allow you to hear someone’s voice, have a natter and get a feel for someone.

If you accept, or worse- invite men on, low effort dates (usually at locations which are very convenient for them) then it’s very hard to pull back. Why should they plan something nice for you if you have shown them that this is all it will take for you to show up?

It definitely does sound like a generational thing. I’m in my twenties and my views make my peers confused and somewhat angry, for some reason. However, I have never had to have the ‘what are we?’ conversation with a man or be frustrated from lack of effort. On the other hand, I have witnessed countless friends upset and headfucked over Hinge, Tinder and Bumble men who never actually did anything nice for them at all.

Inviting men into our lives can make us vulnerable, physically and emotionally- which is why I only entertained men who straight off the bat wanted to enhance my life and make me smile.

[quote coronaway]@Suprima thanks but that is quite a strange response considering we don't know one another. Just like how a man on a dating site doesn't know me and I don't know them.

I'm actually pretty average in most respects - similar to the majority of the population; average.

I just can't get my head around this sort of thinking. I'm sure some of the hundreds of men I decline offers to go on a date with are special, great men but I don't know that do I. The same way they know very little about me other than what I choose to broadcast on the app.[/quote]
You’ve taken it quite personally- the point is, it can be applied to be absolutely everyone. We should celebrate ourselves, have high standards and expect the best.

I don’t know what FDS is but it sounds shit. The OP wasn’t “taken” for a walk or “taken” for coffee she met for coffee. It was a mutual decision. It’s been a while since I did OLD but I did it long before Tinder was around. I truly wish I had met those guys for coffee before proposing a “proper” date but for some reason it wasn’t really done. I definitely sat through more than one tedious dinner with men that I didn’t want to see again. Sorry that this guy ghosted you OP - it’s a scourge and I would hate it. I think some men always feel there’s something better on the horizon.

Don't waste your time messaging him again Op.

But it’s not about men paying for everything and how much they earn. You are completely right that rich men can also be complete arseholes, as you know.

It’s about men demonstrating effort and interest- one way to do that is through organising nice activities for you to do.

Regarding how dressed people are getting for coffee dates- women’s fashion, a basic hairstyle and basic make up which I will gander 90% follow, some partially- will still be more effort than the guy you meet jumping in the shower and using shampoo to wash his whole body.

@Suprima

But it’s not about men paying for everything and how much they earn. You are completely right that rich men can also be complete arseholes, as you know.

It’s about men demonstrating effort and interest- one way to do that is through organising nice activities for you to do.

Regarding how dressed people are getting for coffee dates- women’s fashion, a basic hairstyle and basic make up which I will gander 90% follow, some partially- will still be more effort than the guy you meet jumping in the shower and using shampoo to wash his whole body.

Suprima - if your way works for you then that's fair enough. It does sound rather like you are telling other people that their way is wrong, which may be why some people don't react well to your views.

You're making some assumptions about "coffee date guys" there! I knew a guy who would take four bottles into the shower. I also remember once going on three first dates in four days - it would have been difficult to find the time and money to make all of them incredible occasions. Also, all three of those women decided that they weren't attracted to me, so it would have been quite a blow if I'd invested a lot in those dates without knowing if they would have any interest in me in real life.

Men can demonstrate effort and interest without inflicting a 3 hour dinner on you or spending tons of cash. I knew when a guys was interested in me if he checked out a TV programme I recommended or bought a book I was reading. I was talking about the Pre Raphaelites to one and because he didn’t know about them he went away and researched them. If you decide to meet they find a coffee shop that’s equidistant or offer to travel to your location rather than expecting you to travel to them all the time. They want to know your opinion. They want to know you got back ok. Lots of little things that demonstrate manners and courtesy at the very least ( even if the attraction is subsequently not there for either party)

@StillLearningDad this is kind of the point...perhaps you should be pickier about who you meet, and only meet people when you've already screened and established some compatibility and rapport? I don't want to go on a date with a man who is meeting a different woman every night. It feels like a meat market or revolving sushi belt.

[quote Rozziie]@StillLearningDad this is kind of the point...perhaps you should be pickier about who you meet, and only meet people when you've already screened and established some compatibility and rapport? I don't want to go on a date with a man who is meeting a different woman every night. It feels like a meat market or revolving sushi belt.[/quote]
@Rozziie that's a fair point, but I did think that I had established rapport with at least two of those women (maybe the third was arranged too hastily). I certainly wasn't treating it as a meat market. It's just so hard to tell online whether you'll click in person. Those first few minutes in real life can tell you more than hours of screening.

Not an over reaction on my part. He prolonged the date, he asked if I wanted to meet again, he messaged me afterwards saying what a lovely time we had and how he was looking forward to spending more time together. Then vanished. I think that’s rude.

Why is it so one way though? I don't get it. What would you think if it was a man saying these things "she needs to arrange a something special to specifically to show effort and impress me". Or are you thinking they should be doing this in exchange for us using nice shampoo and putting on make up? Women are OK to just show up because of that?

I'm thoroughly perplexed. Seems totally backwards and sexist.

I'd rather meet up for a walk with someone nice and interested in what I'm saying, to see if we've got that spark. I'd then expect it to escalate to dinners, etc, once we know we get on. Because we both decide we want to do that. No way am I agreeing to a three course meal with someone I've never met in real life before.

OP - yes it is rude but not uncommon I'm afraid. Online dating for you. Have a hug and better luck for the next one x

@Iris27

Why is it so one way though? I don't get it. What would you think if it was a man saying these things "she needs to arrange a something special to specifically to show effort and impress me". Or are you thinking they should be doing this in exchange for us using nice shampoo and putting on make up? Women are OK to just show up because of that?

I'm thoroughly perplexed. Seems totally backwards and sexist.

I'd rather meet up for a walk with someone nice and interested in what I'm saying, to see if we've got that spark. I'd then expect it to escalate to dinners, etc, once we know we get on. Because we both decide we want to do that. No way am I agreeing to a three course meal with someone I've never met in real life before.

But it’s not a man saying those things and it’s silly to even compare. The dating world is not equal. The world sadly isn’t bloody equal and trying to date like a bloke doesn’t smash any glass ceilings.

When I was OLD my inbox was full of dick pics, ‘wyd?’ or men who would demand to be impressed or dazzled ‘why should I choose you?’ vomits. When it’s such a cesspit it’s no wonder women accept dates with men with some interests who seem polite and not completely depraved- even if the offer isn’t great.

When women date there is a greater expectation due to female beauty standards to look more polished, a very real threat to our personal safety and our time is much more valuable. This could be due to other commitments, say if babysitters need to be arranged for DC, or on the flip side, more valuable because we don’t want to be messed around by noncommital men because we want DC…etc.

And then skip past dating, when women get married or enter a long term relationship- they undoubtedly end up doing more emotional labour, more housework, more child rearing. This is empirically documented and a complete fact. The world is not 50/50, so I’m not running around chasing men and offering to split the bill with them. Ignoring this is the real ‘backward and sexist’ issue. I don’t want a relationship like the one I described- hence only choosing to date men who were active, doers and had their shit together. I was vocal in my views and that was respected. Good quality men will want to court the woman they are attracted to, because the chase and impressing her is important.

I don’t know if you’ve read my other posts- I’m not suggesting you have a three course dinner with a stranger? If you find walking ‘dates’ pleasant, then that’s good for you. However, vetting can be done through the internet and a video call. I’m not leaving the house for a latte with a stranger- I’d rather meet a mate or take my dog.

@Suprima

Coffee isn’t a date. Coffee you do with friends. Walking is also cheap however lovely you think it was.

It’s not particularly cool and liberal, but with OLD you have to have more of a conservative mindset (small c).

Men do cheap coffee dates to maximise seeing as many women as possible. Some will even do walks to make it even cheaper (free).

Men who invite you to a nice dinner have more skin in the game and will have invested time and money in seeing you again. When you are established you can go dutch or offer to treat him, but in the the very early meets- he must take you to a nice activity or meal that he organised.

I’m sure I’ll get a barrage of posters telling me about how they met their DP/DH and how they split everything/went for a walk/had coffee in the park- but unfortunately the goal posts have changed now. A lot of men who are OLD are chancers, looking for sex under the guise of ‘seeing where things go’ as they take you for walks around the park like a golden retriever.

If you want men who want a relationship and are so excited about you from your profile, only see those who suggest actual date-y activities for you to do.

As a guy I disagree with this. It implies that if a guy is not throwing lots of money at a date, he's minimising his effort.

The bit about going on a coffee date because it's short and the guy will have more time to move on to other women, is rubbish.

I'm not trying to date like a bloke 🤣

And the guys I have met and chatted to and dated have all been decent and polite, I've had no dick pics or chancers at all. I'm sorry if your experience has been different, that's a real shame.

I don't want to be chased, I'm not a prize to be won and impressed. I'm just a human looking for another human who I click with. I'll find that out whether on a coffee date or in a fancy restaurant. I just don't want to make loads of effort if he turns out to be not what I'm looking for.

And on the flip side, if we do click on a walk, and he fancies me without me having to spend hours getting ready and I'm just in my trainers and jeans, well to me that's a good start 😊

So I don't think my views are "silly". You seem to think you've got everybody and the world figured out and you're only in your 20s?! Let's hope it doesn't come back and bite you on the arse!

@morethanspice

Not an over reaction on my part. He prolonged the date, he asked if I wanted to meet again, he messaged me afterwards saying what a lovely time we had and how he was looking forward to spending more time together. Then vanished. I think that’s rude.

I totally agree that this seems rude. I think that he should have given you an explanation, even if brief. Often people don't seem to bother doing this, but it would be much nicer if they did. (If I were in your shoes I would be tempted to send another message, because my curiosity would outweigh anything else, but I can understand if most people wouldn't choose to try again like that.)

@Suprima

Coffee isn’t a date. Coffee you do with friends. Walking is also cheap however lovely you think it was.

It’s not particularly cool and liberal, but with OLD you have to have more of a conservative mindset (small c).

Men do cheap coffee dates to maximise seeing as many women as possible. Some will even do walks to make it even cheaper (free).

Men who invite you to a nice dinner have more skin in the game and will have invested time and money in seeing you again. When you are established you can go dutch or offer to treat him, but in the the very early meets- he must take you to a nice activity or meal that he organised.

I’m sure I’ll get a barrage of posters telling me about how they met their DP/DH and how they split everything/went for a walk/had coffee in the park- but unfortunately the goal posts have changed now. A lot of men who are OLD are chancers, looking for sex under the guise of ‘seeing where things go’ as they take you for walks around the park like a golden retriever.

If you want men who want a relationship and are so excited about you from your profile, only see those who suggest actual date-y activities for you to do.

What a load of absolute crap, coffee dates are perfect from both sides to see if you actually want to invest any further time / effort / emotion in someone you have met online, and not in real life, (and you can do in the cold light of day, not some dimly lit restaurant ) it’s only from then onwards that either side decide to move forward or not. You make it sound like dates need to be “won”, somehow, what an incredibly old fashioned attitude, and that’s coming from someone really old

Agree with @JustAnotherOldMan . We are not a price to be won. An initial date is to see whether you like each other and I wouldn't want to either of us invest anything other than an effort to make conversation and get to know each other.

I did 3 years of OLD and was very picky and therefore the guys i ended up meeting I got on well with and had a nice time even if it didn't lead anywhere. I didn't get dick pics either. I think I met about 9 guys in total and had 2 short relationships and my current boyfriend of a year from those. Stayed friends with 2 of the ones I met.

I got to know them as people before even thinking if I found them attractive. And there were no lavish first dates - just a few drinks or a walk with the dogs type dates. I think I probably wore jeans and my normal 2 minute make up.

*prize