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Original poster

Online dating, ghosting

80 replies

morethanspice · 09/06/2021 10:16

Nothing new I guess but I’m so confused by someone I met on a site. Great online chemistry, met for coffee within a few days. The date got extended to a lovely walk and seat in the sunshine and an agreement to meet again. Follow up messages confirmed the mutual attraction. Then suddenly he stopped messaging and hasn’t opened my last one, a reply to his previous one.
I’m not stupid, his social media reflects what he told me and he was not particularly confident. Just lovely company and not sleazy at all.
I’m just feeling if this is how it is what on earth is the point. Suppose at least this one made it to an actual date.....

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 10/06/2021 06:35

But @Suprima, why would I feel “humiliated” because I had sent a further message to a man who had taken me for a walk? Or give the slightest fuck if this made him reach the bizarre conclusion that I was “desperate”?

Truly despise all this shit that we are supposed to sit there passively like good girls waiting for the big brave men to come to us, and that if we display any flicker of proactive interest, we are troubling the men with our “desperation”, and ought to feel “humiliated”.

If any man reached the conclusion that it was “humiliating” for me to have texted him twice, I’d be delighted I’d done it, as I would have spared myself the horror of a relationship with an utter misogynistic cock-wit…..

Lovelydiscusfish · 10/06/2021 06:38

There is actually quite a lot of staggering misogyny on this thread. I find it really quite disturbing and upsetting……

Suprima · 10/06/2021 08:14

[quote coronaway]@Suprima it sounds like you want us to return to the 50s.

As a PP said, the coffee date is for screening. No one wants to waste a whole evening on someone you may not have any chemistry with (or worse).[/quote]
What makes you say that? Because I would like to be taken out to dinner? For a man to demonstrate interest by planning a nice date? Because when I was single, I only ever saw men who would demonstrate the ability to do that. I have plenty of friends and coworkers who I would grab a drink or a coffee with- why would I do that with a stranger from the internet?

Or maybe it was because I suggested that you shouldn’t asking men out? I stand by that 100 percent. It very rarely ends well. Men say they ‘love it!’ but the majority of time it looks incredibly desperate, those attracted by it the absolutely hapless types who will need your help buying their mum and sister’s Christmas presents.

The real misogyny (that another poster mentioned) that everyone needs to be concerned about out there is the tirade of men on OLD who use these apps as free prostitution or an excessive ego groom. It’s absolute epidemic.

MarshmallowSwede · 10/06/2021 08:43

I agree! It’s weird that women saying this will get slammed, but when dating women need to stick to more traditional ways of dating just so that they don’t get sucked into these sorts of dates.

Sakurami · 10/06/2021 08:59

Well I completely disagree. I think that dating is to get to know someone and then mutually decide if you like them enough to see each other more. It isn't about catching someone or being the prize.

And I don't think that men should be the ones that arrange and pay for everything. I want a man who is my equal and treats me and respects me like an equal. I don't need a man making decisions and paying for me.

You be you op. And don't worry it some of the men you meet aren't interested in taking it further. Sometimes it'll be you, sometimes them and often it'll be mutual. Be patient, enjoy the process and hopefully you will meet someone perfect for you soon.

Opentooffers · 10/06/2021 09:25

Coffee is totally the best way IMHO. Ideal for a quick assessment, it's not meant to be a date, it's a prelude to a future date if it goes well.
I suspect when he was going out, it was on another date, it might have been his 2nd or 3rd meeting and he's decided to commit to them, unfortunately for them, whoever he's seeing has a man who ghosts people, so is basically rude an disrespectful at times, so you've maybe had a lucky escape early on.
I find it a bit odd how quickly people open up their social media to others. How does OP know that he's shy by his SM? Some might think I'm shy if they looked me up as they wouldn't see much because of security settings. Or do people make each other FB friends, share their tweets and LinkedIn profiles on or before a first meet? I think that's a bit full on and wouldn't even consider it until weeks or months have passed.

ToastedFrog · 10/06/2021 09:28

Nice bit of victim blaming here.

LoopTheLoops · 10/06/2021 09:45

Victim blaming Hmm

coronaway · 10/06/2021 09:45

@Lovelydiscusfish

There is actually quite a lot of staggering misogyny on this thread. I find it really quite disturbing and upsetting……
Unfortunately a lot of women are misogynistic (often without realising) which is partly why it's so hard to turn the tide.

We're not a prize to be won over. I'm looking for an equal.

Suprima · 10/06/2021 09:52

@Sakurami

Well I completely disagree. I think that dating is to get to know someone and then mutually decide if you like them enough to see each other more. It isn't about catching someone or being the prize.

And I don't think that men should be the ones that arrange and pay for everything. I want a man who is my equal and treats me and respects me like an equal. I don't need a man making decisions and paying for me.

You be you op. And don't worry it some of the men you meet aren't interested in taking it further. Sometimes it'll be you, sometimes them and often it'll be mutual. Be patient, enjoy the process and hopefully you will meet someone perfect for you soon.

Men who don’t want to take a woman on a nice date aren’t looking for an equal- they’re looking for someone with low standards who is more likely to provide regular sex and companionship for the least amount of effort on their part.
ToastedFrog · 10/06/2021 10:01

@LoopTheLoops yes. I am not saying op is a “Victim” but it’s totally beside the point that she agreed to a coffee date or she didn’t leave after a short time. Blaming her for this is absurd.

I am guessing the posters who are suggesting this are from a different age group. People around my age 30s don’t bat an eyelid at coffee or drink dates (or walks in the pandemic). In fact a man I have never met suggesting a dinner for whole evening would strike me as weird and coming on too strong.

Rozziie · 10/06/2021 10:04

Some of the Female Dating Strategy stuff is really quite toxic and just doesn't really work in UK culture. It seems to be way more acceptable i America for women to act like a prize or a princess and for the man to run after her. I think most decent British men would see that as a massive red flag and avoid, and the men who like it are exactly the ones who we should be avoiding.

A lot of their ideas are correct but I'm not convinced about the first date thing. I also can think of nothing worse than having to sit opposite someone I immediately disliked through an entire meal!

burnoutbabe · 10/06/2021 10:04

I'm nearly 50 but did lots of old when in my 30s and coffee meets were the best thing. These are not dates after you met Someone you fancied and areanged to see them again. They are meeting a total stranger. You may not fancy each other at all! There may be no spark. They may have lied about stuff. Best to do quick coffee (or one drink post work if both work in same city) and then see if you ant to go on an actual long date m.

coronaway · 10/06/2021 10:16

@Rozziie

Some of the Female Dating Strategy stuff is really quite toxic and just doesn't really work in UK culture. It seems to be way more acceptable i America for women to act like a prize or a princess and for the man to run after her. I think most decent British men would see that as a massive red flag and avoid, and the men who like it are exactly the ones who we should be avoiding.

A lot of their ideas are correct but I'm not convinced about the first date thing. I also can think of nothing worse than having to sit opposite someone I immediately disliked through an entire meal!

FDS is a toxic cesspool not dissimilar to all that red pill nonsense you get on the other side.
Rozziie · 10/06/2021 10:29

I think it is dissimilar to redpill, in fairness. Redpill followers hate women and try to use and abuse them. FDS followers are trying to protect themselves from been used and abused. A lot of what they say is basically 'don't let men walk all over you'. I just don't agree with the whole date thing.

Original poster
morethanspice · 10/06/2021 10:38

Thanks for all replies. I felt he was shy in his manner, I looked at his Facebook page just to verify he was who he said and his details matched.
Our coffee turned into lunch which he paid for and we both wanted to talk longer so we walked and had a seat in the sun.
I don’t think I will ever believe a word any man says ever again.

OP posts:
Rozziie · 10/06/2021 10:46

OP, what has he actually done wrong, though? You met, got on and he stopped texting. Maybe he's busy, something happened, maybe an ex got back in touch, maybe you didn't ask him a direct question and he doesn't want to over text in case you're not interested.....it was one single date, though? This seems like an overreaction. You had a nice time, he bought you lunch. What does he owe you?

Suprima · 10/06/2021 10:52

@morethanspice

Thanks for all replies. I felt he was shy in his manner, I looked at his Facebook page just to verify he was who he said and his details matched. Our coffee turned into lunch which he paid for and we both wanted to talk longer so we walked and had a seat in the sun. I don’t think I will ever believe a word any man says ever again.
I’m really sorry things didn’t work out for you, and I’m really sorry if I have hijacked your thread with a commentary on dating culture.

Regarding “believing what a man says”- what did he say to you? Say it went really well? Future faked?

LoopTheLoops · 10/06/2021 11:08

It’s definitely an over reaction, one date is just to see if you get on, maybe he realised you weren’t for him? I don’t see what he has done wrong

Sakurami · 10/06/2021 11:12

"Men who don’t want to take a woman on a nice date aren’t looking for an equal- they’re looking for someone with low standards who is more likely to provide regular sex and companionship for the least amount of effort on their part."

Don't be silly. They're just being sensible. Having a coffee to get to know someone first is bloody sensible. And both of you contributing to the expense is also right. Why should a man bear all the financial burden?

Whyhello · 10/06/2021 11:24

You have to remember that people keep their options open (as should you) and he’s probably talking to and possibly meeting various women. Maybe one has taken his interest more than you did? I know it seems harsh but it’s just one of those things. Move on.

Suprima · 10/06/2021 12:58

@Sakurami

"Men who don’t want to take a woman on a nice date aren’t looking for an equal- they’re looking for someone with low standards who is more likely to provide regular sex and companionship for the least amount of effort on their part."

Don't be silly. They're just being sensible. Having a coffee to get to know someone first is bloody sensible. And both of you contributing to the expense is also right. Why should a man bear all the financial burden?

Why? Because the contents of your make up bag and skincare probably cost more than the date, the personal risk a woman takes when going out to to meet an unknown man. It also weeds out the chancers. Coffee, even if the man paid can be done multiple times, increasing the chance of him ‘spinning plates’ as the delightful red pillers love to state. Even a man of good financial means who could afford a nice date, will have to make the time investment and effort investment which says a lot too.

If taking a woman you are interested out on a lovely date is a ‘financial burden’ for any man, then they shouldn’t be dating.

Tbh, the men paying is a red herring. It’s about effort and organisation, being invited out for a lovely activity or dinner as planned. I have accepted dates to botanical gardens, cute tea shops that sell lovely cake and other things related to my obscure interests- inexpensive and thoughtful. It’s not about ‘hahaha yeah let’s get these men to drop £300 on dinner and wine!!’ as you might think. Me and my girlfriends can do that ourselves. By giving yourself high standards and only considering men who want to invite you to something that they have planned, for your enjoyment, you weed out all of the low-effort lot who may become your boyfriend but you’ll be on MN in six months asking ‘AIBU to be cross that my boyfriend got me a box of Milk Tray for my birthday?” or in few years, “AIBU to want my husband to stop playing video games when our baby cries?”.

Of course, men who organise nice things can still be psychopaths and turn into horrible partners when the mask slips. There is no perfect filter.

Screening, as you’ve stated, is incredibly important but can be done on the phone or via a video call. I didn’t have the time to meet everyone for coffee to find out if they were a racist, ignorant or a workaholic- far too busy for that.

coronaway · 10/06/2021 13:16

But surely you can't realistically accept all that effort on a first meeting as you have no idea if there will be chemistry. To be honest I'd find it a red flag if a man went to a lot of effort - why does he think I'm so special after messaging a few times or even having a video call - none of that is representative of real life. That sounds like the sort of thing a narcissist would do imo.

I wouldn't bother getting my hair, nails done etc either for a first meeting.

Rozziie · 10/06/2021 13:25

This is the problem....planning a thoughtful date to a tea shop or a garden is considered 'all that effort' rather than the norm. Suprima is right...women take far more risks than men when online dating. We have to risk our safety, (generally) put more effort and expense into getting ready than a man would, and he can't even pay for tea and scones or a glass of wine?

Suprima · 10/06/2021 13:27

@coronaway

But surely you can't realistically accept all that effort on a first meeting as you have no idea if there will be chemistry. To be honest I'd find it a red flag if a man went to a lot of effort - why does he think I'm so special after messaging a few times or even having a video call - none of that is representative of real life. That sounds like the sort of thing a narcissist would do imo.

I wouldn't bother getting my hair, nails done etc either for a first meeting.

But you are that special Smile. This is key and lots of women sell themselves incredibly short. You are a well-groomed, intelligent, professional with interests and passions who is a loving friend/parent/daughter/whatever who deserves the absolute world. Why shouldn’t you be worthy of lovely date?

I’m not talking candles, rose petals and oysters on ice- I’m talking about something that they organise which demonstrates an interest in you and what you like. Why is that a red flag?