What are the realities of being single?

[dhbadmoodnc]

I've been thinking for a while now that I'm unhappy in my marriage. I had a thread about it last week - here.

I have never really been single. I met DH in my last year at uni and we got married quite quickly. I think I was pretty naive to be honest and a bit immature, I had such a fairytale, rose coloured glasses view of the world. I love DH and in some ways he's great but I'm tired of everything always being his way, I'm tired of walking on eggshells when he's in a bad mood, I'm tired of feeling like I'm living his life and not my own.

But at the same time, I still feel 50/50 about it, like it's better the devil you know? I do love DH, despite the issues we have.

So I was just hoping that you could share some realities of what it's like being single please? If you've left a long term relationship, how did you feel after the realities of life on your own set in?

Do you have DCs, OP?

I'm in a very similar position to you op but I was single for most of my twenties. I was very happily single then but now I'm forty I think the reality will be very different so I'm following with interest!

Do you have kids?

The reality is that you're going to have to house, feed & clothe yourself on your wage and perhaps save and plan for your solo old age. You don't mention your job so I'm not sure what that looks like for you.
Even if you're bare-bones-skint though, it's still doable. But it'll be harder.

Love your line I'm tired of feeling like I'm living his life and not my own.
Cos that's exactly what I'm doing. Nothing in our life particularly benefits me. It's all for him.

Sorry, should have said - no DCs

@Grizalda I think my biggest worry is financial. I do have a semi decent job, and I could afford to pay all the bills for somewhere on my own, I've looked at all the figures and I would have about £200 a month leftover, but that would be for everything - clothes, any social life, holidays, savings, long term savings for things like when I need a new car or to replace the washing machine or lawn mower etc etc so would be very tight, although I could pick up some freelance work potentially sometimes.

Tbh OP the issues you mention are things I would want to try and work on before considering divorce. You love him, there is no mention of him being horrible or abusive. It just sounds like you’ve settled into a routine that has him deciding how everything goes. He probably doesn’t even realise how much he’s doing it. Talk to him, tell him it’s a problem and you want both of you to change it.

I've just been catching up on your other thread.

It does sound like you'd be happier away from him but only you could make that leap.
You sound fairly set, financially wise, you've no dependents to mean you couldn't pick up that extra work if you have a tight month.

Just picture yourself in your little flat. It's decorated how you want, no one else is there to snaffle all the treats before you get to them. No piss on the toilet seat, which is down because that's how you left it! You can nip out when you want, you can eat when you want and you can watch what you want.
Sounds like bloody bliss to me.
And there's no reason why you couldn't meet someone else.

@UhtredRagnarson I have spoken to him about it, multiple times and he's not going to change. He's told me as much. He is very happy with how things are, he's living his dream life and I feel like the only options I'm left with are put up and shut up or leave.

Ah, in that case, then yes, there’s no point in staying. I’m very happily single and don’t see myself ever living with another man. I have children though so perhaps I would feel more alone if I didn’t.

It's tricky. I've been in your position, but with DCs. He wasn't 'bad' enough to divorce, but wasn't making me happy. Have you considered trying to work on the 50% which is telling you to stay? Couples counselling was very helpful for me, and in the end I used the sessions to inform my leaving.

It's hard, financially, but that in itself helped me to weigh up how unhappy I was.

A few years down the line, I do have moments where I think - would it have worked if I had stayed and accepted certain things, but ultimately, the freedom from not having to work around him was worth more. I'm really glad I gave it my best shot, and that I did the counselling with him.

Good luck with your decision. Work work work before you leave it.

It is utter bliss. I too was living my life according to his plan, walking on eggshells, etc. I used to day dream about what it would be like without him in my life - it's so much better than I ever could have imagined.

I've just read your posts in the other thread - yes, I would LTB and I don't say that lightly. You may well find that your focusing and concentration improves greatly once you are away from him.

If I were you I'd contact Women's Aid - they will be able to advise you how to prepare to leave, if that's what you want to do, safely and support you for all the time you need them. They will be able to help you with financial things too. They were an enormous help to me, I wouldn't be in the position I am now if it wasn't for them.

Don't let your husband know what you are thinking, dhbadmood, he will more than likely increase his abuse if he notices any changes in you. WA will help to keep you safe, please do think about contacting them. And keep posting

I've read your other thread. Wow, vile behaviour. You say he won't change - can you mentally give yourself a deadline? You must feel pretty fearful of him and this needs to change if you stay. It's no life, like that.

I was worried about so much - that if our behaviours continued, one of us would have an affair. So I tried to end on a 'high'. This made him a bit confused, but it was a helpful approach: "I've given this my best shot, it's not making me happy, I would like to continue alone", rather than "you're a manipulative bastard who treats me like shit". You can use counselling to help you.
Regarding finances and where to live. Don't underestimate how quickly houses can be sold and assets split. I had this fear, as my ex-h would say that I couldn't afford to divorce him. Sure, his way, not, but the courts worked more in my favour as I had given up things to be married. Marriage can equal more than 50-50 in assets.

Once you get the ball rolling, things can happen pretty quickly. I consulted a couple of divorce lawyers (free consultations). One was very brutal in suggested approach, the other more friendly. In the end, the friendly version was better and we were able to view the marriage ending in an amicable way.

Something else, we both said we wanted to avoid the courts so we wouldn't lose too much cash. This really helped so much.

Everything has to be his way and eggshells. Definitely leave! You don't even have kids to worry about. It's a no brainer.

I split up with my husband just before the first lockdown. I was 17 when I met him and we were together 16 years....married, two dc. I just wasn’t happy and I didn’t love him anymore. I thought I could carry on but it was hard everyday. We didn’t have an awful marriage, we didn’t argue but we just didn’t communicate and I felt so resentful towards him because I did 99.9% of the childcare and everything around the house while working evenings and weekends. I didn’t think I’d be able to mange alone (although I wasn’t worried about being alone) once I found out I’d be able to manage it was an easy decision. I felt terrible for hurting him and not speaking about it sooner (he wanted to work on it but I knew my feelings weren’t coming back) it was the best decision. Especially with lockdown and is sharing the weekends with the children, so some weekends I was completely alone and I was lonely because I couldn’t do anything, however not once did I regret my decision and was the loneliness was much better than the alternative. I am so much happier in myself and have totally changed as a person. I’m more outgoing and social and have the best family and friends so I’m very lucky. My dc were 7 and 4 and the 7yo took it hard but now he’s fine with it and it’s like the norm now. All I can say to you is you get one life!! Be happy, make yourself happy. Leaving is ok, if you know in your heart that it’s right for you x

Long term single and blissfully happy. My life is my own and I can make all my own decisions and do whatever I want from what to have for dinner to what to do with my life.

I'd much rather be single than living a miserable existence with someone I was scared of / didn't respect me / didn't want the best for me / was using me / insert another 100 reasons here.
Life is yours for the taking op. Go and live it.
Good luck

@JohnSteinbeck It's hard, financially, but that in itself helped me to weigh up how unhappy I was.

I think that's one of the things that's helping me too, strangely. I am worried about finances, that's my biggest worry really and what has stopped me leaving in the past. But I think it's getting to a point where I feel things are so bad that it doesn't feel as scary, and after always being a bit materialistic I'm surprised by how little I actually care about. I was working through what I could take from our house, what I'd need to buy, the savings I have and I was thinking, "I could take the armchair and just have that, I'd be okay without a sofa", "I can live without a TV" etc

in my case

pro's - i can see who i like, talk to who i like, flirt with who i like, sleep with who i like, go out when i like/have time, don't have to answer to Ex about parenting decisions in my own home, worry about being obliged to have sex when i don't feel like it, or be yelled at for trivial things.. i can go to bed when i like, watch what i want on TV, have the radio on when i want.. make as much MESS as i want, and tidy it when i fucking feel like it... I'm mostly happy and a LOT less stressed..
I can decorate my home how i like, eat what i want, wear what i want.

cons - have to rely on my own money, its sometimes a bit lonely.

Think that about covers it. Leaving was a ballache, divorce a pain in the ass, but ultimately, i'm happier and healthier.

I would like another relationship, but have little intent to ever marry again.. not even sure i ever want to live with a partner again either tbh.

Yup! It was an ENORMOUS change in outlook for me. I was stuck in a massive house, many cars, wonderful holidays, etc. On the outside, it looked like the perfect marriage. I came to terms with accepting that I would have none of that if I went ahead with the divorce. Once I rationalised this, it was fine. I did the same as you, thought about who would get which item, what I could live without, what life would look like...

That's healthy. As someone else suggested, start to carve a vision for what life might look like by yourself. I actually found it exciting to go view houses by myself, even if the one I am in is a fraction of what we had together! This view also extended to what my everyday life would look like - I swore I'd never cut my own grass, or clean my own toilet. It sounds bratty, but it was part of my self-care, it has kept me motivated, and now I am in a new relationship, it means I am hanging onto my values and needs.

OP, I am 6 years single now. After putting in probably an extra 5 to 6 years too long into my marriage. The damage those 5 /6 years did to me wasn't worth it, I see this now. For my dc as well. I know you don't have dc but mentally living unhappy is not good.

My motto now, which is completely cliche is ... life is short, so why live it unhappy.

There are pros and cons to everything.

Yes you are probably more financially comfortable as a couple, can afford more, have holidays etc etc.

These things are pretty good for you mentally, (not that we can now) but going away on holiday is something to look forward to and we all know thats good for ones mental health.

Being single, you are probably not going to be able to do this often (or ever in my case).

There are other cons to being single, there is a good chance that your married coupled up friends are going to push you away.

You may get lonely.
When something breaks or there is an emergency, its just down to you alone to get the problem sorted.

Other men will most likely make unwanted advances on you, as being a single woman attracts some very bizarre behaviour.
Going through a divorce is shit, you never divorce the same person you married.
You will most likely have to relocated from your home, or buy your ex out if you feel strongly about staying there.
If you like sex a lot, there is that issue.

The pros. You won't ever have to watch what you say or your actions as you will never need to walk on eggshells.
You have the freedom to do exactly as you please.
You won't be expected to make drinks and teas for someone without so much as a thank you.
ie, you won't be taken for granted.
You become a new you. This one is hard to explain but the other singletons will know what I mean. You find yourself....
And then all the usual things like no snoring, farting, can watch what you like on the telly, eat whatever you like etc.
You are open to meeting someone else, if that is something that you want.

I know there are a lot of things on the cons list there, but for me, the pros outweigh the cons. It does take time though, things wont be great straight away. My dd (18) asked me the other day if I am happy. I answered her that I am happier now than I have been in a long time.

Hi OP, I feel for you here - been in a similar situation myself! Long relationship starting in school, walking on egg shells, ultimately being unhappy but not sure whether it's better the devil you know and most importantly worrying about financing myself. I have to say that since I left and started on my own I am so glad. Making my own decisions and not worrying about anyone else is the best feeling, especially not having to worry what mood I am going to be coming home to. It's much easier than you think to go on your own once you've started and I really think it's the best decision I ever made. Good luck

@rooroobear I'm so glad you're much happier now. I think that's ultimately what I'm hoping for too, I feel like I've been so down for so long, I realy hope if I do it I can get some of my old self back.

@johnsteinbeck That really resonates with me. I think our marriage probably looks perfect from the outside, I have a lot of guilt over feeling I am being ungrateful for everything that I have and am thinking about throwing away.

I haven't been to any house viewings or anything but I've been looking on Right Move and I get almost like little butterflies of excitement looking at the houses and thinking of living there, decorating, making it really feel like MY home.

I think our marriage probably looks perfect from the outside, I have a lot of guilt over feeling I am being ungrateful for everything that I have and am thinking about throwing away.

Go back and read your posts in your other thread. Do you think your husband feels guilty about abusing you? What are the things you feel ungrateful for?

Why should you feel guilty for wanting an abuse free, calm and happy life?

Freedom! That is what is best. To be whoever I want and do whatever I want. And come home to a space that's mine.

It's knowing that there isn't anyone else around to upset me or hurt me. All my worries and stresses are my own and within my control. That incredible peace when I walk into my home and I don't have to worry about arguments or someone else's bad day. That I can make decisions without consulting someone else.

Being able to focus on my career and hobbies and the sense of achievement I feel everyday at becoming better at them. The feeling of independence, that I am capable and can get things done - it's very empowering. Also, the hope, the hope that I could meet an amazing man and have a good relationship. When I was married, it made me lonely not having that hope because I couldn't meet anyone else.

It can get a bit lonely sometimes, but it's lonelier in a bad relationship. My loneliness now doesn't fill me with despair like it did when I had someone at home I just didn't get on with. Some things are harder - going to events on your own when everyone is in a couple but you get over it quickly. And there are so many options to date now that weren't there before.

Being single isn't a permanent thing (unless you want it to be) and you can meet someone else when you're ready. But at least now you can enjoy some of your life and set it up so that your next relationship will be much better suited.