What are the realities of being single?

[dhbadmoodnc]

I've been thinking for a while now that I'm unhappy in my marriage. I had a thread about it last week - here.

I have never really been single. I met DH in my last year at uni and we got married quite quickly. I think I was pretty naive to be honest and a bit immature, I had such a fairytale, rose coloured glasses view of the world. I love DH and in some ways he's great but I'm tired of everything always being his way, I'm tired of walking on eggshells when he's in a bad mood, I'm tired of feeling like I'm living his life and not my own.

But at the same time, I still feel 50/50 about it, like it's better the devil you know? I do love DH, despite the issues we have.

So I was just hoping that you could share some realities of what it's like being single please? If you've left a long term relationship, how did you feel after the realities of life on your own set in?

It really really does op.

Do it.

You WILL be happier.

Good luck.

Everything, but everything is up to you. No-one to share, bounce opinions off, all the responsibilities of everyday life - home, garden and car maintenance, shopping, cooking and laundry. Much of this may fall to you anyway but it's the relentless nature of it all which may sometimes get you down on a bad day but feel pretty good when things are going smoothly as you don't have to run anything past anyone else. It's swings and roundabouts as is much of everyday life.

@frumpybetty Birthdays, Christmas and valentines day can feel lonely at times. In your head you imagine all the love other couples are feeling and a wonderful time they are having together.

I think I might not find those days that bad. DH has never done anything for me on my birthday or Valentines Day and last year he told me he was too busy to get me anything for Christmas.

It does feel like a massive deal to be single. Looking back over my life, and probably most people's, it seems like we're all just pushed to think that getting married and having children is the ultimate goal, but hopefully at least that feels like it's changing a little bit.

It's interesting you post this as i've been single for ages (I do have a son) and i've always been so curious how marriage is. I always thought i'd end up meeting someone, get married and settle down with children. Seems that's not what the universe had in store for me.
I can say it has not been an easy journey to get to where I am now but i really do enjoy my single life. Even though everything falls to you it has its positives because you can live the way you want to. There are certainly times i've wished i had someone to share experiences with like holidays, or events (where i am usually the single one) I would definitely advise to get out of a relationship/marriage and see how liberating it can be. My sister isn't married but her relationship has been on the rocks for so long it's wearing her down but i can see she isn't ready to admit it. It seems you have admitted it to yourself and this is the first step as well as not feeling guilty about wanting a change. Your happiness comes first, because if you only ever please everyone else where does that leave you?
I fully agree with one of the pps which said you get to find out what you like and what goals you'd like to achieve. I suppose financially I am in a lucky position as my job pays well ( never received any support from my EX) so we have always more than managed which is nice. Without too many responsibilities you should be able to financially set yourself up in time. Let us know how you get on!

OP there is nothing more lonely than a relationship like the one you describe. It's a no brainer really

I've been trying to remember that when I tell myself I can't do something. Actually, yes I can. I can run a business and a home despite having had a rough time of it mentally and often being told how rubbish I am.

Yes! And that voice - YOUR voice - will get stronger too now and over the weeks and months. There’s no desperate rush and I fully appreciate how hard it must be with nowhere to go so it might be good to grow in confidence, see a solicitor about splitting finances, business and house money and make a plan. Of course, your H will maybe sense you pulling away emotionally and turn on the charm but it sounds like you’re now beyond being sucked back in.

You didn’t sound flippant at all about finances btw, I just meant while it’s tempting to just focus on escaping, don’t leave with nothing. I could have got more but it was more important for a variety of reasons, partly time and mainly the kids, to not go to war and I got what I needed to start again. I do think the path of least resistance is not to be sniffed at when separating from someone difficult, I just ended up so removed from him as it took me so long to do it that I was more willing than I’d previously been to piss him off! You’ll find a middle ground with it all I’m sure and the most important thing is you’re going, and you will rebuild yourself.

My cycle was so similar to how you describe for years with me doubting/knowing it wasn’t right then it turning round and me thinking I was making a mountain out of a molehill/thank goodness I didn’t leave etc. But the thing is when I look back now even the good wasn’t good, I was still conditioning myself to behaving in a way that wouldn’t upset him and still compromising way too much on the life I wanted to live. Now, my life probably looks like a right mess on the outside but it’s so much better than how things were when I was confirming to the husband, family, home ‘ideal’.
Even when some things are hard now, they’re real and honest and it’s such a revelation to finally be living true to myself after 15 years burying my feelings.

Have you read this poem before? I came across it on here a couple of years ago on a relationship thread not dissimilar to either of our situations and I’m 100% sure it changed my life. It helped me build the courage to leave and helped me stay strong when my ex was making it so difficult. www.phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/archive/oliver_thejourney.html

Last thing... your in a massive state of stress atm so I know you haven’t got anywhere to go and that must be so hard, but if you can take some time to reflect there might be other options you haven’t been able to think about yet, eg if you have family elsewhere you could get a temp job away and move to them for a bit, it doesn’t have to be forever. I’m sorry if this isn’t an option as I know it isn’t for everyone. I hope you find time to speak to Women’s Aid/Rights soon

@likeamother I hadn't seen that poem before. I love it, I got to the last line and just cried.

I'm struggling a bit today, I still know that I Want to leave but yesterday I started getting really scared about all the unknowns and the future. Some silly and some more worrying, like what if I get seriously ill and I have no one to look after me, although I know that would be a ridiculous and selfish reason to stay with someone. I just feel overwhelmed I think.

I think it's come about because I think I've found somewhere to move to, it won't be ready for a month or two but it would be ideal, and it's making everything feel so much more real. I was so happy on Saturday when I was told I could have it, I was genuinely excited about my future and then it just flipped and I feel weighed down with worry about it now.

How you feel is totally normal. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't go but it's to be expected completely to feel overwhlemed, scared and unsure. I would physically shake when the reality of it took hold and my brain would go into panic mode throwing all the reasons why I couldn't do it at me. It sounds like that's happening now that it has become a realistic possibility. Have you spoke to Women's Aid yet? I would imagine one of the things you're trying to protect yourself from is his reaction, which I understand but it totally messed up when you think about it... staying because you're scared of how he'll behave if you left. Try and talk to someone about support and advice as dealing with that side can only help

The reality is that you will be financially reamed and will subsidise everyone else except other single and child free people. You will spend a far higher % of your income on basics. You will have your independence but by god you will pay for it.

@dhbadmoodnc
Hi OP
You comment about getting butterflies of excitement looking on right move is lovely and makes me want to give you a big hug😢
I really hope those butterflies become a reality for you in your own peaceful home very soon
Best of luck with everything. 💐

Singledom is so underrated in our society. Actually, not only is it underrated but it’s often portrayed as something that should be avoided if possible. But give me the single life any day over an unhappy or mediocre relationship.

@dhbadmoodnc How are you doing?

Posted too soon! Hope you've managed to take some time and get your thoughts in order a little, and speak to someone too. You are strong enough, you can do this