What are the realities of being single?

[dhbadmoodnc]

I've been thinking for a while now that I'm unhappy in my marriage. I had a thread about it last week - here.

I have never really been single. I met DH in my last year at uni and we got married quite quickly. I think I was pretty naive to be honest and a bit immature, I had such a fairytale, rose coloured glasses view of the world. I love DH and in some ways he's great but I'm tired of everything always being his way, I'm tired of walking on eggshells when he's in a bad mood, I'm tired of feeling like I'm living his life and not my own.

But at the same time, I still feel 50/50 about it, like it's better the devil you know? I do love DH, despite the issues we have.

So I was just hoping that you could share some realities of what it's like being single please? If you've left a long term relationship, how did you feel after the realities of life on your own set in?

Well OP, he sounds pretty awful from the other thread.

Like @isthismylifenow I'm a few years out of a marriage that I stayed in too long. My only regret is not getting out sooner (I did have children).

I like being single too and the only downside (which is hugely outweighed by the upsides) is that I have less money. I am looking after children though. But I love living alone. I love being free to make my own decisions. I just love it.

I think you are only scared because of the financial implications. But you have no children so there's nothing stopping you really. And I'm sure you'll find that it's worth the cuts in your income to not be walking on eggshells the whole time.

I’ve not read your other thread. And I don’t mean to be harsh but there is no reason a healthy adult of working age should not be capable of supporting themselves financially.

You might have a smaller home and fewer luxuries, this is not the same as being incapable of affording to live alone.

If you’re going to put lifestyle and convenience over your right to be treated with respect and kindness and love then that is your prerogative of course, but be honest with yourself about it.

You are in such an easy position compared with most women in bad marriages.

I've been single for two years (just over). I should have ended things years before rather than staying, and trying everything to make things work (none of it worked...he didn't want to change/stop the drugs/alcohol).

Cons: to be honest, there are not many.
-I miss the lovely guy I married/fell in love with (obvs this was how he was BEFORE he got hooked on drugs/alcohol!).
-Sometimes I get lonely.
-things can be hard when you're doing all the parenting alone (due to the above reasons for us splitting, DC don't go to his place - they have contact with him here at my place, and I'm on hand to supervise).
-Things are tight financially at times.
But I'd happily have all these cons over the crap I had to deal with before we split.

Pro's:
-I have a peaceful and calm household now!
-the change in the DCs attitude etc was HUGE from the time he left (and their school grades went up).
-I can go to sleep and not worry anymore about whether he'd still be home or gone AWOL in the morning....or whether the house is trashed or not.
-no more being on the receiving end of verbal etc abuse.
-No more being scared.
-No more being gaslighted or lied to!
-I don't get dragged into any of the shit he's got himself into and be expected to sort it all out.
-I can go to work and not worry about whether he'll still be home/able to get the kids/look after the kids.
-No more having police show up or call me at work because of his antics.
-And the only time I phone into work saying that I can't come in is if I'm sick or if the DC are sick (not because he's let me down last minute with looking after the DC).
-I can watch whatever TV I want, cook what I want etc.
-I can make plans for me/the kids and not worry about the plans being wrecked because he's disappeared on a bender/too drunk etc.
-I can see people (well, before covid!) or invite friends over and not worry about how he'll be.

I was so ashamed and embarrassed when we split. I felt like I was the one who was the failure, and who didn't do enough. I know now that unless he wanted to tackle his issues/addictions, then there is nothing I could have done.

OP, in your previous thread, you mentioned that you would stammer when he got angry at you. That's what happened with me (not with XH, but with a previous ex). It's not right, and no one should make you feel that scared/anxious that you develop a stammer. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, it's really no life.

Pros:
I do what I feel like, when I feel like. Tonight I went after work to a local village, walked my dog in lovey parkland and then met a friend for a soft drink in a local pub.

No one bitches about my mess.
No one complains about what I make for dinner, or if I just do a slice of toast.
No one makes me watch crap car telly.

Cons:
When something goes wrong in the house I have to sort it out myself every single time.

Your old thread is really quite worrying OP. This man is a bully who doesn’t seem to see never mind appreciate you for who you are. It sounds like you are a frightened bit part player in his life.

These situations only get worse. You sound like you are still pretty young and while money might be v tight to start you will get your career going.

Other than money being tight to start, I think being single is a lovely thing (I was, for much of my 30s). You can design a life that suits you and figure out what you enjoy, enjoy your space and your sense of self. You can use your house to entertain and have it how you like. You can build up a group of friends and (when money gets easier) go travelling. You will get to know who you are and that is fun.

I would start by making a practical plan, could you stay for a month each on your mum/friend/sister’s sofas? Just while you find a job. It’s not like you have 3 kids and no qualifications so it’s doable one way or another.

After a relationship ending, you have your freedom
Do exactly what you want
Go where you want

I've lived in house shares & alone

It's made me stronger

Make your own decisions

Make your own plans

I left with 2 DC's, there was abuse in my relationship as well as feeling like everything was arranged for his benefit. He got to socialise, his career went from strength to strength, he controlled the money and bought whatever he liked for our house. He didnt see it as my house, i was undervalued because i didnt earn - even though i was desperate to earn and have a balance between being a mum and still having a career.

I left, im 100x happier. I have a career again, i see my friends, i choose what is in my house, what food i buy, when my parents or friends can come over. All the freedoms he had but i didnt when we were together. He now has to actually look after the kids sometimes so i even get free time. For me it was the best thing ive ever done.

200 disposable income a month will be extremely hard to manage on though, so if i were you I would look into boosting that to at least 4-500 a month.

As others have said, it can be lonely and it can be a drag having to do everything around the house yourself, but all in all I absolutely love living alone. And the loneliness from being alone is way, way better than feeling lonely in a relationship. My last one made me realise how bad it can get, and he wasn't even that abusive. It was just the constant snide, belittling comments, sitting in awkward silence, and just feeling uncomfortable all the time. He would get annoyed at absolutely pathetic things like if I repeated myself too much (in his eyes) or asked a question he didn't like, and then make out like this made me a terrible person. I felt like an unlovable, annoying, worthless idiot most of the time, with my self esteem in shreds, and this started to bleed into other aspects of life, like I started assuming people wouldn't like me, stopped inviting friends for coffee because I felt like they'd only say yes to be polite, etc.

Now I actually enjoy the whole day when I'm at home. I'm not walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing. I can cook or bake something without being criticised for making a mess or asked why I have the oven on X or Y temperature. I can take as long as I want to in the shower without being guilted about it. I talk to friends enthusiastically about a new hobby or interest and they listen supportively without rolling their eyes like he did. I can have actual conversations and discussions with people and enjoy them, when he used to ask 'what is the point of this discussion?' I used to cry nearly every day in that relationship and now I barely ever do.

Covid has made dating really hard, and this is the biggest issue, especially with me being in my mid thirties, the timing has felt so cruel. But even though I hate the apps and use them very little, I have a sense of optimism and possibility I didn't have when in a relationship which was only ever going to get worse. And my last relationship has shown me that it's way better to be single than in a bad relationship. I read so many threads here by women in genuinely awful situations they will find so hard to leave, and I think, thank God that's not me. I've made plans on Saturday to meet a local friend for coffee, then walk to a lovely plant shop for some new plants, then read my new book on the balcony with a cold beer. In the evening I plan to make tacos while Facetiming a friend in America, then watch a film I've been wanting to see for a while. Doesn't that sound a lot better than being stuck with a miserable, sulking man who is having a go at you constantly?

I love being single. I earn comfortably at the moment, last year when I didn't work it was pretty terrifying at times, not having anyone for a safety net but I also feel like it was a major achievement to survive financially.

The good things include being able to cut back when saving for a handbag/holiday/sofa without anyone complaining. If I want to live on egg on toast for a bit, I can.
Doing everything on my schedule, from housework to holidays. A downside not having anyone else to put the bins out, do a quick shop, put a wash on when snowed under at work or ill. But if something doesn't get done, no one complains.
Not having to check in, I can go out straight from work, I can make and cancel plans without worry. I can go and visit my dad or friends. I don't have any in-laws to deal with.

I know a lot of that sounds very superficial but for me it really is a number of small things added up that make my life much happier than when I was in a long term relationship.
To the extent that now I would find it hard to trade them in for the good stuff in relationships.

I hope you don't chose to stay in an abusive or unhappy relationship through fear of being alone.

I suppose you have to ask yourself if this is really the man and life you want to have for the rest of your life, or if you want children with him (if you want them at all)

I stayed in an abusive relationship for years because I was terrified of being on my own. Turns out it's a lot easier than I was expecting, the only struggle I feel now is the enormous pressure to be everything and do everything for DC. It's an adjustment sure but I value my own space and time so much more now. I miss having someone round the house to do the DIY (although I did the majority of it anyway, just stuff I physically can't do) but otherwise I loved being single.

I met my dh when I was 20, had dd when I was 21, dd2 23.

Leaving was scary as I had never really been alone but I have to say “it’s the best thing I ever did”. First year was tough but then I began to find myself and enjoy being on my own, I now have more friends, a social life, hobbies and a better relationship with my DD’s. I love being able to do what I want and buy what I want without having to validate it with anyone. If I’m single forever it won’t be a bad thing.

I absolutely and utterly love it. Im actually a little horrified at, for me, how much nicer it is than being in a relationship. I love the freedom, the peace, the lack of judging, the lack of expectations. It does make it easier that I have friends, finances, hobbies. I slob on the sofa when I want to slob on the sofa, and I go online when I want sex - takes about ten minutes to find someone!

@arethereanyleftatall

I absolutely and utterly love it. Im actually a little horrified at, for me, how much nicer it is than being in a relationship. I love the freedom, the peace, the lack of judging, the lack of expectations. It does make it easier that I have friends, finances, hobbies. I slob on the sofa when I want to slob on the sofa, and I go online when I want sex - takes about ten minutes to find someone!

I think more and more women are realising this. It’s a much better life isn’t it?

It’s also very easy to find no strings sex when needed 🤣

Indeed @Lovemusic33
And, it's exciting, new sex.

It's like being a teenager again but better, because you've got more confidence, and aren't on a quest to find 'the one'.

When I go out with my married friends, of whom 75% are miserable, their life's are a constant hum of tiny resentments of their partners irritating habits. We're free of that.

Sometimes, op, like once a month, I get lonely, but then I remember that every other day I live in peaceful bliss.

I will never be in an unhappy or even just plodding along relationship ever again. Perfect relationship or single.

I am not single and have been in a few long term relationships but I don't live with dp and we live separate lives and I love it. I cannot imagine having to live my life around someone else. I just remember when I lived at home not being able to wait to leave and live my own life. Married people moaning about their husbands has put me off marriage and living together for life!

Op - regarding your finances. Happiness is a state of mind. I would rather be working extra shifts, than sat with my exhusband Sipping cocktails in the Maldives.

@arethereanyleftatall agree about the relief of not looking for the one. That energy in looking for someone, disappointing dates, attacks on self esteem etc all gone.

Not to say you should never date again. But not being caught up in the am I good enough? Is he a psycho? Why did he do/not do.... world of dating, is really freeing and gives a lot of headspace back and let's your self esteem recover.

@arethereanyleftatall. That’s a very interesting point. I love holidays but not all that enforced time together if a relationship has gone a bit pear shaped, same goes for weekends— when you start actually dreading holidays and weekends regardless of the quality of them is when you know there is an issue in a relationship

@dhbadmoodnc I've just read your other post too and felt compelled to message (I'm normally more of a lurker!).

I promise you will be better off on your own. If you go, you may be unhappy for a while, you may find someone else -- you may not. You may have great adventures and you may be lonely sometimes.

But if you stay, you know you won't be happy. Not with your H. Those feelings you get when he slams the door, shouts at you, belittles you -- those feelings that make you feel horrible and shaken up and that something really isn't right, are happening because things AREN'T right. They're our instincts, and we ignore them at our peril.
A friend told me that once and it made me go cold because I knew she was right. I stayed in my marriage way too long (and had children) and it caused lots of emotional damage to us all.

When you're single, you don't have to try and be perfect, living by someone else's impossible and ever-changing standards. You will soon get another job, be ok financially and be the master of your own destiny. A room of ones own!

I left last year and though I too have a lot less money now and it's a big lifestyle shift, I'm ok. I have enough for me and the kids to get by, I used my share of the house to buy a smaller place for us -- and it's enough. It's so much better than living with someone I finally admitted I didn't enjoy spending time with and who I knew (despite his protests) didn't love me at all, who just wanted someone to do things for him.

If I were you, I'd carry on job hunting and when you get a new job that may well initiate the break up for you, guessing at your H's reaction. Would he leave the house while it's sold? If you don't think he would, go to a solicitor now for a free 30 min consult and get all your ducks lined up, find out what you should/shouldn't do and your rights particular to your circumstance as length of marriage etc. can play a part.

And I know what you're saying about not needing a lot of the stuff, I totally get that, but also don't leave yourself short as moving is hugely expensive I found, even when buying second-hand. I was so used to putting my H's needs before my own that at first I planned to leave most of the stuff reasoning (although it was really his voice that over the years had infiltrated my thoughts so he didn't even need to say it, I constantly pre-empted his reactions and convinced myself he was right!), that he was staying so it made more sense to leave XYZ etc.

Once I totted it all up though and the cost of buying everything I gave my head a wobble and did a big spreadsheet with everything split out. I did leave some big things like the sofa and big bed but then compensated by taking all the other furniture like sideboard, shelves - and telly! - and ensuring I got at least half of everything else I needed to replace. I'm so glad I did that as it's saved me a fortune when there ended up being lots of unforeseen costs when I moved.

It is very brave to acknowledge that things aren't right and even braver to do something about it. You CAN do it, op. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm really proud of myself and once I got the ball rolling the relief was immense. In fact, that gave me strength to keep going and when he was horrible and nasty about things it only reassured me that I was doing the right thing completely.

Thinking of you -- go get your life back!

One thing you could so to improve both your social and financial situation is to take on a job in the evening in a bar. Even 10 hrs a week extra is £90 plus on your income and you get to meet loads of people too. Hospitality is struggling to find people currently.

Hi @likeamother, thank you so much for your reply.

I think I know I will be happier if I go, when I look back over our relationship it's kind of always been there. I've always put timelines on things, like oh, when we get married everything will be okay, when we've moved house, after we have a baby, etc etc but it never changes and in fact has just got worse. Looking back I can see the cycles, of him being horrible to me and wanting to leave and then it peaks and all of a sudden he's back to the lovely, charming man I thought I married and I feel relieved and convince myself that's who he is really and it's like a honeymoon period and the bad time was beause of an extenuating circumstance... Turns out, it's just a typical abuse cycle.

I think I was a bit too flippant when I brought up finances before, I do accept that I will have a change in lifestyle and I'm okay with that. We don't live a lavish one anyway or anything like that and I know as a previous poster pointed out I'm luckier than most. It's more the short term I'm worried about, I don't have anyone I can go and stay with, I wouldn't feel safe staying here after I'd told him I wanted to leave, he doesn't have anyone he can stay with, and working out what financial help would be available to me is just honestly depressing. I think you're right in that the best bet is for me to find a job before going, as I don't feel at risk or anything while I stay and keep things as normal for him. I'm going to try and speak to Rights of Women but it's a bit tricky to get time to do it.

I don't think DH loves me any more either, not really. I think I could be anyone and as long as they were doing what he wanted.

That's good advice about it being DHs voice in my head too, I've been trying to remember that when I tell myself I can't do something. Actually, yes I can. I can run a business and a home despite having had a rough time of it mentally and often being told how rubbish I am.

For me it is liberating and calm. I also found it is much easier to prioritise your own goals, for example by career has progressed massively so your financial situation could be better than what you expect in time. It is also easier to manage your money when only you have an input into what is spent and when.

Literally the only downside i have found is having to figure out how to move bulky furniture on your own when you decorate.

Birthdays, Christmas and valentines day can feel lonely at times. In your head you imagine all the love other couples are feeling and a wonderful time they are having together.

Other than that, being single is awesome, truly.

I think for people who have never really been single before think it is a massive deal. It really isn't.

I've been single quite a while now and I love it. My house is mine, I can decorate it however I want and do my own thing. No need to walk on eggshells if someone is in a mood. I love living on my own (with DD) I cant see me ever living with a bloke again ever, I'm happy in my own home.

@Rozziie yes it does, that sounds lovely.

*@arethereanyleftatall Sometimes, op, like once a month, I get lonely, but then I remember that every other day I live in peaceful bliss.

I will never be in an unhappy or even just plodding along relationship ever again. Perfect relationship or single.*

I love the idea of living in blissful peace. I feel I've been living in a near constant turmoil the past couple of years. The only time I've relaxed is when DH goes to his hobby on a Saturday morning and I can just please myself without justification. I suppose that tells me everything I need to know.