Am I in the wrong here? Relationship with parents

[dangermouse707]

Hi 👋🏻

I’m 24, living at home with parents. I’ve had a really tough year with break ups, losing my job etc. Luckily I have a new one lined up. At the moment I’m finding it really hard to get out of bed etc as I feel like everything is falling under my feet.

I have a strained relationship with my siblings in particular. It’s a weird one but I always feel nervous around them, and we are very different people - I feel like we will never really get on very well and they get very irritated by me because I’m much more of an introvert than them. They say I don’t really have much personality etc.

I’m finding recently, where I’ve been feeling so down, that they’re picking up on this and I’m hearing my family bitch about me being moody etc. This happens a lot. Tonight I broke down in tears because I feel so down, feel like I have irrepairable relationships with my family, and just generally feel like a waste of space and got little reaction. Not even a hug. My mum told me “no wonder I clash with everyone” because I’m so difficult. And my dad goes off on one, laughing about me trying to label myself as depressed. He outwardly said I’m not, and I need to stop “wallowing in my own self-pity”, giving myself false labels, and that I’m a very negative person who just needs to “lighten up” and “see what you have got rather than what you haven’t”. He got really sarcy with me and laughed a lot at things I was saying, also saying everyone else has it a lot worse than I have and to get over it. (He also disagrees that mental health is a thing, and all labels are wrong lol).

The night basically ended with dad walking off saying I’m not depressed and it’s an attention thing, and mum saying I need to grow up and stop putting my problems on everyone else.
I am trying so hard but life has been hard and I am struggling. But when I try and better myself eg I said I want to move out, or go abroad for a while, have a fresh start and be free, they laugh and say I’m stupid because it’s “me running away from my problems”.

I just feel like in a complete rut. I feel like a complete waste of space, clashing with everyone and yet feel so restricted. I’ll be honest I don’t really want to wake up in the morning but I can’t say this because it’s “attention seeking” (I got laughed at when I said this).

I don’t really know why I’m waffling so much but I really am just so stuck? :(

Sounds like you're having a really hard time, OP and your family sound cruel and abusive. The fact the people you should be able to rely on for support aren't at all supportive must be really undermining to your emotional and mental health.

Don't listen to them, give your GP a call (or email form) in the morning and make sure you says it's a mental health issue to get prioritised. Have you seen the Stately Homes thread on Chat? It might help to go over there and speak with others who have similar experiences. You're not alone. Yiu are a valid human being. You are capable of doing any of those things you want to, your family just want to keep you where they want you so they can feel better about themselves.

As someone with mental health problems: speak to your doctor, even if you have to try seeing a few to find one you click with. Having someone who has got your back will make a world of difference .

Thank you guys I will try and get in contact - I’ve had therapy before and found it didn’t help much but yeah.
They don’t believe I have depression and laughed in my face because it’s a label and I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

I really just wanted a hug 😢 and not to be laughed at and told I’m attention seeking. I dunno maybe I am, if my whole family are taking a dislike to me maybe it is me?

They don’t believe I have depression and laughed in my face because it’s a label and I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not surprised, that's a bloody horrible reaction! We all need a hug and to feel cared for sometimes. That's just human.

I was genuinely in disbelief when my dad said this but then saw my family agree with him? So maybe I am the problem haha, I don’t know :(
I really really just wanted a hug and I haven’t had one from them once

Sorry you're going through a hard time, hope you get the help you need.

Thank you @JackieQueen

I'd save as hard as I could so that I could move out. It's very very hard when you can't rely on your own family for emotional support.

I agree! I’d love to move out but I’m nowhere near a deposit yet (only have about 4k saved) and I don’t really want to rent as I feel I’ll never save to buy somewhere.

They also don’t think I’m capable. They laughed last time I said I wanted to move out. I went to uni and struggled then, didn’t particularly love my housemates - but I survived, supported myself financially by working, left with some fantastic friends and graduated. I said this to mum and she laughed and said THEY helped me get through it and my ex boyfriend as well - not me 😌

You do sound very low. I think you need some space from your family.
24 is a good time to move out. You say you have 4K which is enough for a deposit on a rental room/flat
You will be fine, be courageous, see if you can make the step. I am sure you will feel much better if you do.

Move out and rent.
You need space to be yourself. Keep in contact with your good friends for mutual support.
No point in saving £ if you have to live with unsupportive people, family or otherwise

Most of your problems will be due to their cruelty, so it's ironic they are so horrible about them. I would focus on moving out and I think you'll find your life improves massively.

All the best op.

They seem afraid to let you succeed.

It's not you. I can can guarantee this is not you. You sound like an amazing person who has soldiered on through difficult mental health and achieved something.

I had to leave home early because of one of my parents being like yours. I didn't achieve any further or higher qualifications until I was post 30 though, every time I tried to study from home, I was disrupted constantly, bullied, belittled, mistreated.

I'd seriously look into what sort of rent you can afford, with the view to being able to continue to save towards a mortgage deposit. Leave home, and don't feel you have to stay in contact with them either.

Going low or no contact is a valid choice and in cases like you describe, I'd see it as the height of self care.

Good luck.

They don't get it. For whatever reason. But your feelings are valid. They might respond more appropriately if you directly ask for a hug or whatever you need. For some reason when you share your feelings/thoughts with them they see that as something to argue you out of.

How much were you trying to save up? Whilst it is a sensible plan if you get on with your parents, it's still tough. And when they make critical comments like that, I think it's going to hold you back more than paying to rent elsewhere would.

But looking for a house-share or at least living near friends would be good so you don't feel too isolated.

Take care xx you know they can't see inside your head and aren't in charge of the story of your past or know what you are capable of in future. It's your life xx

@dangermouse707

I was genuinely in disbelief when my dad said this but then saw my family agree with him? So maybe I am the problem haha, I don’t know :( I really really just wanted a hug and I haven’t had one from them once

It doesn’t have to be an either or thing, it can be both. You might be someone who is a bit on the mopey negative side naturally. After the last year it wouldn’t be surprising if you’ve fallen a bit deeper into that. Your family also sound like their generally inconsiderate assholes. Both can be true. The problem is being around generally unkind people will make you feel worse leading to more negativity, then them getting worse in response and so on and so on. It becomes a cycle.

Moving out will be the best thing for you to help break that cycle. Your family will never be the supportive type. If you want to maintain a relationship with them the best thing to do is recognize their limitations and keep things acquaintance level with them.

Honestly? Move out as soon as you can

It doesn't have to be an owned place and you don't have to live alone. Find a house share or lodging situation. Many landladies will be very glad of a quiet keeps to themselves lodger.

Your family are I have no doubt contributing to your depression

Get out and suit yourself living style wise.

I honestly think it will give you the confidence boost you need

You CAN save for a house of your own even if you're paying out for lodgings it just might take a bit longer but you're 24 you've ages to worry about such things.

Hell if I were you I'd go travelling if it weren't for COVID nonsense

NO amount of money is worth wrecking your mental health.

I am 48 and housebound due to agoraphobia. I wish with all my heart I had sought help far younger and done the things that made me happy and stay healthy.

Thank you so much everyone you’ve made me feel a lot better I don’t think it’s helping me being here... I feel bad saying that as my parents have shown so much love in lots of other ways but yeah. I feel our relationship was much better when I was living away at uni etc as well and I really don’t want a strained relationship with them!
My new job isn’t until September so I’m not really in a position to move out until then sadly

In what other ways have they shown love, OP?

You need to move out. I know you want to save for a deposit, but you would be so much better off living in a house share with people your own age and away from your useless tosspot family. I bet your mental health would also improve.

You definitely need to move out. Get a room in a shared flat lined up for when you start your new job and live a little away from your parents. (Could you get a temp summer job - hospitality or something to get you out the house over the summer?)

In terms of buying a house whilst this might take longer to buy by moving out you will be doing yourself a favour in the longer term. So what if you buy a house at 30 instead of 28?

Finally, you family are not going to give you the support you need or want so you need to make peace with that and stop looking to them for that support. It’s really tough that they can’t be who you want them to be and what you would hope loving supportive parents should be but you need to look elsewhere for support - friends, therapy, GP, medication, inside yourself.

That sounds really hard OP, are you able to have a chat in private with your mum or don't you think she'll respond very well?

I've got daughters a little bit younger than you and I just can't imagine belittling their feelings like this. Although, having said that I do remember one of mine saying "your generation are shit at dealing with mental health issues" ... so maybe I wouldn't be as good as I think!

Your parents sound horrible

Please talk to your GP about help - your parents don't need to know about this. If you're given medication, keep it hidden.

I truly, truly, sympathise.

My mother was aghast when I told her I'd suffered PND with my babies. Why hadn't I told her, my own mother?! Because I'd heard her laughing and sneering and disapproving and judging of other people who had bravely opened up about mental health issues, saying they just needed to get on with it, and keep themselves busy, and other people (meaning herself) had gone through FAR worse in life, and they'd never indulged in such self indulgent behaviour. She was a little bit taken aback by this. However, I still, apparently, owed her an apology for not having told her. . .

OP, you sound very strong, you sound intelligent, you are educated, and you are wanting to do better for yourself. As someone who only recently acknowledged my mental health issues needed help, please, please talk to your GP, and grab whatever help you can get with both hands, be it medication, be it talking therapy, whatever.

I hope so much you can find friends, or a support group, anything, that will give you the understanding, support and kindness you need and you deserve, that apparently your family is unable, or unwilling, to give.

September isn't far away, it would not make a huge dent in your savings if you were to find somewhere near work to live now and move out and settle in before starting new job.

I moved out at 17 due to unhappy home well abusive actually and it was definitely the best move for me.

You really can't put a price on your mh.