Am I in the wrong here? Relationship with parents

[dangermouse707]

Hi 👋🏻

I’m 24, living at home with parents. I’ve had a really tough year with break ups, losing my job etc. Luckily I have a new one lined up. At the moment I’m finding it really hard to get out of bed etc as I feel like everything is falling under my feet.

I have a strained relationship with my siblings in particular. It’s a weird one but I always feel nervous around them, and we are very different people - I feel like we will never really get on very well and they get very irritated by me because I’m much more of an introvert than them. They say I don’t really have much personality etc.

I’m finding recently, where I’ve been feeling so down, that they’re picking up on this and I’m hearing my family bitch about me being moody etc. This happens a lot. Tonight I broke down in tears because I feel so down, feel like I have irrepairable relationships with my family, and just generally feel like a waste of space and got little reaction. Not even a hug. My mum told me “no wonder I clash with everyone” because I’m so difficult. And my dad goes off on one, laughing about me trying to label myself as depressed. He outwardly said I’m not, and I need to stop “wallowing in my own self-pity”, giving myself false labels, and that I’m a very negative person who just needs to “lighten up” and “see what you have got rather than what you haven’t”. He got really sarcy with me and laughed a lot at things I was saying, also saying everyone else has it a lot worse than I have and to get over it. (He also disagrees that mental health is a thing, and all labels are wrong lol).

The night basically ended with dad walking off saying I’m not depressed and it’s an attention thing, and mum saying I need to grow up and stop putting my problems on everyone else.
I am trying so hard but life has been hard and I am struggling. But when I try and better myself eg I said I want to move out, or go abroad for a while, have a fresh start and be free, they laugh and say I’m stupid because it’s “me running away from my problems”.

I just feel like in a complete rut. I feel like a complete waste of space, clashing with everyone and yet feel so restricted. I’ll be honest I don’t really want to wake up in the morning but I can’t say this because it’s “attention seeking” (I got laughed at when I said this).

I don’t really know why I’m waffling so much but I really am just so stuck? :(

Really sorry to hear that your going through this OP just hold tight until Sept, move out and get as far away from them all as possible

It’s not running away for my our problems, it’s building a life for yourself

Of course you need a hug, that's terrible. Have they always dealt with emotions in a tough way?

Sending you hugs aplenty 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

@Graphistra I really hope you are now getting the support you need with the agoraphobia. I was agoraphobic for a decade (late teens to late twenties) and I wasn't sure I'd ever get out of it. But gradually, step by step, I did. I'm now 35 and am so glad to have my freedom.

@ThirdThoughts thank you. Unfortunately not getting support really. Mh services here are crap. Plus it's really complicated. This is my 5th bout and each bout lasts longer.

Hello Dangermouse, I'm going to echo what others have said and send you many many hugs

My family did this to me a lot when I was growing up, any kind of emotional upset they would go on the attack and label me as "too sensitive". It's taken me a few years but I've come to understand that being "too sensitive" is not a fault but one of my best qualities - I have empathy in spades!!!

I would totally suggest you look at finding a shared house you could move into, I made some of my best friends house sharing and I get on better with my family by having some distance between us. And it's a good compromise of moving out while still saving money.

It is sad when family are not the support that we would wish, and it is different to how you hear about other families. But please don't blame yourself or feel bad for having these feelings - you've been through a tough year and it sounds like you're doing really well to pick things up already by finding a new job.

A couple of books I've found helpful - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents - both by Lindsay Gibson.

Move out asap and get some distance from your family. They sound pretty toxic and they're certainly not helping your MH.

And please do make plans to travel and do all sorts of different things with your one precious life - it's not running away, it's having experiences.

You say you can't move because you're saving for a deposit but I think that your mental health comes before buying a property. Rent and get out. And you're only 24; you've got time to save.

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages everyone 💛 I feel much better hearing other people’s point of view!
I decided to take a bit of a plunge and sign up for a workers holiday abroad this summer for 5 weeks. Thought I might as well do something that excites me with all my time off! I’ve had both vaccinations and I can quarantine when back if I need to. I have not been so excited for anything in a long time. Have no idea why I’m terrified to tell my parents though when I’m 24, I know exactly how it’ll go!

Oh well done! That'll be a great experience.

Don't tell your family too soon as they will deflate and undermine you. Only tell them if and when you really have to.

Tell supportive friends who will be excited for you to buoy you up.

aww thank you! 🥰 I’m sooooo excited and want to start preparing but the thought of telling the parents is really bringing it down (which is silly considering my age) I just know the reaction I’ll get eg I’m being irrational/running away from my problems. I told one friend who is super excited for me though

Had a family gathering this weekend and I thought I did quite well/tried to socialise etc etc. Still managed to hear my family talking about me last night 😢

The workers holiday sounds great! And definitely moving out, even if you wait till September. Don’t stay living with your family so you can save up a house deposit, it’s not worth your mental health.

Have a few stock phrases ready -when you tell them and just keep repeating them "it's such a great opportunity" - "I'll learn so much" and refuse to engage with any negativity.

Then as PP have said plan to move out as soon as you can.

Good for you OP, that kind of experience can be the making of a person.

Also, going into a rented house share at your age is perfectly normal, and probably the best thing for you, given how unsupportive your family is. You don't need to stay in a toxic environment just because you think you ought to be on the property ladder.

That sounds a great idea, and you'll get so much out of the experience too !

Maybe you can help to 'minimize' the negative reaction you expect from your family by altering your own language ?

i.e. Say ''Hey parents, I've had a fantastic offer of 5 weeks working abroad over the summer ! Isn't it great ? It will keep me busy and earning money while I have summer nights on the Costa del Sol beaches !''
If you sound very positive and excited, hopefully their moaning will be more 'detail' focused ? e.g How are you going to manage to get your passport in time/ somewhere to stay etc etc, which you can have the answers ready for.

It sounds like your parents are more 'old school' where the only thing to be done with any MH issue is 'pull your socks up and get on with it'.
If that's the case, you'll need to refrain from having any sort of 'deep/personal' conversations with them, and choose to confide in friends or other relatives who have more 'enlightened' ideas about MH issues.

I'd also be advising you to move out as soon as you've started your new job. You have enough saved to pay a deposit and you could flat-share with a friend to cut costs too. ( Or you could do what I did when I was your age, and rent a 2 bed flat and advertise the spare room for rent at 2/3 to 3/4 of the whole rent. This meant I could still save money for a deposit.)

Enjoy your summer in the sun and your new job when you return, hopefully refreshed and happier !

I did it guys... and they didn’t kick off!! They just asked sensible questions about travel, restrictions etc.
Something to be excited about now 🌞🥳

Yesterday I was speaking to my mum about going for drinks with a friend and some other people and she said “I dont think you should. He has a girlfriend and your sisters have said to me you talk to him all the time in your room”.
First of all I’ve never called him so have no idea where that’s come from. But second of all this is not the first time my mum has said things like “your sisters have heard you on the phone to so and so” “they have heard you say XYZ on the phone”.

Am I right in thinking I should be able to call friends etc without my convos being listened to, and not being spoken about behind my back?! Is it their business at all?? This has happened quite a few times and honestly I’m quite sick of it now, I am 24

It sounds like your parents are keeping you in the 'child' role. They can't accept that you are an adult making your own decisions.
So what if you did want to talk to someone who has a girlfriend. That's your issue to deal with.
You are a grown woman but covid has forced a lot of adults back into the 'child' role and it causes problems.
Work to get your independence back. You don't say what ages the other siblings are. Often siblings take on a 'role' in the family as well and some can side with each other to please the parents or one parent. They do this without being that aware of that dynamic.
Yeah families, it ain't easy! I think being a young adult child living back at home is one of the hardest places to be, you are neither a kid nor are you an independent adult.

I think sadie9 has a point.

I remember being back home after lived away for a few years and my parents being fine with much younger sister being at a mixed sleep over yet me in my early 20s having one evening out having arranged transport there and back was a huge bloody problem and had sulks trying to make me not go.

It's carried on into independent adulthood - was really bad when our kids were young and even now they'll occaonally have issues with us doing things - and I'm 40 married home owning completely independent adult with teenagers.

Physically and emotional distance - would be my advice work to get them and be wary of what your siblings know and have stock phrases to brush concerns off.

Dunno if I’m being oversensitive but I’m really upset today. It’s Father’s Day and I had the idea of taking my dad (and obvs my siblings) for lunch or dinner. I woke up this morning and my 2 siblings had taken my dad out for breakfast.. is it just me that finds it weird that I didn’t get invited seeing as its fathers day? I would never have dreamed of taking him out today without at least asking them along too..
I always feel so left out, they always post pictures of family events etc but without me and never include me. Even their Father’s Day posts were lots of photos of those 3 from over the years, none of me.

I’m probably being super over sensitive but I don’t know

Your sisters sound horrible. I’m so sorry.

I just feel so useless and not given a shit about really ☹️

Glad to read that you have a workers holiday abroad soon. You need to get away from them.

I would certainly concur with the previous advice given to move out and asap. These people are unkind and no you are not being too bloody sensitive here either. What does being too sensitive mean anyway?. Its a trumped up charge often levelled at one of the adult children of the toxic parents when the parents are at fault. Your parents have and continue to emotionally neglect you here.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your role here appears to be the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Your parents created this dynamic between you all as siblings and have further encouraged it through words and deeds.

Agree with attila

They have cast you as the scapegoat.

I think I would arrange to move out asap op. Even if renting means it will be hard to buy for a long time. At least you will not be in the company of people who are actively belittling you and will probably sabotage your efforts at happiness.

You could rent a room from somewhere as a lodger and then everything will be cheaper too. You might even make a few new friends from it.

But well done on the holiday plans! They sound fab!

I agree with above.

Move out of that house as soon as you can.

Your sister sounds pure nasty and your parents not much better.

Get out of that house and put some distance between you.

They are not good for your mental health and you need to focus on doing everything you can to live your best independent life.

Tell them next to nothing about what you are doing except I am happy and well.

I think with distance you will feel better.

Anyone would feel low if they lived in a house and were treated so poorly.

Let them crack on without you
You sound really great.
Best of luck on the work holiday.