Am I in the wrong here? Relationship with parents

[dangermouse707]

Hi 👋🏻

I’m 24, living at home with parents. I’ve had a really tough year with break ups, losing my job etc. Luckily I have a new one lined up. At the moment I’m finding it really hard to get out of bed etc as I feel like everything is falling under my feet.

I have a strained relationship with my siblings in particular. It’s a weird one but I always feel nervous around them, and we are very different people - I feel like we will never really get on very well and they get very irritated by me because I’m much more of an introvert than them. They say I don’t really have much personality etc.

I’m finding recently, where I’ve been feeling so down, that they’re picking up on this and I’m hearing my family bitch about me being moody etc. This happens a lot. Tonight I broke down in tears because I feel so down, feel like I have irrepairable relationships with my family, and just generally feel like a waste of space and got little reaction. Not even a hug. My mum told me “no wonder I clash with everyone” because I’m so difficult. And my dad goes off on one, laughing about me trying to label myself as depressed. He outwardly said I’m not, and I need to stop “wallowing in my own self-pity”, giving myself false labels, and that I’m a very negative person who just needs to “lighten up” and “see what you have got rather than what you haven’t”. He got really sarcy with me and laughed a lot at things I was saying, also saying everyone else has it a lot worse than I have and to get over it. (He also disagrees that mental health is a thing, and all labels are wrong lol).

The night basically ended with dad walking off saying I’m not depressed and it’s an attention thing, and mum saying I need to grow up and stop putting my problems on everyone else.
I am trying so hard but life has been hard and I am struggling. But when I try and better myself eg I said I want to move out, or go abroad for a while, have a fresh start and be free, they laugh and say I’m stupid because it’s “me running away from my problems”.

I just feel like in a complete rut. I feel like a complete waste of space, clashing with everyone and yet feel so restricted. I’ll be honest I don’t really want to wake up in the morning but I can’t say this because it’s “attention seeking” (I got laughed at when I said this).

I don’t really know why I’m waffling so much but I really am just so stuck? :(

Get a plan together with the aim to move out and you'll be so free

I studied abroad for a while and it had a huge, positive impact on my confidence. It's a bit about doing something that scares you a bit, and finding out you can cope, and a lot about being away from the judgement of people who know you and have mentally stuck you in a box.

I hope your working holiday does the same for you.

At your age, not tied down to a mortgage or serious relationship, it's the perfect time to do something like this. You may never be as free as you are now, much as it might not feel like that right now.

I said this to a friend who was living with parents, hated her job and was often unhappy.

A few weeks later she resigned to join the merchant navy, travelled the world, often as the only female crew member, had an amazing time then when she'd had enough of that she became a croupier. Please have your own adventure!

Totally agree with having a plan to move out.

I have heard about an organisation called Share and Care - they link up a lodger and an elderly / disabled person and in return for an up front agreed amount of support to the elderly / disable person, the lodger gets a reduced rent. The support can be things like shopping, cooking a certain number of meals. I have no direct experience of this but have heard reports on TV / radio which seem very positive. Might be worth a bit of investigation

Have a wonderful trip !

Catch a hug, OP. You sound lovely.
I have a dd your age. She moved out a long time ago but I'd have her home in a heartbeat if she needed a place to stay. Your working holiday sounds fabulous. I hope you enjoy it and get away from your toxic family very soon.

Oh wow thank you so much everyone ❤️ I feel really teary today and feel like I have reached the end of my teather so I really needed to read all those, thank you all.
Am just so so fed up of feeling like the useless spare part feeling like a housemate rather than a sibling etc, and always being spoken about

Have you any friends you could go visit between now and going abroad?

They are being so unkind and I agree you seem to be the family scapegoat.

Oh OP. I feel you. My mother actually booked a night away with my dad so that I couldn't take him out to lunch one father's Day. Yes she's really that much of a.bitch.

However that was years ago, I havent actually spoken to them in over 12 years and the relationship was very stressful before then. I moved out at 18 and did whatever it took to just survive.

I don't think you can change them. They sound horrible, the only thing you can do us change yourself, by getting the fuck out of their reach.

Seriously OP. Saving for a house is NOT more important than getting out of their grip. Once you're away, you'll see the FOG lift (fear obligation guilt)

Wow, that’s a bit off of your siblings to take your Dad out without you. Did you get up really late?

Was there not a discussion before today about what the plans were?

I would be asking everyone why they would do that - it seems really unkind. He’s your Dad too!

However, it’s good you have exciting plans for the Summer. Focus on that and then when you start work you can plan on moving out.
Other than that, I think I would confront your siblings as to why they treat you so roughly.

Oh i really feel for you, your house/family sound oppressive
BUT you have your working holiday which will be great. Maybe its going to be somewhere with bad reception so those emotional vampires can't bring you down....

Are you an animal person? Could you try borrow my doggy or cinnamon trust, dogs give you cuddles no matter what so might make you feel a bit more loved.

The constant talking about you is so nasty.

It would drag anyone down.

Look hard at your options and start going through your stuff so that you can move quickly.

You are worth more than staying in that house and being the scapegoat, the one they can verbally kick to make themselves feel better. It isn't you, it is them. Family are meant to pull you up not put you down.

Look into a house share or becoming a lodger, no amount of saving up is worth this. Stop telling them things about your life, make plans to get out. The father's day thing was horrible but I wouldn't show I was bothered by it. It is what they want, they want you to complain so that they can talk about it.

@dangermouse707 hugs to you.
I know how you feel when my mum died 3 years ago so many people came to the wake and said to my dad I didn't know you had 3 daughters and me standing beside him as if I wasn't upset enough but for people to be so rude to say they didn't know I existed just because I am quiter than the rest.
Hope your summer job goes well and maybe you can stay away and make a new life

You sound lovely, and I think you're going to do just fine, with or without your familty supporting you. You said you made some great friends at uni - so you can go through life making great friendships which will give you the support that a family would if they were so minded. You will thrive and be happy and achieve, and your family will watch from the sidelines and see they were very wrong. They may or may not admit it, they may or may not change their behaviousr. But you will be happy and succeeding either way.

Yeah, that's really horrible of them. You need to remove yourself from this unit. Have your individual relationships with them but try to avoid being with them all together. It's a horrible thing that can happen in families and the dynamics are not good for you.

I know this is so often said but try to take it on-board - it really is them, not you that's the problem. There's nothing you can do about how they behave and it only reflects badly on them. You aren't the one behaving badly and excluding others.

Also, you don't need your families approval to do anything. Do you have nice supportive friends?

Your family sounds toxic OP tbh, I haven't read all the replies but looked at your posts. They are talking about you behind your back, excluding you on fathers day, belittling you and infantalising you and they all sound rather pathetic. They are trampling on your boundaries as an adult and invading your privacy and trying to control your life. This is without a doubt going to impact on your mental health. I hate to put an added downer on things but it also puts you at risk of having toxic relationships in the future as an adult because this is 'what you're used to'. Luckily by posting on here, you can start to look into your family dynamics and realise how unhealthy it is. I wish I'd known what you know now at 24. Your family make you feel like shit. I second everyone else's suggestions about moving out and making yourself as independent as possible but until you can do that, your trip away sounds like the best thing you can do right now. Thank god you posted on here about things and you've had some fabulous advice from people. Life will get better for you, believe in yourself. Virtual hug from me