June 2021 - Well we took you to Stately Homes...

[Sicario]

June 2021, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Picking up from previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4182916-March-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread?pg=39

Forerunning threads since December 2007 are linked on the previous threads if you want to click back and have a look.

This thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

I would leave their house today. You cannot protect yourself let alone your son from this abusive man. A few weeks of this will destroy you both. Your son and you are both being verbally abused by your father. Remaining there out of duty and or because your mother is unwell are no reasons or even a basis to stay there. Also your mother has got what she wants out the relationship she has with your father and has remained with him for her own reasons. She has not protected you from him in the past.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would leave their house today. You cannot protect yourself let alone your son from this abusive man. A few weeks of this will destroy you both. Your son and you are both being verbally abused by your father. Remaining there out of duty and or because your mother is unwell are no reasons or even a basis to stay there. Also your mother has got what she wants out the relationship she has with your father and has remained with him for her own reasons. She has not protected you from him in the past.

If I could, I would but she is incredibly ill and I cannot leave her right now. I'm planning for the kids to go away with other relatives for a week, so that will help. My DM did keep him in check much more when we were younger. It's as we got older & he realised that he was losing control that he got worse. She is too ill to play that role anymore & old age/dementia is exacerbating his behaviour further.

Hi everyone. Newbie here. I dont have the strength to tell my full story yet, just enough to let you know ive finally gone NC with Narc ( and horribly abusive) mum and brother. Final straw came when I was told i had to stop feeling sorry for myself because I had grade3 breast cancer, people die every day and my mum wasnt going to mollycoddle me or be nice because she wouldnt be doing me any favours.
After 2 weeks of relative peace i recieved a horrible text from my brother( i had blocked him on everything but had forgotten about wattsapp as i never use it and didnt have him on it)saying I was playing the cancer card, i was a horrible person who expected sympathy and if i didnt come back and say sorry i would regret it. He said other vile, horrible things and i was shaking and crying by the end of the message. DH took phone off me, deleted and blocked. Now im absolutely terrified they will turn up at my house. The last 2 weeks have dragged up so much pain and hurt and sadness. I was always the scapegoat, the whipping post and i have never ever asserted any boundaries before. I was also the only person who did anything practical for the family( shopping, DIY, admin, gardening, hospital apps and vists) and I know now theres no one to do that. The guilt is awful, although i 100 percent know its not my fault. Looking for a handhold and just advice from you guys whove been through this and come out the other side. Thanks.

@Redannie118 Oh honey, that's horrible. How dare they treat you like that. Blocking and moving on is the best for you as you need to focus on yourself and your health.

Redannie

So sorry they did this to you and would certainly have nothing more to do with them going forward. Deal with any and all feelings of fear, obligation and guilt (which is totally misplaced) through therapy; you need to find a therapist skilled in recovery from narcissistic abuse.

purplebatbear

I would also urge you to go with your kids. Your mother has remained with this man for her own reasons and so she's never fully managed to protect you all from him. I presume also your dad has no interest in looking after his wife.

Abusive narcissists do get worse with age and I would not also prescribe any of his behaviour now to dementia. He was once young and abusive and now he is old and abusive. Protect yourself and your children from this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat @purplebatbear thank you. I did have some therapy when i first got my cancer diagnosis last year. I have a rare autoimmune disease( Systemic Sclerosis) that means i have had horrific complications( including lung damage that has resulted in needing powerful immune suppressants to try and save my lungs) third degree burns from radiotherapy and some extremely difficult treatment options. I was appointed a therapist who told me I had complex PTSD from my childhood and ongoing abuse but talked about it with me a little but she really had to stick with helping me cooe with the medical stuff. Ive self harmed badly in the past due to the abuse and im so worried im relapsing. After a phone call 2 weeks ago where i was called every name under the sun because i tearfully asked for a little sympathy my love DH had to stand against a wall for an hour holding my head against his shoulder so i couldnt smash it against the wall. My body is not well enough to cope with me self harming as well as the other stuff its got going on

Update: sorry I didn't come back sooner I've just needed a bit of time to process and think logically.

I did meet my parents at the weekend and it was all very civil. Mainly because I was careful what I said but they were also very careful.

They both refuse to get help/have counselling as @AttilaTheMeerkat predicted. I told them they had emotionally blackmailed me into giving them what they wanted and that they better think very carefully about what they ask of me from now on. I told them they needed to understand what they had put on my shoulders (threatening suicide). They were only concerned with seeing my son. I have said that this can only be in public places and no longer at my home. They never see my son alone, I don't even leave him to nip to the loo, he is well protected.

So I guess they've won.

They did apologise but once again it was a "sorry for everything we have done but we don't know what we've done and whatever has upset you hasn't been intentional". So, not an apology really...

My husband wants to consider NC or very LC if they don't make significant changes. He feels very protective of me and DS.

Mummyoply

Was wondering how you got on.

I would seriously consider what your DH has said here re going no contact. They won't go to therapy nor did they give you any sort of an apology.

Your parents only want to see your son (not you or your DH) to basically try and steal his heart and mind from under your very noses. Even if he is closely supervised by you emotional harm (a mean look or a pinch) will happen right in front of your very eyes. Do not let that happen!. Protect your son from these people, he will thank you for doing so. You yourself have been harmed by these people; toxic parents more often than not turn out to be toxic as grandparents too.

How do you think they've won?. They haven't won and you still have the power for them not to see your son. I would keep your parents well away from him.

They have not changed and they will not change. These people are not willing to go to therapy, apologise or want the necessary help

They are still more than happy to blame you for their inherent ills and they really do think they've done nothing wrong here with regards to you.

You would undoubtedly have not tolerated any of this from a friend, your parents are no different.

Extending a very warm welcome to all the newcomers to this thread. You will find understanding and support here. We are all free to speak openly and frankly about our feelings and experiences, some of which are horrific.

Our abusers will never apologise for their words and actions. They are incapable of it. They are unable to accept any responsibility for their behaviour or for the fall-out because of it. There is absolutely no point in trying to reason with them or trying to make them see the damage they have done.

Cutting toxic people out of your life is the first step in recovery.

Would you let these people into your life were you not related to them? Would you let anyone else treat you so badly? That's a big fat NO from me and I only wish I had gone NC a long time ago rather than constantly trying to fix the unfixable and bend myself to their dysfunctional behaviour. Total waste of time and caused me nothing but heartache and upset.

So welcome aboard to all you newbies, and sending love and solidarity to all the regulars too.

The ending to this conversation will ring some bells, I'm sure.
My father is going into hospital tomorrow for an elective surgery and I was going to take him, and pick him up for the home journey the next day. The next day, however, there would be a chance of me being called into work, but DH would still be able to drive him home.
I was planning to take my husband with me both journeys because I don't want to be alone with him. He's difficult, but that's all for another thread.
He called me yesterday, saying that he wanted to be collected by, "Just you." He said that, because of bubbles (now non-existent) even just me taking him would be, and I kid you not, "Breaking the law."
I questioned this and said that, if he was worried about bubbles, even though I didn't think they were a thing any more, and with the possibility of Mr Turnitoffandon having to do the homeward journey, maybe Father would feel better with Mr Turnitoffandon doing the outward journey, too.
This is where the conversation becomes so typical and recognisable that I couldn't just find this thread and run.
Him: "It's all right. I'll find someone else to take me".
Me: "No, that's not necessary because we can..."
Him: "No, I'll call Jeremy."
He puts phone down.

@Turnitoffandon - leave him to his own devices. Let him call Jeremy and make alternative arrangements.

Hey Stately Homers. Was advised to drop in here so I am doing (thanks, Attila). Not going to write up the whole backstory because I have a tendency to wear out keyboards, but my previous threads are here and here. I have an extremely controlling and occasionally violent mother.

It's edifying to not be alone, although I wish family abuse were more uncommon.

And yeah, let him call Jeremy. They very frequently do have a Jeremy, they just like you to feel you are all they have in the entire world.

@Mummyoply they haven’t won - that win and lose comes from a family dynamic of all or nothing that you grew up with and that’s not your dynamic. You’ve made a brilliant family with your son and husband - prioritise them. Good on you for trying to make an effort and realising it’s pointless. We have a lot of kindness in us, but sometimes kindness isn’t reciprocated and is exploited.

@TirisfalPumpkin
Is your Jeremy on a hotline to my Jeremy? I’m glad you’ve found your pack - it’s here. This group has kept me sane. Your mother sounds like a freaking nightmare - I’m increasingly seeing some people’s choice of career in the caring professions and their caring roles in families as control and self-healing. All the pennies are dropping and I recognise EVERYTHING you say. Keep sharing and talking.

So, over at MonkeyTowers I’ve avoided The Hag since last Thursday when I went off to my mum’s with the joyful reunification of the family that puts the fun into dysfunctional. We are by no means perfect.

However, last time I looked around I didn’t see the kind of Hag model in my family.

Mr Monkey joins us on Friday after work. He doesn’t ring The Hag all weekend - the new regime, she HATES not having a daily call - so the first call is this evening. Joy. I no longer join in the misery club on speaker but was opening a bottle of wine for MM in the kitchen so he could ‘refresh’ after the call.

Total misery.
I never go anywhere,.
I’m lonely.
I hate shopping.

Context: during lockdown, she couldn’t go to Tesco and was so furious about it that it sounded like she was missing out on a Fucking trolley dash down Dubai Duty Free. She now goes shopping with the Stockholm Syndrome disabled Brother In Law three times a week rather than the pre lockdown five to six days a week. FFS.

As The Smiths sang ‘stop me if you’ve heard this before’

Sorry I must vent. Yet again.

On and on and ON it goes. She’s clearly furious that we’ve had a brilliant time away (MM, I notice, always underplays it but, hey, fair dos)

I’m off to the Lake District tomorrow on a last minute family jaunt. I bet she loved that.

‘Well, I don’t go on holiday.’

I’m clocking up the air miles, bitch.

In our debrief, just 1 bottle of wine, MM now realises she NEVER wishes us ‘have a nice time’ when we go away EVER - the extent of it is ‘light a candle for me’ (Catholic guilt inducing invasion of a Greek island hol) frankly, I’d now build a bonfire for the witch…(not in Greece , but on a small damp Scottish island)

She uses the phone for control. Because she was SO livid about our treacherous weekend with the family (not seen for two years) she rang FOUR times this evening on different premises, but all deeply connected to one son (MM) not doing what she wants e.g. a) capitulating to her absolute control and b) his binning of me. And just RAGE. From god knows where - her coercive narcissist soul. Today her phone ‘didn’t work properly’ so she needed MM to ring BIL (MM as accessory to control - ohh just got it she needs a flying monkey) so BIL could ring The Hag.

Really. I had this bullshit the other week when she rang me and I closed it down. MM now clocks this game.

And now MM now sees all the whining as designed to control him through guilt. He doesn’t feel guilty, but he feels depressed. He grasped what I said about deliberately introducing negative emotions (code for abuse, kids) whether guilt or sadness as ‘Control’.

He’s become more emotionally literate over the years. He’s hugely , hugely empathetic (god knows how after his childhood), but never really saw the light. He’s seeing it now and The Hag knows it and HATES the loss of her power.

@TirisfalPumpkin the abuse by older parents is HORRIBLE now and in the place it throws you back to. MM has no doubt that The Hag would beat him to a pulp if he was 8 and she wasn’t an infirm 82 year old. It’s just bubbling under the surface. HORRIBLE.

A far wiser person on here described how these abusers up the ante when they see control slipping out of their finger tips and can’t get their own way. The Hag has certainly got worse as she knows her claws aren’t sinking into me and my partner and because of her infirmity she can’t invade my brother in law’s house by getting on a bus to his house at 5.30am. In her recent infirmity we were deemed the replacement Hag DayCare but we refused. @TirisfalPumpkin your mum might be having a similar tantrum? The loss of control?

Writing it all down here, reading people’s stories helps me so much and I pass on my learning to MM who’s lived with this shit for 50 years. Ffs.

Onwards good people who were taken to Stately Homes, but preferred the adventure playground.

Yeah, quite possibly it is a loss-of-control freakout - she can be very nice when she is getting her own way, but the moment something happens outside her plan, she goes nuclear. I suspect that, like me, she's on the autism spectrum. I don't deal with change well either, but I've sought out a diagnosis, understood why I'm like that and try to be self-aware enough not to be a complete arsehole about it. I know that's my oddity and other people having needs / things changing at short notice are features of the world at large, rather than a calculated affront designed to ruin my day.

Your 'hag' sounds like a complete joy sink. I think often these nasty elders are depressed - but they don't recognise it, certainly do anything about it, they just weaponise it as yet another nasty pointy hag claw to hurt their families.

Enjoy the Lakes! Absolutely beautiful weather for it.

These types are depressed because they are both angry and abusive, not because they are depressed. Its always everyone else's fault in their world, never their own.

I would also not assume your mother is on any ASD spectrum particularly if undiagnosed. She has in any case never sought nor actually wanted to seek the necessary help.

Hi, new to this thread. Reading your stories to give myself courage to confront my mother although I don't know whether her behaviour counts as narcissistic really or whether she is just an alcoholic.

She's alcohol dependent and admitted this week that she is constantly searching for a happy medium to drown out her personal sadness but not become abusive. She was emotionally and verbally abusive during my teenage years due to PTSD and depression, exacerbated by alcohol and occasionally physically abusive. We have eventually re-established a close relationship after I walked out at 17 but it has boundaries and I like knowing my car is present and I can leave at any time. While drunk this week, she admitted to driving drunk multiple times with children in the car previously and said she had no intention to stop drinking but said she'd decided never to drive drunk again. She also said she didn't care what I or my siblings thought, she wasn't planning to stop drinking or cut back. We are on holiday together and she has been drunk every night this week - up to three bottles of wine an evening.

I'm expecting my first. Her sudden rages and unpredictability are increased by alcohol so I don't trust her for childcare. She's very strong minded and I hate confrontation, I'm scared of her drunk to be honest. She doesn't listen, minimises what other people tell her and shouts and screams when crossed. We manage to get on most of the time but the whole family bend round her moods and demands. She expects to be doing childcare 1 day per week and be massively involved. My family acknowledge she was abusive but the one I'm closest to think I'm being manipulative and horrible to deny her childcare responsibilities.

I'm dreading the moment I have to confront her about childcare. No idea whether to do it now or wait until baby is old enough for childcare to be imminent. Her mental health is poor (admitting previous suicide attempts), I love her and don't want to hurt her. I know communicating this decision is going to really hurt her. Sending support to everyone on this thread.

User

The 3cs re alcoholism are that you did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Your mother has not cared at all about hurting you and frankly she deserves no such consideration from you now or in future. For the love of all that is good, I would urge you to keep your as yet unborn child well away from your mother going forward. If your mother is too toxic/difficult/abusive for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your child too. You need to stay away from her, with you out of the frame she will likely then turn on the others. You have to let go of any and all residual help that she will change.

Find paid and professional childcare if you need this, don't leave your most precious resource here i.e your child with her!.

Do you have a husband or partner?. What are his views?. What are his parents like?.

Can you come home early; honestly being on holiday with a drunk is utter misery. Tiptoeing around her as you have and continue to do is not working and only prolonging your own agonies. Drop the rope she holds out to you and step away from the merry go around that is her alcoholism and abusive behaviour.

Remaining in any form of contact with her does you no favours and leaves a door open that should be closed. You likely only get on with her because you like the rest of the family bend to her wills and demands too. Enabling behaviour gives you only a false sense of control and helps no-one.

You love her because she is your mother but she has never been the mother you perhaps still want or wish her to be. She becoming sober and or apologising fulsomely for what she did to you is not going to happen ever. Her primary relationship is with drink and to her the drink comes first. Her thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. You do not figure on her priority list, her priority is alcohol.

Re your comment:-
"My family acknowledge she was abusive but the one I'm closest to think I'm being manipulative and horrible to deny her childcare responsibilities."

Ignore these the flying monkeys and particularly the person who thinks you're being so called manipulative and horrible to deny her childcare responsibility. This person is denying your truth. Would this person really use your mother for any sort of childcare, likely not so why is it seemingly ok for you?. It is not. Your mother is a drunkard and abusive to boot!. She is no fit person to be around you in any fashion let alone any children. Toxic parents more often than not turn out to be toxic as grandparents too, she has not changed in all these years and she has no desire to address the root causes behind her alcoholism. Its far easier for her to make you the scapegoat and blame you.

Save your own self and leave her behind. Would urge you also to get support for your own self re your mother's alcoholism, in this respect Al-anon are worth contacting. Do also read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, there is a section in there about alcoholic parents.

@ User27569 3 bottles of wine a night?! That's serious problem. There is very little else as selfish as an alcoholic in full bloom. My father was one as was my first true boyfriend who I lived with for 18 months. Bf was lovely when sober but was mean and unkind when drinking and ultimately could not be 'saved'. You cannot help or save them unless they want to change and seek professional help.

As for when to raise the childcare issue, don't feel under pressure about when. Unless you want to do it now, use the time to withdraw, ready for low and preferably no contact. Of course you are scared of confronting her - unpredictable rages are frightening. Seek your own therapy to cope with doing that and learn how to stand up for yourself both to your mother and siblings/extended family. Of course no one in the family wants you to rock the boat as then they will be in the firing line.

Your mother is not entitled to any access to your child, even if she not dangerous it would be your choice. Attila is right, walk away, save yourself and protect your child. It will be hard but eventually just a relief.

Thank you both for your replies. I'll look at that book and think about contacting Al-Anon.

My DH is supportive and we've already agreed she is not to be left unsupervised with DC at any time and professional childcare is our only option. DH's parents are also not suitable for childcare.

It is a serious problem. She goes on the wagon for weeks at a time but I feel very responsible for her as I live closest, my sibling is NC and she was widowed recently. The drinking was an issue throughout my teenage years and she seemed to improve for a while. Her mental health has deteriorated after being widowed and the alcohol is a crutch. Given she's admitted to previous suicidal thoughts, I am scared to go NC as when sober she can be nice. That is within the context of her underlying narcissistic behaviour which is better now I don't live with her, have better boundaries etc. She hasn't changed though and I'm under no illusion that will suddenly become a good grandparent.

I suppose I'm worried that the inevitable childcare conversation (and it is inevitable - we have decided this we just can't work out when to tell her) will push her over the edge into full blown alcoholism or suicidal plans which is why I am so reluctant. This holiday was a mistake and I will not be repeating the experience.

Your decision not to use her for childcare is sound. You would also not push her over the edge by doing so, she seems to be already over the edge and you are not responsible for the actions or choices of another person. She is an alcoholic who has used rages and suicide as a threat against you for years, she is a very manipulative person to be at all around. You should not be aprons her at all, let alone a child.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Your boundaries still need working on because you went on holiday with her. I presume you felt obligated to do so. I would also urge you to find a BACP therapist well versed in narcissistic abuse and recovery to work with.

My plan is to detach from my elderly parents today. I don't want to include my reasoning in this thread, but I please need some practical advice. We are in the UK (England).
They are in their 70s (mother) 80s (father) and own their own house which will slowly fall into disrepair as they become less mobile.
I am an only, middle-aged child. I have no savings, a mortgage, a happy family of my own, and my husband and I work full time. Any disposable income we have seems to be ploughed straight back into our house. When DD1 enters higher education in 3 years' time we will have to sell the house and downsize to try and fill the gap left by the loans, which don't extend to covering everything (parents are expected to contribute some of the costs of tuition and living).
I do not know my parents' financial situation but they are certainly not extravagant with money. They reference how their house is their legacy to me and my children every other conversation. Today, if they mention it, I will tell them that what they do with my 'inheritance' is entirely up to them and I cannot control what they do with it so it does not affect my decision to detach.
My parents' health is starting to decline. They have no other family (they do, but these family members have broken contact over the years). My detachment will mean that they are alone, with declining health, in a house that will become less manageable for them.
I feel that, morally, I need to detach with some care provision for them. For example, my father is currently recovering from a surgery, and my mother has medical needs but doesn't drive. But I cannot afford to pay for care. Think living off a credit card until payday "can't pay".
Is there any service that I can put in place for them? I am almost certain my father would be furious that I did this and immediately cancel the provision, but I am learning, very late in the day, that I cannot control his responses.
Thank you, Mumsnetters x

Is your father recovering from surgery at home or hospital @advicesponge? Reason I ask is there are nhs rehab places or sort of care homes designed to be half way houses between hospital and home care, especially when the person has complex medical needs. It was presented to my family by ITU doctors as an option for my late father, he never made it out of the ITU so I can’t comment on what the care is like. But could be an option?

There are a few volunteer/ charity groups that might help? Might be some local ones to you too, but I think the royal voluntary service can come around and do small tasks, food shop or help with a task? Not sure about upkeep and maintenance of a house though.

"I feel that, morally, I need to detach with some care provision for them"

From what you write about your dad he is indeed unlikely to accept anything you put forward for them so be prepared.

You could contact the likes of Age UK for further advice and your parents council borough to request a needs assessment. This gives more information:-

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/needs-assessment?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkc_i0ZGw8gIVF8PVCh1XZg9dEAAYASAAEgIdifD_BwE