I ve had enough of DH- or am I in the wrong?

[Lucaslucas1612]

My head is messed up and I am not sure if I am in the wrong or not. I've lost sight of what's reasonable or not I think. DH and I have always had quite a fiery relationship and we are both argumentative. We used to have big arguments even before we married. Looking back I feel like I should have seen the signs that we aren't compatible. We just think differently and go through periods where we just don't get on.

However, since lockdown #1 the period of not getting on has been long and I feel like I might have reached the end. We bicker about so many things, most of which are petty. I ask him to just let things slide and not comment on everything that annoys him, which I try and do, but no, he just can't seem to help himself so we fall out. He's very defensive and I can't say anything without a comeback but unfortunately I think I am the same too.

I am just exhausted by the constant argument of who does what around the house, who works the hardest etc. He puts all this down to how many hours we have done rather than how productive you might be or the mental load someone has. In his eyes he has a stressful job and does a few things around the house, ds bedtime and can't fit anything else in. In my mind I am juggling much more and although I only work part time and study this has to be done within school hours whereas he has a full working day. I do 90% of the unpaid work around the house. This is the argument we have whenever I ask him to do anything. During lockdown it highlighted to me how selfish he is. I was trying to juggle a masters, part time work and home schooling two children. I nearly lost my mind. In fairness he did step up in some ways but I just find him so about himself and unreliable. I asked him to do some of the home schooling so I could do some hours work and he did but I would get home and hardly anything would be done and I would have to do the organising of resources and highlight what to do etc. It ended up being more work for me as more often than not I would have to re-do it anyway. This is typical when I ask him to do something- half a jobs done.

Since the dcs are back at school I am trying to juggle work and a masters. He does none of the school runs so my hours are tight to get things done. I have tried to have a grown up conversation that I need more help but it ended up in an argument. He got me flowers and acknowledged I have a lot on my plate and I thought that meant he would take more on but no it's straight back to normal. I can't rely on him, he lies in bed in the morning 'working' whilst I rush around. Today I asked him to do three household things when I left for the school run, I get home and he's done one of them. The other day I asked him to get going with another task and then when I got back from the school run I would help him blitz it before work, he had moved three chairs. I then ran around doing as much as I could whilst he chatted to a mate who had come over to help him with something too heavy to move then got cross with me when I said I had to get on with work and couldn't help anymore. This is typical of him. He will then say I am not happy, I pick up the two things he hasn't done rather than the one thing he has done so I am nagging and I can't win.

Nothing is ever done to be part of a team, it always has to be praised or have something back. He gets tired very easily and has a stressful job but normally does nothing in the evenings hence why he has lots to do in the am. When I am stressed he says I should do things in the evening, shouldn't go to the gym in the am, which is true as it does then mean I don't start work until 11/11.30. But I feel like he wants me to have no life. This was my life during the second lockdown and my MH suffered. He does have the dcs one day of quite a few weekends so I can do my uni work but again it's begrudgingly and he says if I worked in the evening he wouldn't have to.

Sorry this is long but fundamentally I feel like we just don't see eye to eye about so many issues, household chore divide, bringing up the kids, priorities for spending money, amount of free time at weekends. I am just worn down by the constant petty arguments.

I was with you until you said the bit about not starting work until 11/11.30am. Is this every day? I'm not saying this is unreasonable but this is a good amount of time for you to have for you while you're expecting him to get on with household jobs and his actual job. Does it work for you to go to the gym in the evenings instead?

Also, he should definitely be pulling his weight in the morning and taking his share of school runs. Can you write out a schedule with working hours, household jobs, gym time, studying, school runs etc. and look at how you could re-jig things with him taking on an equal amount of work? This is how I've organised my life and I can now do all the things I want to do. It rarely falls apart but is greatly helped by both of us working from home. I plan everything and we know where we stand every day.

I've kind of ignored that you both argue all the time. Is this only/mainly about the division of labour?

To be honest it sounds like you've been trying to juggle way too much. Can you not pause your Masters study for now? Unless you had a full time stay at home husband, doing a Masters on top of working part time and bringing up kids and helping run the household is just crazy.

Some of the stuff you've said about him does indeed sound selfish but it also seems you like biting off more than you can chew then stressing yourself trying to do an unrealistic burden of tasks and expecting him to prop you up. He certainly cannot absolve himself of family life and needs to pull his weight but I wonder if some of what you describe is also personality differences. E.g. if he's an introvert he may actually need some time to recharge after work and not just dive straight into yet another endless list of tasks after a long hard day.

Have you and husband gone for counselling? This is the time to do it, before things deteriorate further. You'll get a lot of posters swarming in here telling you to leave him since it's easy to say it to a stranger on the Internet when they themselves won't have to deal with the consequences of the divorce and broken family but at the end of the day there are bad patches in all long term relationships with kids and counselling exists for a reason to help with behaviour change to get relationships flourishing again

Yes mainly about the division of Labour and who's done the washing up, how long it takes him to put his clothes away etc. It's petty.

I have tried to discuss a fairer division, I tried to get Wednesdays where I get a brief lie in and he does the kids- it worked for a while but was begrudgingly done and only after an argument. He basically says I want him to do more and he can't/won't so I am the only one getting what I want. He doesn't seem to care I am not happy, I should just suck it up. He has his own business so argues that this takes up all his head space and time and he can't do anymore. I do recognise he has a stressful job and this is allowed for but he thinks that means he does only what he used to do whilst I was a SAHM and he's got used to that. But I work and study now and the balance needs to be changed.

4 times a week i exercise. Yes, I think that is a issue but it really helps my MH, I can't just work 24/7. I have suggested I go earlier and he does the school run, he refuses. In the evening I am exhausted, I teach after school two days a week and the dcs have activities/homework etc the other days. I also have a uni zoom once a week too. By the time the dcs are in bed it's 8 and I don't have the energy.

@SarahDarah

To be honest it sounds like you've been trying to juggle way too much. Can you not pause your Masters study for now? Unless you had a full time stay at home husband, doing a Masters on top of working part time and bringing up kids and helping run the household is just crazy.

Some of the stuff you've said about him does indeed sound selfish but it also seems you like biting off more than you can chew then stressing yourself trying to do an unrealistic burden of tasks and expecting him to prop you up. He certainly cannot absolve himself of family life and needs to pull his weight but I wonder if some of what you describe is also personality differences. E.g. if he's an introvert he may actually need some time to recharge after work and not just dive straight into yet another endless list of tasks after a long hard day.

Have you and husband gone for counselling? This is the time to do it, before things deteriorate further. You'll get a lot of posters swarming in here telling you to leave him since it's easy to say it to a stranger on the Internet when they themselves won't have to deal with the consequences of the divorce and broken family but at the end of the day there are bad patches in all long term relationships with kids and counselling exists for a reason to help with behaviour change to get relationships flourishing again

Yes, it does come down to personality a lot. He has low energy levels and work takes more out of him than the average person. I also appreciate that he earns the money and so I have accepted that I do more to allow him to work as he does. But he's pretty unproductive and disorganised so things take him so much longer. Whereas I like to be busy.

Yes, I have taken on too much. I have tried to see if I can pause my course, enquired during lockdown, but can't. But to be honest I am eager to get back into work. One of the main reasons is when I was a SAHM DH would make lots of comments about how much easier his life is compared to mine, comment if I was watching a bit of TV or met a friend for coffee. He didn't like me not working but he also doesn't like me working as it means he has to do more. I can't win. He looked surprised when I pointed this out as unsurprising he didn't see it this way.

Yes, I wonder if we do need counselling as he just doesn't look at the bigger picture of how I am feeling. He thinks I am just annoyed he hasn't pegged the washing out! The course hopefully finishes at xmas so things will calm didn't but I am concerned about his overall attitude and I will be upping my hours once study finishes anyway.

When I think about it I feel like my life would be easier if we did split up and have 50/50. I would get much more time to myself.

He has low energy levels and work takes more out of him than the average person.

How convenient for him

So you are working full time, have children, are doing a masters, doing after school care, running a house and going to the gym 4 days a week.

You have too much on. You need to cut some other things out before you cut your husband.

When have you time to enjoy anything?

@Candleabra

*He has low energy levels and work takes more out of him than the average person.*

How convenient for him

Why does he have low energy levels? I mean does he have a recognised medical issue or is he just saying that as part of any excuse not to take on more.

@Candleabra

*He has low energy levels and work takes more out of him than the average person.*

How convenient for him

I do think this is genuine, his mother suffers from it too but it's very frustrating and I try to be sympathetic (he would say I am not) but it does have a large impact on our lives. He doesn't help himself either, will order regular take away and go out drinking, be in rarely, which make him worse. He definitely doesn't have the capacity most people have abs along with a stressful job I do think he finds it harder than most and it causes anxiety so I think he almost expects to feel that way so says he needs his down time. But he does use it as an excuse when I see friends DH getting up at 5 to commute to work and then going out in the pm to keep their wives happy. It feels like he doesn't care about my happiness. We have very different every Levels. He moans he doesn't do anything for himself, has no life, but I never stop him going out, have suggested he comes to some exercise classes with me, goes back to football, there is always an excuse.

Not a recognised medical issue but definitely something that runs on the family. He's definitely less capable when it comes to getting on with things than most people. But I do think on some level over the years this has become more of a state of mind and an excuse but he does have anxiety about it.

From reading what you've written it does sound as if you are trying to pack an awful lot into the time you have available. There needs to be a schedule formulated to create a better work/ life balance.
With you taking on study commitments, and you and your Husband are working too, it means you are going to have to scale back things like lie-ins and gym time unless you have managed your other commitments in your schedule.
We have a similar set up, but we've put a schedule together and have clearly defined jobs on the rota. We've also got into the habit of cleaning as we go along... For instance after showering clean the shower, brushing teeth/ makeup etc, wipe around sink, loo whilst still in the bathroom, pop kettle on, wipe around surfaces, sink, steam floor whilst waiting for kettle to boil, and finish off before leaving the kitchen. It's surprising just how much this saves time throughout the day.

Your personalities there's not much anyone can advise on really, as if you have both always been the same before marriage you're not likely to change.

Good luck with your studies though! Who knows if you manage to improve your career prospects by achieving your Masters, you will hopefully earn more, and be able to afford a cleaner! 😃

He doesn't help himself either, will order regular take away and go out drinking, be in rarely, which make him worse.
This doesn't sound like someone with a medical condition (other than laziness). I suspect if his mother was like this it's learned behaviour. Rather like someone being "delicate". It gets him what he wants

I'm sure most people consider they have less energy than they need to service a modern day lifestyle but you get up and get on with it, especially if your behaviour impacts on other people (who are expected to pick up the slack).

He just sounds lazy to me.

@Candleabra

*He doesn't help himself either, will order regular take away and go out drinking, be in rarely, which make him worse.* This doesn't sound like someone with a medical condition (other than laziness). I suspect if his mother was like this it's learned behaviour. Rather like someone being "delicate". It gets him what he wants

I'm sure most people consider they have less energy than they need to service a modern day lifestyle but you get up and get on with it, especially if your behaviour impacts on other people (who are expected to pick up the slack).

Fortunately we have a cleaner, I can't imagine what the house would be like without one. But our dcs are still very young and so there is a lot of extra stuff to do too.

Yes I think his mum definitely enables him, she's into alternate therapies and so he has tried lots of stuff. I do think he is genuine with it but has got in the habit of using it as an excuse too. His body can't handle x, he has to listen to it etc. He definitely lacks the getting on with it but though. I ask him if he thinks I like getting up and doing dcs, school run, washing etc- no! But I have to get on with it. His answer is he's not a morning person but he makes no effort to become one.

I have taken on way too much but even once I finish studying I will be working so the issues need to be balanced. I have tried talking to him about readdressing the balance, he isn't prepared to move on it much. I have noticed he is trying more, he has started cooking more often- but again this creates more work for me as he can't put anything away after himself. Nothing was resolved as he said no- I just want him to do more and expect him to change and it's not a compromise as he's getting nothing. Even if we did I don't think he'd stick to it. I often think he have agreed on something and then he goes back on it and says it was agreed he only said that because I was nagging. This is why nothing changes.

I have tried to talk to him about setting an example to the kids so they become more self sufficient and I feel that my ds is not going to get into the habit of tidying up after himself either.

@Clymene

He just sounds lazy to me.

I wonder if you heard his side you would think so though. This is where I am just mixed up. Typically, he does the bins/recycling every week, does the cat litter tray regularly and does the garden. He washing up when I cook, normally not until the next am, x5 a week. When he cooks he does often wash up too. He takes dc to sports activities on Saturday and Sunday and a regular appointment Ds has mid week am. He will say he does other things like clean the kitchen which he will blitz whereas I will do more of a quick clean. He does ds bedtime every night. He will say he does more hidden jobs but unfortunately I feel he does these rather than prioritising what really needs to be done. He works 9.30/10-5/6 everyday.

I do absolutely everything else. Including taking dc to activities x3 a week and teaching after school twice a week. I work 9-5 once a week and then between school hours the other days of the week most weeks 5 days, sometimes 4. Then have been working at least one day of the weekend doing uni work. Is this lazy for him?

The usual point made on MN is that you should have equal leisure time.
Do you? It sounds from what you've said as though it might be quite equal.
You also started off by saying that you do 90% of the "hidden" work around the house, then you go on to say that DH regularly does the bins, the cat litter, the washing up, he cooks sometimes, he does a thorough clean of the kitchen, he does bedtime and sports activities and looks after the DC for a whole weekend day. And you have a cleaner. And your DC are school age (so not at the age where they need continuous hands on care).
Is he really not doing enough, or are you simply trying to do too much?

Now you've listed what he does plus looking after the DC for one full day each week, he doesn't sound lazy at all. It sounds like you have taken on too much and you need to prioritise.

You are both quite late at getting started in the mornings. Your day ends the same time either way, 8pm when the kids are in bed and you are exhausted, I think if you started your day at 8am , rather than 9.30-11am (except one day) you'd get so much more done and you wouldn't feel so stressed. Presumably the kids are in education from about 8.30am, there is no need for you guys to start so late.

Saying that though, for you, working 24 hours a week (I'm guessing based on your timings) and studying full time, that is way more than a normal working week anyway. What are these evening classes you are teaching? Are they necessary? How long until you graduate.

@UserAtRandom

The usual point made on MN is that you should have equal leisure time. Do you? It sounds from what you've said as though it might be quite equal. You also started off by saying that you do 90% of the "hidden" work around the house, then you go on to say that DH regularly does the bins, the cat litter, the washing up, he cooks sometimes, he does a thorough clean of the kitchen, he does bedtime and sports activities and looks after the DC for a whole weekend day. And you have a cleaner. And your DC are school age (so not at the age where they need continuous hands on care). Is he really not doing enough, or are you simply trying to do too much?

A bit of both, right now I am doing too much, things in the house are starting to slide as I can't do it all. but when I up my working hours I also won't be able to do as much as I did as a SAHM. But he won't step up to even it out more. I want to work, I was bored as a SAHM, he didn't like me being a SAHM but at the same time won't step up to help out more now I am working.

Free time is tricky. I do exercise 4 times a week, he's welcome to do that too but chooses not to. I see friends, go out more in the evening but again he chooses not to. Most of the time we both relax and unwind in the evenings so have that free time but I at the same time most evenings I will be putting a wash on, getting things ready for the next day, tidying, putting clothes away when he's doing nothing. I do lie in Saturday and Sunday when he takes dc to sports. But I get up at 6.45 all week days whereas he won't get up until 8/8.30 and then spends a nice leisurely morning getting shower, getting ready, breakfast etc which is why he runs out of time to get any chores done. Whereas I am out the house by 8 having sorted the dcs etc and back by 10 having exercised. Often he hasn't even started work by the time I get home having done all that if he has done the chores around the house.

To me those things I have listed he does is me doing 90% when I do admin, finances, bills, appointments, social life, holidays, cooking x5/6, washing, washing up sometimes, dishwasher loading and unloading (he does this very rarely) tidying, putting dcs clothes away, all homework, school runs, buying clothes/anything else for house, x3 dc activities, ironing, all the other little chores that need doing, sorting the cats- except litter tray, sorting any repairs, Maintance on the house/cars. I have much more of a mental load than him.

@Snoken

You are both quite late at getting started in the mornings. Your day ends the same time either way, 8pm when the kids are in bed and you are exhausted, I think if you started your day at 8am , rather than 9.30-11am (except one day) you'd get so much more done and you wouldn't feel so stressed. Presumably the kids are in education from about 8.30am, there is no need for you guys to start so late.

Saying that though, for you, working 24 hours a week (I'm guessing based on your timings) and studying full time, that is way more than a normal working week anyway. What are these evening classes you are teaching? Are they necessary? How long until you graduate.

My day starts at 6.45 weekdays, I am knackered so do value lie ins at the weekend. Yes, going to drop exercise to three times a week and start work at 8.45. I never wanted to work full time but feel like I am. I want to have a life.

The work in the evenings is necessary. I have just finished one degree and have set up my own business around that qualification. Unfortunately this does mean some of the work is outside school hours. I am now doing a masters which is an extension on this and means I can work during schools hours more. I finish at Xmas- if I get on with it and summer 2020 if I don't. and it's likely I will then cut out these after school hours.

@Lucaslucas1612 At least there is an end at sight. I think you DH does what most people do, I think you have just taken on too much. It also adds pressure when you are juggling so many different things. It's one thing to work in one job 50-60 hours a week, a completely different thing when you have 3-4 different components to juggle (work, study, evening teaching) and trying to have a life outside of that. Something will have to give or you will burn yourself out. I don't actually think this is a DH problem.

Why are you doing a masters? Whats the end goal?

He sounds like a useless tit btw, but you need to think about where you want to end up, with or without him

I need it as an extension to my previous qualification so I can now offer another service. It also means it has more warning potential, I can work more flexible hours and work during school hours too.

I am also concerned for when I finish my masters, things will calm down then but I am not a SAHM anymore and I feel the distribution of jobs needs to change. I recognise I will always do more but I am not happy as things are.

Interesting people think DH does enough. I have found out he didn't do two of the jobs I asked him to do this am as he did x instead. Necessary to him but not a priority to me. This is also another problem.