I ve had enough of DH- or am I in the wrong?

[Lucaslucas1612]

My head is messed up and I am not sure if I am in the wrong or not. I've lost sight of what's reasonable or not I think. DH and I have always had quite a fiery relationship and we are both argumentative. We used to have big arguments even before we married. Looking back I feel like I should have seen the signs that we aren't compatible. We just think differently and go through periods where we just don't get on.

However, since lockdown #1 the period of not getting on has been long and I feel like I might have reached the end. We bicker about so many things, most of which are petty. I ask him to just let things slide and not comment on everything that annoys him, which I try and do, but no, he just can't seem to help himself so we fall out. He's very defensive and I can't say anything without a comeback but unfortunately I think I am the same too.

I am just exhausted by the constant argument of who does what around the house, who works the hardest etc. He puts all this down to how many hours we have done rather than how productive you might be or the mental load someone has. In his eyes he has a stressful job and does a few things around the house, ds bedtime and can't fit anything else in. In my mind I am juggling much more and although I only work part time and study this has to be done within school hours whereas he has a full working day. I do 90% of the unpaid work around the house. This is the argument we have whenever I ask him to do anything. During lockdown it highlighted to me how selfish he is. I was trying to juggle a masters, part time work and home schooling two children. I nearly lost my mind. In fairness he did step up in some ways but I just find him so about himself and unreliable. I asked him to do some of the home schooling so I could do some hours work and he did but I would get home and hardly anything would be done and I would have to do the organising of resources and highlight what to do etc. It ended up being more work for me as more often than not I would have to re-do it anyway. This is typical when I ask him to do something- half a jobs done.

Since the dcs are back at school I am trying to juggle work and a masters. He does none of the school runs so my hours are tight to get things done. I have tried to have a grown up conversation that I need more help but it ended up in an argument. He got me flowers and acknowledged I have a lot on my plate and I thought that meant he would take more on but no it's straight back to normal. I can't rely on him, he lies in bed in the morning 'working' whilst I rush around. Today I asked him to do three household things when I left for the school run, I get home and he's done one of them. The other day I asked him to get going with another task and then when I got back from the school run I would help him blitz it before work, he had moved three chairs. I then ran around doing as much as I could whilst he chatted to a mate who had come over to help him with something too heavy to move then got cross with me when I said I had to get on with work and couldn't help anymore. This is typical of him. He will then say I am not happy, I pick up the two things he hasn't done rather than the one thing he has done so I am nagging and I can't win.

Nothing is ever done to be part of a team, it always has to be praised or have something back. He gets tired very easily and has a stressful job but normally does nothing in the evenings hence why he has lots to do in the am. When I am stressed he says I should do things in the evening, shouldn't go to the gym in the am, which is true as it does then mean I don't start work until 11/11.30. But I feel like he wants me to have no life. This was my life during the second lockdown and my MH suffered. He does have the dcs one day of quite a few weekends so I can do my uni work but again it's begrudgingly and he says if I worked in the evening he wouldn't have to.

Sorry this is long but fundamentally I feel like we just don't see eye to eye about so many issues, household chore divide, bringing up the kids, priorities for spending money, amount of free time at weekends. I am just worn down by the constant petty arguments.

*Is this lazy for him?"

Well it's not whether we consider him to be lazy. It's how you feel.
Plenty of people do nothing all day but that's none of my business how they live their lives, good luck to them! But if it started impacting on me then it definitely becomes an issue.

I don't know what the answer is, and you clearly have taken on a lot. You've said a number of times that he can't/won't do things or chooses not to... Whether it's putting dishes away, getting up earlier..
And only agrees with you to stop you 'nagging' (his use of words is important here)

I think you're being a little unfair. It sounds like he does a lot. You are thinking of breaking up your family before binning off one or more of the other (optional) activities you have taken on. There are loads of things you could do to free up more of your time - stop the masters; switch the gym for a home workout; arrange to share school runs with someone else etc. I say this as someone who is also trying to juggle a lot - a toddler and a 6 month old, a full time job and a husband who is finishing a combined degree/teacher training course.

I would dearly love to go to the gym 4 times a week. But I don't, because I don't have time to do that and do everything else that my family needs from me right now. You say you would be happy for your husband to exercise too, but you're not happy for him to choose to have his leisure time as downtime.

How old are the children? What is his job? I think you might under estimate his stress.

You say you want a life so need to exercise, do a masters, go out with friends, work but you have young dc and most parents sacrifice their lives in the early years. You seem critical of his life choices but don't seem to take responsibility for your life choices.

I think if you exercise 4 x a week and study that's substantial time for you and your husband facilitates this.

I think you need to let go in some areas. Separate if you think being solo would be better for you but I suspect you would still feel stressed because you are trying to force too much into limited time.

@namechange0178

I think you're being a little unfair. It sounds like he does a lot. You are thinking of breaking up your family before binning off one or more of the other (optional) activities you have taken on. There are loads of things you could do to free up more of your time - stop the masters; switch the gym for a home workout; arrange to share school runs with someone else etc. I say this as someone who is also trying to juggle a lot - a toddler and a 6 month old, a full time job and a husband who is finishing a combined degree/teacher training course.

I would dearly love to go to the gym 4 times a week. But I don't, because I don't have time to do that and do everything else that my family needs from me right now. You say you would be happy for your husband to exercise too, but you're not happy for him to choose to have his leisure time as downtime.

It's his attitude I don't like. He feels I should do it all and he does what I see as the minimal. I am running around trying to keep multiple people happy. Yes I have taken on too much, but ms doing less just means I have to give up something I enjoy/like to cover something I feel he could just get in the habit of routinely doing.

He creates more work for me as can't do jobs properly or doesn't tidy up after himself. He's the sort of person who walks past the dishwasher to put things on the side, tells me food has gone off in the fridge rather than doing it himself, asks me if he's free to do x or what we are doing at the weekend rather than looking at the joint diary, has a shower/gets ready rather than putting his clothes away. Doesn't put the bath toys away after bathing dc and leaves the towel on the floor. I can't trust him to do simple tasks I have asked- washing needs to go out so uniform ready for tomorrow, not done. Get ds to tidy his room as visitors coming- not done. This all creates more work for me as they aren't done efficiently at the same time as other tasks. It's like having another toddler. I just want him to do simple tasks properly so things are more orderly and tidy so we then don't have to spend time blitzing the house later.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

He sounds like a useless tit btw, but you need to think about where you want to end up, with or without him

Does he? Have you actually read the ops posts?

You're juggling a lot of balls - something has got to give - could you get some help with school run ? More cleaning slots etc

@Fireflygal

How old are the children? What is his job? I think you might under estimate his stress.

You say you want a life so need to exercise, do a masters, go out with friends, work but you have young dc and most parents sacrifice their lives in the early years. You seem critical of his life choices but don't seem to take responsibility for your life choices.

I think if you exercise 4 x a week and study that's substantial time for you and your husband facilitates this.

I think you need to let go in some areas. Separate if you think being solo would be better for you but I suspect you would still feel stressed because you are trying to force too much into limited time.

8 and 6. I am trying to train them into becoming more responsible and doing more themselves but feel DH does not help with this. He doesn't model this well, particularly to ds.

I do recognise he has a stressful job, we feel the impact of this on the family. We have compromised on how busy we are previously to allow for this. I have never moaned when he used to come home late, practically every night, work at weekends. This is another reason I am doing the masters to increase my earning potential so the financial pressure isn't all on him. Having his own business is another massive pressure on the family that I suck up in lots of ways. But he is not very efficient, does few tasks in the time I would take to do many more, gets up late so has to work later into the evenings which impacts me. I ve heard him on the phone, he has a 40 minute conversation about something that should take 10.

@Lucaslucas1612

Your last post clarify things a little. I do absolutely think he needs to do those little things himself. No question about it. That I would never stop nagging about, it's infuriating and it is eating up a lot of your brain power. My DH is a bit like that too, and nagging is the only thing that helps. Except one thing, he never used to put his shoes away when he got in, so I started throwing them down to the basement whenever they were left out. Then I continued doing that with his baseball caps that he left all over the house. Eventually it started to drive him nuts that he could never find his stuff so he started putting them away. Now I do the same with his empty teacups and spoons, I stick them in the top cupboard which is the furthest away from the kettle so he has to go over there and get them.

He regularly gets take away and goes out drinking, be rarely in.

You meet friends and go out more in the evenings, but he chooses not to.

Most of the time you both relax and unwind in the evenings.

I'm confused.

Two practical suggestions
Do the kids need to be doing so much stuff right now? Sports both weekend days, three extracurricular activities during the week. It sounds like their schedules are becoming as busy as yours! Does the school offer anything straight after school they could do instead to save on the taxi-ing around? At this age, I'd have thought one sport and one non-sport hobby would be plenty, especially whilst you are in this hectic phase trying to complete your masters.

Secondly, does your husband need to consider getting an assistant or something in his business not only to do some of the admin, but also to organise his time and get him working more efficiently? (On a similar note, you said you have a cleaner, are there other household jobs you could outsource to save yourselves time?)

But that's looking at reducing the immediate problems. The bigger relationship issues with arguing may need counselling to figure out if they are because you want incompatible things out of life and would be happier apart or just need to communicate better.

Lockdown has been stressful for many people and your relationship won't be the only one for whom it has brought issues to the surface.

@earminted

He regularly gets take away and goes out drinking, be rarely in.

You meet friends and go out more in the evenings, but he chooses not to.

Most of the time you both relax and unwind in the evenings.

I'm confused.

Most of time we stay in together and both relax in the evenings, although I regularly do household jobs once dcs are in bed. I go out 1/2 times a month, 1/2 every few months.

Yes, I am cutting back on dcs activities, my ds is sporty and keeps being asked to join teams which takes activities from 1 to 2 days a week. I don't want to say no as he loves it. I feel guilty too as my justification for doing this masters is that it wouldn't interfere with the dcs at all. I wanted them to have any the opportunities they would if I was a SAHM. I am lucky enough that financially I don't have to work so feel guilty about the impact on them. This is part of the reason I feel I have to hold it all together.

Just reading about it makes me feel exhausted. It does sound like you are expecting to much of yourself and possibly of him too.

You need to listen to each other and prioritise fun relaxing times together- easier said than done, I know, but very important.

Maybe try to appreciate what he does do. No one likes to be nagged, (though I do understand how it feels when a man does one job and seems to think that absolves him of any more for that day).

I also think you need to cut each other some slack and maybe let some things go. Focus more on the positive but look at where things can be changed. You need to get agreement for these, not tellll him how it has to be. E.g if he works from home, wouldn't it be fair for him to get the kids up and take them to school some days (on a regular basis)?

You can't continue being annoyed and disappointed by the situation. But you need to work it out as a team.

Look up "reflective listening". DH and I did this as part of therapy once and it was very powerful (but admit we don't use it as much as we should!). Made me feel a lot more connected to him.

"You are thinking of breaking up your family before binning off one or more of the other (optional) activities you have taken on."

This is exactly what struck me too. Quite alarming and indicates that the husband is likely much less of a problem than the OP is making out, if her priorities can be so skewed.

It's common sense to any parent that taking on all these activities would be utter madness and would stretch the marriage and family to breaking point. The masters, part time work, social life, gym 4 times a week, running household etc is a full on busy life even if you didn't have kids who are a full.time.job themselves to raise! I imagine the husband is exasperated and resentful that she's trying to run their lives like a headless chicken because she insists on packing so much in the day so he's kicking back by refusing to engage.

To be completely honest, I think was very selfish for the OP to have even started the Masters at this stage, considering her young family's circumstances and the impact it would have on family life by increasing stress levels for everyone as there was already too much to juggle (I would say likewise if it was the husband). If you have young kids you need to prioritise them and sacrifice. It's what parents do.

I think division of labour does go on who does most hours at work, purely because the other person is at home more.
It does seem like the constant arguing is an issue though, nobody wants to live like that.

@Onelifeonly

Just reading about it makes me feel exhausted. It does sound like you are expecting to much of yourself and possibly of him too.

You need to listen to each other and prioritise fun relaxing times together- easier said than done, I know, but very important.

Maybe try to appreciate what he does do. No one likes to be nagged, (though I do understand how it feels when a man does one job and seems to think that absolves him of any more for that day).

I also think you need to cut each other some slack and maybe let some things go. Focus more on the positive but look at where things can be changed. You need to get agreement for these, not tellll him how it has to be. E.g if he works from home, wouldn't it be fair for him to get the kids up and take them to school some days (on a regular basis)?

You can't continue being annoyed and disappointed by the situation. But you need to work it out as a team.

Look up "reflective listening". DH and I did this as part of therapy once and it was very powerful (but admit we don't use it as much as we should!). Made me feel a lot more connected to him.

Thanks. This is the problem we can't seem to reach an agreement. I try to compromise and have an adult discussion about it. He will not budge, to him a discussion is me telling him to change or what to do. He doesn't seem to care what I feel or think. Any school runs are a no. We have a stalemate where I want something and he doesn't. This happens in many aspects of time. We have to have a big argument if I want to get anything, he can't seem to talk like adults. We aren't a team. It's got to the point where I don't want to do anything for him as I don't have the head space and I feel resentful as I do so much anyway. It's just adding to my load.

It's not prioritising things and splitting up the family because of it. It's his attitude and the fact we don't see eye to eye on so many issues. I don't want to be married to someone who I think is selfish, who cant compromise, who won't help more when I tell him I am unhappy.

I have dropped lots of things that make me cross about him to avoid petty arguments. He can't do the same, he picks up every single criticism, whether I make a mistake driving, which way I am going, how fast I am going, anything I miss in the house. He has to comment on everything. We have chats where I say we both need to stop picking at the other one and leave small annoyances but he can't help himself, he just reverts straight back to the old without trying. I am worn down.

Although we are in a tricky situation I think this and lockdown has just highlighted how selfish he is, how the division of chores is unfair and how incapable he is. I feel like he wants a housewife which isn't me. Yes, on reflection this was not a good time to start my masters, I should have waited. But I was in a job I hated for years, then everything was about the dcs and when I finally got my life back when dd went to school I wanted to go something for myself, wanted to learn and earn and finally sort a career out for myself. There's nothing wrong with that.

@Mymapuddlington

I think division of labour does go on who does most hours at work, purely because the other person is at home more. It does seem like the constant arguing is an issue though, nobody wants to live like that.

He works from home so we are both here. He does paid work more than me, I do paid and unpaid work combined more. Unpaid work doesn't matter though, it's all about who works the most hours in paid work.

I have a slightly different view from some of those above. If you have the slightest doubt about your marriage, then it becomes even more important that you maximise your qualifications and earning potential, so keep on with your masters. This is doubly so if your husband is self employed as this might make it easier for him to evade or minimise child support.
It sounds like things might improve once you are done with your masters, so is there any potential to improve things in the interim without husband’s help? Can you afford a cleaner, get the kids to do some domestic tasks, bulk cook, plan more etc - anything to make life a bit easier. Maybe drop one exercise session or one child activity. I wouldn’t worry about the kids not being able to pursue lots of interests because you have to work or rest. You need and are entitled to quality of life too and are working for their future. Don’t prioritise these hobbies over long term financial security. In addition to a roof over their heads and other necessities of life, they may need tutors, private dentistry or orthodontics, dermatology or other private medical care at some point ... these things matter as much or far more than kid sports.

I can't believe people are defending him but there are still those who think a man is saintly for putting his cup in the sink.

To me he sounds incredibly selfish and lazy. I don't really see him as doing anything to make your life easier. He doesn't see the marriage as a team.
You give and give and he takes.
He's happy for you to do it all as long a he doesn't have to.

The few things he does begrudgingly and passive aggressively doesn't finish the job.

What does he bring to your life?

@Lucaslucas1612 there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to further yourself and do a masters, the point me and others are making is you're also trying to do a billion other things at the same time...

Even if your husband was perfect, that level of stress on the family would eventually lead to marital problems. How much quality time do you two even have as a couple for instance? Or even relaxed time with your own kids? Prioritising your marriage and your own sanity also has a direct knock on impact on your own kids' happiness. I'm sure your kids would much rather have their family intact than be ferried to a million after school activities. In your keeness to be perfect at everything and do everything right now, you seem to have lost sight of what's truly important.

Firstly I don't think you've taken on too much at all. You work p/t have 2 kids and are doing a masters. That's really not a particularly heavy load especially as you have a cleaner, dishwasher etc.

You certainly don't need to give up the little bit of time for yourself you have (including the masters) as the more you do the less he will do and the more you'll resent this idle lump of a man. If he's WFH, his job isn't physically demanding and it obviously isn't that stressful if he can get up midmorning, bimble on through the day and finish in the early evening. Many people I know who are running their own business start first thing in the morning and work well into the night. As for his lack of energy, he needs to see a GP and ask for tests to see if he has a condition causing this or if its just a learnt behaviour that justifies his inability to take responsibility.

The only way I can see you resolving this issue (and your marriage) is to seek out some form of mediation or couples counselling otherwise your resentment will continue to grow until you no longer wish to share your life with him. I get the feeling you are a substitute for his mother, after all, you organise his & the family's life while he moans about doing the chores like a whiny teenager. He gets the nice easy jobs (apart from cat litter yeurch!) and you get the brain heavy organisation and coordination of 4 people.

I wish you luck & don't give up your studies, you'll regret it.

It sounds like you're both doing about the same in the house, and him more in paid work. A lot of the jobs you list as part of your 90% share of the mental load are not really very time consuming, or will only come up a few times a year.

Cut out/down the gym until your Masters is over in December, that's 6 hours a week easy.

@Hont1986

It sounds like you're both doing about the same in the house, and him more in paid work. A lot of the jobs you list as part of your 90% share of the mental load are not really very time consuming, or will only come up a few times a year.

Cut out/down the gym until your Masters is over in December, that's 6 hours a week easy.

Really like what is every year? We have two extensions on our house and have just done and load more refurbishments. We are lucky enough to holiday more than once a year. Definitely not the case.

You're crazy if you think that sounds like we do the same. I do everything accept ds bedtime and weekend activities for the dcs.

But he is not very efficient, does few tasks in the time I would take to do many more, gets up late so has to work later into the evenings which impacts me. I ve heard him on the phone, he has a 40 minute conversation about something that should take 10.

I would hate if my partner decided on my efficiency levels. You deciding his calls should only be 10mins seems really controlling.

[quote SarahDarah]@Lucaslucas1612 there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to further yourself and do a masters, the point me and others are making is you're also trying to do a billion other things at the same time...

Even if your husband was perfect, that level of stress on the family would eventually lead to marital problems. How much quality time do you two even have as a couple for instance? Or even relaxed time with your own kids? Prioritising your marriage and your own sanity also has a direct knock on impact on your own kids' happiness. I'm sure your kids would much rather have their family intact than be ferried to a million after school activities. In your keeness to be perfect at everything and do everything right now, you seem to have lost sight of what's truly important.[/quote]
Yes, it's lead to extra stress, I get that. Even when I have completed my masters I will be working so need DH to step up too. We always eat together as a family and I put dd to bed so that's quality time. We have more family time 1/2 days at the weekend and during school holidays too. But my dd does ask me to do things just 1-1 all the time which I feel guilty about as she missing me.

Well it just all sounds too much for you in my opinion, it’s hardly surprising you are both exhausted. Could you get some home help? Outsource the cleaning, washing /ironing. Anyone else that could take the children to school short term?…