I ve had enough of DH- or am I in the wrong?

[Lucaslucas1612]

My head is messed up and I am not sure if I am in the wrong or not. I've lost sight of what's reasonable or not I think. DH and I have always had quite a fiery relationship and we are both argumentative. We used to have big arguments even before we married. Looking back I feel like I should have seen the signs that we aren't compatible. We just think differently and go through periods where we just don't get on.

However, since lockdown #1 the period of not getting on has been long and I feel like I might have reached the end. We bicker about so many things, most of which are petty. I ask him to just let things slide and not comment on everything that annoys him, which I try and do, but no, he just can't seem to help himself so we fall out. He's very defensive and I can't say anything without a comeback but unfortunately I think I am the same too.

I am just exhausted by the constant argument of who does what around the house, who works the hardest etc. He puts all this down to how many hours we have done rather than how productive you might be or the mental load someone has. In his eyes he has a stressful job and does a few things around the house, ds bedtime and can't fit anything else in. In my mind I am juggling much more and although I only work part time and study this has to be done within school hours whereas he has a full working day. I do 90% of the unpaid work around the house. This is the argument we have whenever I ask him to do anything. During lockdown it highlighted to me how selfish he is. I was trying to juggle a masters, part time work and home schooling two children. I nearly lost my mind. In fairness he did step up in some ways but I just find him so about himself and unreliable. I asked him to do some of the home schooling so I could do some hours work and he did but I would get home and hardly anything would be done and I would have to do the organising of resources and highlight what to do etc. It ended up being more work for me as more often than not I would have to re-do it anyway. This is typical when I ask him to do something- half a jobs done.

Since the dcs are back at school I am trying to juggle work and a masters. He does none of the school runs so my hours are tight to get things done. I have tried to have a grown up conversation that I need more help but it ended up in an argument. He got me flowers and acknowledged I have a lot on my plate and I thought that meant he would take more on but no it's straight back to normal. I can't rely on him, he lies in bed in the morning 'working' whilst I rush around. Today I asked him to do three household things when I left for the school run, I get home and he's done one of them. The other day I asked him to get going with another task and then when I got back from the school run I would help him blitz it before work, he had moved three chairs. I then ran around doing as much as I could whilst he chatted to a mate who had come over to help him with something too heavy to move then got cross with me when I said I had to get on with work and couldn't help anymore. This is typical of him. He will then say I am not happy, I pick up the two things he hasn't done rather than the one thing he has done so I am nagging and I can't win.

Nothing is ever done to be part of a team, it always has to be praised or have something back. He gets tired very easily and has a stressful job but normally does nothing in the evenings hence why he has lots to do in the am. When I am stressed he says I should do things in the evening, shouldn't go to the gym in the am, which is true as it does then mean I don't start work until 11/11.30. But I feel like he wants me to have no life. This was my life during the second lockdown and my MH suffered. He does have the dcs one day of quite a few weekends so I can do my uni work but again it's begrudgingly and he says if I worked in the evening he wouldn't have to.

Sorry this is long but fundamentally I feel like we just don't see eye to eye about so many issues, household chore divide, bringing up the kids, priorities for spending money, amount of free time at weekends. I am just worn down by the constant petty arguments.

I work full time, have 2 teenagers, volunteer and am doing a masters and my partner works 70hr weeks in term time.

I'm at my absolute limit, have dropped all house standards, he cooks must nights and we are very very conscious that we are currently overstretched and try not to snap at each other ever. But we discuss it, we try and be kind at all times, and he is my team and I'm his.

We also keep saying 'it's not forever', which helps.

I'm surprised people are being so hard on the OP. Yes she may have taken on too much but it's clearly with good intentions and whateber the case her husband sounds infuriating! Just because he does a lot - as he should!! -- doesn't mean the overall inequality in the division of labour and his attitude/lack of appreciation to her is OK. OP if you are so unhappy I don't think it's wrong to consider splitting - it's really important to model a healthy relationship to children and if you are unhappy that is really not great for them.

@earminted

He regularly gets take away and goes out drinking, be rarely in.

You meet friends and go out more in the evenings, but he chooses not to.

Most of the time you both relax and unwind in the evenings.

I'm confused.

Yes, the narrative doesn't follow.

I think maybe your as bad as each other and your whole relationship needs turning on its head.

I think relationship counselling is the way to go.

Somewhere where you can both be heard and have an equal say and someone to pull apart the issues and help put everything back together again.

Finances and bills I don't know what you're doing to take up any time there. Everything is on Direct Debit or reviewed annually, e.g. car insurance.
Holidays is a couple of times a year.
'Appointments' is vague, do you mean GP and dentist type stuff? Again, a few times a year perhaps.
School runs, laundry, dishwasher, etc - you have the larger share of that but that's to be expected since you work part-time.

You've so much on that DIY and things like clearing out cupboards can wait.

Give both of you a break?

Although if he is properly useless just bin him if you want to. But do it in the summer holidays when you haven't got an assignment due.

Very simply.
You are working during school hours and then tetaching after school.
Your DH is working.

Thé division of labour should be much closer to 50/50. It’s not as if you were a SAHM.

As for him being tired.... I have ME, I think I have a good idea of what tired means. If you are tired, you don’t go out drinking.
And if you do, you live with the consequences. You don’t then expect people to pick the stuff for you.

@Hont1986

Finances and bills I don't know what you're doing to take up any time there. Everything is on Direct Debit or reviewed annually, e.g. car insurance. Holidays is a couple of times a year. 'Appointments' is vague, do you mean GP and dentist type stuff? Again, a few times a year perhaps. School runs, laundry, dishwasher, etc - you have the larger share of that but that's to be expected since you work part-time.

It shouldn’t be expected of the OP she does more housework because she. Is part time. She is doing a Master. That’s work too. And it certainly means the OP doen’t have any spare time.

Plus you’ve nicely avoided the mental load issue (and him refusing to do the little bits he is asked to do)

I recognise something in myself from some of your descriptions.

When you have a lot on and are juggling a lot of mental load. You become a bit hyper intense/hyper vigilant and super focussed and detail orientated. And you cannot understand why someone else is not moving at your pace and thinking how you do. But it isnt a normal mindset. And it also can sometimes make me difficult to help or approach. And seem picky. A human whirlwind that noone wants to get in the way of.

Now i am ONLY working full time i am so much more relaxed. And am aware of when i get myself in that state.

Your husband doesn't sound too bad and seems to be doing a fair amount. So perhaps the conversation is more-i want to acknowledge all the things you do-and i am so sorry but it is still not working out as i am still overwhelmed-can we tweak things? Is there a particular job you hate but he doesn't mind that you could swap and vice versa. A temporary plan to get you to the end of the
Masters.

If he asks you for a date-why look it up for him. Do not facilitate where there is laziness. He could look but it is harder then asking you the oracle. Dont be a martyr either.

Your life sounds pretty full on but that’s still no real reason to constantly bicker and argue over who’s more tired, who’s more stressed etc.

There’s a big difference between sharing a “god this week is chaos, I’m shattered” type discussion over a cuppa and “I’VE done so much and YOURE not entitled to be as tired as ME!!!!” Passive agressive competitiveness.

Honestly you’re not on the same team, you don’t sound like you really even like each other or have anything in common.

strip away the kids and the mortgage- do you like him? Do you fancy him? Do you look forward to the time you get alone together? Do you look forward to the day when the kids fly the nest and you can enjoy each other’s company?
Or do you think, if it wasn’t for the kids you’d have left already?

I couldn’t be bothered with this if I’m honest. Yes most parents do a little of the competitive tiredness game - it’s almost inevitable at times. But I couldn’t be in a relationship where every single thing is a fight or a compromise or a battle.
Soul destroying.

Please don't pause your Masters. This is your meal ticket for the rest of your working career which ever way your marriage goes.

@Ohpulltheotherone

Your life sounds pretty full on but that’s still no real reason to constantly bicker and argue over who’s more tired, who’s more stressed etc.

There’s a big difference between sharing a “god this week is chaos, I’m shattered” type discussion over a cuppa and “I’VE done so much and YOURE not entitled to be as tired as ME!!!!” Passive agressive competitiveness.

Honestly you’re not on the same team, you don’t sound like you really even like each other or have anything in common.

strip away the kids and the mortgage- do you like him? Do you fancy him? Do you look forward to the time you get alone together? Do you look forward to the day when the kids fly the nest and you can enjoy each other’s company?
Or do you think, if it wasn’t for the kids you’d have left already?

I couldn’t be bothered with this if I’m honest. Yes most parents do a little of the competitive tiredness game - it’s almost inevitable at times. But I couldn’t be in a relationship where every single thing is a fight or a compromise or a battle.
Soul destroying.

Yes, every conversation is like that. He constantly gets defensive and turns it into a how much I've done v how much you have done argument. A typical point is tonight. One rare night and he's worked until 8.30 but I ve put both dcs to bed, homework, supervised play date and multiple other things as well as my own work until 5.30. He was in the kitchen, I was on the sofa. I asked him to put some veg in the fridge, this was 5/6 items that had been delivered that morning. This led him to start shouting and listing everything he has done today, he's got a migraine, he's stressed, what am I going to go? What have I done that day? He's got the energy to make himself a snack, as usual putting nothing away, but not the every put 6 things away. This is very typical of our arguments.

I think in every relationship, at one point or another, there is the competition of who does more and who is more tired. After taking into account everything you've said OP, could it maybe be the case that a tit for tat has developed and it's more just about niggling at each other than the subject of discussion, which appears to always be who has more time to themselves etc?

I do think from reading so far that it doesn't sound that unfair, he maybe sounds a little stroppy but you are managing to get to the gym 4 mornings a week, have one full day at the weekend for study and you're working part time so you can complete a masters. I know this will obviously benefit your family in the long run and it's great that you are working to achieve this but there has to be something said for him that he has encouraged adapting things to allow you to pursue this and supporting you. Although of course you shouldn't need a partners permission, it's nice to have their support and reassurance that they can fill the financial gap while you do it.

Well done for trying to juggle all of this with young children, it must be tough and I think you must be very motivated. Like a PP said, it won't be forever but let things like the gym be adapted or up the cleaning hours before you give up trying with your DH, especially if it's just petty who does what fights as you say and you still love him x