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Relationships

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Original poster

Os this a red flag or just cultural?

81 replies

ToastedFrog · 07/06/2021 21:15

I am a little confused about a man I have met from OLD. Just a coupe of dates. He seems like a nice hardworking guy. His family background is from the middle east but he is born and raised in europe. I find him quite westernised and he has never even lived in the middle east (and those middle eastern people I know are actually quite similar to us culturally anyway).

BUT he is late 40s never married no kids and really seems really too close with his family who live in another country. He speaks to his parents every single day. He spends most if not all of his holidays with his parents (who are old). He mentioned they have done a lot for him so he needs to take care of them. He mentioned he had had marriage opportunities hadn’t met anyone suitable, which sounded odd.

Is this a red flag or just cultural? Is it normal to be so close to parents for a guy who is almost 50? I like him but don’t want to be an afterthought compared to his family.

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 07/06/2021 21:16

Afterthought possibly OK.
Future carer of ils no...

Blackbird2020 · 07/06/2021 21:20

My non-Middle Eastern DH calls his mum every day. He’s is his 50s. They live in different countries and have a lovely close bond. I’d be happy for my son to do the same if he so wished when I get old!

Are you worried about spending all your future holidays visiting his parents? Or him not having holiday time for just the 2 of you? Which is, of course, a valid concern...

cateycloggs · 07/06/2021 21:31

Hi ToastedFrog, I just wanted to comment quickly because I feel yuo may get a lot of 'red flags' comments. Obviously I don't know your full circumstances but I have had a similar relationship in the past so I feel I can comment. I think it may be as it was with the man I knew a combination of personality (being more reserved) and cultural. If the man is Muslim, he probably does feel a strong sense of obligation to support his parents as much as possible, a feeling that they sacrificed to give him opportunities so he should be there for them as they age.
My former partner was also the eldest son and felt obliged to support the younger siblings and neices and nephews as much as he could.

Personally I felt that was admirable but our relationship did not go forward due to more personal reasons (we were actually too much alike). So it depends what you want in your life. it may help if you read up on some resources about islamic(assuming that is his background) societies and family relationships as expectations can be very different to those generally in the UK. But also do consider the personal element as obviously many men if not most from such communities do marry and have families of their own.

premium77 · 07/06/2021 21:34

To be late 40s and never being able to find anyone ‘suitable’ to marry is the red flag here. I suspect there’s more to this, I’m certain that if you look closer into his relationship history you’ll soon discover why he’s been single for so long.

accentdusoleil · 07/06/2021 21:39

yes very much so. It is the duty of kids to look after parents as they get older. Of course it does not always work like that. I would say it is a sweet and respectful thing to do

Can think of worse traits ,

I am surprised he hasn't been encouraged to marry before now though ?!

Original poster

ToastedFrog · 07/06/2021 21:41

@Blackbird2020 calling is one thing, but I guess my worry is the combination of that plus spending all holiday with them. I mean wouldn’t you want to go on holiday with your friends if you were single?

@cateycloggs yes he is muslim culturally but not at all religious (he doesn’t even know about islam much and doesn’t have many Middle Eastern friends either, he is completely normal in that regard, just a regular EU expat in London), however maybe the cultural element is still there.

I don’t want to let him go based on just this, but I do feel his life is divided between his demanding job and his parents

OP posts:

idontlikealdi · 07/06/2021 21:43

@premium77

Eh??? Lots of people haven't found the right person to settle down with.

Umberellatheweatha · 07/06/2021 21:43

Well if your parents were elderly and lived across the world you'd probably think of them a lot too.

The not being married might be a red flag though. Might be wise to ask about his marriage expectations. Eg, if his family would expect to come to stay. Or if he would want you to convert to another religion.

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 07/06/2021 21:47

You haven’t said what you like about him. It doesn’t sound like he’s got much going for him.

ConstanceMarkievicz · 07/06/2021 21:48

I'm single! So I don't think it has to mean anything, but a friend of mine married a man who was muslim and westernised, she thought. But his family back home were never told about her. When his father died, he returned to his home country for the funeral and never returned and then she learned that he hadn't paid the mortgage, he had been driving on the toll bridge without paying... lots of other stuff that would make me wary.

I know this is a reflection of my own fears after what happened to my friend but I think he viewed their life as a role that he could step out of if and when he wanted to. Because his real identity was not ''western'' and his real home was never Europe.

So I'd ask a lot of questions and trust your intuition.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/06/2021 21:49

As long as you accept that he has priorities further up the list, see how it goes. The closeness to his parents, spending every holiday with them and a demanding job might not seem like deal-breakers now. If it's only been a few dates, it might or might not go anywhere, but if it does, he's made clear his priorities.

purrswhileheeats · 07/06/2021 21:56

It's very odd for a middle Eastern man not to marry; their families are usually very pushy and will try to match them with a cousin.

Shadedog · 07/06/2021 21:56

I don’t think it’s a red flag. It’s not unusual when you family live in a different country to spend your holidays visiting them. It’s also fine for you to not want to do that.

Blackbird2020 · 07/06/2021 22:06

Hmm... difficult one. Even though he’s not particularly religious there might be a much greater cultural expectation on him to take care of his elderly parents compared to, say a white Western man.

I can certainly see why you are apprehensive. I respect other people’s cultures, but not at the complete expense of my own happiness! If you are both understanding and able to compromise regarding these cultural differences then maybe it will work out... only you can tell if you want to stick around to find out!

Blackbird2020 · 07/06/2021 22:15

And yes, agree with @Shadedog, DH’s family live on the other side of the world so almost all of our holidays are used up on visiting them. But I don’t mind as it’s sun-tropical and has lovely beaches

cateycloggs · 07/06/2021 22:21

@Justmuddlingalong

I would agree with Justmuddlingalong here. I did not realise you are both in London so able to meet in person which makes a big difference in how you can get to know him. You don't mention how old you are ToastedFrog? I think it will be very different if you yourself are 20s - 30s or older. Are you looking to settle down and have a family ? I do think that cultural expectations are deeply embedded in all of us and are often unconscious until called forth by circumstances.

I don't normally hazard any comment in Relationships as I know my experience would generally considered to be deficient - quite similar to this man's - and some of the comments so far confirm that . On the other hand nobody should feel obliged to make exceptions for anyone else's -what shall we say , pecularities? Unless, of course they want to.

sunnyzweibrucken · 07/06/2021 22:42

Geez so being unmarred at almost 50 is a red flag??? I think there's more nuance to it than just assuming that without knowing more details. i'm almost 50 and neve married and I although I'm not perfect I don't think that means I'm spoiled goods lol

I think it's great that he cares about his family so much. I know so many people that ditch their families once they are on their own, so I think it's admirable especially as they must be elderly. he may want to spend more time with them since he will never know when it may be the last time.

I think its more of a compatibility issue than a red flag - some women would be fine with this and some wouldn't be. if you're questioning it most likely it will become an issue for you over time.

Opentooffers · 07/06/2021 22:47

Keep one eye open, but after 2 dates it's hard to tell. Although religion may not be an issue, cultural differences will be there, and already you've noticed some. They may be surmountable, but maybe not. Depends what your expectations are for the future too.

Velvetscrunchy · 07/06/2021 23:09

[quote ToastedFrog]@Blackbird2020 calling is one thing, but I guess my worry is the combination of that plus spending all holiday with them. I mean wouldn’t you want to go on holiday with your friends if you were single?

@cateycloggs yes he is muslim culturally but not at all religious (he doesn’t even know about islam much and doesn’t have many Middle Eastern friends either, he is completely normal in that regard, just a regular EU expat in London), however maybe the cultural element is still there.

I don’t want to let him go based on just this, but I do feel his life is divided between his demanding job and his parents[/quote]
“He is completely normal in that regard”......Because being Muslim religiously or having Middle Eastern friends is abnormal? 🙄

TellmewhoIam · 07/06/2021 23:22

It's been normal or negotiable for some of my western friends from various southern/eastern cultural diasporas to move an elderly parent or in-law indefinitely into the family home with very little notice, and to spend 50% of life savings on their care without seeing it as a sacrifice, but as part of the ordinary flow of life.

Not all of them from everywhere And I'm not saying he'd do that. But cultural differences can be huge, without being red flags. Just a different idea of honouring elders.

Mermaidwaves · 08/06/2021 00:00

My exH is Muslim and wouldn't consider himself religious but his culture is embedded in him even though he has grown up in the UK. Respect and care for parents especially as they age is a highly held thing and very common from Asian and middle eastern backgrounds. I imagine if you had a future with him it would be expected that you support this, of course it's up to you if you're happy with that.

I wouldn't say it's a red flag but you need to be aware of it and decide if it's for you before you become deeply involved.

me4real · 08/06/2021 00:04

I would find the never marrying or whatever more striking.

@ToastedFrog What do you know of his relationship history? Any co-habiting or serious relationships?

me4real · 08/06/2021 00:07

I don't know about the middle-East, but I live in Birmingham and there are a lot of Muslim people from Bangladesh or Pakistan. In that generation a lot of them, including people I went to uni with (I'm 44) still had arranged marriages.

@ToastedFrog Maybe he was married and is keeping quiet about it.

TellmewhoIam · 08/06/2021 00:11

Could have had a long distance relationship, or be a widower, or bisexual and not out, or been with unavailable and undisclosed people... Invisible / undeclared health condition... Relationship history is key.

Changechangychange · 08/06/2021 00:12

Geez so being unmarred at almost 50 is a red flag

Being divorced, or having come out of at least one or possibly a series of long-term relationships aged 50 is not a red flag at all.

Never having had a “serious” relationship by age 50 is a bit of a red flag yes. Because why would they break the habit of a lifetime for you?

Of course we don’t know which camp the OP’s BF is in, but if they have never had a serious relationship I would worry that they are either too picky and nobody can measure up, or they are scaring people off somehow, early in the relationship.

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