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Relationships

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Original poster

Os this a red flag or just cultural?

81 replies

ToastedFrog · 07/06/2021 21:15

I am a little confused about a man I have met from OLD. Just a coupe of dates. He seems like a nice hardworking guy. His family background is from the middle east but he is born and raised in europe. I find him quite westernised and he has never even lived in the middle east (and those middle eastern people I know are actually quite similar to us culturally anyway).

BUT he is late 40s never married no kids and really seems really too close with his family who live in another country. He speaks to his parents every single day. He spends most if not all of his holidays with his parents (who are old). He mentioned they have done a lot for him so he needs to take care of them. He mentioned he had had marriage opportunities hadn’t met anyone suitable, which sounded odd.

Is this a red flag or just cultural? Is it normal to be so close to parents for a guy who is almost 50? I like him but don’t want to be an afterthought compared to his family.

OP posts:

BoredWML · 08/06/2021 00:13

Close family member is stuck with such a man: ALL HOLIDAYS have to be in his country (which is unbearably hot most of the year), with his family (who do not speak a word of English) and that creates constant drama. DH, too, speaks to his parents and many many family members every single day. Also, pre covid, his parents used to come visit them for at least 3 months' stretch at a time! He is from a muslim country.
My advice: RUN!

PickAChew · 08/06/2021 00:17

If it doesn't sit right with you, it doesn't sit right with you. Precise explanations are irrelevant

me4real · 08/06/2021 00:26

A lot of people from different backgrounds have similar set ups with their families to some extent- people from the Philippines maybe, or my ex-girlfriend who was from Jamaica.

But if it's not your cup of tea it's not your cup of tea. It also could effect finances in a relationship a lot, if one partner is sending money home to family, or saving for trips there etc. My ex had to work very hard to save for holidays/trips to see her family, so meeting up with her could be difficult, fitting in with her work schedule and so on.

Original poster

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 07:14

Thanks all for your insights. As for me, I am 35 and looking for something serious. I do like him a lot and we share hobbies etc. We are meeting this week again but the thing is he is going away for a month to see his parents so things would be on hold (and it is a long time in the dating world). I don’t want to be exclusive at this stage and he hasn’t suggested it

I guess my issue is more him being so enmeshed with his family as opposed to having his own life in UK (like at least friends who he would go away with) I don’t hate that and am close with my mum, but she wouldn’t expect me to spend a month with her!! Maybe it’s just different lifestyles but even though I have a good relationship with my family I go away with friends rather than travel with my parents.

Also maybe the wording, but he said he had “marriage opportunities “. Who says that unless it is some sort of arranged thing? If he is into arranged marriages why is he on tinder. He was vague about his relationship history and I didn’t press too hard (yet)

@Velvetscrunchy sorry I meant he was not a stereotypical muslim guy but more a euro expat londoner. Didn’t mean it offensively

Maybe I am overthinking it but I have felt a spark and we get along well so it scares me a little if he is full of red flags I can’t see

OP posts:

Original poster

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 07:17

@Justmuddlingalong makes sense

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 08/06/2021 07:24

For a middle Eastern man not to be married at almost 50 I would have warning bells that I wouldn't have in other circumstances.

I would be suspicious that there was a wife somewhere (perhaps looking after his parents?).

isthismylifenow · 08/06/2021 07:30

Are you sure he is single?

NotSure94 · 08/06/2021 07:32

I wouldn't like to have to share a partner so much with his parents at your age tbh. It's niggling you now, I don't expect you're going to easily adjust to frequent absences etc and why should you? You're in your prime, a partner should be fighting to spend every moment with you at this stage, not kissing you goodbye for a month for what sounds like a family social at this point.

Original poster

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 07:40

@isthismylifenow I have had enough OLD experience to not be 100% sure. It doesn’t look like it at all but he is conveniently not on any social media.

@MyOtherProfile his family doesn’t live in the middle east but in a western country where his sister lives. They seem very westernised so I doubt there would be a wife living with his parents but maybe he is in a LDR of some kind. 🤔

OP posts:

Lampan · 08/06/2021 07:43

I don’t think it actually matter of it is cultural or not, the question is can you deal with it? If it’s off-putting for you then I don’t think the reasons behind it would make it any easier to live with.

Original poster

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 07:44

@NotSure94 trying to cut him some slack because with covid he hasn’t seen them for over 1.5 years. But equally I don’t want to be put on ice for over a month by some tinder date

OP posts:

Original poster

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 07:51

@Lampan If it is just a culture thing and everything else is fine and he just spends hols with family because he is single (and if we get into a relationship we can do some holidays together and some with his family) sure. Can do.

If he is in an enmeshed family situation and a mama’s boy nope. That’s why I am trying to determine if this is a red flag.

Oh and he cannot really cook. Am I seeing red flags everywhere?

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/06/2021 08:05

I was going to also pick up on the "normal" comment but I see @Velvetscrunchy got there before me and you acknowledged 🙂

I think that "cultural differences" can sometimes be a bit of a red herring. If he was white British, would you accept this behaviour/habits, would they be okay with you? If not, that's all that matters. You don't have to give him extra leeway because of his ethnicity. He's either right for you, or he's not.

(he wouldn't be right for me! I am very non social though and the idea of spending significant amounts of time with anybody, let alone a partners family, fills me with dread)

Original poster

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 08:37

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation if he was British (whether white, black, Asian etc) I would find it completely strange to go spend a month in say Durham! But I guess it’s different when you can go see your family for a weekend whenever you want if they live a few hours away.

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 08/06/2021 09:54

[quote ToastedFrog]@isthismylifenow I have had enough OLD experience to not be 100% sure. It doesn’t look like it at all but he is conveniently not on any social media.

@MyOtherProfile his family doesn’t live in the middle east but in a western country where his sister lives. They seem very westernised so I doubt there would be a wife living with his parents but maybe he is in a LDR of some kind. 🤔[/quote]
He is OLD but has no social media.

He is long term single but cannot cook.

He is going away for a month, so if it were me I would go on the planned date but I would not treat it as exclusive.

Just proceed with caution Toasted. I agree that something seems a bit off. As soon as I read your initial post, the first thing that popped into my mind was the possibility he has more than just his parents where he is going to spend his holidays.

me4real · 08/06/2021 10:06

maybe the wording, but he said he had “marriage opportunities “. Who says that unless it is some sort of arranged thing? If he is into arranged marriages why is he on tinder. He was vague about his relationship history and I didn’t press too hard (yet)

Because it's not an either/or, he could've been given some options of people he could marry and still turned them down, and still look on Tinder etc. In some cultures/families the arrangedness is more like an introduction agency.

me4real · 08/06/2021 10:15

I personally think he has an ex wife tho.

AlmostSummer21 · 08/06/2021 10:23

It wouldn't be for me.

IntermittentParps · 08/06/2021 10:52

Oh and he cannot really cook.
This is a bit of a warning sign for me.
Also the word 'suitable' about marriage doesn't quite strike the right tone.

The closeness to parents thing on its own I could probably be OK with, but the above make me think proceed with caution, if at all.

RantyAnty · 08/06/2021 10:52

I suspect he has a wife wherever his parents are. It is not unusual for the wife to stay with family when giving birth.

It is expected to spend every holiday with them. Yes every holiday. There isn't any you do some on your own and then do some with his family. If you were to have a baby, expect the MIL to come and stay for 3 to 6 months. You will never be accepted either.

They may live in a western country and all but those traditions are still there for his parents.

I would give this a pass as 1st he is probably already married and 2nd I doubt you would be ok with the family requirements.

Mermaidwaves · 08/06/2021 11:02

Reading more it's very possible he has a wife who lives with or near his parents. No social media, can't cook all point to him being married. Families might appear westernized but like I said before their culture runs deep, even when living abroad.

A lot of my ExH's Asian male friends had wives who lived with their parents but they would have white girlfriends who knew nothing about this! The men would say they married to please their parents so would have girlfriends on the side. I really don't want to generalise but don't assume because they appear westernized that they are.

Original poster

ToastedFrog · 08/06/2021 14:22

@me4real I am myself divorced without DC so not really bothered if he was. He was adamant he was never married.

@RantyAnty @Mermaidwaves thanks. It’s hard to hear as we really connected after loads of shit OLD dates (if you are in the space you know what it’s like). But yes something doesn’t sit right with me about his situation.

I will probably be told off for drip feeding but just remembered he lied about a very tiny thing as well when we first met (it was a Sunday and I had asked him how was his Saturday and he said he went out with friends, and then later in the evening he said he had been doing DIY at home and didn’t do anything special). It set a small alarm bell in my head at the time but then dismissed it in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway thanks everyone for all the comments. I will go on the next date as am not ready to drop him with no solid reason, but will be quite cautious.

OP posts:

Kiitos · 08/06/2021 15:00

You absolutely do not need a ‘solid reason’ for dropping someone.
I too think the cultural reasons thing is a red herring, if you think he is too involved with his parents, do the reasons why matter?

Mermaidwaves · 08/06/2021 15:02

@ToastedFrog
It must be so hard if you've connected after meeting loads of idiots OLD, I totally sympathise as I never met a good one online. I do hope he's not married and I genuinely wish you all the best

AryaStarkWolf · 08/06/2021 15:03

He sounds like a nice guy to me

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