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Original poster

Boyfriend didn't tell me about taking viagra

73 replies

Lb1204 · 07/06/2021 19:45

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice on how to manage this situation.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I would say in general that we have a great relationship. He is very loving and sweet and caring. About 2 months into our relationship he admit that he had been taking viagra everytime we had sex. He is a very anxious person and an over thinker and said he has always struggled with performance anxiety. I was a bit taken aback and upset that he hadn't told me but we moved past it. Since then we have been working with the performance anxiety, it had mostly gone away but he would occasionally get it when he was stressed. I know it bothers him a lot and I have tried to be supportive. In general we have a great sex life and I dont really care about PIV anyway, especially as he is very attentive in other areas.

2 Sundays ago we had anal sex for the first time, it was really nice and i felt very close and connected to him. The only other times I've had anal sex when i was raped (about 10 years ago) so to donit with my new bf felt v special, albeit a bit emotionally complicated. The wednesday after that we had regular sex and I noticed he was very hard and stayed hard after he came. This made me suspicious so I asked if he'd used viagra and he admitted he had, that day and the sunday before, when we'd had anal. I got very upset, maybe I was overreacting but I felt betrayed and humiliated. I feel like he made a decision about my body and our shared sex life without my consent. I think my reaction was heightened by how special I felt the anal was (becuase of the history of rape). I reacted much more strongly than when he first told me this 2 months into our relationship as we weren't as close then.

Anyway, he was extremely upset and full of remorse. We spoke about it and he was very understanding and apologetic. He admitted that he did it becuase he feels under huge pressure to make me happy which makes me feel a lot of compassion for him. Anyway, to come to my issue. Although we moved on and have since got back to normal with each other, today I feel shit. I can't stop thinking about it again, I keep thinking about the anal sex and feel humiliated and deceived by him some how. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but I feel so confused. I'm so sorry this is so long but I hope someone will come along with some wise words about why I feel this way and what to do!

That is for reading

OP posts:

SpamIAm · 07/06/2021 19:54

There are obviously other issues tied into this for you, and it's ok to feel how you feel, but in my own circumstances maybe I'd feel a bit weird about it but logically I can't see any reason why my partner should have to tell me. If I was using oestrogen therapy or something for vaginal dryness I wouldn't feel compelled to tell a relatively new sexual partner about it.

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 19:55

How old are you both op? Is it maybe more than anxiety? Could it be age?

He should have not lied to you. But he may be unwilling to habe sex without help.

LolaSmiles · 07/06/2021 19:58

I don't understand how him choosing to take viagra to overcome his difficulties is making a decision about your body, or how it changes any sex acts that you both seem to have enjoyed.

It's understandable that due to your history, you might have some complex emotions going on regarding particular sex acts, but I don't think he's in the wrong here unless there's a huge drip feed.

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 20:02

I would say though he’s lying, he’s not doing it to make you happy. He knows you don’t like it. He’s doing it to make himself happy. Irrelevant of you.

WhoWants2Know · 07/06/2021 20:07

I think what he does with his own body is his business, and not for you to police. If you react so negatively, no wonder he wouldn't want to mention it.

I have had sex with partners who used viagra, (it's not difficult to spot) but I certainly didn't interrogate them about it. If anything, I appreciated that they wanted to make sure I had a good time.

Whatthefucculant · 07/06/2021 20:07

I'm sorry , I don't understand how that equates to him making a decision about your body or why he would need your consent to take viagra?. I often use a lube with added extras to get me warmed up, I don't necessarily tell my partner.

Bluntness100 · 07/06/2021 20:09

Well I understand the op

This is something they discussed, he lied to her, and he’s still,lying by saying he’s doing it for her benefit.

Houseofvelour · 07/06/2021 20:10

@Whatthefucculant

This.

I think because of the history of rape, your feelings over it all have been very much heightened but him taking viagra hasn't got anything to do with your body.

Have you had therapy for the rape?
I had specialised therapy after I was raped and it honestly changed my life. I'd definitely recommend it. They also provided hypnotherapy which was amazing.

MrsBongiovi · 07/06/2021 20:11

When something is right, it’s easy. This sounds way too difficult for 8 months in.

VickyPicky1 · 07/06/2021 20:13

His body his choice OP. You sound controlling. I think you should end this relationship.

PurpleSunrise · 07/06/2021 20:14

I understand this is difficult for you and he wasn’t truthful, but clearly he has his own significant issues and usually I would think his penis, his body his decision whether to take viagra or not and not really your business. Can I ask in what way you think it was a violation/you think you needed to give consent for him taking it?

PurpleSunrise · 07/06/2021 20:15

I also think if a partner told me I couldn’t take medication that made me feel a lot more confident about myself and had a lot of anxiety, I’d tell them to fuck off. Perhaps you’re just not compatible.

username34512875 · 07/06/2021 20:19

Hi OP.
You’re being incredibly unreasonable here and sound slightly controlling. ED is a taboo subject and can be embarrassing to talk about. Especially 2 months into a relationship. Also, I think it’s unfair to link him taking viagra to him “making a decision about your body.”
You will push him away and do absolutely nothing to help his issues in the bedroom if you make an issue of this.
Why should he have to tell you if he has taken something to help you BOTH during sex? Really confused at this post...

Geanna2 · 07/06/2021 20:21

I think reacting like this us only going to cause even more performance anxiety. Can't you just move past your own emotional complexity and let him crack on if you both get a good time out of it?

KindChick · 07/06/2021 20:26

I’m sorry but I don’t understand. By him taking viagra I don’t see how that so upsetting, I’m sorry I just don’t. It’s his body and it’s about what he is comfortable with/what helps him. It’s not all about you. I think you are over thinking and making this tons more difficult than it needs to be. My partner takes viagra. I’m happy if he is happy.

Original poster

Lb1204 · 07/06/2021 20:30

Ouch, it's quite harsh reading some of these! I'm trying to work out why I reacted as strongly as I did. I think it was because we'd been so open about it in the past that it felt like he was concealing something. I am abit of a control freak when it comes to sex, I like to have all the information upfront. Maybe he didn't make a decision about my body but he did make a decision about our shared sex life without me. Maybe it felt a bit presumptuous.

I guess this is my issue, which in a way is good to know. I always worry about missing red flags as my intuition can be a bit off so its reassuring to here that so many of you dont think this is a red flag.

OP posts:

SweatyBetty20 · 07/06/2021 20:33

My boyfriend suffers terribly with ED and performance anxiety after a previous relationship where he was under an ovulation schedule and so sometimes takes a pill. He doesn’t tell me and I don’t need to know - on the occasions when he did tell me it actually made the ED worse because he put himself under even more pressure. I don’t need to know - he is looking out for my pleasure and his, and that’s fine with me.

Babygotblueyes · 07/06/2021 20:35

It sounds like you are very upset, and you have every right to whatever you feel. But as others have said, the link between his taking the pill and your feelings about it are not clear - I am guessing that you equated his taking viagra to assuming you would have sex? Which feels like being coerced/forced? Which would make sense given your history. And even without being assaulted, no one wants to feel that sex with them is taken for granted. On the other hand, he sounds like he wants to be sure he can please you if you want, and that he is sensitive to pressure. I guess the question is what he would do if he took it and you did not want sex? Do you feel confident you could say no to him and he would respect that? If so, no worries. From what you have said, he sounds like a lovely guy, and I am so glad you have had positive sexual experiences after enduring a rape. I honestly think this is a situation where your (horrific) past experiences are being projected onto something different.. Good luck to both of you.

Onelifeonly · 07/06/2021 20:35

I think you're being unfair to him. He's told you why he needs viagra and he's only hidden it because you clearly don't like the idea, but he still wants to be able to perform. His need doesn't say anything about you. It's not fake sex, just supported sex. Viagra in itself doesn't mean he doesn't desire you or enjoy sex with you.

I think maybe you are reacting to a combination of the anal sex, which has triggered bad memories, and your own dislike of his need to use viagra.

It's your issue to work on. He has ownership of his own body.

category12 · 07/06/2021 20:35

Can you unpick a bit why you feel threatened/upset by his use of viagra? Is it that you think he isn't attracted enough to you or something that makes it an issue for you?

whippitwoowoo · 07/06/2021 20:37

The fact you say you are a bit of a control freak about sex is worrying. What do you mean by this ?

MissCruellaDeVil · 07/06/2021 20:37

I don't see why it's an issue if it's an anxiety related thing?

BigButtons · 07/06/2021 20:37

@Lb1204 do you think you are upset because he has needed to take viagra in the first place?

Wheretobuy · 07/06/2021 20:40

I don’t understand why you are worried about him taking viagra. It’s his business what he does with his body and you are enjoying it loads. In the kindest possible way, it is your own issue, not his, so it is you who needs to have a think. He sounds like a nice guy to me.

jannyapple · 07/06/2021 20:41

I understand the previous assault connection here has raised high emotions here for you but from what I've read ... he's taken this to ensure your pleasure! to not disappoint you sexually and this is something that plays on his mind a lot
I think you need to separate the 2 incidents and get some help with dealing with the rape emotions , you are traumatised still which is maybe why this has been blown up for you?

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