Boyfriend didn't tell me about taking viagra

[Lb1204]

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice on how to manage this situation.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I would say in general that we have a great relationship. He is very loving and sweet and caring. About 2 months into our relationship he admit that he had been taking viagra everytime we had sex. He is a very anxious person and an over thinker and said he has always struggled with performance anxiety. I was a bit taken aback and upset that he hadn't told me but we moved past it. Since then we have been working with the performance anxiety, it had mostly gone away but he would occasionally get it when he was stressed. I know it bothers him a lot and I have tried to be supportive. In general we have a great sex life and I dont really care about PIV anyway, especially as he is very attentive in other areas.

2 Sundays ago we had anal sex for the first time, it was really nice and i felt very close and connected to him. The only other times I've had anal sex when i was raped (about 10 years ago) so to donit with my new bf felt v special, albeit a bit emotionally complicated. The wednesday after that we had regular sex and I noticed he was very hard and stayed hard after he came. This made me suspicious so I asked if he'd used viagra and he admitted he had, that day and the sunday before, when we'd had anal. I got very upset, maybe I was overreacting but I felt betrayed and humiliated. I feel like he made a decision about my body and our shared sex life without my consent. I think my reaction was heightened by how special I felt the anal was (becuase of the history of rape). I reacted much more strongly than when he first told me this 2 months into our relationship as we weren't as close then.

Anyway, he was extremely upset and full of remorse. We spoke about it and he was very understanding and apologetic. He admitted that he did it becuase he feels under huge pressure to make me happy which makes me feel a lot of compassion for him. Anyway, to come to my issue. Although we moved on and have since got back to normal with each other, today I feel shit. I can't stop thinking about it again, I keep thinking about the anal sex and feel humiliated and deceived by him some how. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but I feel so confused. I'm so sorry this is so long but I hope someone will come along with some wise words about why I feel this way and what to do!

That is for reading

I can understand why you feel somewhat deceived and when that involves sex that can feel very uncomfortable. But reading you+kiki

In a way I can see how you maybe would feel set up by him. You take the time to reassure and discuss, you think you are helping to build his confidence, you think it a loving, open, deep connection, and when you finally get to PIV or anal, and it seems to go well, you feel like you've been able to help him with his issues, which could make it seem all the more special. Only to find, after the fact, that it wasn't any of your input or special closeness that made the difference, but a pill.
Tbh, special closeness is often a thing of fairytails, and mostly when a man is having sex it's not as deeply emotional for them, its fulfilling an urge, despite what romantic movies promote. Not quite the same often for women ( not saying this is true all the time, but it's rare). Men just have their bias towards the physical side than the emotional, unlike women ( yes I'm generalising a bit). That's not to say men are not emotional, but they get that side from other aspects of a relationship, such as sharing moments, getting on well, doing things in general together.
So while I get where you are coming from as a woman, he's not likely to, but that's just a man thing so try not to take it personally.

If he has performance anxiety then he will be very anxious about not being able to have sex with you, if the opportunity arose. Honestly, just forget about the viagra...let him decide if and when he feels he may need it. It must be very humiliating for him if he feels he has to tell you every time he takes it. It really isn't a big deal. Just relax about this issue and two things could possibly happen: 1) you will be happier because you will no longer be stressing about it and 2) he may actually over come his performance anxiety if you are both much more relaxed and less stressed.

Hi op

I'm very sorry to hear about your last trauma lovely

I do think that it has a lot to do with how you feel at the moment ..

The trauma was the anal with which you had no control over
You had anal loving consensual sex with your partner under your own control
He has been using viagra because he has issues that's his trauma so to speak

So your mutual non traumatic anal sex with your partner you may fear did not come with your full control, because he used viagra.
He supposedly lied about this and now you may have feelings of being
Out of control as in your past.

There is a chance your unconscious is pulling these feelings back in and mixing them with your current anger with him, traumatising you over again or at least upsetting you.
His use of viagra in his eyes was not to deceive you but to be able to be with you intimately and give you the pleasure he can't with out it.
His trying to get control for himself, in your eyes is stealing it from you ?

Is it possible you can separate your feelings of having control taken away from you and see it, from his point of view?
Is there anything in the back of your mind that might be saying is this right , was this deliberate what am I actually really feeling here? Am I mixing the past with present events, is there a cross over.

You felt genuinely that you had won a trust and was genuinely open and vulnerable with him, if he had said he was using viagra before hand, would you feel different now?

If your trust is irretrievable broken then that's fine your boundaries etc, but is there a cool headed conversation to be had and something salvaged.
Communication is where you take back the control, the past happened lovely
But don't let it destroy a possible decent future

I would feel a bit the same @Lb1204 - especially with anal, let alone anal after rape.

It could feel like someone has used something on you/done something to you which you didn't agree to. I know it technically is penetration, which you had agreed to, though.

I also just kind of get a gross feeling about him. Just a bit sad and/or desperate maybe.

@Lb1204 Omg and also, with anal, we can have an idea of what it might feel like with a partner based on how it usually feels vaginally etc with them- their size and so on.

You consented to his non-viagra-ed penis. Having experienced sex with someone on viagra, I can imagine what it potentially would've felt like for anal. And you would've had no idea. Thankfully it didn't turn out to be a shock to the system physically, but it could've been.

Hmm this sounds like two vulnerable and emotionally sensitive people’s anxieties getting between one another. That’s not a criticism by the way, I class myself as emotionally sensitive too!

This is where some solid and loving communication would work wonders. Both in terms of his performance anxiety, and your reaction to the viagra. When it comes to emotions they are all valid, but what we choose to do or say with them is a choice.

You both seem to be triggering one another, but the real root causes likely lie in your respective pasts. Despite the worries you are both doing extremely well and healing from past wounds. You with the rape and him with whatever caused his performance anxieties.

One gentle suggestion: avoid piling on guilt on each other. I don’t get the feeling either of you are actively setting out to hurt the other, but sex is where we are at our most vulnerable so it’s easy for fears to bubble up.

@category12

Can I just emphasise that I have never told him that he can't take viagra or judged him for taking it! I would support whatever made him feel happy. I just want honesty and communication

Yes, but you did get upset when he told you initially and it's been something you've "worked on" - but perhaps that has actually made it harder for him to be forthcoming about still feeling he needs/wants to use it? Because it's kind of been a thing you're "overcoming" as a couple, so it's I dunno a bit like "couple goals" and he feels shit about not getting as far with it as you thought?

I dunno, I feel like it's his business and his issue to sort out but you've been trying to "fix" him. And that's quite a pressure in itself.

This is how I read it too. The Op didn’t tell him he couldn’t use it, but by making it a thing they have to work through, she’s telling him not to use Biafra and adding pressure.

Op you understandably have issues, but so does he and ED can be soul destroying. I’d try to avoid it too if it were me.

@Guiltypleasures001 @Dervel

That k you so much to both of you for your kind words and understanding. And to everyone else who has been empathic. Me and my bf have already spoken abit about this but I think it's worth speaking again, not really about what happened but about our respective pasts and how they might impact us and what we need from each other. Thank you for your advice

@Rubyrecka

I feel bad for him that he's being made to feel worse about something he's already clearly distressed about.

Work on your own issues stop looking to him.

This.

I have personal experience of this scenario and I'll bet it's really quite distressing for him trying to perform with a anxiety/willy combination that lets him down.

My opinion is it's his body, his choice - it's not about you.

Slightly unclear on how he was deceitful or lied - was he supposed to tell you when he was taking viagra, or was he not supposed to take it? You don't mention any such instructions in your OP.

This does sound controlling. If he had asthma and needed to take his inhaler before the time when he knew sex might be on the cards, or if he had diabetes and needed to check his blood glucose before potentially engaging in energetic activity and possibly medicate to allow for it - would he need permission to take these drugs as well, or be considered a liar if he hadn't told you? Maybe he has the beginnings of a headache, so he 'secretly dopes himself up' with a couple of paracetamol?

I really don't understand the myth surrounding Viagra, that it's somehow only for rampant sex addicts, cheaters, liars, shameful or whatever. As PP have said, would you even tell him if you bought something off the shelf of the pharmacy to help with vaginal dryness? Can you imagine the replies a man would get on here if he had 'discovered' that his partner had 'lied to him' by not 'communicating' that she had taken routine medication for a common health issue?

What if it wasn't even about medication, but, say, hair - some bloke comes on and is hurt and feels betrayed because his partner decided not to shave off all her body hair in advance of when she knew sex might be a possibility - and she hadn't told him of her plans not to do so or sought his permission not to do it?

Yes, some men who don't need it do take it to enhance their 'performance', but for those who do genuinely need it, it's just another medication to solve a medical issue. It's not going to make him suddenly hung like a horse - all it will do is to give him an erection comparable to what a man without any health problems would get naturally.

Why ever would you even care about it, much less think it's all about you? The trauma you've experienced in the past sounds horrific, but he wasn't the one responsible for it.

I dunno, I feel like it's his business and his issue to sort out but you've been trying to "fix" him. And that's quite a pressure in itself.

I agree with this. It makes me think of a particular Hollywood religion that allegedly 'works with' women giving birth to 'enable them to learn' how to give birth silently and calmly - when the actual woman giving birth just wants to have whatever gas, air and other drugs that she needs, as well as making as much noise as necessary, to get her through HER experience.

[quote Lb1204]**@Guiltypleasures001* @Dervel*

That k you so much to both of you for your kind words and understanding. And to everyone else who has been empathic. Me and my bf have already spoken abit about this but I think it's worth speaking again, not really about what happened but about our respective pasts and how they might impact us and what we need from each other. Thank you for your advice [/quote]
That sounds really positive!
You both have different and very sound reasons for feeling insecure about sex and therefore honesty and comms are really important.
Keep talking and listening and you will get there.

I suspect your reaction will lead to him needing to take viagra even more.
As others have said, his body, his choice. If you don’t like it, the is isn’t the relationship for you

Surely you must be able to see that by interrogating him as to whether or not he took Viagra a week ago last Thursday, all you are doing is making his performance anxiety worse?

Maybe just don't have anal sex again OP.
I think you need deep therapy over am extensive period of time before you even consider than sexual act again. It may even be an act that causes too much grief in the aftermath so take it off the table completely.

Lots of other fun things to do.

Another issue with viagra is that it does take a while to work, so it’s hard to be spontaneous with it. That’s ok if you literally plan your sex life but for most of us, we don’t plan ahead like this... so if you have a partner who needs it, you may both have to get your heads around the fact that there are times when he will take it because he’s in the mood but without any guarantee sex will occur.

Personally, I don’t think he’s only taking it for his own pleasure, he’s taking it to feel normal.

Best of luck.