Boyfriend didn't tell me about taking viagra

[Lb1204]

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice on how to manage this situation.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I would say in general that we have a great relationship. He is very loving and sweet and caring. About 2 months into our relationship he admit that he had been taking viagra everytime we had sex. He is a very anxious person and an over thinker and said he has always struggled with performance anxiety. I was a bit taken aback and upset that he hadn't told me but we moved past it. Since then we have been working with the performance anxiety, it had mostly gone away but he would occasionally get it when he was stressed. I know it bothers him a lot and I have tried to be supportive. In general we have a great sex life and I dont really care about PIV anyway, especially as he is very attentive in other areas.

2 Sundays ago we had anal sex for the first time, it was really nice and i felt very close and connected to him. The only other times I've had anal sex when i was raped (about 10 years ago) so to donit with my new bf felt v special, albeit a bit emotionally complicated. The wednesday after that we had regular sex and I noticed he was very hard and stayed hard after he came. This made me suspicious so I asked if he'd used viagra and he admitted he had, that day and the sunday before, when we'd had anal. I got very upset, maybe I was overreacting but I felt betrayed and humiliated. I feel like he made a decision about my body and our shared sex life without my consent. I think my reaction was heightened by how special I felt the anal was (becuase of the history of rape). I reacted much more strongly than when he first told me this 2 months into our relationship as we weren't as close then.

Anyway, he was extremely upset and full of remorse. We spoke about it and he was very understanding and apologetic. He admitted that he did it becuase he feels under huge pressure to make me happy which makes me feel a lot of compassion for him. Anyway, to come to my issue. Although we moved on and have since got back to normal with each other, today I feel shit. I can't stop thinking about it again, I keep thinking about the anal sex and feel humiliated and deceived by him some how. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but I feel so confused. I'm so sorry this is so long but I hope someone will come along with some wise words about why I feel this way and what to do!

That is for reading

If it is because you feel insecure in yourself, I think you are being too harsh with yourself and with him. Just enjoy your time and have fun!

You're entitled to your feelings. He is entitled to make decisions about his use of viagra. I agree with PP that perhaps you're just not compatible.

I would agree with pp that his use of viagra is a decision about his body and not really a red flag as whether it is about ensuring you are happy or overcoming his own securities it is really a him issue. You are entitled to feel however you feel about it though and if it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to take his feelings into account. It sounds like he feels shame at using it (makes sense with it being an insecurity) which I don’t think is right so I would encourage you to discuss it with him and keep an open mind and if you can’t both reach a compromise perhaps seek help or accept you aren’t compatible in this area.

I’d be upset too. It’s really important to me for there to be good communication during sex and if my partner was taking drugs that altered sex for both of us I’d want to know.

Lp1204, I think it’s good you posted as it gives you different perspectives. I didn’t meant to be harsh and definitely not questioning your intuition as your intuition is a very personal thing based on experiences but perhaps the different views are helpful to you. X

Also, I’ve had partners with the same problem but without them taking viagra. Although it wasn’t ideal we worked through it until they didn’t feel so anxious. It took a little time and some listening on both side but it was worth it in the long run.

I'm your husband. I take it as the old boy doesn't work like it did when I was 21 (I'm 54).

It's my business and it will stay that way.

He's doing it so he can enjoy the sex without having to worry about going soft. I suggest you enjoy it too and don't mention it again or his performance may get even worse, maybe even leading to a sexless marriage?

You reacting negatively and making him feel bad about it will only make his anxieties worse and it’s only because of your own insecurities.

If it makes him feel better just don’t mention it and eventually he may not need it. He’s probably ashamed of it too.

For me it’s the deceit. He deliberately deceived her. And he is still doing so. He took viagra so he could get a good sex session in, for his own status faction.. She was just a receptacle. He lied. And he’s continuing to lie.

I am guessing that you equated his taking viagra to assuming you would have sex? Which feels like being coerced/forced? Which would make sense given your history. And even without being assaulted, no one wants to feel that sex with them is taken for granted

This is very insightful and has definitely got something to do with it! I know he would never force me but it did feel presumptuous.

But that's not 100 percent it, I think there's something else as well...Prior to this happening we'd worked very hard on this issue. We spoke alot about it, he told me how upset it made him to not get hard, I would reassure him that I loved him and that PIV really didn't matter to me, we discussed and then did lots of other things that we both found fun, I was super encouraging about all the other things and how much I enjoyed them. He said that all my reassurance made him feel happy and confident and understood. I guess I felt like we'd built up a v strong connection by working through the issue together. I also.told him.about my past and how important it was for me to feel safe and to have lots of honesty and communication during sex. So i guess him concealing this from me really shocked me after all we'd worked on. I hope that makes sense. I dont want this to come across as me criticising him, I do really empathise with him anxiety and shame around this. I'm just trying to work out why it suddenly upset me again today. This thread is really helping!

I’d be upset too. It’s really important to me for there to be good communication during sex and if my partner was taking drugs that altered sex for both of us I’d want to know

This also really resonates with me

For me it’s the deceit. He deliberately deceived her. And he is still doing so. He took viagra so he could get a good sex session in, for his own status faction.. She was just a receptacle. He lied. And he’s continuing to lie

Sadly this resonates with me too
I dont want to feel like he deceived me becuase I know he didn't mean to hurt me...but I do sort of feel that way.

We spoke alot about it, he told me how upset it made him to not get hard, I would reassure him that I loved him and that PIV really didn't matter to me

Mmm, but maybe penetrative sex matters to him?

I don't think you're wrong OP and I can see why you'd be upset. It's really tough because I can see his point of view too, but it feels like he would/should have known you wouldn't like this to be a secret given you've talked about it so much and worked on it a lot together. I don't think you're controlling for expecting full disclosure.

However if you can accept that going forward he might or might not take it and it won't necessarily be discussed with you then things can get back on track, I'm sure you can move forward from this.

I don’t think this is a relationship that is going to last and I’d really recommend you find a good counsellor that you can open up to, so that you can find a happy relationship in your future. Even if you have had counselling in the past, it either hasn’t worked or else it wasn’t the right time to go through what happened to you and your feelings.

I feel bad for him that he's being made to feel worse about something he's already clearly distressed about.

Work on your own issues stop looking to him.

I also think if a partner told me I couldn’t take medication that made me feel a lot more confident about myself and had a lot of anxiety, I’d tell them to fuck off. Perhaps you’re just not compatible.

@PurpleSunrise

I also think if a partner told me I couldn’t take medication that made me feel a lot more confident about myself and had a lot of anxiety, I’d tell them to fuck off. Perhaps you’re just not compatible.

You’ve missed the point, she’s not told him she can’t take it. She’s wanting an honest relationship. Not one where he lies about it, deceives her and continued to lie, he didn’t take it to make her happy. He took it to make him happy.

his body his business - if he tells you good, if you judge - well, I judge you .
Men often feel under pressure & taking medication or health issues can affect them (antidepressants, diabetes, heart medication & conditions etc etc)

@category12

We spoke alot about it, he told me how upset it made him to not get hard, I would reassure him that I loved him and that PIV really didn't matter to me

Mmm, but maybe penetrative sex matters to him?

Being able to get an erection and have sex is really a personal and key aspect of being male, I’ve had bouts of ED in the past and it’s a really difficult issue to deal with and makes you feel incredible inadequate, so I can kinda understand why he may use it

Can I just emphasise that I have never told him that he can't take viagra or judged him for taking it! I would support whatever made him feel happy. I just want honesty and communication

@Bluntness100 You’ve missed the point, she’s not told him she can’t take it. She’s wanting an honest relationship. Not one where he lies about it, deceives her and continued to lie, he didn’t take it to make her happy. He took it to make him happy.

Fair enough OP didn’t say she explicitly told her boyfriend he shouldn’t take it, but I imagine he felt very pressured not to given how upset she was, and so kept it to himself next time. Personally I think he doesn’t have to tell her if he takes viagra, it’s a personal decision relating to his own body, and he clearly has huge insecurities he is managing himself that aren’t all about OP and her issues (I don’t mean that in a horrible way at all). From what OP has said I don’t think it’s about “making him happy” given his serious anxieties, it’s something he did to try and calm his anxieties to a manageable level.
Anyway sorry for talking about you in third person there OP. It’s not to say your feelings aren’t legitimate, I might even feel the same, and no feeling is “wrong”, in my opinion - but doesn’t necessarily mean he was doing something unreasonable.

My DH uses viagra. There is nothing wrong with doing so. You making such a big deal out of it will be making his issues worse.

Can I just emphasise that I have never told him that he can't take viagra or judged him for taking it! I would support whatever made him feel happy. I just want honesty and communication

Yes, but you did get upset when he told you initially and it's been something you've "worked on" - but perhaps that has actually made it harder for him to be forthcoming about still feeling he needs/wants to use it? Because it's kind of been a thing you're "overcoming" as a couple, so it's I dunno a bit like "couple goals" and he feels shit about not getting as far with it as you thought?

I dunno, I feel like it's his business and his issue to sort out but you've been trying to "fix" him. And that's quite a pressure in itself.

As most other posters have mentioned, I think you're being overly sensitive about this, give the guy a break he struggles to perform naturally (which for most men is a huge deal, anxiety and shame) so is taking viagra, not something he needs to give an advance notice on.