Do you trust dp/dh 100%?

[Lostandfound86]

Hi MN

First post and a bit nervous but after reading lots of sage advice thought I would bite the bullet!

I was with ex-DP nearly 2.5 years (no DC), both mid-30s. Both spoke about marriage and kids and I thought we were on the same page. He never gave me cause not to trust him and was always loving, respectful, kind and caring. Lived together since Sept 2020.

Mid-April he said he needed space, but didn’t know how long for or what he would decide (i.e whether he wanted to be with me). I was completely blindsided by this as I thought things were going well. Ultimately I decided I didn’t want to be with someone who is unsure about me, particularly when from my side things seemed to be going well, and if from his perspective they weren’t, he hadn’t communicated that to me!

He moved out and we’ve had limited contact since. Been NC one month today. Things ended so abruptly I’m still struggling to get my head round it.

My question is how I move forward from this and learn to trust again?! I fully trusted him but it’s all backfired.

Do you trust your DP/DH 100%?

Depends what you're asking. Unless he betrayed you with another woman, I'm not sure if your circumstances are about trust, or just a relationship that didn't work out.
Do I trust my OH to not cheat or deliberately betray me? Yes. Do I think that means he should be unhappy in our relationship and not call it a day for fear of hurting me? No I don't.
Some relationships just don't work out, unfortunately. Just because we don't see it coming doesn't necessarily mean the other person has done anything wrong. Next relationship it might be you unhappy.

That is shit op.

Yes, I trust mine 100% but you never know I suppose.

I think it's naive to trust anyone 100%. I trust my dh as otherwise I wouldn't be with him but that's not the same as being blind to possibility.

I trust my DP but not 100%. I never put my full trust in anyone.

Love Many
Trust Few
Always paddle your own canoe.

(My great grandma’s marriage advice)

No, not 100 per cent. Don’t trust anyone 100 per cent as there are infinite weird possibilities that could happen.

@baileys6904 has given excellent advice. It’s awful what’s happened to your relationship and must be quite a shock, but honestly he has done rhe right thing if he wasn’t happy and didn’t see a future with you. People are allowed to change their minds, and it’s horrible and sickening if you’re the one they change their mind about, but almost everyone goes through something similar at some stage. And the only thing that helps is time.

I'm sorry that's happened to you

I trust my DH of 30 years more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life, he's wonderful, but you can never know what's round the corner.

I think the only person you can trust 100% as to whether they will or will not possibly do something is yourself, as you are the one who makes the decision.

Whilst I won't trust anyone 100% (you can't, as you don't really know what they are thinking), I place a higher level of trust in some, more than others.

I don't trust 100% that things won't change in my relationship. More so because something similar happened to me with a previous partner where they were not happy but left it to the point where they had emotionally checked out before they said anything and therefore there was no opportunity for us to work on it.

It seems like the trust you are talking about is that you thought you were on the same page and you had invested your feelings. He did tell you that he needed space. Do you think there could have been an earlier opportunity to communicate that he was unsure?

@PhilCornwall1

I think the only person you can trust 100% as to whether they will or will not possibly do something is yourself, as you are the one who makes the decision.

Whilst I won't trust anyone 100% (you can't, as you don't really know what they are thinking), I place a higher level of trust in some, more than others.

Thing is I don't even trust myself 100%, I can forsee an, albeit unlikely, situation where I may behave differently to that which I'd planned.

Because of stories like that, no.

I'm sorry OP it sounds so cruel and can only imagine the pain.

Some like to think its relationships that aren't as strong, or has obvious issues that end like this (or cheating) but too many times people have said the same, happy as anything, no warning and never thought they would do it.

Doesn't mean I think he would do anything like that, I just wouldn't shout from the rooftops that he would never.

No, I'll never trust anyone again.

DH now exH was the love of my life and we'd been married 20 years when he just walked out and I never heard from him again other than getting divorce papers in the post.

No explanation, nothing. A friend who is his facebook friend said he's found someone else. He didn't have the decency to tell me, never said goodbye to his steps son and yes they did get on just abandoned us.

I will never ever forgive him.

Great-grandma gave good advice. Why don't people give rhyming advice any more?!

No, I don't trust my dp. I don't actively mistrust him either, even though my exh cheated after 20+ years together. But I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket any more; I'm keen on having some kind of Plan B.

I trusted 100%, until I didn't.

If you’d have asked me 3 years ago I’d have said 100% - great man, loyal, decent trustworthy, maybe even a bit boring in a good way. Was wrong (and he’d already had an affair at that point - In the worst way - he was a good actor). Having seen so many relationships go wrong in recent years I might love totally but I’ll never trust anyone totally again.

This doesn't sound like a trust issue. Sometimes relationships don't work out. I don't think it's sensible to blindly believe everything will always be fine. Obviously, all of our previously happy relationships were good until one day they weren't, even if there was no loss of trust involved. To answer your question, yes, I do trust dh to not do anything hurtful to damage our relationship and not to just end things out of the blue and disappear. We've been together nearly 13 years though, so I know him very well. I definitely couldn't have said the same about most of my previous relationships though. But he's a good egg.

What happened to you was very sad but try not to think of it as a betrayal. His feelings changed. It’s unfortunate he was a spineless about it and forced your hand instead of being honest about wanting to end it. But he didn’t cheat on you, or keep secret a criminal conviction or a gambling habit or something. Your trust didn’t ‘backfire’ - your relationship simply ended as, let’s face it, most do!

To answer your question, I trust DP but not 100% because I don’t 100% trust anyone.

Id say, no matter how the person appears, they could be wearing a mask,.so to speak and have a soild back story and be very adept at their personality , their whole cover story ect, sometimes it seems there are people who appear genuine, but then there are the majority of humans, who you just never know, one method I use, assume they are x and go from there. Then hopefully no disappointments.

Disneymillie
I could have written your post word for word. When trust goes, love and respect soon follow. You are then left with resentment.

Thank you all for your messages and support, this is really helpful. I will be banking great-grandma's advice!

I suppose what I meant was I trusted his feelings towards me, and he gave me no reason to doubt whether he saw a future with me, so that is the hardest part to get my head around.

I agree that everyone is allowed to change their minds, and I don't think he was cheating or hiding any "unsavoury" habits from me, I just wish he had been direct about it :( I like to think I am a fairly intuitive person, but I didn't notice any significant change in his behaviour before he left.

@Honey83 we spent the winter lockdown wfh together (we were together pretty much 24/7) and so he had plenty of opportunity to say if he was unsure.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky and @DisneyMillie I'm so sorry to hear what you went through.

Until 31st January 2020 I would have bet my life on my husband being 100% trustworthy. Now I'll never trust anyone again.

As @Phoenix121 said— I did 100% until I didn’t. I am deeply saddened at how untrustworthy and sneaky some people are- even when on paper you have a great relationship.

I don't trust anyone 100%, not even myself.

Maybe because I'm a naturally untrusting person, maybe because the older I get, the more I realise that human beings are flawed creatures. Maybe it's a protective instinct- if you don't trust 100%, you can never feel that level of betrayal.

It doesn't mean I don't love very deeply though- I do. Just always with a small caveat.

Is it wrong to trust your partner/spouse? Is it gullible to assume the best of someone or at least expect that when they do wrong, they will own it not gaslight, lie and deny?

My spouse's actions have frightened me. Not his failings alone but the ability to hide it for years, continuously lie when confronted and minimise. I was literally begging for the truth - all dignity out of the window.

It would be impossible for me to trust him again. My head and heart will not allow it.

I trusted him 100% until he cheated. Now I'm not so ready to trust anyone except myself. There's only one person I can rely on now and that's me.