Do you trust dp/dh 100%?

[Lostandfound86]

Hi MN

First post and a bit nervous but after reading lots of sage advice thought I would bite the bullet!

I was with ex-DP nearly 2.5 years (no DC), both mid-30s. Both spoke about marriage and kids and I thought we were on the same page. He never gave me cause not to trust him and was always loving, respectful, kind and caring. Lived together since Sept 2020.

Mid-April he said he needed space, but didn’t know how long for or what he would decide (i.e whether he wanted to be with me). I was completely blindsided by this as I thought things were going well. Ultimately I decided I didn’t want to be with someone who is unsure about me, particularly when from my side things seemed to be going well, and if from his perspective they weren’t, he hadn’t communicated that to me!

He moved out and we’ve had limited contact since. Been NC one month today. Things ended so abruptly I’m still struggling to get my head round it.

My question is how I move forward from this and learn to trust again?! I fully trusted him but it’s all backfired.

Do you trust your DP/DH 100%?

OP, a lot of men are cowards when it comes to emotions and relationships. They tell you what you want to hear, whether they mean it or not.
Your DP may have had doubts for a while, or have never intended a long term relationship before lockdown pushed you together.
But he may have lacked the courage to be honest about his true feelings, and not wanted to be “the bad guy” who hurt you by breaking up. Also being unable to cope with you crying, or shouting at him.
The crap about “needing space” is coward speak for “I hope you’ll get the message we’re over without me having to spell it out”.
I hope you find a better man in the future, who will be open about his feelings and worthy of trust.

No, I don't trust him but that's because of some very specific and complicated reasons. I will never will trust him, but I love him hence why we are together.

I trust my DH as much as you can ever trust another person, I don't think he'd ever cheat or purposefully hurt me but you can never 100% know what's going on in someone else's head

I do, yes, 100%.

We're both autistic, honest to a fault with each other, and he's never let me down or misled me in the almost 20 years we've been together.

Perhaps one day I'll be proven wrong as others have (and feel like a right and total idiot no doubt) - but in the meantime, I'm not about to start distrusting him based on the way other people have acted.

Yes. He’s open, honest and has a good track record of being trustworthy. I trust that he wouldn’t do anything deliberately to hurt me; although that’s not the same as trusting that he won’t ever change, which nobody can ever know. And my trusting him is probably much easier because I don’t need to. I’d be very sad if our relationship ended, and I’d miss him heaps; but it wouldn’t be the end of the world: I own the house, I have a career, I have my friends, I’m self-sufficient. I could pick myself up and carry on without too much changing in my life, and I have experience from previous relationships ending to know that whilst it feels as though you’ll never meet somebody else you feel the same way about, you generally do. We’re also non-monogamous, which takes away a big element of what many other people seem to worry about in their relationships. I have far less riding on my trust than e.g. an isolated SAHM with no career or money to fall back on, or somebody who cares deeply about monogamy or who is very emotionally reliant on their OH.

I understand what you mean @Lostandfound86. It’s a different kind of trust, not the trust of going behind your back or cheating as such, but trust amd confidence in the love and the relationship that you have built together. That their are dependable and reliable and wouldn’t pull the rug from under your feet or change suddenly to become a different person.

I am single now. I did have such trust in my ex. It was misplaced.

I don’t think I can ever have that sort of trust in anyone.

No, obviously not.

ALWAYS secure your own future.

The only thing I don't trust my DH with is not to eat my chocolate if I buy myself some.

Everything else I trust him 100%.

I am in a happy long term committed relationship (house, kids, etc). Shared values, future plans. Do I trust him 100%?

Of course not. I have enough life experience and enough years on Mumsnet to teach me that no one is that reliable.

I'm in the 95+% category admittedly but no one can predict what might happen. I'm not even necessarily talking about the romantic part of the relationship. A crucial difference of opinion, lack of support or being in your corner/having your back, health changes, life throwing you a curveball, other people. There are a thousand ways things could unravel spectacularly fast.

I'm always the optimist though. Give people the benefit of the doubt, plenty of rope and if they want to hang themselves on the end of it that's their choice!

I’m not sure you can quantify trust as a percentage. How would you know you’d reached 100%? Trust isn’t really stationary, it’s an ongoing status.

I trust my DH about as much as it’s possible to trust a person, but I can’t say that it’s 100%, maybe tomorrow I’ll trust him more than I do today, I’m not sure.

I think it’s possible to assign someone 100% trust and then assume that that’s it, they’ve earned your trust and stop trusting your instincts. You could miss red flags as why would you be suspicious about someone you trust 100%? I think it’s more sensible to see trust as on ongoing process and place as much trust in someone as they’ve earned, rather than decide at one point in time that someone has earned all of your trust.

No
I did till two years ago.
Been with him over 30 years and don't now due to his secret lunch with another women.
Long story but I will never trust him now

Ps makes me sad and I have lost faith in human nature/people unfortunately.

No , he's nothing done anything in over 20 years but you just never know what might happen.

I trust dh 100%
Op, he is my second dh and my first dh cheated on me at least once (possibly twice) so I had every reason to be wary!

If you'd ask me during my first marriage my answer would have been different, I trusted my ex but deep down I wasn't surprised when he strayed.
With dh it's so different, I think we'd probably be less surprised if I strayed and I'm incredibly faithful!!

Yes I trust my dh, however I'm also acutely aware that people can change and they may cheat. So although I do trust him, I'm not blinded by that trust and will never be blinkered or trust without question (I was cheated on by my exh)

Depending on what ‘trust’ you are referring to.
Trust not to cheat, trust not to consciously or knowingly hurt me, trust to put my needs and wishes above most other things, trust to share equally and to provide for our family? Absolutely 100%.

Trust to cook something reasonable or do the shopping? Not so much.

Thank you everyone.

@ToastedFrog that’s how I feel, like the rug was pulled from under my feet! I’ll have to learn to be more careful next time.

@Babdoc I think you are right about him tbh, I just wish he had been straight with me as I was always very open with him.

I trust DP close to 100%.
You weren't wrong to trust him. Relationships where trust is at a minimal are fraught with insecurities and doubt.

@thelegohooverer

I love that saying! Brilliant!

No, I don't trust my DH implicitly, or anyone else, nor do I feel a need for that. I do trust him a lot though.

Very few people,if any, are entirely infallible. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out.

No I don’t, because he’s broken my trust and he lies very easily/casually over stupid small things. I think wtf is the point?

I read somewhere that 'Trust is a confident relationship to the unknown'.

@thelegohooverer

Love Many Trust Few Always paddle your own canoe.

(My great grandma’s marriage advice)

My grandmother taught we this too!

I do, couldn’t be with him if I didn’t. If the trust was ever broken, I’d be gone!

I trusted completely, I was in a very happy marriage, with a happy family life.

Then my husband had an affair.

I am happily reconciled with him BUT I will never trust ANYONE blindly again, no one is safe, this kind of blindsiding happens in very happy relationships and marriages because trust doesn’t control another persons actions.

I know that I now trust myself more and that is progress!

So sorry this happened to you.

I used to trust my husband 100%. Never thought he'd hurt me or abuse that trust. I was very wrong.

We had been together since 1994. It appeared to be a strong relationship. Turned out it was very weak as it only took an invite from a younger colleague to piss what we had up the wall. Rather than being honest he lied. When he was caught in a small lie they just got bigger.

He is now living at hers and has been for 2 years.

I will never trust anyone in the way that I trusted him.