Do you trust dp/dh 100%?

[Lostandfound86]

Hi MN

First post and a bit nervous but after reading lots of sage advice thought I would bite the bullet!

I was with ex-DP nearly 2.5 years (no DC), both mid-30s. Both spoke about marriage and kids and I thought we were on the same page. He never gave me cause not to trust him and was always loving, respectful, kind and caring. Lived together since Sept 2020.

Mid-April he said he needed space, but didn’t know how long for or what he would decide (i.e whether he wanted to be with me). I was completely blindsided by this as I thought things were going well. Ultimately I decided I didn’t want to be with someone who is unsure about me, particularly when from my side things seemed to be going well, and if from his perspective they weren’t, he hadn’t communicated that to me!

He moved out and we’ve had limited contact since. Been NC one month today. Things ended so abruptly I’m still struggling to get my head round it.

My question is how I move forward from this and learn to trust again?! I fully trusted him but it’s all backfired.

Do you trust your DP/DH 100%?

@ZombeaArthur

I’m not sure you can quantify trust as a percentage. How would you know you’d reached 100%? Trust isn’t really stationary, it’s an ongoing status.

I trust my DH about as much as it’s possible to trust a person, but I can’t say that it’s 100%, maybe tomorrow I’ll trust him more than I do today, I’m not sure.

I think it’s possible to assign someone 100% trust and then assume that that’s it, they’ve earned your trust and stop trusting your instincts. You could miss red flags as why would you be suspicious about someone you trust 100%? I think it’s more sensible to see trust as on ongoing process and place as much trust in someone as they’ve earned, rather than decide at one point in time that someone has earned all of your trust.

Yes very true

I would never trust anyone 100%. I trust myself 99%. That's the best anyone else could hope to get from me. Because you never know what anyone would do under certain, particular circumstances. People fuck up, they make bad choices...and some people who we think we know...turn out to be sucky people. Never trust anyone 100%. Always exercise common sense and judgement and take a person on their day by day behaviour.

Hi OP, I understand why you ask. It is betrayal on his side and that hurts beyond pain of relationship ending. Being in relationship means you make yourself vulnerable and have a faith that there is enough between you both to allow for effective communication. It is unfortunate that a lot of people cant do it and instead of talking and resolving issues (or splitting amicably if no chance to resolve) they go on cheating, emotionally detaching, leaving the other side completely betrayed and hurt beyond necessary. Please remember that it might not have been malicious (you can still trust yourself) but it is very likely he was a coward afraid of confrontation. Whatever is his reason dont let it to destroy your future happiness and dont give up on relationships. Go in with faith and open heart making sure you are not ignoring any red flags and if there are little signs (gut always tell us we just tend to rationalise), to bring it up in respectful manner giving yourself most chances to not get hurt. You obviously was more mature than him. Its his problem. He betrayed you but work through that and emotions and let it now help you to move on -equipped in this experience- onto someone better.

My ex lied and was secretive. He had trust issues and then I started not trusting him. It feels horrible being in a relationship where there is no trust.

My current bf is open and honest with everything, even when it does him no favours. It is brilliant being with someone so honest as I can trust him and trust that what he says are his true opinions.

But noone can't trust themselves or anyone that they will always want to be with each other. You can fall out of love and that's ok.

I trust him enough. He puts up with my craziness 24/7, and actually finds it funny rather than annoying. I don't believe he would ever cheat on me, he might finally one day get fed up of me and leave, but I don't think he'd cheat.

I think it's naive to trust anyone 100%

Agreed.

You’ve all really helped me with your insights to process this situation, MNetters, thank you!

@Hehx3 I agree that I don’t think it was malicious, think he was just a coward and couldn’t articulate his feelings as neither he nor his family are very good at communicating their emotions. Thank you for the words of encouragement, I don’t want to give up on relationships (I’d love more than anything to settle down with someone and have a family) but I do feel very jaded atm!

Its okay to feel jaded, completely justified in this situation. Under feeling of anger usually sits unmet need/emotion -it might be worth to try to discover that in yourself and perhaps meeting this need by yourself (for example being heard, accepted etc.). Thats for future. But for now if anger is motivating use it, once it becomes unhelpful you might find you want to let it go and above technique might help you with that. I do wish you all the best 🌸

I will never trust anyone 100%

Thank you @Hehx3 this is definitely something I’ll think about. And again to everyone

yes, trust mine 100%

@Faith50 Yes the resentment eats away at you making you very snipey.

@HerRoyalNotness Yes too, to the stupid lies and no, they didn't protect me!

As you can probably tell I've just ended a LTR - 5 years together, married the guy 2 years ago too like an idiot. I did the classic minimising and it only got worse. I discovered MN around the same time that I met him and learned all about red flags, gaslighting and coersive behaviour. They were all there, right from the start and that's when I found I didn't trust him.

Trust is huge and when it's broken it chips away at the wholesomeness of your relationship, it'll never be the same again. 😞

Floridapalmtree
It must be a wonderful feeling to say that with such confidence.

Once the trust is broken the relationship is dead. You can choose to remain with the person and have what resembles a normal relationship to the outside world but on the inside you have an overwhelming sadness. It eats away to your core and no amount of holidays, jewellery, flowers, declarations of "I love you" will suffice. The damage has been done.

It has taken me contemplating suicide, self harming, having a break down, having anxiety and depression to realise that I would rather be alone. It is far worse to be with someone and look at them daily knowing they brought you pain you would not wish on your enemy.

I used to value being a wife. It made me feel special that someone chose me. I have realised that being unmarried will not make me any less special/significant/relevant.

I don’t trust anyone 100%