Will my sister be a burden?

[Tiddlypeeps]

Long, long term lurker. I am very nervous about posting this but I guess I have reached an age where thoughts of a future without my mum and dad and how my older sister will cope preoccupy me.

I am worried that when my parents are no longer alive I will need to take on the parent-role for my sister. Is it wrong of me to feel dread about this?

For context:
I do not live in the same country as my parents and my sister.
My sister lives with my parents, she is 50 years old
She is 2 years older than me but growing up everybody thought I was the older child as I appeared to have more confidence.
My sister has never had any kind of relationship
She has a job and a fairly active social life but she is very naïve about life and can be taken advantage of easily.
Around 10 years ago she racked up £20,000+ in bank fees. Mostly because she never read her mail from the bank and fees mounted. This has now all been paid back but gives you a measure of her financial awareness.
She is an incredibly kind person.
She is obese and 2 years ago had a stroke - she has done little to change her lifestyle despite having to have surgery for a heart monitor.
My parents and sister live completely enmeshed lives, I would consider my mum to have NPD traits - certainly it was clear to me growing up that I was the odd-one-out in the family as I cared about my appearance and conduct outside the house. We were ridiculed a lot by friends and peers about what we wore/how overweight we were/how untidy and dirty our house was. This has made me incredibly sensitive to comments and looks from other people when I do go out with my sister and parents (my Mum is very loud when out and about and loves being centre of attention).
At around 10 years old I heard my mum telling my aunt that my sister was her favourite. I remember feeling absolutely crushed.
I had a very tense relationship with my mum as a teenager - I was made to feel bad if I went out with friends without taking my older sister with me.

I resent that my parents have done nothing to encourage my sister to live an independent life and the conclusion as I see it will that they will die and I will be left to worry about my sister living alone in another country. Worse she will have another stroke and be permanently debilitated.

Do you think this feeling of resentment and worry is normal? Does anybody else have a sibling who has never led an independent life even though they appear to be able to function as an adult, hold down a job etc? Am I selfish to think about myself and how my sister's and parent's life-long choices will affect me in the future?

Thank you for getting this far - any insight gratefully appreciated!

I don’t think that you need to take on a parent role to your sister. She is not your responsibility, and you can provide minimal support. That doesn’t mean you need to give up your life.
Maybe your parents need to think about this, and plan for it. If they plan on leaving her the house, maybe have a clause where she can’t resell/remortgage etc. So that she had somewhere to live. And that it can’t be used for care home fees.
If she has a stroke and is unable to care for herself, she will be cared for by health/social services. You can still visit/phone/write, you don’t need to give up your life.
I don’t think you are selfish, it sounds like you had a difficult time growing up. Maybe it could be useful to have some counselling/therapy to come to terms with it. At least then you can have worked through the issues, and are not left with feelings of anxiety or guilt if she doesn’t need support that you are unable to give.

Thank you BlueistheNewme for your kind response. I am crying here because you have been so gentle with me.

What you say makes perfect sense when I see it in black and white.

I’m sorry.

I do agree that this is not your responsibility and I think you should make it clear that you won’t move and your sister won’t be able to live with you. If you are able to accept that you have made that decision, it should help with some of your worry about your sister’s future.

It is not selfish to have boundaries.

You crack on and figure out where yours lie.

She is absolutely not your responsibility.

Definitely not your responsibility.

I would explain your position to your family.

With your sister having a social life, maybe she and one of her friends can share the house together. That might be the best solution. There are plenty of older women not looking for relationships but might want to have a friend.

Once your sister is away from the toxic parents, she'll probably learn how to handle things quickly.

You are not responsible for your sister, she works and has a social life, so the life she lives is of her choosing. Do not take on this burden, it will affect your life detrimentally, and I doubt it will be appreciated.
Take it from someone who knows.

You say she has a job and a social life. What kind of job, if it’s ok to ask? Does she have any intellectual impairment that makes her more easily led / persuaded?

If she’s a functioning member of society who just routinely makes poor choices (to some extent abetted by your parents) then it’s really not your problem. If she does need ongoing support - well, that’s not necessarily your problem either, but you may want to speak to your parents or adult social services about accessing support for her.

Your parents have conditioned you for all the responsibility and none of the love. You need to break that conditioning because it's toxic and unhelpful.

You have a better life than your sister because being the black sheep is actually better for you than being the golden child, hard as that is. Golden children can't break away, they feel they will be punished for resisting. Black sheep have to make their own way. Have resilience, live their lives. It's the internal voice you have to challenge.

Your sister is absolutely not your responsibility OP.
It may be that without your parents to be dependent on your sister is able to manage by herself.
It may be that she can't and you need to make a referral to adult social services. Although if she is able to work it would seem likely she will be able to cope on her own.

Definitely not your responsibility. You've broken away, don't feel guilty about resisting being drawn back in.

My siblings are disabled. I do.not take any responsibility for them. They have partners and children now. Sometimes when they need help, they contact their social worker. Your sister ought to contact social services for support. It is not your responsibility at all. Live your life and be happy you're not them!

(Sorry I was on the school-run)

I am so grateful for everybody's comments. They are so measured and fair.

EssentialHummus in answer to your question she has an admin job. It's very low paid so she would not have enough to live on outside of my parents home but she will/would not seek other jobs and she has cripplingly low self-confidence. I think she makes poor choices rather than any functional difficulties.

MrsTerryPratchett you are right about the black sheep reference I think.

To hear people state with such certainly that my sister is not my responsibility is both shocking (to me) and exhilarating in equal measure.

Beautiful3 - thank you I am sorry about your disabled siblings.

I know if my sister had found someone to settle down with I would not feel like this. It's the fact that when my Mum and Dad go she will be alone that really saddens me and leads to the feelings of guilt that I need to be looking out for and supporting her.

Hadalifeonce - you echo exactly my DH's thoughts on the situation i.e my sister has made her choices in life

She is absolutely not your responsibility! Do not worry about that at all.
My concern is that when your parents are gone, you will feel sorry for her and reach out causing you to become responsible for her.
Try not to do that!!

Whe I read your OP, I thought this was going to be about a sibling with learning or severe mental health disabilities.

But this woman has a clerical job and a social life. She has just got into a pattern of dependence in the sense of living with her parents and never striking out on her own.

She's not your responsibility, and nor does she need to be anyone's. She has friends, and if for any reason her life does go a bit awry when your parents are no longer there, It's not going to be anything you can help with. Maybe the house will be a terrible mess. Maybe she won't feed herself well. But that's not your problem.

I know of someone like this. The parents died and she is fine. I think the mother had probably conditioned her to be needy - a learned helplessness.

Your sister is not your responsibility. Please do not allow yourself to be guilt tripped into funding your sister’s bad choices.

Horehound - yes I spend a disproportionate amount of time considering where my sister should/could/would live in the future. I guess if I am being really, really honest I resent the head-space that she takes up in my life.

Hectica and others - yes maybe I am of as guilty of 'babying' my sister as my parents are..

SheepyToaster - well into her 20's my mum was making doctors appointments for my sister/checking with the doctors surgery about my sisters need to have a cervical smear test etc. I would cringe when I heard these things.

My DH thinks my Mum has set out to keep my sister at home to be the primary carer when she, my mum, gets (really) infirm. It is fast heading that way.

Surely your sister has learnt from her mistakes and carelessness? She has a job so will get a pension. Does she have low IQ? If not she should be able to manage. I don't think you said how old she was. Is it likely she will inherit your parent's house - if so she'll have that as a financial buffer? A lot of people go into Retirement Homes/Communities for various reasons and enjoy them. Perhaps that would suit her?

I can empathise with your situation as we have a less extreme version with one of DH's sisters, the key difference being that she has her own home. Otherwise, it's very similar, very dependent on my IL's and I honestly wonder what will happen when they pass away.

But, she's not our responsibility. We'll always include her in our family plans but ultimately, she's an adult who's living her own life. Some of her decisions make no sense to us, but it's her choice.

Tara66 - she is 50. I am not sure about her IQ level - I would not say that she has a lot of common sense,

As for learning from her mistakes it is my understanding that my dad keeps an eye on her bank account but how involved he is I don't know.

My parents have suggested to me in the past that the house should go to my sister. I don't care I have no fond memories of the house at all.

Assuming your sister has no intellectual or physical challenges (and, to be totally honest, that shouldn't be your consideration either, if you didn't want it to be), then no, you have no obligations here.

Your parents and your sister have made their choices, and the buck stops with them.