Will my sister be a burden?

[Tiddlypeeps]

Long, long term lurker. I am very nervous about posting this but I guess I have reached an age where thoughts of a future without my mum and dad and how my older sister will cope preoccupy me.

I am worried that when my parents are no longer alive I will need to take on the parent-role for my sister. Is it wrong of me to feel dread about this?

For context:
I do not live in the same country as my parents and my sister.
My sister lives with my parents, she is 50 years old
She is 2 years older than me but growing up everybody thought I was the older child as I appeared to have more confidence.
My sister has never had any kind of relationship
She has a job and a fairly active social life but she is very naïve about life and can be taken advantage of easily.
Around 10 years ago she racked up £20,000+ in bank fees. Mostly because she never read her mail from the bank and fees mounted. This has now all been paid back but gives you a measure of her financial awareness.
She is an incredibly kind person.
She is obese and 2 years ago had a stroke - she has done little to change her lifestyle despite having to have surgery for a heart monitor.
My parents and sister live completely enmeshed lives, I would consider my mum to have NPD traits - certainly it was clear to me growing up that I was the odd-one-out in the family as I cared about my appearance and conduct outside the house. We were ridiculed a lot by friends and peers about what we wore/how overweight we were/how untidy and dirty our house was. This has made me incredibly sensitive to comments and looks from other people when I do go out with my sister and parents (my Mum is very loud when out and about and loves being centre of attention).
At around 10 years old I heard my mum telling my aunt that my sister was her favourite. I remember feeling absolutely crushed.
I had a very tense relationship with my mum as a teenager - I was made to feel bad if I went out with friends without taking my older sister with me.

I resent that my parents have done nothing to encourage my sister to live an independent life and the conclusion as I see it will that they will die and I will be left to worry about my sister living alone in another country. Worse she will have another stroke and be permanently debilitated.

Do you think this feeling of resentment and worry is normal? Does anybody else have a sibling who has never led an independent life even though they appear to be able to function as an adult, hold down a job etc? Am I selfish to think about myself and how my sister's and parent's life-long choices will affect me in the future?

Thank you for getting this far - any insight gratefully appreciated!

Puzzledandpissedoff - your straight to the point approach made me laugh out loud.

5475878237NC - thank you for your comment.

I’m glad these wise and compassionate responses have given you clarity, OP.

You may find your sister rising into her own, when she’s no longer milky-coddled and treated as a child. Realising she can actually adult could do wonders for her self-worth.

This is interesting reading for me as I have a sibling who is very similar. Totally dominated by our mother and has barely spent a night away from home. They don’t work and have never paid towards a pension or even national insurance, so wont get an old age pension. I dread to think what will happen when my parents are not there to pay for everything. They even buy all the shopping and clothes for my sibling, aged 40.

I have a brother whose 40, has no friends, only goes out for a walk with my mother, doesn't work. But, my parents have enabled this by doing nothing about it years ago. It's obvious he has MH issues that have gone unaddressed. Now he's become an anti-vaccer ( deeply irritating as I have spent over a year working flat out looking after poorly covid patients).
God knows what will happen when my parents are no longer around, it's not like they are willing to discuss it, or any finances. Nothing in trust or given whilst alive, they just don't want to go there, not helpful.
One thing I know will not happen, he won't become my or my brother's responsibility, because no way would either of us be up for that.

NeedNewKnees - yes everybody has been so kind and gentle. It's funny that when I read the messages and hear the voices in my head I imagine an older sister imparting words of wisdom - says it all really doesn't it? - the older/wise/confident/capable sister(s) telling me not to worry,

Hen2018 - it sounds very familiar. The last weekend my sister had booked away with friends she was asked to go home as my dad had been taken ill and was in hospital and my mum didn't want to sleep in the house alone.

Opentooffers - your strength is something I need to work towards - it still feels scary to admit out loud that I have no responsibility for her though.

I can relate to a lot of your post OP. My sister is like this too, though the gap between up is almost 10 years. I don't think she has learning difficulties but her personality and IQ are stuck at around a 12 year old. There's just no depth or critical thinking. She's pretty selfish and goes in sulks when she doesn't get her own way, as if she can't process her emotions properly.

I was quite bright growing up, and so from a young age, I always felt like the older one. My parents also expected me to act that way, such as pushing me to include her in my social plans and babying her. However, as she was actually the oldest, and therefore by default had more money and power, I was fighting a constant battle to make her see things fairly or think outside of poor impulsive decisions, with little control over the situation.

My sister has a non-professional job but lived at home until about 35, when she bought a house (our parents paying half) and found an older bf through a dating site. Their relationship seems to be based on whatever he wants and she just follows like a child, parroting his views. She has no social life outside of this. When not with her bf, she goes back to our parents' house and is treated like a child again by them, despite being in her 40s.

My mother can be quite similar to her and it's always been clear that she favoured my sister and preferred having her at home. If I suggested something to help my sister move on in life, my mother would act like I was bullying my sister. My parents have no social life and never went anywhere or did anything. They were also abusive and my sister just went along with everything while I was the one to point out how awful they were being. Even to this day, my sister is in denial about textbook child abuse incidents. Our house was also dirty and poorly maintained which was also difficult growing up.

These days I'm a bit of a family black sheep as I live abroad with little contact with my family. I have no intention of looking after my sister in any way when my parents pass away. I know my sister can mostly function in day to life when she wants to but just prefers to rely on other people. I spent my whole childhood looking after her and I refuse to do it any more. A few years ago when I returned to the UK and stayed with her for a two weeks, she quickly began to rely on me, such as eating my food instead of buying her own. I can only imagine what would happen if I was there for longer.

As the other posters have said, she's not your responsibility. You didn't create the situation, nor are you the one stopping it from being resolved. Babying her is not helping her. Have firm boundaries based on normal sibling relationships, if you want it, but don't let any one make you feel you have to do more than you are comfortable with.

Mention - So, so many similarities with your experiences.

I would describe my mum in exactly the same way child-like, immature, quick to anger, self-centred. My sister is meek and doesn't like an argument. When I go and visit them it is like stepping back 35 years to a teenage dynamic. My mum will shout for my sister to come into the living-room to chat/make a cup of tea/ anything really. It's not said in a truly awful angry way but it's just there is no insight from her that this is not the way to talk to a 50 year old woman who shares your home, cooks and drives you everywhere. There is no respect.

I too was more academic, this was a bitter subject for my mum. She I believe is dyslexic, my sister struggled at school. I left home for University and never went back. I doubt me mum could tell you what my first degree subject was. But she can and will tell you (proudly and usually with a look of complete wonder on her face) that my sister can recall every number plate for every car she has ever owned (about 4 in total I think).

I can after re-reading what I have just written see that I am moving away from the central question about having responsibility for my sister - and onto the role of my mum in all this. It is very cathartic.

Thank You All

It's a positive sign that your sister contributes to the household by cooking and driving, it suggests that she could cope on her own. That's one thing that drives me mad with my SIL, she expects my IL's (80) to do jobs around her house, cook for her, etc. It's as if she refuses to recognize that they're now elderly with some health problems (although doing pretty well for their age). I've never seen her make my MIL a cup of tea, always the other way around!

Your DM / DF have given you a shocking childhood - you know this as a mother yourself.

Your DM sounds demanding, entitled and manipulative of your DSis.

As PPs have said this “golden child” position comes at great cost to your DSis. However she shows plenty of competency in many life skills - she holds down a job has a social life.

Also she lives at home - so she may just be on easy street - maybe a life of less actual struggle than your own as she must have significant disposable cash and doesn’t have any responsibilities.

The debt situation maybe sounds like a silent rebellion/resistance to her life.

They have also somehow subconsciously manipulated you over the years so that you feel obligated and guilted to take responsibility to care for your DSis. You don’t owe them - they owe you.

You need to do a complete 180 here to recognise that instead of feeling obligated to this family who short changed you emotionally - you need to put in more distance and invest in therapy so that you focus your life on yourself, your DCs and your DH.

Cameleongirl - yes my sister does do stuff around the house (driving/tea/cooking) I guess that is a positive.

Sssloou - you have a very clear perspective of the situation. If I have taken anything away from this thread its that I need to talk to somebody about my childhood and how it impacts me (and my immediate family) now.

tiddly As I read through the thread, I felt a great weight is coming off your back

Op, I'm in a very similar situation with my sister.
I'm the oldest child, she is the youngest and my parents baby her.
She does live alone, but they have set up all direct debits and sort out anything she needs doing, plus they bought her the flat she lives in.

She has a job too, but no social life, instead she spends all her time with my parents.

They definitely mollycoddle her far too much and personally I feel if she were left to get on with things a bit more, she'd get a better life for herself, but any suggestions I make are just shot down, so now I leave them to it.

Like you, I didn't have the happiest childhood and am also the black sheep of the family.

My parents have hinted at me looking after her when they're gone. I've flat out refused and feel no shame in that.

I have 3 children of my own, two who have additional needs and I can't be responsible for my sister too. It's up to them to put something in place for her when they're gone.

You shouldn't be feeling guilty at all. Your sister is not your responsibility.

People have been very supportive of you OP, but pretty brutal about your sister. She is absolutely not your responsibility, but it sounds like her situation is in part the result of emotional abuse and neglect. I’ve see a similar dynamic where one sibling is designated the black sheep but is at least “allowed” to leave and create their own life. The more easily controlled sibling is moulded into an emotional dumping ground/future carer.

People suggesting that the three of them have a frank chat and make some plans - this is not going by happen. If they were willing and capable of that then this dysfunctional situation would not exist.

Sorry op just catching up with this thread.

Tbh I wouldn't even broach the subject with your folks. Just leave them to it. Keep your distances
And if you hear murmurings in the future about who will take care of her...IGNORE! Suggest carers or meals on wheels or a cleaner etc etc
Sound alike your sister is capable enough though, making food, driving, does have a job. It's just your mum has conditioned her to be reliant on her.

Deffo go to counseling, I think it will do you a world of good.

Altiara - Yes you are right. Just getting assurance from strangers that the situation at the moment is not healthy has helped me feel more empowered to help myself. Thank you for the flowers!

I don't ever talk about this with even my closest friends - I am so embarrassed to describe my family dynamic/history. Expressing my thoughts here has been really helpful.

SeventyNineBottlesof Wine - Thank you for sharing your experience.

In a desperate attempt to help my sister gain more independence a few years ago I offered her the use of our UK property at a very reduced rent/no contract/no deposit etc. It came to nothing. She showed no signs of excitement about the possibility of moving out in a 'safe' way (or any emotion at all really). I came to conclusion that she doesn't actually want to break away.

Elisandra - Yes I feel intense pity (grief?) for my sister and a life half lived. She is so, so kind, calm, even tempered. A mouse really. She could have had so much more in life. I wonder sometimes if I helped mould her into the person she is. I was a much stronger character growing up - I feel guilt about this too - was I a bully?.

Horehound - Thank you for your further insight. Yes as other PPs have said she is capable and will likely amaze me with her ability to function alone when my parents are gone. I hope so anyway. I guess Covid lock-down has brought this all into sharp focus. The Skype calls with them sitting in the living room together week in week out. What on earth will she do when she is alone??

Glad this thread has been helpful.

Glad you're going to look into some counseling.
What your mother has done is abuse. She's convinced your sister and everyone else that your sister is some inept invalid.

I really do think your sister will be fine and likely her self-esteem boosted without being stomped down by mother all the time.
If she didn't want to live alone, she can always fine a nice older woman roommate.

Who knows, you and your sister might be able to have a phone friendship one day.

I am in a very similar position @Tiddlypeeps. My dsis is also early 50s, lives with our mother, well educated but works/earns quite sporadically, never had to fully live life as an adult with all the responsibilities that brings. Still behaves and thinks like she did at 21, as if she has frozen developmentally at that stage.

I have recently started talking about it with my SIL (we are married to 2 brothers) because I have been really worried about what happens when mum dies. I am adament that I will not take over a parenting role but it feels somewhat inevitable that I will have to support her to some extent or she will sink.

And I do blame our parents in many ways. My mum and dad were repeatedly warned by friends and family about how they were doing her no favours by mollycoddling her. It was always accepted that dsis was more sensitive, more needy etc etc. They are both now completely co-dependent. Covid and Lockdowns have made it worse.

The only thing I can say @Tiddlypeeps is that we can make every effort with our own dc to not go down this path. If I get to my 80s and my dc have never left home, never full developed as an adult, I will have failed as a parent. I will not let that happen.

RantyAnty - thank you for your positive words. I am not going to lie when you say so starkly (as other PPs have hinted) that my mum is an abuser I panic inwardly. Opening that can of worms and acknowledging that - something that I have kept inside for so long - I am not sure I am ready for that. But it probably is the roots of all that is wrong in the family.

CagneyNYPD - I am sorry you are in the same position. The inevitably of having to be involved in my sisters life is exactly how I feel. If she fails to open bills/racks up debt (again)/loses the house/fritters money away what then? the streets?

I do fully agree with you CagnyNYPD that I do not want my children to experience the same thing - they must be independent.

When I ponder on all this I even wonder if my children (her only young family) will be landed with her if something happens to me and DH. So rather than her becoming the carer of my children they end up having to care for her.

Gah! I realise I am going around in circles with all this and probably repeating myself; and I realise how odd it must seem to have a sister who can function but has demonstrated in many ways she is not adulting well but honestly it has been helpful to get others perspectives on all this.

I am not going to lie when you say so starkly (as other PPs have hinted) that my mum is an abuser I panic inwardly. Opening that can of worms and acknowledging that - something that I have kept inside for so long - I am not sure I am ready for that. But it probably is the roots of all that is wrong in the family.

This is exactly why you should invest in therapy for yourself - in a safe neutral, professional environment. Currently you are silenced, crippled with shame internally and preoccupied and trapped in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that your abusive DM has imprinted in your psyche since childhood. It is never going to go away on its own and it is even if you are not aware of it hijacking and undermining your own parenting of your own DCs just by the fact that you will be preoccupied, have self doubt, etc. This emotional state drains your finite energy so that you have less for your DCs - even if it’s subtle they will sense, absorb and internalise your vulnerabilities even if you don’t say a word - and their own confidence and well being may be compromised.

There is no way that you have come through a childhood like that 100% emotionally balanced and resilient. That’s not a criticism it’s a fact. You have escaped, survived and achieved against the odds but investing in therapy would be the final step to emotionally correct any distress/issues/vulnerabilities once and for all. An example might be that you would never have had to ask the Q in your post or consider that you as a child were somehow responsible for your DSis current status in life - because you would not be burdened by the Fear, Obligation, Guilt that makes you think this way. Awareness of the impact of inadequate upbringing / dysfunctional family on you followed by the healing through therapy could be so liberating to allow you to separate and focus entirely on you, your DH and DCs joy and positive future. Really you shouldn’t be concerned about people from your past who sold you short - you need to me focused on making this up to yourself and keeping them at a distance.

Sssloou - thank you - you are very insightful. I can't put the counselling off now can I?

You are absolutely right that is has/is impacting on my children now. I have such a short internal fuse if they complain (as teenagers are prone to do) about any minor inconvenience that comes their way. My immediate thought is 'how can you complain?' They have clean clothes that fit, healthy food choices in the cupboard, a home that I am fanatical about keeping tidy so they are not embarrassed if their friends come over. All the things I craved growing up. Their adolescent moaning pushes all the wrong buttons for me so I react for too quickly instead of just letting the grumbling ride over me.

I will start researching therapies.

I agree with others your sister isnt your responsibility though its hard not to feel it. Hopefully a conversation about the future with parents and arrangements in place will help- the fact you are abroad makes it easier to raise it.

I can relate, my sibling lives an independent life but has mild learning difficulties and relies on me and my parents a lot for emotional and financial support. She is unhappy with her lot despite having a job, a lovely house and a car. She wants a better job but doesnt understand her limitations so its stressful and a worry about her losing job with a sometimes poor attitude. I do worry about the future. It isnt easy

@Tiddlypeeps

Sssloou - thank you - you are very insightful. I can't put the counselling off now can I?

You are absolutely right that is has/is impacting on my children now. I have such a short internal fuse if they complain (as teenagers are prone to do) about any minor inconvenience that comes their way. My immediate thought is 'how can you complain?' They have clean clothes that fit, healthy food choices in the cupboard, a home that I am fanatical about keeping tidy so they are not embarrassed if their friends come over. All the things I craved growing up. Their adolescent moaning pushes all the wrong buttons for me so I react for too quickly instead of just letting the grumbling ride over me.

I will start researching therapies.

We often try to correct our own childhood by doing the opposite of our parents. Often this inadvertently brings its own issues. It’s good that you can be honest that “there are areas for improvement” - but you can’t know what you don’t know - so you will make a huge improvement in all your lives to explore your own childhood experiences through therapy. This best selling book is really accessible and a great place to start - it really helps to spot any gaps that need addressing. Phillipa Perry is a highly regarded and v experienced psychotherapist:

www.waterstones.com/book/the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read-and-your-children-will-be-glad-that-you-did/philippa-perry/9780241251027

My favourite quote in the book is that “children are to be felt with not dealt with” - I read this as we need to attend to their balanced emotional development and if we prioritise and get this right then many of the other areas of their lives should fall roughly into place - successful friendships, relationships, careers, social life etc.

Lozzerbmc - yes I worry my sister will lose her job too. I know she would not push herself out of her comfort zone to find another job so I foresee the default position being my parents full-time carer.

Sssloou - thank you very much for the book recommendation. I will get a copy. I like Philippa Perry's no nonsense approach in articles I have seen written by her. You and other PPs seem so knowledgeable about this issue I was going to ask if people could recommend a for book/types of therapists. You pre-empted me!

I have a similar situation my sister has MH issues and while she technically has her own home she cannot cope for long on her own and spirals into a cycle of overdosing on painkillers. So she spends much of her time at my parents.

I do not know what will happen when they are no longer here. I have made it clear she cannot live with me. She also has hoarding issues which alone would be a no!

She has been offered multiple treatments but just does not engage with them and does very little to help herself. Eg. Loses important paperwork because of the hoarding but won't switch to email for communication. She just cannot cope with life - this is relatively recent though as 10 years ago although not that confident she was fine living alone.

They do appreciate the issues and they don't expect me to take her on but at some point we need to have the discussion what the options are.

In some ways at the moment it's easy to make that call as because of the overdosing children's services actually called me to ensure my children were not at risk.

TBH given her health issues due to her neglect and abuse to her body which are al catching up with her it would not surprise me if my parents outlived her and it's a non question.