Will my sister be a burden?

[Tiddlypeeps]

Long, long term lurker. I am very nervous about posting this but I guess I have reached an age where thoughts of a future without my mum and dad and how my older sister will cope preoccupy me.

I am worried that when my parents are no longer alive I will need to take on the parent-role for my sister. Is it wrong of me to feel dread about this?

For context:
I do not live in the same country as my parents and my sister.
My sister lives with my parents, she is 50 years old
She is 2 years older than me but growing up everybody thought I was the older child as I appeared to have more confidence.
My sister has never had any kind of relationship
She has a job and a fairly active social life but she is very naïve about life and can be taken advantage of easily.
Around 10 years ago she racked up £20,000+ in bank fees. Mostly because she never read her mail from the bank and fees mounted. This has now all been paid back but gives you a measure of her financial awareness.
She is an incredibly kind person.
She is obese and 2 years ago had a stroke - she has done little to change her lifestyle despite having to have surgery for a heart monitor.
My parents and sister live completely enmeshed lives, I would consider my mum to have NPD traits - certainly it was clear to me growing up that I was the odd-one-out in the family as I cared about my appearance and conduct outside the house. We were ridiculed a lot by friends and peers about what we wore/how overweight we were/how untidy and dirty our house was. This has made me incredibly sensitive to comments and looks from other people when I do go out with my sister and parents (my Mum is very loud when out and about and loves being centre of attention).
At around 10 years old I heard my mum telling my aunt that my sister was her favourite. I remember feeling absolutely crushed.
I had a very tense relationship with my mum as a teenager - I was made to feel bad if I went out with friends without taking my older sister with me.

I resent that my parents have done nothing to encourage my sister to live an independent life and the conclusion as I see it will that they will die and I will be left to worry about my sister living alone in another country. Worse she will have another stroke and be permanently debilitated.

Do you think this feeling of resentment and worry is normal? Does anybody else have a sibling who has never led an independent life even though they appear to be able to function as an adult, hold down a job etc? Am I selfish to think about myself and how my sister's and parent's life-long choices will affect me in the future?

Thank you for getting this far - any insight gratefully appreciated!

Your sister is not your responsibility. Your parents and your sister need to start discussing what the future looks like.

Your sister needs to understand how expensive things are. I absolutely would not allow her to have the house (if it's not already sold by then) because she doesn't sound like she has additional needs. Unfortunately it sounds like she will have to do the young adult thing in her 50s.

I was in a similar situation with DB (in his late 40’s, DP supported him and were constantly bailing him out of financial difficulties). As they got more frail they started hinting that when they were gone it would be my responsibility to “take care” of him. I sat them down and told them clearly there was no way I would be doing that, that he was their child and that I had my own. They finally set up a trust, where he had no access to the principal. I suggest you have a similar, honest conversation with your DP. They may think it harsh, but mine finally stopped hinting. Good luck!

Thank you to all those who have responded to my OP.

I reiterate; the strength of your statements about my sister not being my responsibility have really hit home. I take comfort from them.

Yes User 1471538283 she has never had a period of rebellion in her life to date

Thank-you Pepperaunt for your insight.

Op I can only echo other posters, you cannot consider yourself responsible for your sister, you are not her parent.

And yes, a close friend of mines brother never lived independently. He has undiagnosed additional needs and he has never worked. He currently lives in his parents house alone. My friend checks in on him, but this is really all she can do, she has her own family and him coming to live with her would be a life time burden for her, it’s a difficult situation but she cannot sacrifice her life for his, as that’s what it would be.

Does she live in a country where there is a strong welfare net?

I think if so that will make it easier for you to put the boundaries in place.

This really isn't your responsibility at all.
Your parents should be putting things in place for your sister when they die. You coming back to live with her or near her is not an option. Perhaps you could make that very clear to them so that they know they will need to put a plan in place.

However, she has a job and a social life so I would imagine that when your parents do die she will be perfectly able to cope. She doesn't have to cope at the moment because her parents do everything for her. Once they have gone she will have to cope and I think she will.
In fact, she might even be better and start to blossom once they have gone.

Another possibility is that she might not outlive your parents (sorry to say this) but she's already had a stroke and hasn't changed her lifestyle at all.
You could be worrying about a scenario which might never arise.

Aother voice of support for you, OP.

It's not your problem that, between the three of them, they have chosen for her not to 'adult' to date. The three of them need to sit down and discuss the future. Maybe suggest, in a gentle way, that they do so .

No direct experience but I have a friend in a similar situation, who's recently sat his parents down to make his position very clear, in a loving, caring way.

Thank you Bluntness 100

FFSFFSFFS - she lives in the UK - I would like to think a good welfare net but if she has no additional needs and makes careless life choices then should/would the state get involved.

My best hope, I guess, is that the house becomes hers and she lives in it until she can no longer manage then sells up and downsizes to a residential home in late life.

I do not spend any time picturing my future to this extent!

ihtwsf - I am afraid to say that when I am in the depths of despair about this I do consider the possibility that she not out-live my parents.....

safferupnorth - thank you - I think you and others are right - a conversation is needed. So far I guess I have avoided it as it will bring up lots of issues. I can picture my mum now incredulous that I would even need to be thinking about such things.

I think that makes it a LOT easier that she is in the UK.

I think its all well and good to talk about boundaries etc but it would be very hard in reality if there was the possibility that she could be left in real need.

She's in the UK - there will be support for her. Not your responsibility.

If you want to - to try to get it off your mind - have a frank discussion with your parents (although I imagine that is unlikely to be easy...). But if not - meh.

I could very easily have been your sister but I escaped and am now half way across the world. She doesn't need me at all yet - but I know that everyone really expects that if/when she does become older and need help I'll come back and help. Even though I haven't talked to her for about seven years. It is taking me a VERY long time to shift that sense of responsibility. But I am getting there....

Boundaries - they are a thing of joy.

(I'm referring to my mother in terms of needing me to look after her....)

Hi. She isn't your responsibility and she may surprise you.

One of my friends was also babied and controlled by her mother throughout her life and persuaded her to move in to a split house about 10 years ago. Luckily she didnt quit her job but has in essence become her carer (as the mum refused outside help).

However, she is senile now and my friend has taken over the businesses, still lives and helps look after her mum but has also brought in outside help.

This is someone who until a few years ago had never paid a utility bill in her life. She now manages a big portfolio of properties, doing renovations, rentals etc. I am in awe of what she has successfully taken on so well and so quickly.

FFSFFSFFS :-) yes there are very few boundaries in that household. I definitely feel that my mum is key to all this and my dad (and to some extent my sister) is the enabler allowing my mum to ride roughshod over anyone's views/thoughts or feelings. However I may just be bitter about my childhood/teenage years.

I will take on board all of the useful and supportive comments that people have made and go and make dinner!

Sakurami - that is uplifting to hear. My sister has also never paid a utility bill in her life. I hope, when the time comes, she does surprise me...and herself...

Agree with others.

Not your responsibility and not realistic either as you live far away.

Your responsibility is to your children and husband.

Your parents and sister are solely responsible for their choices.

Do NOT become involved.

Perhaps get some real life therapy to support you.

You have had a tough life but somehow have thrived.

Your children need you to be strong and well.

Protect their future by protecting yourself.

Just to reiterate.
Your sister is NOT your responsibility.

You made the choice to move away abroad. You have your family. These people are your responsibility first and foremost (after yourself of course). She could have made the same choices.

The fact your dsis is taking so much head space is making me wonder if you wooldn't benefit from some counselling. Clearly the pattern where 'you are supposed to take your dsis with you when going out' and have some sort of responsibility towards her is still there - hence you feeling guilty.
Maybe it's time to fully break the link your parents/mum imposed between the two of you as a child.

I can imagine it will be difficult to have the conversation but if you have said already she will inherit the house then at least you are not worried about that .

I was going to suggest a power of attorney so you could handle her finances remotely for her but I am not sure if you could arrange that from abroad and she would have to agree.

Perhaps you could ask your father by saying you are a bit worried about how she will cope when they are gone . You understand she will have the house and you don’t have a problem with that . But in view of her history does your father feel there should be some kind of help you could offer to protect her and the house ? What would happen if she met someone who took advantage of her and left her penniless ? If he is helping her with her finances now perhaps he would understand that ? Could the house be in both your names with you agreeing she could live there as long as possible ?

It’s possible that when you lose the first parent, then she will have to step up on the ‘adulting’ to support the remaining parent. So she would get experience that way.
Not the same, but my dad died relatively young leaving my mum behind with no knowledge of all the finances. Dad did it all but mum has managed to cope well, can’t do online banking but the rest is dealt with.

I wouldn't bother suggesting any solution to your parents or sister to be honest because then they'll see that as you offering to help them more and then they will slowly draw you into emotional games of responsibility that isn't yours to take on

Huge manipulation going on here from them

Similar situation in my life unfolding and it could end in a complicated way if I didn't maintain my boundaries and keep my own kids as my priority not my sister and parents.

Priorities, that's the key word here OP!

If they haven't asked for your help, then leave them to it. Difficult I know.

She’s certainly not your responsibility!
Lots of people have low paying jobs but that doesn’t mean their siblings need to look after them.
She is an adult she needs to sort out her own life.

My DH could have written this about his brother, OP. He's in his fifties, morbidly obese and lives with their mum still. He has a school leaver-level job that earns him pin money to buy more junk food. He's got a litany of health issues and has been hospitalised. My MIL worries about him desperately, as do we, but when she's no longer here we won't be assuming responsibility for him because he's an adult who makes his own choices. He'll be provided for via inheritance and we'll obviously keep an eye on him and be supportive, but we're not going to become his pseudo-parents and nor should you with your sister.

I think she makes poor choices rather than any functional difficulties

This is why she's not your responsibility - not that she would be even if it were otherwise

No doubt your DM will be incredulous that you should even mention this, but it's very easy to act surprised when someone else is being expected to pick up the pieces, and that still doesn't make it your problem

It's probably no bad thing you're in another country, but anyway I'd keep it simple and just keep asking what plans they've made for her. "That won't be possible/won't work for me" should cover you personally, and then you can return to the original question

It doesn't matter what her issues are, being a sibling doesn't automatically mean you must take on caring responsibilities for someone else's child at whatever age they need it. You are perfectly entitled to your own life and boundaries OP.

Billy1966 and KeepingTrack - you are right, seeing the strength of replies here has made me realise counselling is needed. My DH has been suggesting it for years but I dismissed it as my childhood doesn't seem as traumatic as others.

Unsure33 - you have given good financial suggestions particularly about having joint ownership of the house so that I can keep a benign eye on it.

NaturalBloneYeahRight - I am sorry to hear that your Dad passed away early.

Fairyliz - when you put it like that it seems so obvious!

13579db thank you for your words of support.

LoudestCat14 - it's too perverse to say I am 'glad' there are other people out there experiencing the same thing as me ...but it is (sadly) reassuring. Do you think your BIL has mental health issues?