If you stayed - even though you weren’t happy - how have you managed it?

[Honeybeetaxi]

I’m currently staying in my marriage for these reasons:

The kids
The fact he will be so upset
The fact that splitting up will mean I will lose my dc 50% of the time despite doing everything for them since they were born - he’s never done anything.
He’s familiar and it’s the safe option.

So I’m stuck.

But I’m not happy. I’m restless, checked out and feel so uncared for and lonely.
If you made the decision to stay and felt similarly to this, what made it better? Pandemic has made it worse because I’ve drifted from my friends. I feel scarily alone and it makes me anxious, but if I left him I’d actually be alone so it wouldn’t be any better.
We have had some good times but I think it’s more the family unit than him per se. I don’t feel any connection to him at all, I don’t want him to be hurt or upset or anything, but I also don’t want to spend any time with him or do anything with him. I am one foot out the door. I need to get both feet back in the door one way or another.

Bump for you as I'm in similar situation

.

Bump.

How is it possible for men like this to get 50:50 when they've done bugger all so far?

I am staying for the house, and to not upset anyone.
I don’t love him anymore, haven’t for a couple of years.
Slept in separate rooms, no sex for about 2 years.
I was watching a programme last night and the couple were sat on the couch, his arm around her shoulders, and I thought how nice it must be to have a cuddle.
I just can’t do it. I frequently want to, but just can’t.

Fundamentally it's the wrong thing to do for all involved. He deserves to be with a woman who loves him, is invested in him and wants the best for him. Your children deserve to not feel guilty as adults because you stayed in a relationship that was finished long ago with them being your reason. The children also deserve to have a happy and fulfilled cheerful mother. They will pick up on the tension and it will be miserable for all. You have no intention of long term staying with him you are just kicking the can down the road to deal
With another day. The damage you will do to your own mental health may be irreparable. The feelings of indifference will turn to frustration, to hate, to anger and then it will be so much worse. Absolutely nobody at all will benefit from this 'tactic'

Because then they don’t have to pay anything and to not get 50/50 there basically has to be abuse or neglect - so I have to anticipate it’ll be 50/50 even though I know my dc won’t want that because DH has a temper and can be unpredictable.

Read what @FlowerandBloom said a few times.

My DPs parents did this. He grew up with constant bickering, fights, contempt and unhappiness. With parents that don’t show affection to each other and slept in separate rooms. Ruined holidays. Don’t for a moment think children wouldn’t notice or would be thankful to you.

They divorced when he was an adult and it has deeply affected him. Think what example you are setting for your children.

If you have kids of school age you should get more than 50%.
Do either of you have private pensions ?

Hey, @Honeybeetaxi I am really sorry that your experiencing this, living an unhappy life is no way to live.

As a daughter who comes from a split family, I can honestly say, hand on my heart, I am so thankful and proud of my mother for leaving when she did, when my brother and I were children.

I am reaching my 30's now and my mum left my dad after years of unhappiness and not just physical but mental and financial abuse when I was 10, my younger brother was 7.

The day we left we packed up our stuff in black bags and had nowhere to go but I can honestly say when we found a safe place, it immediately became home and we were able to rebuild together a happier environment.

Your partner doesn't have to be a bad guy for you to leave him, he could be the most incredible man in the world and still not make you happy. Which means you need to do that for yourself. He too deserves someone that he can make happy, that might not be you and that's okay.

Nothing will affect your children more than you being unhappy OP, it doesn't matter your reasons. It won't be easy but it would be worth it

If you prefer the set up then that’s fine. It’s not like his abusive. Being checked out and living like house mates is fine as long as you BOTH know that’s the case and are happy with it.

He won’t really talk about it.
I’d like a better relationship but I think I’m too far down the checked out line now to do much about it.

An old colleague/friend of mine absolutely despised her DH but stayed with him for years until her kids were adults. I think they had a fairly substantial mortgage as well as they had borrowed to extend.

How she coped? Involved herself with work/PTA/kids'activities/hobbies. I also think she had some sort of occasional FWB arrangement for sex but she didn't talk about it openly. I dont think there was any arguing or fighting in the home. They just lived as flatmates with their own lives and separate bedrooms.

I have never asked her if it was worth it or she regrets staying but she's divorced now and happy as Larry.

I did it for 6 years. Its was soul destroying. Just leave now.

You won't really be able to move on while you are living with him and you are denying him the chance to even try. Is he so awful you would take that chance of happiness away from him forever? In reality he won't do 50:50...he won't be able to get out of work, won't be able to do half the school holidays he just won't whatever he threatens. I think what you are proposing is just really selfish (I know that sounds awful I don't mean it to but there isn't another word so please don't be offended!) you are affecting all these other people because you aren't brave enough yet. But you will be, you will have to be because you can't stay. Just give yourself time and then you will be able to do it. And when you are ready search mumsnet for ducks in a row

You sound thoroughly frightened of him and that’s not surprising given that he has a temper and is unpredictable.

Have you actually sought legal advice re the children. Some abusive men threaten 50/50 as a way to further control the woman in the relationship because they know it’s their Achilles heel.

You are really staying in this for your own reasons and the children are no reason to stay with such a man.
Staying for the sake of the children is never a good idea because it teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie. It’s also a heavy burden to place upon them and one they will not say thanks for either. I would urge you to make the break and sooner rather than say when the kids are about to set off for university.

I know - but read the children and divorce thread and it’s just 😫
I don’t think divorce is better for the dc unless there is abuse.

To be fair, the other person is settling too. They could make the break.
I really wish my DH would start a conversation about it.
I started one some time back, bared my soul, but he said that he wanted to continue as we are. There was some mention of change or trying again, but nothing has changed from his side and I’ve no intention of it.

I stayed for 12 - 18 months longer than I wanted to.
I'm so glad we are separated. He annoys the living daylights out of me (+ that putting it mildly)
To help, I made myself busy. I got new hobbies, I encouraged him to do more out of the house, I started leading my own separate life. I went away a couple of times for the weekend.
Keep busy.
But I honestly think it's not sustainable as you will end up resenting each other.

I’ve spoken to DH before and he makes an effort for a bit but then it goes back.
I’ve been at work til 4pm, went and fetched the kids, got back and did dinner, now will tidy up.
He appeared at 5pm and is lying on the sofa watching some dross on tv because it’s always what he wants on as apparently we get the tv in the day, even though we don’t as at school / work. I will do everything this evening with the dc and I was up two hours before him this morning to get them up, ready and drop them to school.
This is the norm.
He is good at the showy stuff. He’s good at the holidays - in terms of agreeing to pay for them although he doesn’t do 50% of the work when we are away - and the big days out, but the day to day he contributes very little.

If I’ve learned anything from mumsnet it is that people will always shout leave, you deserve happiness etc etc when the reality of leaving is never as simple as that. What age are your DCs? It really depends on whether you think the love has totally gone or whether at the moment because of lockdown, family life etc you have become totally disconnected to each other. Before giving up on the marriage I would sit down with your DH and ask how he is feeling, maybe he also feels lonely and disconnected too, there may be some way to get the marriage back on track if you both want to. It really depends if you have totally checked out of the marriage and how long you have been feeling like this and whether it’s worth trying to fix it. I think the main thing is communication - unless you sit down and talk about it neither of you will know what the other is thinking/feeling.

But you seem to be very afraid of him and he has a temper. Abuse is not solely physical in nature.

So this man is really a Disney dad letting you do all the hard work of parenting.

I don’t know why I am afraid of him, I think that’s a reflection on me, not him.

I am tired of him not doing anything though. Very tired of it.

Dd - 6 - cries for me if she’s ever left with him, which I think is usual at 6? She says she misses me. Ds - 13 - outwardly says things like respect should be earned, dad just thinks he can command it without earning it.
He’s pretty scathing of his father, however he’s also told me he wouldn’t want us to get divorced.

I didnt stay, I left. I wont pie, the last year where we’ve still had to live together has been hell, esp as we both found other partners...and now he’s gone Im financially well and truly buggered.
But, and this is an enormous but...I’m me again, I'm getting the cuddles I craved for years, amazing sex, fun, hand holding eye gazing lovelienss, told Im incredible every day...and I’m now gutted I wasted so long wishing he would change, step up, do his share, be a partner in the true sense of the word.
One child is really struggling, but we’ll get there...the eldest is far happier now he’s gone and totally gets why I left.
You have one life.
One.
Don’t spend it with someone who makes you feel half dead inside. You both deserve more.
Ex is also happier, and although he’s been a dick of the worst kind and tried to screw me over in every way, I’m glad for him...he deserves happiness too.