If you stayed - even though you weren’t happy - how have you managed it?

[Honeybeetaxi]

I’m currently staying in my marriage for these reasons:

The kids
The fact he will be so upset
The fact that splitting up will mean I will lose my dc 50% of the time despite doing everything for them since they were born - he’s never done anything.
He’s familiar and it’s the safe option.

So I’m stuck.

But I’m not happy. I’m restless, checked out and feel so uncared for and lonely.
If you made the decision to stay and felt similarly to this, what made it better? Pandemic has made it worse because I’ve drifted from my friends. I feel scarily alone and it makes me anxious, but if I left him I’d actually be alone so it wouldn’t be any better.
We have had some good times but I think it’s more the family unit than him per se. I don’t feel any connection to him at all, I don’t want him to be hurt or upset or anything, but I also don’t want to spend any time with him or do anything with him. I am one foot out the door. I need to get both feet back in the door one way or another.

I stayed for ages, mainly down to not being able to bear the thought of being away from my DC 50% of the time.
My STBXH was like yours too. Did absolutely nothing.
He doesn't have 50:50 now, I didn't even contest his wish to do so. Knew, as you do, that if push came to shove I'd have to go along with it.
I'm not going to lie, some days have been very very hard. First time he took them away (Disney, where else!) for example I barely slept.
My DD was 6, DS was 11. I don't know what age yours are?
However, and I really do mean this, I have never regretted my decision. I was becoming a horrible, resentful, bitter person. I get me time now... me time! I can be fun mum because I'm not absolutely bloody exhausted! My STBXH has to do packed lunches, wash uniform, the endless meals, shop, washing up, clean cycle.
I'm not saying its easy, but I think if you listen to your gut you'll get your answer.

I could have written your post op.

But in addition, I am also peri-menopausal so wouldn't want to make any rash decisions anyway.

I absolutely get the loneliness bit and I have asked myself how I can make my life better and basically, I am planning a separate life - separate hobbies etc. and just throw myself into things as someone mentioned upthread. Also would like to get a dog further down the line.

I have young dc. Beware, you will soon be told how much damage it does to dc etc. and can end up on a guilt trip. I'm watching a child whose parents are divorcing now and the dc is going through all sorts of trauma and acting out so there is always a flip side. Our household isn't particularly volatile, though husband isn't the most patient of people, it's liveable. The alternative = single parent and I don't fancy that option either particularly with young dc (looking at recent threads on mumsnet. I realise this doesn't apply to all, I have a lot of admiration for sp. and not judgement) but you have to be realistic when you don't have a support network (no extended family etc.)

It all looks rather lovely from the outside, I think this intensifies the feelings of loneliness and not having a support network, I think this is a big factor plus ages of dc, plus being potentially thrust into a job I won't enjoy (I am a sahm) - there are always downsides to 'Ltb'. But I do get the rationale in an ideal world.

Interested to see if anyone has from experience, any more advice to give.

Watching with interest.

@RubyFowler

I stayed for ages, mainly down to not being able to bear the thought of being away from my DC 50% of the time. My STBXH was like yours too. Did absolutely nothing. He doesn't have 50:50 now, I didn't even contest his wish to do so. Knew, as you do, that if push came to shove I'd have to go along with it. I'm not going to lie, some days have been very very hard. First time he took them away (Disney, where else!) for example I barely slept. My DD was 6, DS was 11. I don't know what age yours are? However, and I really do mean this, I have never regretted my decision. I was becoming a horrible, resentful, bitter person. I get me time now... me time! I can be fun mum because I'm not absolutely bloody exhausted! My STBXH has to do packed lunches, wash uniform, the endless meals, shop, washing up, clean cycle. I'm not saying its easy, but I think if you listen to your gut you'll get your answer.

Sorry, he does have 50:50 now

Also, to say...my husband is helpful around the house where as others aren't.

My life also looks pretty good from the outside. I don’t have to work but I do because I need the independence and DH never shared the finances. I don’t need to work in terms of us as a family - I just need to if I want anything extra or for me. As a family we are high earning, as an individual I am poor. 😂
I just don’t want to spend any time with him, the thought of a week away with him makes me feel hopeless but the thought of him going with the dc and perhaps taking his mother to replace me also makes me feel hopeless.
I suppose I feel restless and lonely.

The years I spent wanting to leave, but not, I spent really working on my career.
That was really essential on two fronts, needing something for myself, and making it possible for me to leave should I ever decide to.

Dear OP, I have been with my STBX for 26 years. When we met and for the first few years I loved him more than anything in the world, but pretty soon I realized how different we were and that he definitely was not my soulmate. He does not physically abuse me, does not have affairs, is not drunk, but I have been very unhappy for a long time and recently learned through therapy, that what he does is abuse, emotional and financial. I never really considered divorce, not sure why, cannot say I stayed for the kids, I simply stayed because I though that is the right thing to do. For years, I have tried to have regular sex with him too, as I knew this was important for him, but I have not been interested in sex for a very long time. Last year, before pandemic, something just clicked for me. I was turning 50 and that made me look into my life and I was shocked. I literally looked in the mirror and could not recognize myself. I used to be happy, cheerful person, full of life and love for others. I became this grumpy old women, cynical and resentful, sad, angry, tired. I started going to counseling and ... there was no looking back. Therapy helped me understand how I felt, the dynamics of our relationship, how unhealthy if was and actually abusive. A little over year later, I told my husband that I do not want to be married with him anymore. Why? Because he does not love me the way I need to be loved, does not appreciate me, does not respect me, controls me and does not make me happy.

So to answer your question, no it is not worth it. I know that there are many unhappy couples all over the world, staying together for money, kids, or tradition. I say, to hell with it. We, all of us, deserve to be happy, to have the best life we can possibly have, to take care of ourselves and our needs. Taking care of our children does not mean not taking care of ourselves. I think we can do both, at the same time and we should.

I to could have written everything you have, I don't don't know to cope with it,
I just simply do not love him can't stand to be touched by him in anyway, am still here for DD to have a secure family that I never had,
I hate my home life to the outside oh it's great, but I desperately crave adventure, love, respect.
My H has been told also how unhappy I am, that sex affection kissing etc of off the table forever am here for DD.
He's talking about holidays this year normally I'd take care of it book something, this year I can't bear to think of spending a whole week together a full day is more than enough.

I think the decision is easier if there is abuse mixed up in it. In my case there isn't (although a few attempts at coercion/manipulation in the past) but equally no affection/emotional support. But then I tell myself...you wouldn't necessary find affection anyway (look at all the threads and all the many ways men let women down). Some individuals who have recently got divorced have been supported by their parents - a listening ear and practical help, even financial. I don't have this (although financially I probably would be okay).

I'm interested in how I can take better care of me so I can lead the life I want as much as possible in other respects (tricky with young dc). I'm heading to therapy soon. I can't wait to offload all this stuff in real life.

@Honeybeetaxi

I know - but read the children and divorce thread and it’s just 😫 I don’t think divorce is better for the dc unless there is abuse.

Just want to make the really important point that the children and divorce thread is an entirely skewed sample as only people who are having bad experiences will post on there - no one is going to start a thread saying hey we split and the kids are doing great! Loads of couples split up with everyone, kids included, ending up so much happier. I split with my partner when our son was 2 and it's been the best thing - we are both happier, get on much better, our son's relationship with his dad has grown so much stronger from the one-on-one time they get and I get at least 24 hours to myself every weekend which is wonderful. If kids have two happy houses to move between it doesn't have to be traumatic at all.

I know your kids are older but as PPs have said they are likely to be far far better off with a happy mother than with an unhappy one. It's also super important to remember that the relationship modelled by parents has SO much impact on children's future mental wellbeing and how they themselves model relationships. I think modelling a healthy relationship is one of the most important things we can do for our children and modelling an unhealthy one can be so harmful. My parents split when I was 14 - I was fine and happy to see my mum happier - my much older brother who lived through their very unhappy relationship ended up much more messed up. I know it is so terribly terribly hard though. Good luck X

I am hijacking your thread, OP. Sorry. I don't want my own thread but I do want to put these things somewhere in Black & White. My wished-ex-DH does a lot around the house. There's no abuse in our situation -- we're equally shitty human beings with amiable interaction at moment (but have slept apart for > 10 yrs). I'm trying to find courage to announce we must Divorce. These are my expectations about my life due to divorce. I have to accept all of this is realistic to proceed.

• H's family will hate & ostracise me
• H will go into a super nasty black sulk for weeks-months-years that punishes everyone in our household
• My family will express equal parts sorrow & disappointment
• Lawyers will make a lot of money out of us
• I will end up in mediocre limited housing with unpleasant neighbours
• Money will be a lot tighter for many yrs to come
• Various things about my lifestyle will be harder, not how I like them
• Lots of DIY things I can't do for myself -- I'll miss that convenience that H does those things well
• DC will be just as screwed up as they ever were going to be, just as relationship dysfunctional
• Youngest DC will be very hurt & upset, emotionally devastated

It's reaction from youngest DC that I fear most, is hardest to risk.

I don't fear loneliness, no sex, no love. Fine with all that, at least!

Obviously lots of people make peace with identity = "divorced". I wonder how it will feel to me.

Very few children would say they want you to get divorced, that's not a reason one way or the other.

I thought I had checked out too but was autopilot so wasn't actually doing anything about it. But now we've started counselling and she is very good and we're getting somewhere. We can talk now and the mood is much lighter. We understand one another more and cut one another some slack more etc. I'd recommend it.

@Honeybeetaxi

Because then they don’t have to pay anything and to not get 50/50 there basically has to be abuse or neglect - so I have to anticipate it’ll be 50/50 even though I know my dc won’t want that because DH has a temper and can be unpredictable.

Hang on this is a good reason to get out and to push for minimal contact if he is abusive? What do others think?

Surely you can't just stay out

I guess you need to ask yourself a few questions:

How sustainable is this life?

Do I deserve happiness, and where will I get this from?

Would this facade fool my children as they age? How do I handle it if it becomes noticeable and they ask?

What would I advise my children if they were in this type of marriage/relationship?

I'll be honest, I felt the weight of judgement on this thread.

I left my marriage. There was a reason to, but behind that was the same issues as you report. I knew staying for the kids, him etc would have been at the cost of me. I would have been a hollowed out version of myself to appease everyone else. It's been HARD but I'm very proud of myself and I am starting to feel very empowered. We co-parent well and are doing the best we can. I honestly feel like the kids got me back, as I was so miserable. When we're together it's intense but great, and then when I don't I recharge and do things for myself and that makes me feel good and a better parent.

Staying is at the cost of me, and there’s no doubt. But I don’t want to leave to the cost of them.

I’m glad you are feeling and doing well Febo24 that is what I aspire to really

Might be worth reading through this thread on separation vs staying which has been active for ages - there's loads of comments from people who have stayed in unhappy marriages and those who have left: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/4223111-aibu-to-ask-your-separation-stories

@peanu I had almost all those experiences after separation. I still don't regret it one bit. I feel horrible for my kids but my big mistake was accepting the relationship in the first place. And guess why I did that?? Because my mum did.

Another one here in a similar boat. No abuse though, partner is a good father, but have wanted to leave for so long but haven’t because quite frankly I don’t want to bring up 2 children on my own, I don’t think I will find anyone else, I don’t want to cook every night!! His parents will be devastated. I am tired all the time! Having to tell our friends. Oh god some awful reasons for staying.. he knows, we discussed him moving out but I chickened out and said let’s see how it goes.. he says he still loves me but every little thing he does annoys me, I feel unloved, unlistened to and totally don’t get why he hasn’t walked out as I find it hard to hide my disdain towards him sometimes. He has always been so emotionally unavailable and I have had to drive everything in our relationship! Because of this he really fed into my own mental health issue of not feeling good enough or listened to and it just made the situation worse.
I have worried about the kids, but my 7 year old knows we sleep in separate rooms and even has lectured me about why I married daddy and how I should have married someone I knew I would get on with it.. before everyone freaks out, she is well adjusted and quite frankly making perfect sense!! I think it’s too easy to just assume that kids will be messed up or that it’s just easy to change your life, but sometimes when we do get on as friends I think why not, why couldn’t I just stay this way for now... but then the bitterness that I have for myself in getting into this situation rises in me and I realise everyone is probably right.. I need to get out.. let both of us find happiness... he will never make the decision.. I just wish I was strong enough to do it.

Apologies for the hijack, I wish you lots of positive vibes and hope you find happiness xx

I did this for about a year . You kind of check out of family life because you kinda have to make yourself numb to get through it. If you start to enjoy it you’ll think ‘ oh it’s not so bad ‘ you don’t wanna think that when you want to leave so you go down the kind of emotionally unattached. That does not work for family life / children. They do 100 percent pick up on it. It’s okay to leave. Divorce does not destroy children. It will upset them yes. Damage them if handled horribly.
Live life with your children , don’t just put up and shut up. Would you want your child to do that? I didn’t and he fully understands .

I'm just bookmarking this x

@Honeybeetaxi

Because then they don’t have to pay anything and to not get 50/50 there basically has to be abuse or neglect - so I have to anticipate it’ll be 50/50 even though I know my dc won’t want that because DH has a temper and can be unpredictable.

Mine is the same. I feel guilty whatever way I look at it, staying or going. Feels like there's no good options anymore.

@DinosaurDiana

I am staying for the house, and to not upset anyone. I don’t love him anymore, haven’t for a couple of years. Slept in separate rooms, no sex for about 2 years. I was watching a programme last night and the couple were sat on the couch, his arm around her shoulders, and I thought how nice it must be to have a cuddle. I just can’t do it. I frequently want to, but just can’t.

I just can't too. I don't know how I feel anymore, if I still love him. I want to cuddle and talk, but I can't let him in ever again. Its cost me too much.

@Honeybeetaxi

I don’t know why I am afraid of him, I think that’s a reflection on me, not him.

I am tired of him not doing anything though. Very tired of it.

Another post that really resonates, I don't know why I'm so worried about his reaction, why I'm afraid of his anger. I'm so tired of this, so exhausted and I don't know why I can't even talk to him.

Another one in the same position. I'm so stressed tiptoeing around him. But every time I try and talk about separating he says that he is happy and doesn't want to, his life will be awful and he'll move away and not see our kid. I know my life will be so much better, happier and easier without him. But our kid adores him. And I did love him before he turned into a miserable grump. Which could hopefully just be a midlife crisis?? But that's no excuse for some of his awful behaviour. I feel so trapped. But I'm starting to ignore his moods and just do what I want anyway, he has no friends and I'm not letting him isolate me from mine just because he'll have a sulk. Wishing you all happier nicer husbands!!