Deleted WhatsApp and online banking.

[undertheocean69]

OH almost left me two years ago. I was devastated and blindsided as thought we were happy.
We stayed together but since then I have bad trust issues/anxiety which I try to deal with myself.
Have been checking online bank account and Whatsapp to see when he online but have now deleted both these apps as want to trust and was getting obsessed😰 with checking!
I try to think now me checking isn't going to stop him leaving if that's what he wants to do.
He says he loves me etc etc but I have lost so much confidence and feel sad everyday now.
Any advice from others on how to not think about the past etc would've greatly appreciated.

Has he gave you any other reason than 2 year ago that he would want to leave etc?
Checking online banking and WhatsApp for being online is obsessive, what were you looking for?
If he was online, then what?
Have you spoke to him about how he’s affected you?

Yes he went to dinner with a lady who he trains on a day when he wasn't training her.
He lied and said he was elsewhere.
Confronted him and he said he wasn't attracted to me, had a roving eye etc and wanted to end our marriage. Been together along time.
For a week after he said he didn't want to be in marriage and then changed his mind. We worked through things and he has apologised but I find things very hard now.
The lady in question is still a client of his.
And when I questioned her back then about the dinner she played it down and said they were just friends. She is married.
I know they both have Whatsapp so was checking if online at same time.
I know this isn't healthy but just so sad and let down and shocked.

Ps I know I need to get over this but it was like my best friend letting me down and binning me.
I just couldn't believe it as really trusted him and felt he was my go to person/soulmate.
It's hard as he still has contact with this lady and I feel he may have been attracted to her but she is married too/kids/successful husband.
Just can't understand how he could hurt me and he does know how devastated I was.
I want to move forward but can't let guard down anymore

Ok makes more sense.
Has he done anything since then though that would make you question things?
I think your still feeling like this because you know they have contact for work, if they didn’t I think you would feel better about things.
What made him change his mind about being with you?
How is he with you now?

You are experiencing the shock of reality shift - when what you thought was the case (e.g. he is your best friend; best friends don't lie) has been shown to be false (in your eyes): you think he obviously cannot be your best friend, because he lied to you.

You continually ask yourself how could he do that to you when you really trusted him and thought of him as your soulmate. The reality shift leaves you feeling insecure and unsafe, and so you have to continually check that your position remains safe.

Incidentally, checking his activity on WA is not a reliable indicator for several reasons, but mainly because if can appear as if a person is using it when they may actually not be (because the app is left open, for instance, when they are using the phone for other reasons).

It is monumentally hard to recover from the feelings of devastation you describe. The best way to recover is to concentrate on yourself. Other than your partner, what else in life makes you happy? If you can identify just one thing, perhaps throw your energy into that? At the moment, you are wasting your energy worrying (that is not a criticism of you BTW).

You sound so unhappy. You don't have to stay with him.

Yeah he is good with me and was back then which is why I was so shocked. There 'were' little things back then then my spidery sensors picked up but no evidence till that day.
I just want to be that happy confident person I used to be. We are like best friends so if this sort of thing happened again it would be over for me as I would be heartbroken 💔
Also him saying back then he wasn't attracted to me has made me feel inadequate about way I look. He has since said lots of complementary things but it doesn't mean anything now as I just remember that comment.
Love him but scared and don't feel at ease anymore. Anxiety in pit of stomach especially days I know he trains her. She told me back then they were friends but he never mentioned that. I am better if things like that are open.
Hate the fact he still trains her knowing what happened with our relationship back then. But I won't tell him not to train her as that would be controlling and there will be other female clients in the future. Just really 😢

Thanks for replying as it helps to get other opinions.
I will try to take some of advice given here.
He was the first person who never let me down besides family and now I just don't trust.
I'm very cynical.

What are you afraid of happening? Him leaving you, or him cheating? Would it help if you got prepared so that you know what you would do in either situation?

Have you had any therapy yet? Your feelings are totally normal but talking about it could help. Have you always been worried about your looks? What does he look like - do you fancy him after all this time?

I'm worried about both. And don't want to waste my life if he does this sort of thing again. Scared of pain I felt two years ago. It was awful.
Started secretly having counselling but only had one session as couldn't afford more and also couldn't deal with things it would bring up.
Don't think he will leave me now??!
But didn't think that before and then he shocked me so much. We were going on nice days out etc, telling each other I love you etc etc.
I was losing weight at the time and looking better for that.
He cancelled one of life insurances that day and was looking at selling car he had bought me all within a day of me confronting him about lunch with this lady.
I was told by him it was just a sandwich but it was a meal at a steakhouse where we had gone before. A restaurant I would have considered nice.
We worked through all of this but I went from been happy to total shock/devastation. No confidence anymore as told he wasn't attracted to me. Now he says nice things all the time but I just think yeah inside as he said nice things that week.
Feel very insecure now.
I hate the fact that this women still trains with him too. I feel she has a lack of respect for me/our marriage. I know people will say she owes me nothing/doesn't know me. But it still really hurts.

Counselling can be very hard work during the session, but the whole point is that you are going through these things with a professional to help you - if you get on well with them as a person then it can be very helpful. You might cry and feel torn up during and after the session but feel better in the long term. I'd give it maybe five or six sessions to judge the effect, and swap counsellors if you don't feel comfortable with the one you had. No reason to do it in secret; of course you feel like shit and need help. Do you share finances with your OH? Could he afford more?

Your peace of mind should never depend entirely on your partner staying with you, though. Anyone might have an affair or just leave. (Yes, you will get lots of people saying "I know my dh never would", but well, that's why most people are so shocked when it happens.)

Have you always been a bit uncertain about your looks and this is "just" the final nail in the coffin of your confidence?

I'm surprised he hasn't suggested that he could stop seeing this woman, to reassure you about that at least. Is he at all understanding?

Yes I have never been a overly confident person about looks. I think I look ok.
Partner used to say I was beautiful and compliment me on my eyes and hair.
He does still pay me complements but secretly I don't really value them after what he said back then.
He really knocked me back especially as I was losing weight etc and feeling good about myself.
He doesn't believe in counselling so no point asking him.
He thinks we are ok now which we are on surface but I feel pretty shit underneath to be honest.
When we decided to stay together he asked if I wanted him not to see this lady re training and I didn't want to tell him that. I wanted him just to cancel training with her not me request it.
I did say a few months ago how hard it is for me when he trains her as after I confronted his dinner with her that's when my marriage almost over. Been together 30 years then. That's what I can't get my head around either.
She said they were just friends and I could speak to her husband?!
I said how come he wants to leave me after you and him had dinner at a nice restaurant? She asked me is there anything I can help you with? I wanted to say something not so polite but questioned why she in a fancy restaurant with my husband. She said there must be something wrong with my marriage then if husband wants to leave me. I felt so small and belittled as I thought we were happy and when I started to drive over to her area to confront in person my husband was more worried about me causing trouble at her home than how I felt about been told he didn't want to be with me anymore. I didn't go to her house in end anyway as didn't want to upset her children.
All this is what I can't get my head around. It eats me up as this is not the man I once knew.

Yes, when they do this, it is like they have been taken over by aliens.
The woman was just defending herself - she was on the defensive. Of course she knows it was out of order having a secret lunch, but she was hardly going to admit it. She realised that if she acted like YOU were being unreasonable, you were vulnerable enough not to be able to challenge it. Either that or her neck is solid brass all the way through.

Your husband was worried about you causing trouble because he is a worm.

What is your position here - are you desperately holding on to him, or do you see yourself as being able to choose whether to let him back or not? You could easily dump him for treating you like this. If he was actually grateful to you for kindly taking him back, he'd pay for the counselling. Well, if he was a decent person, you'd share your finances equally, wouldn't you?

I'm not surprised you're inwardly eye-rolling at his sweet-talking now you can see it for what it is. But if even you think you're OK-looking, when you are so down on yourself, I would bet you look absolutely fine!

This other woman should not have suggested to you that there is something wrong with your marriage when you had that conversation with her. It sounds a bit suspect to me.

Do you think she could be bluffing about the offer to speak to her husband?

If OP had spoken to her husband, the OW would just have made her out to be a bonkers, madly jealous wife who had the wrong idea about her perfectly innocent paid meetups with her trainer. Would sound plausible enough and the husband wouldn't be able to prove otherwise.

And yes, of course she thinks there's something wrong with OP's marriage as that is very likely what this guy has been telling her to make her feel sorry for him rather than seeing him as a creepy married guy chatting up his clients.

@ravenmum

And yes, of course she thinks there's something wrong with OP's marriage as that is very likely what this guy has been telling her to make her feel sorry for him rather than seeing him as a creepy married guy chatting up his clients.

Ah very true @ravenmum.

I often wonder exactly what is said by men who are in happy marriages. It must be total fiction in some cases?

Hi everyone
Thanks for all your replies as makes me realise I'm not crazy or over jealous.
It really makes me feel supported.
Years ago I would have been the women who would say 'I would never put up with that s..t' but now I've been in situation it's so hard to cope with.
I do love my husband and want to stay together but can't forget all that stuff so very disallusioned with life/people.
Got to try and snap out of this mood as I think I feel abit depressed.
Anyway sorry for my negativity. This isn't how I used to be.
My 30 year relationship feels tainted but I do have to move forward. I can't keep rehashing it.

It is tainted. You're rehashing it because they're still in each others lives and you have no closure. It's not your fault. It's like your whole life is now just picking at a wound, which means it will never heal and that's on him.

In reply to couple of questions I did think 'was this women calling my bluff' but didn't want to come over as a crazy women or paranoid.
Yes and I will never know if there was more as they are not going to admit it.
That's why I think I am always checking things to get hard evidence so I know either way.
Wish I was stronger at the moment.

Ps what would everyone here do if they were me?

Ps just to say he has apologised previously and said he doesn't know what he was thinking.
And he said it was a mad moment and doesn't want me worrying and wants the confident me back.
But he did say before there was nothing between them so what was the mad moment!
Maybe lusting after her.
He really hurt me

@undertheocean69

Ps just to say he has apologised previously and said he doesn't know what he was thinking. And he said it was a mad moment and doesn't want me worrying and wants the confident me back. But he did say before there was nothing between them so what was the mad moment! Maybe lusting after her. He really hurt me

But he did say before there was nothing between them so what was the mad moment!

Well quite! He said 'it' was a mad moment, but also says nothing happened and there was nothing between them. So when you ask him to explain what the mad moment was, what does he say?

Wanted to end the marriage, wasn't attracted to you, ok this was just said to put the fear of God into you and it has worked. All this has meant is that he knows now you will put up with anything he throws at you.
He knows your fear of the relationship ending is preventing you activating your boundaries, for goodness sake he's a liar and so is she.

Who knows whats gone on but you need to tell him to ditch the client, 2 years you have been going out of your mind comparing yourself with this woman, wondering whats going on.
She's a twat, call her bluff and tell her husband they go for intimate dinners together, have you his contact details, don't contact her or warn your husband.
Your husbands profesion means he has to get close to clients, it must be hard but I'm afraid he's taking you for a mug and a doormat.

You arn't crazy, you are just married to a selfish cunt.