Deleted WhatsApp and online banking.

[undertheocean69]

OH almost left me two years ago. I was devastated and blindsided as thought we were happy.
We stayed together but since then I have bad trust issues/anxiety which I try to deal with myself.
Have been checking online bank account and Whatsapp to see when he online but have now deleted both these apps as want to trust and was getting obsessed😰 with checking!
I try to think now me checking isn't going to stop him leaving if that's what he wants to do.
He says he loves me etc etc but I have lost so much confidence and feel sad everyday now.
Any advice from others on how to not think about the past etc would've greatly appreciated.

I know that you feel like apart from this you're best friends etc etc. I promise you, with all my heart, you can live a life better than this, with someone else who you probably haven't even laid eyes on yet.

It makes me so sad to read how much this has knocked your confidence and I honestly truly don't believe you will ever regain your confidence fully with your husband now. Not that you won't feel confidence in yourself, but that it will never again be in any way linked to how he feels about you - He has tainted that special bond and you will always question his words now.

You asked what would we do if we were you. I would throw myself into self improvement whether that be further weight loss or getting fitter or whatever makes you feel good about yourself and when you're suitably powered up, leave him and make yourself available to be snapped up by someone who would NEVER risk losing you the way your husband did. He doesn't value himself or you at this point. You deserve and have better than this for the rest of your life.

What would I do? When I was in your position, without proper evidence of what was going on, I asked him if he wanted to end the marriage at that point. If he had told me he wanted to end it, it would have ended then. But he said he didn't know, so it dragged on. It's hard to end it when you don't have proof. (I got the proof and the decision was clearcut.)

I then got counselling and medication and took a couple of years off from relationships until I fancied doing a bit of flirting again.

He says he doesn't want you worrying and wants the confident you back. Tell him that you need counselling to regain your confidence. If he has so far been in control of finances, tell him you need more money.
Use it to quietly find out how a divorce would work out, where you could live, etc. so that you know what cards you have in your hand. If he refuses to give you money, speak to Relate about your abusive relationship.

(I'm not saying LTB, just that if you know your options it will give you more confidence.)

Maybe you should call it a day. You'll probably be happier.

Living without trust is shit and it does tear you down. You've tried, maybe enough is enough.

Out of respect for you and the he’ll he put you through he should have ditched the client. He shouldn’t have put it on you to make the decision. Now I think you’ll need to bring it up and say you’re not comfortable with them meeting up any further and if he wants you to recover that’s the route.
I would explore why he didn’t find you attractive? What’s changed? Do you have intimacy issues now or at that time?

Reading all these messages has been really helpful as I was feeling alone and paranoid but now know I'm not crazy and other people understand.
Not sure how things will be in future as I now know there are no guarantees in life.
I know that's not the case. I just was very naive as my parents have had such a wonderful marriage I just thought I would and did have till then overall.
I know I would have never done what he did.
I need to think now but I know if anything else like this happens I am definitely gone as couldn't go through that again.
I really dislike lady he trains too as she had no respect for me and he didn't. I find it so shocking when you love someone so much and then a few days later they don't want to be with you!
It was our anniversary a few days before and he sent me a card saying he loved me and thanking me for all I do for him!
Weird isn't it.

Any advice from others on how to not think about the past

You're asking for the impossible because you can't erase what he's done. I can completely understand why you want to see solace and support to try and eradicate such dreadful feelings of betrayal.

He really doesn't deserve you, not only for lying to you but also telling you he wanted out of the relationship and not at least having the guts to follow through with that and not leave you emotionally dangling by a thread, probably for the rest of the time you are together.

If you stay living this life of doubt, it will always be a compromise. Listening to his hollow words will always make you boil up inside if you let it. It isn't clear from your posts what made him change his mind, especially if he's still got this woman on his horizon.

I'd seriously consider your future and whether you can imagine existing with no peace of mind or ability to sleep nights wondering when he'll next decide he doesn't want you any more. That's torture. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You deserve a lot better, honestly.

see = seek

I would explore why he didn’t find you attractive? What’s changed?

With all due respect, the last thing I'd do is to give him the opportunity to say why he doesn't find his wife attractive. It's bound to be something shallow about appearance, yeah well we're none of us as young as we were 30 years ago, so why does that give him the right to go wining and dining someone else.

This other woman needs to be completely gone from his life. It is like an open wound for you.
The only way you are likely to feel secure enough to start to trust your OH is knowing that he no longer sees this woman that he was clearly in an inappropriate relationship with.
You will learn a lot about where his head is at if you tell him that for your peace of mind he needs to no longer train this woman. If he tries to argue the point or say nothing happened you know you have cause to worry. Tell him it is non negotiable but keep an eye out for second phones and unexplained absences even if he does immediately stop training her. If she contacts you after you tell him no more training that is a massive red flag.
You should get him to fund therapy for you, he has by his actions caused you immense stress and battered your relationship. In therapy you might find some calm.
I completely understand the obsessive checking of the bank and what’s app. I insisted on full access to my OH phone whenever I want. Your OH should be giving you that.
Tell him you feel insecure and are panicking about your relationship. ThenAsk him for his phone and the passcode right now and don’t let him sneak off to the loo to delete stuff. How that conversation goes down will give you a good idea where things stand.
Good luck OP, demand that he does what you need in order for you to feel safe. If he won’t think hard about how long you are prepared to live the way you are, it won’t get better unless he steps up and makes you feel safe.
As a minimum this OW gone and full access to electronics. Good Luck.

Arrh I'm overwhelmed by support on here.
Thanks everyone

The minute you are given access to devices by a cheating liar, they learn to cover their tracks.

That never solves the root cause of the issue which is that they are violating trust and confidence on the relationship. They just see it as license to continue behaving in the same way but being more careful about it - or having a separate phone.

Yeah I agree.
I think they just get cleverer.
I am going to see how things go and try and relax about checking stuff.
Concentrate on myself more and try not to come across as needy which is how I've reacted since.
He has apologised blah blah blah but I wouldn't say it was a big apology. He seemed to find it hard to admit what he has done is wrong. I have lost a lot of respect for him inside. He's not the person I thought which was loyal and trustworthy.
A comment I wanted to make is the person I should have felt safest with etc has been the person who has hurt me most in my life. That makes me 'very' sad 😢.
Just wanted to say he had a lot of nice qualities this is why I was so shocked at his deceit.
Anyway today is a new day and I really appreciate support from all of you on here. It has made me think things through and I 100% know if there is ever anything like this again I'm gone.
I would rather live in one room than go through that again.
I just keep thinking bind your time the training with this women will stop but been 5-6 years now.
She has been one of his longest clients.
Anyway hope everyone else ok on here today?

After 5-6 years of a training relationship they will inevitably have built a close personal relationship. I would say that it would be virtually impossible not to because the trainer needs to know, at the very minimum, about some sometimes very personal aspects which might impact upon training requirements?
Professional trainers seem to have that knack of managing the boundaries so that the client doesn't build up transference, etc. Going away from the session each time with those raging feel-good chemicals, it would be easy to project those good feelings onto the trainer as being the source?

How long has he been training clients? Has he ever trained you or have you observed him training others? And have you always had the sense that he's been professional up to the point at which your senses started tingling about this particular client?

Yes always sensed he was professional and never worried about female clients but just something feels really different with this client.
I must admit it didn't till their cosy lunch.
If he had texted or called and said he was taking a female client to lunch with others in a group or dropping them back I might have felt a slight worry but it was the lying about whereabouts. I have always accepted he has female clients that's life.
He made out he had other clients after in our shared calendar and when I found out he said he had lunch with one of male clients. He continually lied. He also went back to her home after lunch. I was told she didn't drive and her and hubby share car. I don't believe this as both work etc etc.
Of course in life everyone feels abit of jealousy as that is our way of protecting our relationships and normal as long as not too much.
But I think sometimes it can be made out ' oh I knew you would react like this that's why I didn't tell you' as if the person questioning is neurotic!
I wander if that lady would mind if I had lunch with her hubby snd he lied about whereabouts. Wander how she would feel.

Anyway she's not worth worrying about. She's a waste of my energy. I need to get strong and will.

@undertheocean69

Anyway she's not worth worrying about. She's a waste of my energy. I need to get strong and will.

That's a brilliant attitude, OP. Keep it up. You'll keep coming back to wondering about her, but just keep reminding yourself of what you've just posted here.

Thankyou so much for your support. I've decided she's not worth my energy. I know my husband is just as bad not blaming it all on her. Both as bad as each other but I have spent last two years worrying and making myself ill.
Feeling like I'm not good enough/unattractive but that's not true I am good enough and from now on going to work on myself and not feel like I am inferior. They are inferior for treating someone who is a good person like shit. Not saying I'm perfect. Far from it but I would never cheat on someone or criticise their looks/make them feel bad about themselves.
I wish to stay in marriage and give him benefit of doubt nothing will happen again as has apologised etc but don't trust anymore and don't think I ever will unfortunately. We have children so it's not straightforward. That part of my faith in human nature has gone. But if he puts a foot wrong in the future I'm done and
To be honest after this I don't think I would trust any bloke again. I know that's cynical but he was the one/soulmate/best friend/confidant and he let me down. The things he said hurt me and I can't unhear them.

Ps he said it was just lunch but 'I think' it was more for other reasons some he doesn't know I know.
But as I said no more chances.

Hey :).

My DP almost left me once, too. It was 3 years ago. We'd not long been together, but even so I thought it was going quite well.

This woman he'd been hanging round with (he wanted more, she played him badly) suddenly got jealous that he was with someone else and decided she DID want him. This threw him because she was all he had wanted for a very long time before we met. To be fair he was honest about it and we talked it through. We ended up staying together as he knew, realistically, that it wouldn't last with this other woman, and she would end up messing him around again.

But that shook me.

I thought we had a really solid relationship and even though I understand why he would have been thrown by it, because he'd known (and wanted) her for years and we had only been together a couple of months, the way we'd clicked honestly made me think we were made for each other.

He got back to normal quite quickly and blocked this woman on everything, but it took a lot longer for me. I got nervous every time he was on his phone or out a little bit later than I was expecting. I worried when he chatted to other women, thinking the same thing might happen.

I have an anxiety disorder, and started taking meds for it this year. Being honest, that's the only thing that's actually, truly, helped me to put it behind me. I now see the incident clearly for what it was - she messed with his head - and our relationship is better than ever.

But I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and it's understandable that this has shaken you a lot.

The person closest to you always has the potential to hurt you the worst; if you can't be hurt at all, that usually means you have defences of iron and are not letting anyone in, which is not good either. There's another thread on this board now on the subject of trust. I wouldn't trust anyone as much as I did my ex either. But that doesn't mean I constantly suspect my bf. If anything tbh, having been let down very badly and got through it, I feel more inclined to shrug my shoulders and think that if I've ended it once I can end it again. In your case you haven't ended it (yet), but you've "looked into the abyss" and hopefully know that you can end it if you so desire. You're not a helpless victim.

Knowing he went home with her, I'd personally be doing some detective work (and insisting on condoms if I could face sex at all). If she won't break up with her husband, their best opportunity now is to keep up the affair but be more careful.

Do you think there is still something?
Why stay with me if that's the case?
I feel so confused as he has always denied affair!!
I have asked him and said if he doesn't want to be with me just tell me as I would rather know than be hurt even more than the line. I told him he devastated me and made me feel unsafe in our relationship and anxious and broke my heart ❤️
He assures me it's me he wants to be with but I still have no trust as I previously said

He called me darling today as well.
Not a term we have ever used.
Maybe I'm reading into this and it's nothing but it bothered me. I said I've never heard you say that before and he just laughed it off as if a new phase.
Getting paranoid aren't I. Need to stop overthinking things!

Tried to do detective work but can't find anymore. If I definitely knew it was affair not just lunch that could have led on had I not found out I would have finished relationship back then.
Just don't know for sure so giving him benefit of doubt although it eats me up even two years on.
Like now he is washing his car a normal thing to do I know. This is what he did day before secret lunch and tomorrow I'm not about as got commitments so overthink is he meeting her secretly like before. If I found out he did I would be done. I am so paranoid now. I hate that feeling and know it's so unhealthy. Some days I feel fine and other days just feel shit/off.