Rude SD making me resent my husband . Help??

[Tigersparklespink]

My SD 12 is rude , bossy and has her dad wrapped around her finger . He is extremely proud of his daughter and regularly tells me how beautiful , amazing and intelligent she is . This is better than him not caring about her - I am aware . But I wonder if he is on another planet . The older girl is lovely and I think highly of her .

I find it difficult as SD never says please or thank you . If you take her out she will
always critic the experience - my hot chocolate was cold / the bacon was over done / I didn’t like the ice cream/ I thought it was a boring film.
Etc

Just seems so rude when we spend a lot of money and time to do activities.

She will always ask for a takeaway or want to rent a movie or want to buy a toy and my partner always goes along with it .
Our house I feel is like the fun weekend ! I can’t even imagine her mother tolerating the rudeness or expense .

I have mentioned she never says thanks . My partner says she does ! She doesn’t . After highlighting it my partner has now occasionally pulled her up on it but still she is so rude . I feel my blood boil.

This weekend some money went missing and magically appeared in her bag and my partner fiercely stood up for her and explained she wouldNever have taken it and had it had fallen in her bag and how could
I think so lowly of his amazing child .

Car keys have gone missing when she hasn’t wanted to go home ( costing over £300 to replace ) but never ever will partner see it is her .

My issue is that if I broach this with my partner he is so defensive and then says how hard life is f or his daughter as her parents are split up and that I need to cut her some slack and then he goes on about how incredible she is .

Im predicting she will be a nightmare when she is a teenager as we already have her acting like she is 20!! If I was her aunt or anyone else who could say - stop being rude - I would . But I feel as her Step mum I have to smile like an idiot and watch her take the mick!!!

I have a newborn child and I just hope he will
Not copy this behaviour. In fact , I would never ever accept it . I’d hate my child to be rude and ungrateful . I mean it

My point is -
How do I stop getting wound up and just stop it driving me mad? I dread her each visit and each time she visits it makes me so resentful at my own partner for not realising how manipulative /Spoilt this child is .

Please help me !
Say I am a monster if you will but seriously - it’s like having a badly behaved child who knows I can’t / won’t tell her off , a partner who won’t tell her off and as a grown woman I just feel this is ridiculous!

Doesn't sound like things will improve.

Have you thought about leaving?

I don't see why you can't pull her up on manners. If she is rude to you then you should be able to ask her not to be.
As for the rest it sounds really difficult and without the support of her dad, the only thing you can do is to stay out of the way as much as possible and leave them to it.
The keys and cash sound serious though and him insisting it fell into her bag is plain deluded.

Your SD isn't the problem, your partner and his parenting is
He won't change, and it won't get better when she is a teen
TBH I'd leave, it will be one set of rules for your SD and a different set for your child, and he will resent that in the end

Nope it's s problem with your partner unfortunately. He needs to parent properly. I feel for you as I had similar years ago.

I would be so embarrassed if my child was behaving this way. In my case my partners young teenagers played him as much as they could. My 7yr old son was no problem.

Say I am a monster if you will but seriously - it’s like having a badly behaved child who knows I can’t / won’t tell her off , a partner who won’t tell her off and as a grown woman I just feel this is ridiculous!

I don't think your a monster op. I wouldn't put up with it either. I actually felt stress reading this.

I'm not sure how much help I can be. I'm a step mum to a SD who is cheeky the first 2 hours or so we have her. But it's more of testing the boundaries on repeat rather than actually having bad behaviour. Yours really doesn't sound like that. Do you ever get a break from it? Is she sweet sometimes but rude most of the time?

Is he your husband or partner? Do you own a house together, have kids together? If not I have to say I'd be gone. I couldn't respect a man who would fail to discipline his child, who would defend them stealing etc. You have many years of this behaviour to put up with if you stay with him as it doesn't look like he's going to change his reactions to her behaviour any time soon.

OP I have been there .it maybe be better this was put onto the step parents thread??

He is my husband and he is the kindest ; most thoughtful and wonderful person to me . I realise his kindness is manipulated by his daughter and I realise she is the only area where we have friction / arguments .

I believe he feels guilt for not living with her and this manifest with him trying to spoil her / defend her .

If she lived with us full time we wouldn’t be able to spend so much money on her and give her our constant attention and take her out all the time and bow down to her . We would also have to have rules .

It’s difficult as i feel she treats our house as somewhere to get what she wants.
We only have her holidays and weekends-
So not all of the time . So it’s hard to establish rules .

I think I need to take the attitude that I accept she is how she is and she is a player and try and let it go over my head or I write down examples where I feel she is extremely rude and I then calmly relay them to my partner and explain why i find this so infuriating and then explain that I’m
Only doing this as now we have a child I want us to be on the same page with parenting ??????

My partner and I will shortly have a lot less disposable income as I won’t be working full time anymore due to new baby and I can explain to my partner we can’t keep spending on her when she is here . We can’t keep buying takeaways and renting movies etc and going out for lunches . So hopefully we can just stop treating her like a princess and she will realise our house isn’t a hotel where she can have what she wants .

I realise I have played my part In this by just going along with it . So now I will say - we have a full fridge we don’t need a take away . We have movies and Netflix we don’t need to buy one . I need to stop going along with her dad and creating this “amazing “ experience each time she comes .

Also , now I have a baby , I will
Not be around to be dragged Around to entertain her as I need to now look after my baby and keep to a routine . I’m no longer here to be Mary Poppins at the weekend ! I don’t want my child growing up wanting takeaways each weekend , always expecting to be entertained and taken out and demanding -and this is enough to make keep
Consistency at the weekend so that my child is level headed and not spoilt !!!

Thank you 😊

Sounds like you're fucked. 🙁
Do you think your husband will suddenly start to see the fault in her?

So sorry you are in this position
I wonder if it may help to write all of this down for your partner , exactly as you have articulated it here , then sit down and talk to him
Don't allow him to hush it with how wonderful she is and make sure he listens
Express your love and care for the family but concern over this behaviour and the affect on your own child
Perhaps reverse psychology with her .. girls together kind of thing ... just you and her time may throw her mojo off ?

"I have a baby" "my baby" - don't you mean "we have a baby"?

Bit late to shut the stable door now you already have a dc with this man.

Has she always been like this? 12 is a difficult age and her dad has just had a new baby. I can see why he wants to be more tolerate.

If she really is rude then she will suffer as she gets older. I doubt there is anything you can do without causing conflict with your partner.

How old is the other step daughter?

I would suggest on the financial side of this you have a chat with him along the line of, when she is here we can either have a takeaway OR a film OR a lunch OR a toy and agree it needs to cut down. Either decide for that time what it be or say to her would you rather have a takeaway OR lunch this weekend. Give her a choice but not both. And kids can be amazing and even spoilt without behaving spoilt with no rules. I would also suggest getting her involved with helping with the baby. If you keep avoiding her with the baby she will likely see the baby is an issue. Encourage her to be the bigger sister that can show littler one how to do things as though it is an important job. She is a tricky age in a tricky situation but no reason for no house rules.

She sounds like she has underlying difficulties with stealing money and keys. That's actually quite serious and your dh is totally burying his head in the sand. Sounds like she really is looking for attention and may be upping the anti now there is a baby on the scene. But it's difficult to know how to solve this as your dh won't listen.

If I was her aunt or anyone else who could say - stop being rude - I would . But I feel as her Step mum I have to smile like an idiot and watch her take the mick!!!

Of course you can (and should) tell her to stop being rude, say thankyou, etc. Step children don't get a special dispensation.

She's the cuckoo in your next with your PFB isn't she - that's how you feel about her. You and DH and baby and his older daughter who probably doesn't see her dad much are all wonderful but the 12 year old who needs the most hands on time from her parents and is struggling with her behaviour is the problem. Who'd have thought it. Tale as old as time. It won't get better because you and she won't get better, she'll get worse and so will you. Still begs the question, why did you have a child with a man who's relationship and parenting with his existing child you weren't happy with ?

I’ve never quite understood this.
My DP has a daughter (nearly 10yr) and as an adult I have always been an authority in our house. I pull her up on the please n thank you’s etc and other general stuff if I see things that are not acceptable. My partner has no problem and always backs me as I would expect him to as this is my house as well. I am not unfair or treat her terribly but just because I am not her parent doesn’t mean she has the right to be rude. I also stand up for her if her father is out of line.
And yes I also have long standing step parents both mother and father. I respected them and their rules growing up.
My DP and I have a toddler son so I also understand she is finding herself in the new dynamic of our household.
And as a result we get many comments regarding her lovely manners

Thing is, you have really recently decided to have a child together knowing this situation with the sd

What do you expect to happen?

You are not bright to have done that, why would he suddenly start taking your side?

Is your husband constantly defending her because he feels you are constantly criticising her? Would he respond better if he felt your comments were coming from a place of love, or at least caring about her?

Practicality wise, I agree with pp that you should establish joint parenting ground rules and guidelines for what you can afford to spend, and your DH needs to stop trying to be Disney Dad every weekend.

She’s a child. He’s an adult. He is not manipulated. She’s not evil. He needs to parent properly and you need to stop blaming a child for her parent’s failings

And why do you only have her weekends and holidays. Your partner needs to step up and be a proper parent. Sorry but it’s making me really angry that you’re blaming a 12 year old for his failings. Poor thing

Did you think this would get better when you had a baby?

You're a family unit and now have a newborn. She probably feels pushed out. She is only 12. Her Dad likely doesn't even take this possibility into account and nor do you.

She should be polite to you and not disruptive in other ways so, speak to your husband about that. He can put a stop to it.

Apart from that if he thinks the sun shines out of her then leave him to it, it's his prerogative and his daughter after all.

You are correct, it’s very hard to have structure and discipline when you see your child so seldom.

However, He shouldn’t just change the rules now that there is another child in the mix. That is a perfect way to breed resentment. She is probably already experiencing complicated emotions about the new sibling that she doesn’t know how to process. A sudden shift in lifestyle because of “the baby” will only cause problems.

Your husband does need to connect with her on a less superficial level and create some structure in the household. He may even want to try to increase his parenting time. That doesn’t mean flipping a switch overnight. That means him looking for more ways to spend real time with her while he still has the chance.