Rude SD making me resent my husband . Help??

[Tigersparklespink]

My SD 12 is rude , bossy and has her dad wrapped around her finger . He is extremely proud of his daughter and regularly tells me how beautiful , amazing and intelligent she is . This is better than him not caring about her - I am aware . But I wonder if he is on another planet . The older girl is lovely and I think highly of her .

I find it difficult as SD never says please or thank you . If you take her out she will
always critic the experience - my hot chocolate was cold / the bacon was over done / I didn’t like the ice cream/ I thought it was a boring film.
Etc

Just seems so rude when we spend a lot of money and time to do activities.

She will always ask for a takeaway or want to rent a movie or want to buy a toy and my partner always goes along with it .
Our house I feel is like the fun weekend ! I can’t even imagine her mother tolerating the rudeness or expense .

I have mentioned she never says thanks . My partner says she does ! She doesn’t . After highlighting it my partner has now occasionally pulled her up on it but still she is so rude . I feel my blood boil.

This weekend some money went missing and magically appeared in her bag and my partner fiercely stood up for her and explained she wouldNever have taken it and had it had fallen in her bag and how could
I think so lowly of his amazing child .

Car keys have gone missing when she hasn’t wanted to go home ( costing over £300 to replace ) but never ever will partner see it is her .

My issue is that if I broach this with my partner he is so defensive and then says how hard life is f or his daughter as her parents are split up and that I need to cut her some slack and then he goes on about how incredible she is .

Im predicting she will be a nightmare when she is a teenager as we already have her acting like she is 20!! If I was her aunt or anyone else who could say - stop being rude - I would . But I feel as her Step mum I have to smile like an idiot and watch her take the mick!!!

I have a newborn child and I just hope he will
Not copy this behaviour. In fact , I would never ever accept it . I’d hate my child to be rude and ungrateful . I mean it

My point is -
How do I stop getting wound up and just stop it driving me mad? I dread her each visit and each time she visits it makes me so resentful at my own partner for not realising how manipulative /Spoilt this child is .

Please help me !
Say I am a monster if you will but seriously - it’s like having a badly behaved child who knows I can’t / won’t tell her off , a partner who won’t tell her off and as a grown woman I just feel this is ridiculous!

He is Disney parenting to try and assuage his own guilt over the separation and her now having two homes. He's not doing her any favours. And will be actually quite damaging in the long run- but unfortunately you can't stop it/ him. He needs to realise that his behaviour is ridiculous, you can't point it out as he's not willing to listen. So have him parent his child, and you both parent yours together. If he's not willing to accept your input- don't give it.

Hi OP. I've been in your shoes and have actually gone through (long!) phases of resenting my DSC.

Don't listen to those bleating on about leaving your DP! You have a child together and will have a happy life.

My DSC are teenagers and they're an absolute nuisance. The younger one sounds almost exactly like your DSD! Always breaking stuff, demanding attention, costs us a fortune!

But... what keeps me going is remembering that we're young for such a short time. I want my DSC to look back with fond memories of their dad (and me!), and not remembering me nagging them or being resentful.

Please try to 'pick your battles' and 'don't sweat the small stuff'. Your DSD will pick up on you being more relaxed and you'll get along better.

It does get easier, honestly!

I'm absolutely not undermining your criticisms of her OP, and it sounds like concerning incidences with the keys and money disappearing etc.

However, I have a DD of a similar age and oh my goodness, hormones are raging through her right now! My DD is a kind, funny, cheerful girl but I think my DP is just about ready to throttle her right now. She's grumpy, rude and hard work right now. And she has absolutely been brought up with manners, gratitude and to respect others. She just appears to have forgotten everything temporarily while she adopts her new Kevin the Teenager persona.

On another thread somewhere, a very wise person said that young teen girls need lots of care. They need you to be there for them even when they're pushing you away and acting out. Firm, consistent and loving parenting is what is needed. And for your DSD with divided households and a DF she only sees at weekends, it's even more complex.

Of course, the issue for you is that your DP needs to step up. He's swamped with guilt and wants to be Disney dad. I think he might be picking up on your negative attitude towards her so is instantly getting defensive. Do all your conversations about her focus on the shit stuff? Maybe if you start making little compliments about her to him for the things that she does do well/was enjoyable/nice etc, he might be more receptive when you have something negative to discuss. I'd absolutely let the trivial stuff go over my head - you're the adult, and she'll grow out of this phase. But for the important things, make sure you're factual and have examples ready.

I'm sure things will improve in time, but it could be a bit of a bumpy ride at times - teen years aren't always a bundle of fun in a lot of households!

She is there too see her dad not you so leave them to it. You live with him, the daughter gets far less time with her dad, so let him treat her etc without you getting stressed about it

I disagree. You are her father's wife. You and her father have a home together. She is not a guest in your house. She is a member of the family. You should have the right to insist on basic respect and politeness and your husband/her father should back you up. Anything else is unfair to you, and disrespectful to her father. She is not a 2-year old having tantrums. She is a 12-year old who is knowingly manipulating a breach between you and her father.

Agree, he's blind, but also blind to his desire to create a perfect disney weekend for her.

Dont be afraid to say no. He probably feels guilt and doesnt want to admit she isnt perfect but he needs nobody's permission to love her even though she isnt perfect.

I'm a step mum OP.

I think you need to work hard to separate out the issues here and see what was going on before you ever became pregnant.

She's at a difficult age when her mind is trying to work out where she fits in the world and where her emotional home is. It doesn't sound like you and your husband had established your shared understanding around parenting and the step relationship before you had the new baby. How long have you been married? That makes a huge difference to the dynamic.

As for her being rude, I think you'll have worse problems all around if you try to challenge her instead of her father. He will see this as a criticism of him and (rightly so) his parenting. It needs more conversations between you and him.

How long ago did they split up and how soon did he introduce you? Sounds like she's unhappy, your DH still needs to be more firm with her though.

My dd was like this at that age, however we came out of it with strict boundaries and picking up on her rudeness. It didn't really help at the time but it did pass after a few years and she's a lovely girl now.

However your dsd won't get any better if your dh won't parent her. The only thing I can suggest is you do start to voice your opinions. There's nothing wrong with reminding her to say please and thank you. You can also say to your dh that you can't afford a takeaway/movie if you can't. I'd also start locking away keys and money if you think she's removing these purposefully.

Firstly I would set up a household account to pay the bills for the household. And any 'treats' he buys SD comes out of his personal account.

Secondly if she is being rude and ungrateful towards you then you are allowed to correct her. She 12 she know she being rude.

Poor kid

Contrary to other PPs, if your DHs DC visit every weekend I think that is too much, but not for you or your DH, but for the DC. The DC need to have at least every other weekend at home, so that they can do "weekend things" with their Mum too. If you live close enough to the DCs home and school, could you maybe have them one week night every week too?
I think that your DH does need to stop being a "Disney" Dad, for their sakes as much as everyone elses, it is understandable at first, but isn't and shouldn't be sustainable. Doing normal family things with them, especialy DD2 will probably make her feel that she is part of the whole family much quicker, than treating her differently, of course she won't like it so much at first, but deep down I think it will definitely help her feel more loved and accepted, than treating her as different all of the time. Of course you must be able to remind her to be polite, but if you could somehow do it with love, or at least compassion, in your heart, it should eventually go down much better with your DSD. Please try to look for some good traits in her, they will be there, and will come out more and more once both you and her DD treat her normally. I hope that you can grow to love your DSD in time, and try very hard to not show your animosity in the meantime, as unfortunately it comes across loud and clear here. Good luck OP 💐

Every time she forgets to say please and thank you remind her. This will highlight to your partner how little she says it (even with constant reminders some kids forget). I would personally get a lock box for when she is around and put all valuables in it. Leaving things in sight is just encouraging thieving.

Op you are so upset because you care,There is nothing wrong with that or how you feel.The problem here is infact your partner.He is simply doing his daughter no favours by not parenting her as he should be, How you get around that I have no clue but it really isnt you.

@Gilda152

She's the cuckoo in your next with your PFB isn't she - that's how you feel about her. You and DH and baby and his older daughter who probably doesn't see her dad much are all wonderful but the 12 year old who needs the most hands on time from her parents and is struggling with her behaviour is the problem. Who'd have thought it. Tale as old as time. It won't get better because you and she won't get better, she'll get worse and so will you. Still begs the question, why did you have a child with a man who's relationship and parenting with his existing child you weren't happy with ?

I have to agree with Gilda on this, I’m afraid. Why on earth did you have a baby with a man whose daughter you strongly dislike and whose parenting you see as deluded and ineffectual? And now you’ve had a child with him, which will clearly unsettle your stepdaughter and probably cause her to act up even more for a while, suddenly now you’re going to start moving the goalposts about what she’s used to experiencing during her visits. All of these discussions and changes should have taken place before you decided to have a child with him!

This is quite typical teenage behaviour. They're going through so much at the moment - hormones, growing up, peer pressure, insecurities, physical changes etc. My eldest kids have gone through that phase, one skipped it but the other two turned from the sweetest, most loveliest children to people I barely recognised. With my eldest we clashed and things got really bad until I read up on things and really understood what he was going through and spoke to other parents with same age kids.

I have friends who disliked their children for a few years.

But they do have flashes of their lovely selves and you need to learn to be understanding and how to handle things and put things in perspective.

Regardless of what you say about your newborn, you have no idea if they will go through that phase..most likely he will.

I've been where you are thinking no way I would accept that and no way will my child behave like that when my friends kids have been like that. Well I certainly ate my words !

And this is why I will never bring a step parent into my house to live until they are out of their teenage phase.

So I suggest that you read up on it, be understanding and like her. Likely, having a newborn step sibling has had her trying to ensure her place in your lives and it comes out looking like being selfish and Brattish.

Google “the 4 parenting styles” - it might be a very useful starting point for a conversation about parenting. In a nutshell parenting will vary on two dimensions - warmth and control, creating 4 types of parenting styles:
🔹Authoritarian - low on warmth, high on control
🔹Neglectful - low on warmth, low on control
🔹Permissive- high on warmth, low on control
🔹Authoritative - high on warmth, high on control

The first three lead to problems. The one to aim for is the authoritative style which is warm and loving with strong boundaries that give a child a sense of security and safety.

He is a permissive parent - warm and loving but the lack of boundaries is deeply unsettling for a child. It creates a huge burden of control . All kids need to test boundaries, but their house shouldn’t collapse because they kicked a wall.

There are really good articles and diagrams about this so it’s not going to be “just you” saying it.

Gah! Sorry about the “24 adorable bookmarks” 🙄

It's funny isn't that step mums rarely speak about issues with stepsons, it's always the often little girls/young women already in their new man's life that's the problem.

Weird that.

Her dad I have hugely taken into account the newborn . She wanted to host a gender reveal party - we let her . We asked her to choose the middle name . We made the choice the baby would not have a bedroom so she can have her own . My partner takes her to activities at 10 am Saturday and Sunday which means they are out from 9am -
1pm. I never say a word about which take the whole morning and into the afternoon! We let her choose what she wants to do when she comes here . I worked full time before maternity leave and a lot of this is to pay a huge mortgage on a big house so all children have a bedroom even though it means we can’t afford to save anything .

I never voice my complaints to my partner over his daughter . I only mentioned the lack of please and thank you as I think that is something I can’t ignore. I don’t insinuate I think she stole money or that I think she hid keys . I keep it all in my head . I smile and try my hardest as I grew up with two awful step parents who made it clear I wasn’t welcome .

I even spend Christmas, Easter and bank holidays with the girl and her mother so that she can have both parents around her as I know that’s her wish . It means I don’t do what I wish but I understand children are more important than adults .

To those asking why I had a child with my partner. I did so as I’m married , I work full time and it’s been my dream to have a baby and am approaching late 30s and having given 4 years in a loving marriage don’t feel it’s wrong to have a child !

I am aware that it is my husband who needs to enforce the rules and the girl is only 12!

Last week we had a family bbq. After , the grandparents asked the children - did you enjoy it ?
They all said yes and thank you . SD said “ the burgers weren’t great and it was cheap ketchup . Also , we didn’t have dessert .” I just laughed and thought to myself well this is SD!

So pull her up on her rudeness, every single time. Your DH might be completely fucking useless but someone has to parent her and if she’s in your house and being rude and disrespectful then there’s nothing to stop you from doing it. And tell her she needs to use basic manners (please and thank you) whenever appropriate.

And tell your DH to grow a backbone!

Unfortunately this is only likely to get worse 🙈

Might be good to stop calling your husbands daughter, who he no doubt loves very much, and your stepdaughter 'the girl'

Also, of course a 12 year old about to hit puberty should get first dibs on an available bedroom to herself ahead of a baby...? Or I am alone in that?!

"This weekend some money went missing and magically appeared in her bag and my partner fiercely stood up for her and explained she wouldNever have taken it and had it had fallen in her bag and how could I think so lowly of his amazing child ."

"I don’t insinuate I think she stole money or that I think she hid keys ".