Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How "cared for" do you feel?

60 replies

TheMostHappy · 06/06/2021 14:38

This week I have really really hurt my back - I can barely stand, and walking is excruciating. I hope to get a call back from doctor tomorrow as paracetamol isn't touching the pain.

How does your significant other treat you can you when you are incapacitated? Are you expected to just get on with it or are you looked after?

DH has gotten on with a few bits this week but not much more than he would normally do, the house is a tip, washing hasn't been done, and he has made me feel like a massive inconvenience, for example I was talking to him just now and he was like "hang on, I'm just washing up plates... AGAIN"

OP posts:

Sideorderofchips · 06/06/2021 15:27

My ex was a bit like that. If I was ill he was worse. If he was ill he just wanted to rest. If I was ill I was expected to get on with it

Bloody hard when you're ill. Hope your back feels better soon

HelloCanYouHearMe · 06/06/2021 15:37

My Ex always had it worse when he was ill. Completely incapacitated by the common cold... Me? Completely expected to get on with it, including nursery drop off/pick up with a broken foot (I could leave the crutches at home and just lean on the buggy... couldn't i?)

Current DP will pack me off to bed when i'm ill and will bring me tea, check on me throughout the day, do the housework, sort the kids etc...

kittenkipping · 06/06/2021 15:38

Not that I want to kick you when you're down, but how oh treats me when I'm not well is in my top reasons for being with him. He intuitively brings me drinks/ books/ draws me baths and cuts me slack. And I do so for him (though not intuitively, in fact I put a lot of effort into making sure he knows I'm there for him as I want him to feel exactly as he makes me feel when I'm ill)

SunbeamsAndMoonbeams · 06/06/2021 15:46

Just to add a different perspective, could his washing up plates... AGAIN comment have been more a comment on howuch housework is generated so quickly rather than a comment in the fact he was doing it and you were il and so couldn't?

Is it possible that you assume a responsibility for doing these things (whether expected by him or not) and so felt a level of guilt at not being able to do them that isn't necessary?

Only asking because I've had a tendancy to do that in the past and had to remind myself that it isn't 'my job' and so there was no need to feel bad about it.

Aprilx · 06/06/2021 15:53

I have no doubt, from past experience, that DH would take good care of me if I am feeling unwell. He will do a fair job of keeping on top of the housework, for example he will keep on top of the washing up and emptying the bins, but wiping down units or the sink would probably be expecting a bit too much. 😊

Mixitupalot · 06/06/2021 15:53

Sorry to hear you are experiencing this. My DH is amazing when I am not well, he’s generally very helpful person anyway but really ramps it up I am sick.

I don’t know if your DH is lazy or just inconsiderate but a chat when your feeling better about his behaviour is in order.

ImInStealthMode · 06/06/2021 16:00

Sorry to read of some of these useless DHs/DPs.

I'm lucky, DP is great at taking care of people; I don't even have to be sick. I've been under a great deal of pressure at work the last few weeks and he's done just about everything so I can just come home and collapse without having to think about any more stuff.

In return I've done more of a deep clean of the house this weekend and planned/booked everything for a few days away we're having next week.

bloodywhitecat · 06/06/2021 16:04

DH is bloody amazing, we had a newborn fosterling arrive this week and I have done all of the night feeds but DH has done everything he can during the day from feeding us all to bring me endless cups of tea. He is a man with terminal cancer so is not 100% himself but continues to do everything he can while he can.

GertietheGherkin · 06/06/2021 16:11

I'm so sorry that you are in pain, it's horrible when it happens at a weekend too. I really hope you manage to get a call from your GP tomorrow.

With regards to my DH's care of me, he's got my back in every sense. He'll crack on with jobs/ housework/dinner/ gardening and with the kids if I'm well, and even more so if I'm ever ill. I would in turn do the same for him. For someone to begrudge you care is just selfish. I'd be having a sit down chat with him when you're feeling better. I hope it goes well.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/06/2021 16:11

Your OH sounds mean and mean-spirited OP. It’s so childish. That’s crap.

IsThePopeCatholic · 06/06/2021 16:12

Mine simply takes over while I convalesce. I would do the same for him, too.

Timeforabiscuit · 06/06/2021 16:26

I also have excruciating pain this week, and dh has been fabulous BUT we have had twenty years of ups and downs , pregnancies, bereavements, life shit and major life events.

We cherish each other NOW, but we haven't always.

You have agency in your life, you are in pain so you should get to urgent care to get it sorted, eslecially if paracetamol doesn't sort it - go and get the good stuff and a proper assessment.

Not fair to hang this on your partner in this instance, unless it's a larger picture.

TheVanguardSix · 06/06/2021 16:27

Mine’s pretty crap around the house but awesome at the Bug Guns Life Shit stuff.
Sometimes I get a bit fed up of how slobby he can be. He’s an awful cook!
But I remember years ago, going to collect our baby daughter’s ashes from the funeral home and just freezing and seizing up before I walked inside. I rang DH and just fell apart. I don’t even think what I was saying to him was coherent. I was a blubbering mess. He left work immediately and drove the hour to where I was and collected the ashes for us. He then bought the most exquisite box for her ashes. He just does the right thing. When my brother died, he just sprung into action- totally willing and able to burn chicken nuggets and look after everyone and everything (without hoovering once though!) while I spent time at home mourning dear bro.
We’ve dealt with so much over the years. He’s a real Ma'oz Tzur… my strong rock… except when it comes to the laundry.

Nicolastuffedone · 06/06/2021 16:30

I’m very cared for. I do the same for my DH

Original poster

TheMostHappy · 06/06/2021 16:46

The "again" comment was very much aimed at me because I haven't been doing it. For me to get to urgent care I would need to either get a taxi or ask him to drive me, I couldn't safely drive in this amount of pain. I didn't think it would be that much to ask for him to pick a few extra bits up around the house for a couple of days until I can get hold of some proper pain relief, maybe it is unreasonable to expect to be looked after.

OP posts:

toto23 · 06/06/2021 16:47

My DH is brilliant,

I have a heavy job and heavily pregnant and he's been doing everything around the house so I can chill after work.

DinosaurDiana · 06/06/2021 16:49

Mine would do everything if I couldn’t. And he’d do it the way I like it, to the best of his ability.

HollowTalk · 06/06/2021 16:54

@bloodywhitecat

He sounds absolutely wonderful.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/06/2021 17:00

I got hurt recently and OH has been great. Tbf, he always is when I'm not ok, be it an actual injury,period,a nasty cold ,sometimes even just a bad day.
Buys me crap to cheer me up, does all the housework, entertains DD etc.

He's not that great the rest of the time for various reasons, but I definitely know that if I fall I can stay down and recover for as long as I need with no stress or pressure.

Iwantmychairback · 06/06/2021 17:12

My DH is amazing. I’m on week 10 of being unable to drive. Can just about hobble around on flat surfaces.
He gets up early to drive me to work 15 miles each way, then picks me up again. He has been mucking out my horse for me, and today has driven me out into the countryside to find somewhere to sit and eat an ice cream just so I have a change of scenery.
Unfortunately probably another 12 weeks at least before I will be driving again, so he may get a bit fed up of it all by then, but even so, to have already done 10 weeks of this is amazing.

Dinosaurmermaid · 06/06/2021 20:34

Mine does nothing.
Post c section he did nothing. He didn’t make dinner or do the washing or get up with the baby etc.
When I’ve been really really ill he’s done nothing.

Basically. He does nothing. I just have to get on with it. What choice is there.

Gobolino80 · 06/06/2021 21:21

Very. Admittedly he's not great at realising what needs doing around the house but if ever I'm ill or having a crap day he'll say "what do you need me to do?" and he'll do whatever I need him to. He'll check if I need anything, call me during the day to see how I'm doing and If there's anything he can pick up for me on his way home.
I'm currently under a consultant for a degenerative eye disease and he comes to every single appointment with me, and totally looks after me after the appointments which can leave me feeling quite overwhelmed and tired.
I've just started the long slog of trying to shift 3 stone of weight that's crept on over the last couple of years and he asked what he can do to support me and even checked in with me the other day to ask if there was anything else he can do to help me with this.
He is so supportive and I realise I'm sometimes too independent for my own good, but if I ever need him, he's totally there.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/06/2021 22:53

@Dinosaurmermaid

Mine does nothing. Post c section he did nothing. He didn’t make dinner or do the washing or get up with the baby etc. When I’ve been really really ill he’s done nothing.

Basically. He does nothing. I just have to get on with it. What choice is there.

That’s horrendous. I hope you LTB

RosieLeaLovesTea · 06/06/2021 23:16

My DH also does absolutely nothing. If I am I’ll I have to get on with it ~ still cooking all meals, laundry, shopping. We have a cleaner.
He treats me with contempt most of the time even though I am the main breadwinner, sort all the bills and all the domestic/household jobs.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/06/2021 23:24

If l'm sick l just go to bed and do nothing. My dh has no choice but to get on with it then. He is actually quite good at doing stuff but l genuinely wouldn't even check. He knows he is in charge and it's up to him. DC are grown now but when they were young he would just have to take over.
Just stay upstairs and lie on your bed and do absolutely nothing. If he sees you can do anything it will be all handed back to you.

Flip

1 2 3