How "cared for" do you feel?

[TheMostHappy]

This week I have really really hurt my back - I can barely stand, and walking is excruciating. I hope to get a call back from doctor tomorrow as paracetamol isn't touching the pain.

How does your significant other treat you can you when you are incapacitated? Are you expected to just get on with it or are you looked after?

DH has gotten on with a few bits this week but not much more than he would normally do, the house is a tip, washing hasn't been done, and he has made me feel like a massive inconvenience, for example I was talking to him just now and he was like "hang on, I'm just washing up plates... AGAIN"

TBH it’s one of the reasons I left XH as he had no empathy and wouldn’t really “care” about me when I was ill. I realised that if ever anything serious happened he’d be rubbish.

DP of 8 years is very caring - he will plump up my cushions to make sure I’m as comfy as I can be, he bought me a huge body pillow when I was really poorly last time to make sure I was supported all around! He will bring me tea and tablets etc, sort out food and stuff for me and the DCs, even if he’s not here (we don’t live together). He probably wouldn’t think to do washing up or laundry etc but would supervise the DCs to do it if I asked someone to put a wash on. (To be fair they’re already really helpful so I probably wouldn’t need to ask). It’s just basic kindness isn’t it. What’s the point of a partner who doesn’t actively care for you when you need them?!

My exH was like this. I remember once getting really bad food poisoning on holiday (yay me) before DC and he just sat looking at me. Then forced me to go down to dinner with him in the evening because he hadn't eaten all day and didn't want to dine alone. I nibbled gingerly on a piece of dry bread while he tucked in and drank beer. Meanwhile when he got sunburn abroad I was expected to manage him through emergency care in a language I didn't speak!

I remember having norovirus or similar and just had to carry on even though it was probably the most ill I’ve ever felt.
Even a week after i still wasn’t eating and was getting stomach cramps. Dh wanted a new car and we had to drive about two hours to go and fetch it. I felt so unwell the entire time. He then came down with norovirus and took to his bed for five days and two weeks later was saying ‘I had this worse than you, I still feel bad.’ Yep. I still felt bad two weeks after, it’s just I got on with it because no one cared 😂

On a different note OP have you considered a chiropractor for your back pain? See if there's a McTimoney practitioner near you, it's like magic

I have a long medical history. I had an ex-boyfriend who wanted me to pay him as a carer when I had surgery and needed to attend outpatient appointments. It is one of the reasons he is an ex. My current partner takes days off work to help me with hospital appointments, says he will stick with me through thick and thin (I have had a devastating accident followed my many rounds of surgery) and never complains about running errands. He wants to move across the country to be with me and help out in the family home. He works away. Have a long hard think about your marriage, it should be cooperative and 'in sickness and in health'.

You poor thing op. It’s a horrible way to feel when you’re supposed to have a partner.
Mine has been very average in this department. We’ve had words over the years and I ended up being really really mad at him all the time. I said (& meant) I may as well leave now as hell will freeze over before I grow old with you. Statistically I’m more likely to be nursing him than him me and I am not doing that knowing it wouldn’t happen in return, I’d rather leave now and find someone I can trust enough to grow old with. He was finally really really apologetic and has changed.

rosielealovestea - I was that person. I worked full time and was the main bread winner and yet I also did all the usual crap- cleaning, washing, cooking, washing up EVERY BLOODY DAY. If asked, DH would clean around, do DIY jobs but was crap at showing initiative. I always felt (and still do even after 40+years together) that he was doing me a favour. I became so resentful and have often considered leaving but lacked the courage even though I would have been financially independent, I'm not sure how I would have coped emotionally.
So, no! I don't feel cared for but I know I'm not alone.

There is a better way and life for you out there. Even if on your own, you don't have the extra jobs that come with another person or the frustration and heartache knowing there is another adult in the house that can and should help, but won't. Because they don't want to.

You deserve better than this.

I agree ☝🏼 I think in an ideal world I probably would leave but in the real world I'm in a tonne of debt, I live miles away from any friends / family, I have two kids in school, I can't really throw in the towel because I feel a bit sorry for myself.

I don't feel cared for at all.

I was left to get on with everything after a section and another op not long after and expected to do everything with my newborn and other children.

He complained constantly that I wasn't doing everything in the house. He didn't help at all. I was massively struggling with getting around but still did all the feeds etc. He didn't take paternity leave when I was discharged either. Then when he did he was practically useless.

Was also left with pancreatitis while pregnant and unable to go to hospital as had my other children and nobody else to take them. He ended up turning his mobile off and appeared hours later.

I still can't get over that he wasn't bothered how much agony I was in and he wasn't concerned about impact on the pregnancy at all. It was an inconvenience for him me being unwell and I was blamed same as when I had to stay in during pregnancy at some points due to ketones, protein and blood found in urine dipstick tests and needing fluids as a result etc.

I just have to get on with things and then get called lazy etc for not being able to do everything when not well. Yet he expects full blown sympathy whenever he is sore even though he doesn't bother going to the doctor when he is unwell and as a result a condition has worsened as he didn't bother keeping appts.

My ex-husband always treated me being unwell as an inconvenience - I was like a domestic appliance for looking after DC and household and if I malfunctioned it meant he might have to actually help care for his own kid! He would never, ever have missed work to look after me - he once actually stepped over my body to leave the house as he had a flight he couldn't miss! I was very unwell with HG and was so dehydrated I didn't have the strength to get down the stairs - ended up in hospital on a drip for 4 days while he was in Switzerland. Tosser.

My lovely DP is a completely different kettle of fish. We don't live together (yet) but I know he'd come straight round to see if he could help in any way. He does and says little things all of the time that make me feel cared for, and I make sure I do the same for him. It's a different world.

I'd been with my partner for 6 months when he came to visit me in hospital after surgery and I had to get him not only to wipe my arse, but then look at it to see what on Earth it was (it was lubricant that they'd used to put the catheter in that had ran, for anyone still reading!!). He took my mums number and gave her a daily update (they'd not yet met), moved into my flat for a couple of weeks when I got out so that if I needed him in the night he'd be there, and cooked me salmon with garlic and ginger, because he'd googled it and found that these foods would help me 'heal' quicker
This was probably when I realised I wanted to keep him. Such a shame that you aren't getting what you need when your sick - I hope you show him the same contempt in return. Could you get a cleaner in this week and a couple of takeaways, atleast get rid of a couple of your jobs?

Hes pretty good tbf.When I was laid up after an op a couple years ago he did everything in the house for 2 weeks.He works full time.

Pretty rubbish to be honest. He’s never ill himself so can’t understand that people might feel rubbish sometimes. I had an operation on my leg and wasn’t meant to walk on it to help it heal, he barely lifted a finger. Ended up getting and infection in my wound from trying to carry on as normal

My husband is a total diamonds when I'm not well. I am currently in a flare with my Rheumy arthritis and I have a hideous sinus infection too. Husband had taken the day off work tomorrow to take our youngest to school (13) and then to take me the Drs to make sure I'm ok. Last night I was semi delirious with a fever and I was crying due to the thumping ache in my top jaw. He literally rocked me to sleep and wiped my forehead with a cool cloth while the pain killers kicked in. This morning her brought me tea and toast and tonight he did the food shopping on the way home from work and then brought me more tea and toast.

He's a good'n

Mine isn't great. He does the basic stuff like making dinner etc. But he'd never come and check on me to see if I needed anything etc.

Last year I had cancer and he was good in the sense he drove me to hospital and back every day - but I still walked the dogs and if I felt rubbish and stayed in bed all afternoon - he never came up to see how I was, bring me a cup of tea etc.

When I had ivf I went to all the appointments apart from the one where he HAD to be there on my own.

Mine already does lots of the housework (food purchases and cooking are all me, but he cleans, does the dishes, etc.), so that wouldn’t really be something I thought about in terms of being cared for.

However, I feel cherished pretty much all the time and when I’m even slightly unwell he goes into hyperdrive. I’m brought things I neither want nor need every 10 minutes. It’s very sweet. He’s a lovely man.

He's excellent at looking after me and the kids.

Bit shit around the house but well.

I'm not very good at caring for him at all. I get on with all the stuff obv and the kids and bring him a drink and a paracetamol. My family were very get on with it unless you're dying though and so I'm just. Not very good at it.

When I had pnd which went on for years he was working shifts and when he wasn't working he was doing the kids, shopping etc and trying to look after me as well. Didn't for a second show any sign of resentment or frustration etc.

His family are all very nice too.

I do think in many situations on here there seems to be a dynamic where the woman malfunctioning and not doing her thing is an annoyance and inconvenience to the man and that's so sad.

Not cared for at all....I am (luckily) quite a strong person both mentally and physically so I think he just has a meltdown if I am in any way incapacitated.
He on the other hand has no problems taking to bed and expecting to be waited on hand and foot.
I don't think he feels like he is more Ill than I am, just that because I carry on until I physically can't anymore (happened maybe twice in 17 years, Inc births of 2 children, food poisoning, pneumonia, bout of campylabacter, pain serious enough to warrant a consultant at the pain management service, hyperthyroidism and all of the usual bugs and viruses inbetween!) he doesn't understand just how sick I am!
I think sometimes women (and I include myself in this) are far stronger when it comes to carrying on as we feel we have a duty to our responsibilities (kids, elderly parents etc) and use this to keep us going, men have a more self centered mentality and expect to be looked after (awaits ear bashing for sexism )

Really well cared for. We have been married for over 20 years, he will ensure I am comfortable wherever I need to be, bed or sofa. Will sort me out drinks, meals, meds. The children who are teen boys do the same! Learned from Dh.

Sadly this is not a one off, I have endometriosis which sees me incapacitated every month. I also manage to fuck my body up in other ways. Dh has taken time out of his incredibly busy and demanding work schedule to take me to the chiropractor over the last few months as I had a trapped nerve in my elbow and then managed to damage my shoulder. You couldn't make this stuff up.

I don't work due to my endo which comes with chronic fatigue but I do the vast majority of the housework. Dh will take over everything, he just needs a bit of guidance with laundry as in whose pyjama bottoms are these so he can fold and put them in the right pile.

But then I take care of him too, he has had horrific migraines whilst we were on holiday, I emptied his sick bucket etc, brought cool flannels to put over his eyes, took the children out the room, brought him meds and any food/drink he could stomach. It goes both ways.

My DH wouldn't treat me very well. In fact, I got an infection in my ankle from a cut when I was helping him to do something the other day. All of a sudden, his dodgy ankle was playing up again, and he was still making me run around after him. No help at all and he discouraged me from going to the doctors with it which I regret now.

@RosieLeaLovesTea

My DH also does absolutely nothing. If I am I’ll I have to get on with it ~ still cooking all meals, laundry, shopping. We have a cleaner. He treats me with contempt most of the time even though I am the main breadwinner, sort all the bills and all the domestic/household jobs.

My ex husband was exactly the same. Nobody has ever cared for me just themselves all of the time. I live with my son and Dil now because we could buy a massive huse between us and only a tiny one alone and life is 100 times better.

Leaving me in agony and going to work whilst I tried to look after the kids was the straw that broke the camels back in my marriage.
It was indicative of how he felt about me.
Get rid!

I feel very cared for. I'm doing my masters at the min and have been given enormous support in terms of time out of availability in the house and financial too.

When he is overwhelmed in work or other commitments he's given the same support - I'll take over all the house cleaning stuff.

But it wasn't always like this. Years ago either of us wouldn't have been so tolerant of the other needing the support so it has gotten better over time with a lot of effort. That said, DH was always good about looking after me if I was ill and me him but it's the emotional support of looking after each other in life challenges that we have improved upon.