How bad is divorce for kids?

[marshmallowsarenice]

Regular poster - name changed for this.

DH and I have been together for 22 years and married for nearly 20. We have two DCs - 16 and 12.

We have a good relationship about 85% of the time but we have recurrent issues on both sides that cause resentment and trouble for the rest of it. We have had two lots of relationship counselling over the years where we confirm that we both love and really appreciate each other but it never seems enough to stop the resentment bubbling up from time to time.

I'm certain if we had no kids I would have left long ago but I'm terrified of ruining the kids' lives if we split up. Things are currently good enough for enough of the time to make life bearable and actually enjoyable for a lot of it.

But it's times like today after another misunderstanding/disagreement that I wonder how long we can keep going. Would divorce be worth it? I would probably be happier in the long run (as might DH) but what if we completely mess the kids up during a time of their lives that's difficult enough for them anyway?

PS I may not be able to reply straight away as have to post quite subtly for obvious reasons. Thanks.

Just following this.
I’d have left years ago if not for the dc.

Better than the alternative. And once I realised that the divorce had to happen 🤷🏼‍♀️

As the child , better than being with parents who don't get on.

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum By alternative do you mean staying in a relationship that's ok a lot of the time but awful for a bit of the time? I can't seem to justify ending something that's not completely horrendous.

Well this feels close to home...

I'm not financially independent either but DH would be fair if we did split. I just don't have a good enough job to go it alone and I do worry about DC.

My relationship was awful and it was showing my kids the wrong sort of way to be in a relationship. It wasn’t healthy for them. I wasn’t modelling good relationship for them.

It’s terrible for children in my view.

The issues would need to be very serious and to affect their day to day life significantly, for me.

The hurt and damage that my divorce has caused my dcs breaks my heart. I had no choice though.

Generally divorce is pretty awful for the kids (abusive situations excepted). Certainly a divorce where things are gone 85% of the time would be traumatic as it would also likely be very unexpected from their point of view. You will undoubtedly have lots of posters saying how kids are resilient and that it’s important that you are happy etc etc but they will mainly be people who have divorced and don’t want to consider the alternative that divorce is very often very traumatic for children even when they are slightly older. The children are resilient line is one that adults tell themselves to assuage their own guilt.

Sorry good 85% of the time

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum sounds like you definitely made the right decision then.

@WouldBeGood yeah that's how I feel and why I'm struggling with this.

@Yepyes financially I would be fine. DH wouldn't though.

It's bad for the kids. Even if it is amicable they hate it. Well mine do, and they were teenagers when we divorced

My partner's parents divorced when he was 21. According to him his parents were in a happy marriage (but the reality is
It was probably more like your situation). He's still broken from it now

Looks like I’m staying put then.

Do you see yourself staying once they’re grown up and living their own lives?

Mine divorced when I was a young teen and it was a blessed relief. We moved to a house I always hated, changed schools, money was tight. But we finally got to know our workaholic dad and they were both happier and now get on brilliantly as friends. Dad remarried 20 years ago, we all Christmas together, my DD has three lovely grandparents.

I’ve got friends whose parents “stayed together for them” which they know and absolutely hate because they grew up with a horrible example of marriage. Other friends whose parents split up as soon as they left home who felt their lives had been a lie which mum and dad maintained till they didn’t have to a second longer.

My parents never argued but I remember the oppressive silences and shitty notes left on the kettle. It was like a weight lifted eggs they admitted it wasn’t making anyone happy.

If you’re not going to stay together till one of you dies, there will be a cost whenever you split up. If you do it sooner rather than later your children will have time to experience life with hopefully happier parents. If you wait till they’re older they might not thank you, but you’ll get them through school with less upheaval.

They will know if things are tense, awkward or unhappy, even 15% of the time. You’re providing the model for romantic adult relationships to them every single day. No one is a good enough actor to fool their children long term.

So no easy answers but sympathies you’re not as happy as you could be and have potentially difficult decisions ahead.

@korawick12345

Generally divorce is pretty awful for the kids (abusive situations excepted). Certainly a divorce where things are gone 85% of the time would be traumatic as it would also likely be very unexpected from their point of view. You will undoubtedly have lots of posters saying how kids are resilient and that it’s important that you are happy etc etc but they will mainly be people who have divorced and don’t want to consider the alternative that divorce is very often very traumatic for children even when they are slightly older. The children are resilient line is one that adults tell themselves to assuage their own guilt.

As a child of divorced parents when I was 14, I can say that it did not negatively affect me. At the time I didn't understand because I never saw any fights or abuse so it seemed pointless to me but as an adult who has now spoken to my mum and dad I understand better.

The only thing I disliked was having to go stay with my dad during the summer holidays in another country when I wanted to be with my friends! There are definitely certain situations that might affect the kids and I believe that this happens when parents don't handle the split properly and keeping the kids informed and them being cordial co-parents. Kids just want their parents happy at the end of the day

Split nearly 3 years ago. Older DCs. It’s still really shit for them and always will be. They have to split their time, they feel awkward at extended family gatherings, they feel as if they’ve been replaced by the DCs of their father’s new partner. It doesn’t matter how many times he tells them he left me and not them, that’s not emotionally how they feel about it. My heart still breaks for them

So if I split from DH it will ruin my dc’s lives?
It may eventually come down to leaving or me just not being here in any capacity. I’m so unhappy.
I’m just waiting it out as long as I can.

It's terrible for kids.

Which is why having children is a terrible idea.

Marry a good man but don't reproduce. Even if it's too late for you: tell your daughters.

As someone who lived with parents that were both miserable and horrible together I can safely say that if my parents hadn't waited until we had grown up to leave one another I would have been so much happier! My mum's happiness now she's not with him makes me a better person, I now have my mum back! My dad and I aren't that close but I still see him and have a far better relationship now than when I wss younger. I'm 28 now and I still think my life would've been so much better had my parents seperated

Dancingbinbags

I would urge you to make the break sooner rather than later if you feel like that. Children pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken and they are likely more aware of what is happening than perhaps either you or your H care to realise.

Ask yourself these questions:-
What do I get out of this relationship now?
What do I want to teach my children about relationships and what are they learning here?
If my adult child was describing a similar sort of relationship what would my counsel be?.

Would I want my adult child to be in such a marriage?

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone (that in particular is so very often cited on MN) often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Divorce, in and of itself, need not be harmful to children. It is the adversarial and contentious process of divorce, if continued, that may wreak damage. Yet research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances within a few years. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

My advice would be if your going to be careful about planning around the older one. As being 16 they are i assume done GCSE's so you don't want to be splitting whilst they are tackling Alevels. It either needs to be soon or once they are done in 2 years. Mine hate it but also because Dad said it would all be lovely and fluffy and he has turned into a selfish prick putting them squarely in the middle.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Wow what a great answer to a very difficult question. So very true.

It’s the splitting time between us that’s the worst for them. Ds doesn’t want to have to pack his play station and bag up every second Friday for a weekend away at his dad’s.

But it's times like today after another misunderstanding/disagreement that I wonder how long we can keep going

Misunderstandings and disagreements happen. What happens during these disagreements that causes you such unhappiness? If there is abuse/affairs/addictions then divorce is unavoidable and preferable.

Does divorce harm children, not if parents are mature and amicable but at your children's ages they would want to understand the reasons and what will happen. Divorce will impact them, they have to go between houses, there is the prospect of step parents, money will be tighter, Christmas shared etc.

What age are you?