How bad is divorce for kids?

[marshmallowsarenice]

Regular poster - name changed for this.

DH and I have been together for 22 years and married for nearly 20. We have two DCs - 16 and 12.

We have a good relationship about 85% of the time but we have recurrent issues on both sides that cause resentment and trouble for the rest of it. We have had two lots of relationship counselling over the years where we confirm that we both love and really appreciate each other but it never seems enough to stop the resentment bubbling up from time to time.

I'm certain if we had no kids I would have left long ago but I'm terrified of ruining the kids' lives if we split up. Things are currently good enough for enough of the time to make life bearable and actually enjoyable for a lot of it.

But it's times like today after another misunderstanding/disagreement that I wonder how long we can keep going. Would divorce be worth it? I would probably be happier in the long run (as might DH) but what if we completely mess the kids up during a time of their lives that's difficult enough for them anyway?

PS I may not be able to reply straight away as have to post quite subtly for obvious reasons. Thanks.

The idea that divorce is always bad for kids just keeps families trapped in bad relationships! It’s not always bad for the kids. I’ve had people accuse me of harming my kids by getting divorced but they don’t know the details. I actually freed us all from an abusive man - and bought us out of misery!

Don’t believe the propaganda. Divorce can be good for kids.

@WouldBeGood No I couldn't assume I'd keep the kids. 50/50 would be the most I could get and I think even then DH would push back on that. This worries me. I work and he doesn't (one of the causes of resentment) and has historically been physically present more often when the kids are around.

@TorringtonDean yes, sometimes it has to happen and I’m not saying people should stay in abusive relationships. Far from it.

@marshmallowsarenice I’d suggest individual counselling for you so that you can examine your own feelings and help you come to a decision. I know it’s not easy. Maybe I’m lucky that the decision was made for me!

My DCs were very young (under 3) when we split and I don’t think the split affected them that much. Too young. I think it’s harder for older kids.

However, I’d be concerned about your own situation. You say your DH will be “civil”. When XH left, he promised he’d take care of all the bills, I wouldn’t have to work, he’d see the DCs regularly.... 3 months later, he and his new partner had set their sights on a new house and he “couldn’t afford” to pay. I had 2 months to find a job (mortgage lender told me they would start repossession proceedings if I defaulted for three months). He paid minimal maintenance which didn’t cover childcare costs. I got into huge debt to go back to work.

So I don’t think DCs suffered from the split, but they certainly suffered having a mum who was constantly stressed, tired and skint.

XH is a “nice guy”. We get on well now. He believes he was very generous. I was constantly told how lucky I was that he paid anything. My advice would be to think and plan very carefully how you will manage on your own. And if not, can you improve what you have now.

My parents divorced when I was doing my GCSEs. They had always been a bit of a rollercoaster. My dad had many affairs from the time they married. They had considered divorce when I was 6 and he talked her round.
It affected my relationship with both of them. I felt very angry that the family home had to be sold once I finished college. The divorce was extremely acrimonious. They muddied the waters by having the odd time of getting back together.
I found I was desperate for male attention from that moment forward. I have ended up married to a man who is emotionally detached. He absolutely love bombed me when we met. I just wanted to get married. I am not happy at all, but I refuse to put Ds through the pain at the age he is of divorce. I left him when I was pregnant and should have stayed away, I wanted the happy marriage I saw around me. I suspect my husband has bipolar.
I love my son more than anyone else in the world and will do everything to protect him. He knows daddy is a bit different to other dads. I’m stuck in a strange kind of no man’s land, it’s not bad but it’s not good. In many ways I’ve ended up with a different version of my dad.

Sorry, I seemed to have killed your thread.
I came back to say, I saw a solicitor when Ds was much smaller and when I explained the situation, he told me the reality of divorcing a man who won’t leave and plays mind games. It sounded too traumatic for my son. Perhaps if I’d seen a solicitor who had a more positive view, it may have gone ahead.
I frequently feel life is hurtling by. What I do know is that my husband will not change. Others looking in, would think that we just like being a contained family unit.

It always damages the child.

Sometimes it's less traumatic than the alternative (such as an abusive marriage), and sometimes both parents behave maturely and the damage is somewhat mitigated.

But I'm afraid that emotional damage to the children is inevitable. When I was a teacher I found out heartbreaking to see the effect on children/young people, not only at the time but also years later.

It didn’t damage my DC. Being in the marriage caused them a lot of harm though.

My DC are thriving and we are very close, due to the years it was just us.

Plan financially. That’s where the actual problems stem from.

I had a good job and held on to it for grim life because I didn’t want to be beholden to ex. And I thank god every day I did. Luckily for us I didn’t have to sell my house or move in with my parents or anything and managed financially.

My eldest DC was really upset when I was going through the divorce as she really desperately wanted a daddy who loved her.

She told me recently she’d feel jealous and upset when her friends talked about their dads.

I’m married now to DH & both my older DC are taking DH’s name as they don’t want to be associated with ex. Both my older DC love and are very loved by DH & (importantly) his family also who have kind of embraced us into their fold.

I think for me and my DC it was important that I did have healthy relationship so my DC could experience a normal loving family dynamic. I also didn’t want my DC to form dysfunctional relationships in future as that’s all they experienced as young children.

See I’ve been a teacher and I’d say there were children with parents together who were struggling more than those who had parents who were split up.
About half of my class any given year had separated parents.

Bad marriages harm children. Getting out of them can be liberating. The judgey comments about harming kids don’t help because sometimes women and their children need to be free of abusive men.

I agree with @OverTheRubicon - blanket statements about divorce harming kids doesn't really help anyone. It doesn't take in to account the environment when together, how the separation and parenting arrangement is handled, the age of the kids.

I know PLENTY of people who are emotionally damaged or messed up who have come from 'together' families. My ex being one. I was always viewed as the one most likely to Fuck up as my parents were separated, but it's him who has and the more I see them through a different light I see what a pickle they're in and how emotionally intelligent my family actually are.