How bad is divorce for kids?

[marshmallowsarenice]

Regular poster - name changed for this.

DH and I have been together for 22 years and married for nearly 20. We have two DCs - 16 and 12.

We have a good relationship about 85% of the time but we have recurrent issues on both sides that cause resentment and trouble for the rest of it. We have had two lots of relationship counselling over the years where we confirm that we both love and really appreciate each other but it never seems enough to stop the resentment bubbling up from time to time.

I'm certain if we had no kids I would have left long ago but I'm terrified of ruining the kids' lives if we split up. Things are currently good enough for enough of the time to make life bearable and actually enjoyable for a lot of it.

But it's times like today after another misunderstanding/disagreement that I wonder how long we can keep going. Would divorce be worth it? I would probably be happier in the long run (as might DH) but what if we completely mess the kids up during a time of their lives that's difficult enough for them anyway?

PS I may not be able to reply straight away as have to post quite subtly for obvious reasons. Thanks.

My mum stayed with my dad for our sake. In hindsight, staying was probably nicer for us as kids but set us up for falls later. Both my sister and I married and ended up divorcing men who were extremely similar to our decent but distant and self-centred father. My ex was diagnosed with autism as an adult and suddenly so much made sense about my own father also.

It's not my mum's fault, but I do sometimes wonder whether if she'd left like she wanted to when we were young, she could have found someone who wanted to really know and care for her as a person, and in any case whether my sister and I might not have seen their model as an acceptable one.

My own DCs have undoubtedly suffered from our separation, in terms of seeing their father only one night a week (his choice not mine), and having less money and more time with childcarers. However in our case it also wasn't a choice, as my ex had anger management issues that were not ok for me and started showing up with the DCs - so I hope that by separating while they're young, at least I can make sure they know that's not an ok way to behave or accept from others as an adult. And not living on eggshells is hugely more relaxing for us all.

I don't think divorce messes up children. It's inconvenient for them, going back and forth, but not damaging IMO.

Unpopular opinion, but I think parents moving on with new partners, having children, bringing in step children etc. those things DO mess them up and can be pretty shit.

I was around 12 when my parents divorced and I was so much happier but then again my dad was extremely self centred and prioritised the pub and his friends over his family so mum was practically a single parent anyway. I was so relieved when he was gone and not coming home drunk after his weekend binges and having to listen to the arguing. I only wish my mum would have divorced him sooner.

Statistically children suffer emotionally quite a lot.

A lot of posters here are speaking from hindsight and how it didn't affect them but these children won't have that foresight. It can be (and is) terrible.

Shouldn't stop you if you have genuine reasons but be prepared for it to bite you

It is difficult for sure but kids can and do recover . It’s how it’s handled individually. Children can go through difficult times and be okay . It’s not to ease the parents guilt for splitting up saying kids are fine. Mine initially wasn’t but it’s long term isn’t it? Sometimes you have to weather a storm to get to a better place . My son was hurt ( I would of loved him not to be ) however I wasn’t going to live a lifetime of being unhappy because things had gone very sour . Children feel the unhappiness and resentment builds if you’re feeling a certain way and don’t address it.
Communication is key , not introducing new relationships right under there nose or kicking the other parent in the Teeth. It’s not the greatest thing to happen but certainly isn’t the worst. Take your time and talk to your partner and do what you feel is needed. Couples therapy etc but my kids life is not ruined and your kids doesn’t have to be. I wouldn’t do it through a stressful period ie GCSEs . Just take your time and assess

@Zoinksalot

Statistically children suffer emotionally quite a lot.

A lot of posters here are speaking from hindsight and how it didn't affect them but these children won't have that foresight. It can be (and is) terrible.

Shouldn't stop you if you have genuine reasons but be prepared for it to bite you

There is evidence that children whose parents divorce have slightly worse outcomes on a number of dimensions. What there isn't good evidence for is compare the impact on children from staying in a high conflict household (or with a depressed or abused parent) Vs a divorce.

Of course there's impact from having to split homes and finances, and sometimes see one parent less, and as a pp said, step families have more challenge too. However it's also very likely that it's the factors and unhappiness that lead to a divorce that cause the most harm, plus the poverty caused by crap CMS and insufficient childcare/benefits support for single mothers of younger children - in Scandinavian countries where there is more support, and more involvement from both parents there are more single parents but their children have better outcomes.

Telling people that it's divorce itself that harms children tends to trap adults (who have their own rights to happiness) in relationships that can be deeply neglectful or outright abusive, and teaches their children that these kind of relationships are ok.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Good post. I'm in a similar situation to OP. You make a lot of good points.

It's better to have two happy separate parents than live in a stressful toxic home with both. Never stay " for the children' it's damaging.

I divorced when my children were that age. I think the main damage done to them was that I chose the wrong man to be their father in the first place - now they are adult they see him for who he is.

It was tough, but either they carried on seeing a marriage where one person was controlling and selfish and the other was controlled, albeit with a lovely lifestyle, or they were the children of a sometimes acrimonious divorce. They knew the ‘happy families, successful marriage of loving equals’ was a sham.

FWIW the are both competent adults, capable of happiness. But I think I may have divorced too late for my son (high-functioning-autistic) to have learned what he needed about healthy relationships.

I wish I’d gone much, much earlier.

My parents split when I was 13. At first, it wasn't too bad. They hadn't been happy for a long time and I could see that even if they thought I couldn't tell. But then things got more complicated. New partners came in. They kept arguing about stuff. I had a new man staying in my house that I didn’t like. It did mess me up a lot.

But at the end of the day, there's not really a winning option. Your kids know if their parents aren't happy and it does them no favours to stay together. Just be prepared that the next stage is difficult and to be ready to support them.

I am a child of parents who SHOUlD have divorced and i divorced with children myself.

The former has had just as much impact if not more then a divorce would have. My parents were low grade unhappy mostly. Lack of affection. I knew as a child my parents were unhappy and different to other peoples parents-kids are not stupid. The pressure of knowing they sacrificed their own lives and happiness for you is a massive burden. They are still together and unhappy now and its making retirement difficult and will make caring for them in their old age difficult for me. I am sad when i look at them and what they have wasted.

My own children seem to do quite well. Its been a few years now. I have never hated me ex husband-he is a good dad but was not a good husband. He is a good person. So I have never found it difficult to speak well of him and vice versa. We co parent well and support each other and are flexible. We attend birthday parties and football matches and parents evening together. We are still a 'team' on some level despite having other long term partners. The children chatter about dad with me and are not guarded. And most importantly they have two (if not now four) very happy parents.

Divorce improved my kids’ lives. They are happier, the atmosphere at home is good. It was pretty hell for me going through it - don’t underestimate how hard it is dividing up finances and just taking all the flak. I lost a big chunk of my life savings and earnings. But it had to be done, their dad was abusive. He doesn’t keep in touch with them.

My relationship wasn’t awful (no abuse, no cheating, no screaming rows) but it was strained. My Hs sense of humour had evaporated over the years. I was tired from doing everything. He resented my “happiness” and I resented his “leisure time”. As far as I knew my DD knew nothing of these issues. Then one day I just couldn’t pretend anymore and we split. Again, no big rows, no bad mouthing. He moved to the caravan and eventually we sold the house, split the equity and both got somewhere new. At first DD was very sad and wanted us to reconcile but after about 6 months she suddenly blossomed. I was happy, her Dad was no less miserable than he had been married. The fun came back. Everyone commented on it on both mine and his side of the family. She’s remained bubbly and outgoing. The only time it slips back is when her Dad lets her down. If asked she is clear she prefers it this way. We are 2.5 years on now. I have a boyfriend but no cohabitation and his kids aren’t in the picture (too old). I mostly see him when DD is with her dad.

She and I are camping this weekend. It’s cold and messy and Sandy (we are at the seaside) but we are loving it (her Dad would have hated it!)

I think divorce can be good for kids, 2 happy households is better than one miserable one. It only works if you and exH can be civil and really just do what’s best for the kid without scoring points. My ex is brilliant for that, he really really does want what’s best for DD as do I.

Maybe you need to go back to relationship counselling to talk about the resentment and unresolved issues as really get to the bottom of it all?

Only you know if things are bad enough for you to want to end things. I don’t think divorce is necessarily damaging for kids, it depends on how it is handled.

Tbh my parents should have divorced years ago, it was so obvious to me growing up that they weren’t right for eachother and weren’t happy. I have so many memories of them arguing and just not getting on. Kids pick up on more than parents realise. I know they stayed together for me and they shouldn’t have. I’ve felt a lot of sadness for them and anxiety about their situation and would have been much happier growing up if they split up years ago and had the chance to be happier people.

My ds is very aware that things aren’t right but my dd is too little to know.
Every time I get to the point of thinking it’s possible I read something or something happens and I think nope, why should they pay for my mistake? Just got to wait it out now and hope I don’t live to retirement age. 😂

The splitting time is fine. DD had a fully functional bedroom in both homes with clothes in both places. The school uniform sometimes ends up in the wrong place but I only have to let exH know and he’ll stick it in a bag and send it back. DD has her phone and one particular soft toy who moves between the two houses but that’s it. H picks her up from school Wed and Fri. He drops her to school on Thursday. One week she stays with him until Sunday night , the next week I pick her up on Saturday morning. Except when we do it differently because he or I have plans with DD. I got his Friday night this week due to camping but he had last bank holiday Monday. It’s half term so he could have had more days if he’d wanted. If either of us wants to swap weekends we do. DD is always asked first which thing she’d rather do.

At Xmas we do what we’ve always done. He sees his family the weekend before Xmas. They do a meal out and a big celebration and I meet him halfway on the motorway to swap DD after. She and I do Xmas with my family. We did that when we were married too so no issues there!

ExH and I do parents evening together, he comes to her birthday parties (I organize because he’s shit). We discuss any issues together. It’s not an unhappy strained thing. I think lots of kids struggle with the new partner and kids moving in but neither exH nor I are likely to do that (both far too keen on our own space).

@AttilaTheMeerkat this is a very thoughtful answer, thank you. I'm contemplating divorce, but dh wants to reconcile and give it another try (because he left and now he's lonely). The DC are young teens and don't have a particularly good relationship with him. I have felt angry, devalued and starved of positive interactions and affection which is why I want to get a divorce. BUT I don't want to be a single mum with all the psychological burden (one child has sn) and dh is very helpful when he visits. I'm so stuck, but I will think about your post today.

I'm not sure about messing up their entire lives but yes it does have a big impact and is disruptive in the short term. My parents divorced when we were 16 and 17, I was relieved as it was a toxic environment including addiction and domestic violence and I'd begged my mum to leave since the age of 12. Sadly the way it was handled and the subsequent relationships they got into/choices they made meant things were even worse for a good couple of years after. So maybe it's more about the way its done rather than the decision itself.

I’m 56 years old

I knew something was wrong in my parents marriage when I was 7. The years when I was 12 to 15 were dreadful. There was no violence, no arguing in front of us, but it was grim. 15 to 18 my mum was plotting and planning to leave
They finally divorced when I was 21. I wish the had done it when I was 7.

The divorce was a non event, it was the breakdown of the marriage that caused the problems for us.

The thing that was bad for my kids was me being married! I divorced for their sakes. Marriage can be the most terrible trap.

I would have been happier with two happy parents than them clearly being angry at each other all the time.
I think they might have been waiting to leave till my sister moved out but shortly before that my dad was diagnosed with early onset dementia and so my mum was pretty much stuck.
If you're unhappy and thinking of waiting have a good think about what would happen if your OH suddenly needed full time care for rest of life and you were in the position of looking after someone you wanted free of or divorcing someone under those circumstances.

Speaking as the 'child' I wish my parents had divorced at the outset of their issues. Living within their miserable marriage was truly awful 😞

Wow - such a range of responses which I suppose sums up the struggle I'm having around it all. Thank you to everyone who has shared such personal stories. It's really given me a lot to think about.

I can see DH and I being pretty civil about things if we do split. I certainly wouldn't be in any rush to start a new relationship and definitely would not have any more DCs with anyone.

Honestly I don't know how much the DCs can tell things aren't always right. DD might have twigged but DS seems to accept explanations like 'Dad's got a stomach ache' when he's gone off to sulk over lunchtime. We don't have huge screaming arguments and there's no addiction or affairs. There will be 'atmosphere' more often than is ideal.

I know there's never a perfect time to divorce but right now DD has just finished her GCSEs and DS is at the end of year 7 so there aren't any 'big things' coming up for a couple of years.

I guess I need to weigh up the effects of divorce upheaval with modelling a relationship that's not ideal and try to work out which will cause the least damage.

Divorce is quite common these days. That doesn’t mean it’s not an upsetting experience for children, but I think the attitude that divorce is always a terrible thing is harmful.

When I was a kid the stigma of divorce was a bit higher. A teacher told me I would probably end up dead or in prison because my parents got divorced. It was that kind of thinking that I was irrevocably sullied somehow by my parents divorce that upset me more than the actual divorce did. I think those who are quick to proclaim it’s terrible for children need to think about that.

It really depends on how it’s gone about, really. Will the parents be happier separate? Can they present a united front to the children? Can they both be mature and remain friends? I think these questions are important to ask and declaring divorce = always bad is too simplistic.

When I look back on the years I know my mum was staying with my dad for the kids, I don’t feel grateful, I feel sad that she thought she had to be miserable for our sake.

I’m acknowledging sometimes it’s inevitable. But it’s still not good for children.

I suppose I also don’t subscribe to the view often seen on here that it’s perfectly ok to leave a marriage for any reason (not that it’s been said on here or by OP).

Obviously it can be managed, and the effects mitigated. I have a new DP but made sure I did not see anyone with young dcs and would not live with him.

I suppose there also can’t be an assumption @marshmallowsarenice that you’d keep the children?