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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Badly lost my temper now feeling really bad

54 replies

Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:09

I can’t even say it was an argument because it was one sided I just totally lost my temper today.

I’ve gone to the bedroom to calm down but I feel awful. I don’t really know what to do or say I’ve basically ruined the whole weekend but I was furious 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:17

We are extremely busy and each week schedule changes due to work etc so I’m always planning ahead.
It’s very relevant that I have an excellent memory and organisational skills and DP the total opposite. He laughs about his bad memory, it’s always been awful, not his fault I suppose we get round it. But on a daily basis he forgets stuff and always admits that he’s forgetful

Anyway In planning the next 2 weeks he repeatedly told me there was an appt on a particular day. I double and triple checked etc and worked everything round it. Work, deliveries childcare, other appts etc. Because I know he makes mistakes I kept checking he was sure of day/time etc

This morning I said something in passing and he declared ‘no. I told you that was on Thursday 10th’
He didn’t he hadn’t said that and I’d repeatedly asked
Suddenly the memory he always freely admits is bad was fine and it’s MY mistake. Then he started laughing at me, properly laughing in my face. Telling me I had forgotten or heard wrong that it was my mistake. Knowing his memory id deliberately double and triple checked so I know it wasn’t me . So I lost my temper and shouted at him exactly what I thought. I know what I heard and what he said and I had literally changed everything to accommodate what he said we needed to

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 05/06/2021 10:20

I think he’s treating you quite badly.
You’ve fallen in the role of his secretary.

How would he live his life if he were single ?
He hardly has these memory problems at work.

Original poster
Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:21

I shouldn’t have shouted. I don’t raise my voice ever but I did. I just couldn’t believe it as had gone over it multiple times and he responded but can’t have been listening then I felt he was trying to make me doubt myself
But the laughing in my face that was what made me lose my temper

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:23

Yes. I feel like a secretary.
Family admin fine and to some extent I actually understand he’s forgetful but he’s always admitted that before yet today he was saying he was sure of what he said and it was my mistake. 100% it wasn’t and I just was so angry

OP posts:
thepinkstuff · 05/06/2021 10:24

Sod trying to make stuff work for him. Let him arrange his own appts and jollies at the weekend

maskface212 · 05/06/2021 10:24

not his fault I suppose we get round it. But on a daily basis he forgets stuff and always admits that he’s forgetful

Being that forgetful must get him in trouble at work. How does he cope when he can't remember anything?

It's hardly surprising you lost your temper. I couldn't deal with the incompetent twat who is taking you for a ride. Can't remember my arse. It's just easier to dump everything on you, let you carry the burden and then laugh in your face like a cunt. He doesn't like you OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2021 10:25

How does he behave around people in the outside world, my guess is he is all sweetness and light. He needs to be gone from your day to day lives.

I think his so called "poor memory" is being used against you as some sort of manipulation tactic stemming from wanting power and control and to undermine you. He only seems to remember stuff that is important to him. If it is not deemed important enough to him he "forgets" and blames you for not remembering.

What is your situation re the property, children and finances?
He is gaslighting you here and that is an insidious form of pyschological abuse. He did this deliberately to you and with purpose to make you fail. He knows exactly what he is doing here and its deliberate.

Original poster
Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:28

@maskface212

not his fault I suppose we get round it. But on a daily basis he forgets stuff and always admits that he’s forgetful

Being that forgetful must get him in trouble at work. How does he cope when he can't remember anything?

It's hardly surprising you lost your temper. I couldn't deal with the incompetent twat who is taking you for a ride. Can't remember my arse. It's just easier to dump everything on you, let you carry the burden and then laugh in your face like a cunt. He doesn't like you OP.

He has said he can remember what he needs to at work but that’s then his limit.

I don’t know, I’ve just snapped today literally. I’ve spent ages working stuff out for the next couple of weeks and it’ll all have to be changed now and I’m not doing it. He can
I can’t even look at him atm

OP posts:
StopGo · 05/06/2021 10:32

His 'forgetfulness' is deliberate. He knows exactly what he's doing. He is far too important to remember 'things' and has no respect for you.
Stop enabling his awful behaviour.

Original poster
Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:34

@StopGo

His 'forgetfulness' is deliberate. He knows exactly what he's doing. He is far too important to remember 'things' and has no respect for you. Stop enabling his awful behaviour.
Yes. I agree. Seems to be that suddenly today it’s just all hit me that he has been ‘forgetful’ just to do less
OP posts:
JackieQueen · 05/06/2021 10:34

Dont feel bad, op, I think most people would feel the same under the circumstances, I know I would! Hope he apologises to you Flowers

Original poster
Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:34

‘Forgetful’ when it suits him

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:36

@JackieQueen

Dont feel bad, op, I think most people would feel the same under the circumstances, I know I would! Hope he apologises to you Flowers
I can’t even look at him after how he laughed in my face. I’m not sure an apology is enough to be honest. I’ve taken on virtually all of the mental load/admin because he ‘can’t’ and admits he is forgetful yet today he’s making out he definitely knows what he said and it’s me that forgot and laughing how he did in my face 😡
OP posts:
fedup078 · 05/06/2021 10:39

I have lost my shit too

maskface212 · 05/06/2021 10:40

He has said he can remember what he needs to at work but that’s then his limit.

OP he said he can't help his bad memory. That's not how having a bad memory works and you know it. You don't remember everything you need for work but then somehow forget everything in your home which conveniently falls to your exhausted spouse.

He's doing it on purpose. He set you up to fail as he resents you. He is driving to into the ground with his pretend helplessness. We don't do that to people we love OP. Think about it.

Get a shared calendar that everyone in the family has access to and step back. Let him carry his share. Don't fall for the - my memory is so bad babes, I can remember everything I need to know for work and meeting me mates, but when it comes to home, it all just floats right out of me ears - bullshit.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/06/2021 10:40

I think even the most patient of saints would lose their temper at this.
How incredibly rude of him . I feel annoyed just reading it !
I absolutely could not tolerate this day in day out. He needs a big wall planner or diary on view if he genuinely forgets, but it feels more like he is one of those men who does something really badly , purposefully to ensure that their partner takes over and does it instead.

Stanleysaysyes · 05/06/2021 10:40

Laughing in someone's face - whatever the situation or circumstances - is really not acceptable. It is belittling and disdainful. You shouldn't feel badly for reacting strongly to that op Flowers.

This all sounds very controlling to me. Different situation but I have a friend and neighbour who pretends to be very scatty and drops in and out of our home (actually the garden) nearly every day. All of the on the spot visits started to get a bit much so I started to invite her to tea at various specific times to try and regularise the situation. But she will hardly ever say specifically when she is free or if she does, she arrives an hour late. I've worked out that rather being scatty and forgetful, this is a deliberate tactic so she never commits to anything and she gets to stay in control.

Is your DP anything like this op?

Original poster
Embarassedd · 05/06/2021 10:45

We have a planner. It’s on the fridge

We have a blackboard/notice board

He’s just as others have said using his ‘forgetfulness’ to manipulate
In all the years though if this has happened he’s said ‘it’s me I’m so forgetful I said the wrong day/time’ or similar
No idea wtf happened today he just started blaming me and laughing in my face

OP posts:
HeartvsBrain · 05/06/2021 10:46

He needs to get into the habit of always putting an appointment, or an arranged visit etc into his phone at the time that the date and time are being planned (not leave it until later) If he is at home, he should immediately put it on the calender mentioned below!

He needs a big planner calender - one week at a time on show - on a wall, maybe in the kitchen, and he needs to keep it in sinc with his phone calendar, he needs to do this at a set time twice a week (one that is usually convenient), as a bare minimum.

eg Monday evening at 18.30 hrs and Friday evening at 18.30 hrs - maybe this could be before his dinner, when you remind him to go upstairs and wash his hands!

Go easy on yourself OP, the man child can be a frustrating species, but if he is good in all the really important ways, we have to forgive them, but we are human too, and just sometimes it gets too much...

Stanleysaysyes · 05/06/2021 10:47

Meant to say that from now on I would just sort out your own diary and leave him to sort his. Natural consequences of him being dismissive and demeaning.

The pp's idea about having a large planner on the wall which everyone can write on is excellent. No explanations required as it is open for everyone to view. I wouldn't have a white board as it is too easy to alter at the last minute.

Step back op and look after yourself. Watch very carefully how he reacts to you doing less Flowers

HeartvsBrain · 05/06/2021 10:51

Sorry, crossed post with you OP, but I do think some of the others are being a bit too hard on him, and you are not hard enough 💐

Stanleysaysyes · 05/06/2021 10:52

Sorry I have just seen your update about already having planners Shock

He is being strategically incompetent.

IEat · 05/06/2021 11:14

If you can ruin an entire weekend because you shouted for maybe less than a minute you have a superpower. Move on.

Polkadots2021 · 05/06/2021 11:28

I think almost all of us would snap at some point OP, he's wilfully taking the p--s and getting you to organise everything for years under the auspice that 'ho ho ho, oh look at forgetful funny old me' but lo and behold he remembers stuff at work fine enough. You've been doing all the work then he doesn't bother giving you the right date, inconveniences you all, then laughs in your face, quite literally, after the mess he's caused. Honestly anyone would snap sometime OP it's literally ridiculous. And very disrespectful IMO.

Opentooffers · 05/06/2021 11:56

I think I'd keep all arrangements the same. It's his appointment, it's only part of one day that's wrong, so if the problem is that when he's busy you'd need him for pickups or whatever, just ask a friend or other family member for assistance. It's his appointment, so, if he needs your help to make it, don't give him that help this time, he can sort it while the rest stays the same around him.
The laughing in your face is totally unacceptable. Based on that behaviour I'd not factor him into any organised future plans for a while until he appreciates all you do. He needs to learn he's going to get less included in family life, if he's going to be so obstructive to your plans, don't factor him in them.