Badly lost my temper now feeling really bad

[Embarassedd]

I can’t even say it was an argument because it was one sided I just totally lost my temper today.

I’ve gone to the bedroom to calm down but I feel awful. I don’t really know what to do or say I’ve basically ruined the whole weekend but I was furious 😞

Go easy on yourself OP, the man child can be a frustrating species, but if he is good in all the really important ways, we have to forgive them, but we are human too, and just sometimes it gets too much...

You what?

His mess, he sorts it out. Dh has this "work only " memory but after it tripped him up a time or 3 he learnt to write things down and use the alarm system on his phone and stuff like that.

Gosh. I think the number of times you checked with him and then the fact he told you you were wrong and laughed in your face suggests this might have been deliberate gaslighting. At the very least him trying to deflect from his mistake by pinning it on you, at the worst deliberately telling you the wrong date to make you doubt yourself.
Has he ever done anything like this before? Is there a pattern?
for you, I'd be furious too

You didn’t overreact at all!! Now, what can you stop doing since his memory isn’t so bad after all? Something that impacts him (everything that’s just him obviously) or is very clearly bad parenting if he fucks it up. Like picking up the dc from a friends house.

This is deliberate.
He is gaslighting you.
Clearly he has moved on from studied incompetence to strategic disrespect.
There must be something else going on?
Is he detaching? From the family and/or you?

That’s just awful OP! DH & I had a similar thing years back so now when I read anything like this, it makes me feel quite sick. DH was under a lot of pressure but the way he coped was to take it out on me, including some gaslighting. I felt completely disrespected when I’d asked him several times not to book anything for a particular time as I was trying to arrange for a therapist to come & see DD & he booked at exactly that time then had a go at me for being annoyed! It wasn’t straightforward either & both the therapist & me had to juggle stuff around.
The laughing at you was worst of all! When you feel calmer, can you talk to your DP about how his behaviour makes you feel? That was nasty.

Do you know what OP he is a gaslighting shit and I do not blame you.
i work in the NHS full time as a medical professional, I have a lifelong mental health condition akin to schizophrenia and am on drugs that make me feel tired and forgetful.
As a result I write everything i need to remember in my bloody diary so I never forget it. And I live alone so there is nobody else to pick up the slack as a result I never forget anything or miss deadlines.
He is doing this on purpose as a control thing, i consider divorcing him he is not worth you losing your temper over.

I would be furious, too, and definitely would have yelled louder than you did!

Do you have children together? Is he equally incompetent there?

The therapist & I that should be

Well he can now work around you and your plans, if he misses a family outing or can't make something because of his forgetful other tough shit!

Stop being his secretary, if he can do it at work he can do it at home. He'll soon start 'remembering' if his forgetfulness means he misses out

Don’t blame you at all - you’re carrying a huge mental burden because your partner is too lazy to bother remembering or caring about plans, and if that wasn’t bad enough he’s laughing in your face about it. No wonder you lost your temper! Anyone would!

In this technological age there is no reason to forget. There are numerous apps etc to set reminders on.

I have a paper diary but l still set reminders on my phone eg 8.30am shopping delivery....

His mess. He makes it better. He won’t be quite so forgetful or create so much chaos next time. I’ll bet on that.

If someone dicked me about then laughed in my face, I’d shout too.

The more shit he creates, the more you have to do to unshit it all. He knows this. That is why he does it.

Step back. He’s a big boy. Let him caper in his own shit.

And you might have ruined his weekend. You don’t have to spoil yours.

What is the appointment? Can you leave it for him to sort out rearrangements for it? I can sympathise as I used to have to even remind my husband of his parents birthdays. I got fed up and don't do it anymore. If he forgets it's his problem now.

Giant family calendar with sections for kids, you and him. If he doesn't fill his section in, you don't work around him. If it's not on the calendar it doesn't get done.

And stop letting him manipulate and gaslight you. Ignore him and his 'forgetfulness

OP your loss of temper is completely understandable!

I'd suggest that you (eventually) apologise for losing your temper. (This is to make YOU feel better - not because I think you owe anyone!)

Next, you could decide that the stress of keeping everyone's memory up-to-scratch is proving too much for you. It stops now. Things go on the planner or they don't happen. He uses his work strategies so that he no longer leans so heavily on you.

(He sounds horrible today. I hope he has mitigating features.)

I bet he doesn’t forget how to use his wee man when he wants some nippy nippy.

I’m assuming that happens out of work…

Me?

I’d be forgetting all about nippy nippy for a wee while.

Forgetfulness works both ways

And I’d be tempted to laugh in his face if he came a-creeping for it.

Don't apologise to him unless he does it first. Might sound childish but manners are for all. It could be that he feels intimidated by your organisational skills and his ego was bloated by 'your' perceived mistake. Or he could be gaslighting you. I've had both these behaviours and it's always because I'm so in control of things that they feel less 'manly', duh

The more competent someone is, the less competent the people around them become.

Or else he has an alcohol, pill, drug problem that impairs his memory or he needs to have a brain MRI if it's medical.

Or he is just fucking with you.

This is the mental equivalent of not knowing how to use the washing machine. Lazy fucking bloke syndrome, and also control syndrome.
AND laughing in your face - very hard to get past that OP, a deeply sincere apology from him is needed or a kick up his manipulative arse.

@Embarassedd

We have a planner. It’s on the fridge

We have a blackboard/notice board

He’s just as others have said using his ‘forgetfulness’ to manipulate
In all the years though if this has happened he’s said ‘it’s me I’m so forgetful I said the wrong day/time’ or similar
No idea wtf happened today he just started blaming me and laughing in my face

Could it not be a case o that he thought he told you the right day but actually forgot to tell you. Hence by he thinks he told you. That would fit with why he is adamant he is correct and not owning his forgetfulness lol he does usually.

I would however do a shared calendar that send reminders, this should prompt him to forget less. I would also speak calmly, with him and say he hadn't told you the correct date, and he was bang out of order to laugh in your face and could he please rearrange things so the appt isn't missed.

For those saying how is he forgetful at home but not at work, work (dependant on the job) can be routine as mundane, or, doing the same things at the same times each day. Something that becomes ingrained within you. Hence remembering to d what needs to be done at work.
Remembering ad-hoc thing, or spots that happen on different days etc,is very easy to forget.

Doesn’t excuse hiI’m laughing in her face.

I was funning with my post above.

I’ll wager he wasn’t.

him