Do you assume exclusivity?

[Ytrigging]

I was really surprised to discover that some people don't assume that their relationship is exclusive until they've had a conversation about it. Is non-monogamy so common now that it has become the default option? I've never had an "are we exclusive" conversation with anyone and I find the idea of the default relationship being an open relationship quite unpleasant. Is this something American which is becoming normal here? Or is it an OLD thing which is becoming more mainstream?

In these situations, what would your assumption be?
Situation1: Molly and Arthur join the same climbing course. They learn to climb together, start to meet up at weekends with their other climbing friends to go on climbing trips and have become friends over a period of 2 months. Then one day Arthur asks Molly out and Molly says yes. They meet up for dinner some other date once per week for a month. Then Molly finds out that Arthur is seeing another woman. Do you think Arthur is cheating on Molly?

Situation 2: Molly and Arthur match on an online dating site. They meet up for a date once per week for a month. Then Molly finds out that Arthur is seeing another woman. Do you think Arthur is cheating on Molly now?

I wouldn't assume exclusivity, not everyone is on the same page, what kind of relationship they want or if they like the person enough to be exclusive/in a relationship with. So unless they've had the chat then not cheating, although very disappointing for the one who hopes it's more.
Myself personally, I don't multi date but I wouldn't want to commit or assume it unless we both know we feel the same.

He isnt cheating in either scenario.

But especially in the first scenario I would have expected to have the exclusivity talk probably around that time (one month of dating after the 2 month friendship).

I think it is definately possible for people to mislead others by giving the impression they are only seeing them. But without the exclusivity chat...theres no right to exclusivity.

I’m 40 and have been having ‘are we exclusive?’ conversations since I started dating at 15 (well, before online dating was a thing). I don’t think it’s anything new and I’ve had that conversation with everyone I’ve ever had a relationship with. If nothing else, it’s really important for your sexual health and making sure you’re keeping yourself healthy and well.

But to answer your questions, I wouldn’t assume exclusivity in either of those situations and no it’s definitely not cheating.

I always assumed that to date someone is to be exclusive, but it seems not.

I'm 63 and have never assumed exclusivity. I've been married twice and been in several other long term committed relationships. I've also had several casual sexual relationships. I've never cheated on anyone and always had the conversation about exclusivity.

Never assumed exclusivity, especially just dating (and not having sex).

Even if it's just "I'm not seeing anyone else, are you?"... I didn't realise anyone would. My grandma was going on dates with my grandad and another man and always jokes she was glad she picked the right one to go steady with, so I don't think it's new?!

Also in neither of your scenarios would I think those people were cheating. Dating =/= exclusive (unless discussed).

I always thought shagging was exclusivity, but that was in the 90s.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

I always assumed that to date someone is to be exclusive, but it seems not.

Same. I've never discussed exclusivity with any partners, it's just always been assumed by both of us from the start.

I wouldn’t assume it no. If I was bothered I would ask.

Molly and Arthur have been out 4 times, that is not a relationship..

If you've not had sex yet it's dating. If you are having sex then I would be telling them I liked them and felt it was worth seeing where things would go and that I'M NOT SEEING ANYONE ELSE. Then see their response.

I've done most scenarios of this with OLD sometimes I knee they were online, sometimes I said I was 'dating' sometimes I knew I was the only date they'd had in months.

I do usually bring it up in one way or another in conversation early on ie. oh I had a terrible date a fortnight ago this is so much better I'm having such a good time, how about you any good 'bad date stories'
Or I was excited for tonight I haven't had a date in ages...

Usually you can tell if they're actively dating.

My boyfriend now neither of us was actively dating when we met but we met on a dating site 🤷‍♀️ 9 months in and it's going well 🤞

In your instance not cheating but I personally don't like sleeping with someone who's sleeping with someone (never have it's a bit gross with bodily fluids etc 🤣)

I really don’t think it’s a good idea to assume you’re exclusive with someone unless you’ve both agreed to it, many men just want a FWB set up (as do women as well if sure) so best not to just “assume” anything, I don’t get why anyone would, just because you’ve slept with someone doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship.

For example my sister was in a relationship with a man for 2 years (or so she thought) then it was her birthday and she invited him out to her birthday dinner, he said he couldn’t make it and she was upset and he said she had no right to he upset because he isn’t her boyfriend and never said he was

Ahh, that's where I've been going wrong all these years

S1: No he's not cheating as they're dating not in a relationship.

S2: See above.

Exclusivity can be assumed if they ask you to be their girlfriend. Otherwise if you agree to be exclusive. A couple of dates doesn't mean you shouldn't also date others.

Personally, I've never 'dated' more than one person at a time. I'm exclusive from the first date but I wouldn't assume exclusivity from them until it had been discussed. In the olden days, I just assumed it but nowadays, I think it's wise to just check.

That's largely because a) I'm never interested in more than one person at a time if I'm looking for a relationship; b) I don't do online dating and I don't actively date so, if I'm asked out, it would be very unlikely I'd be able out by someone else soon after! c) when I was younger, I had no idea that people had fwbs etc.

However, I do have fwb/casual relationships nowadays and I always talk about it early on to clarify that I'm not necessarily going to be exclusive and don't expect it from them.

I'm a big believer in exclusivity. If I even kissed a man and thought I'd see him again, I wouldn't go out with someone else.

I’m old and come from a time that you’re exclusive as soon as you begin have your first date. I can’t date multiple people at one time so after the first date and having secured another one I assume we are exclusive. But from reading the pp I see that’s not how it works now.

I think it’s an American concept that doesn’t fit into how people really ‘date’ here.

In real life I doubt this actually comes up much. In your examples - if Arthur is sending out ‘serious’ signals to Molly by messaging throughout the day asking how she is, during dates asking how she sees the future eg if she wants kids one day etc, perhaps introducing friends/family or at least talking about doing that one day, kissing etc, and generally being affectionate - then yes it is cheating if he’s doing that with a different woman simultaneously. If however Arthur is simply buying Molly drinks a few times and talking about tv/the news while sending signals of the ‘I want sex asap and I’m not interested in your life / family / opinions’ then Arthur isn’t cheating and Molly is naive to think he’s her boyfriend.

Where it gets shitty is if a man deliberately sends out ‘serious’ signals in order to trick the girl into thinking he really likes her, gets sex, then pretends surprise that he isn’t allowed to sleep around. That behaviour was mocked in 1950s movies so hardly a modern thing.

With men I wouldn’t assume exclusivity unless they’ve specifically said it’s exclusive.

Yes, once you'd gone out weekly for a month, I would assume the person was free from other relationships and only going out with me.

First date, I'd be worldly enough to know that possibly someone set up two or three dates and decided to see which of the people they felt they might want to take the relationship further with.

However, I've been with dh for 30 years, so am not "up to date" with what might be acceptable - and definitely not with OLD.

I don’t think it’s an American thing I think it’s an old thing where most people (men and women) are dating multiple people at once and not “putting all their eggs in one basket” seeing who they like best etc. From what I can see it’s usually older people who assume exclusive where as younger people dating now know you have to have “the chat”

It's definately not new i've always requested exclusivity once i start sleeping with a man. The fuck do I share my lover with someone else, thats just a FWB.

OP bearing in mind you've never had the exclusivity conversation, are you saying that when you've slept with a man they've only continued to have sex with you alone, and how do you know this if you don't talk about it????

It's a modern thing and yes old encourages it I suppose, well facilitates it. I deleted my apps in the car park after meeting dp for the first time, he had deleted his before we even met up (we had been talking for 3 weeks due to clashing schedules)

I'm 38 and it never occurred to me or any of my friends or people I was seeing that we should have this talk. I only ever saw it in American films tbh. Back when I was dating it was always assumed that you're only seeing one person at a time. It was one of those unspoken norms and breaking it made you look dodgy. Perhaps things have changed now.